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My grandmother is 90 years old. My mother is a nurse & she is the one responsible for giving her a bath. The last time my grandmother had a bath was approx. 1-2 months ago because she hates getting a bath & puts up a fuss every time. My mother deals with it by letting her go & getting her own way, instead of putting her foot down & setting the standards whether she likes it or not, is this the right way of handling the situation? Also, is 1-2 months without a bath acceptable, when her hair is greasy & she looks dirty?

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I should add before that point she had never taken a shower as far as I know since she moved into our house. Instead she was just wash herself up with a wash cloth standing in front of her sink. We cut her bathtub so she could get into it, set her up with a shower chair and a moveable sprayer instead of just a normal facet for her shower and a heater to keep the room warm. Also made sure the helper had tons of towels to make the floor not so cold on her (Since she wasn't alone in the bathroom and hated how cold it was on her feet we added in a nice warm velour bath mat that is placed down before she arrives in the bathroom and the aide helps her move around.) Trick is to assure them it's ok. The home health aides for my grandma is the same girl everytime. My grandma has had her since October and even recognized her as the shower girl in rehab in December saying, "No shower!" and that helps tons that she knew and recognized the girl by face. Be patient. Dementia is hard but they are ways to work around their mood swings if you are patient, putting on a happy smile as they feed off what you are feeding and treat everyday, sometimes every hour and quite frankly every minute as though it's a fresh start.
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I have a home health aide that comes in for just that reason because she wouldn't do it for me. It works wonderful to have a helper come in to bathe and dress her.
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There are lots of good suggestions above. I'd just keep in mind that there are reasons that your grandma is resisting. It's not just to be difficult or that she likes being dirty. Often with dementia, the sensation of water on the skin is painful. The dementia patient has little in the way of mental resources to cope with this unpleasant sensation, so they resist. It may pass though. It did with my LO. Meds for anxiety helped her.

Often someone who is a non-family member may have more luck. Professional bath aids have some tricks to help get cooperation. Hopefully, that will work.
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Man, my wording sounded harsh when I posted before. But it is a real struggle to get an elder to bathe! And even if they do get on the shower seat, they're not strong enough to wash thoroughly and the main body part that doesn't get washed if you're seated, well _______.
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Even though I realize that your question is more about the psychology of getting your grandmother to bathe, I do think some bathing "tricks" I use with my 83 yr old mom might be worth mentioning here. Firstly, we have all of the proper grab bars installed in the shower and a custom built raised flooring (made of a synthetic, outdoor, decking material), so that she doesn't have to step down or up in a slippery shower stall. It's raised to be level with the bathroom floor. It drains through the cracks between the planks to the shower drain underneath, and only requires a spray-down of Tilex to prevent mildew developing. We also have a hand-held shower head that can dangle to the floor.

My mother is able to walk with a walker, so what we do is simple and as follows: I let the hand-held shower head hang near the floor, and I get the water temperature to where she likes it. She gets undressed while sitting on the toilet. When the temp is ready, she WALKS IN USING THE WALKER. I lay a towel down on the floor outside the shower (because water flies everywhere). She grabs hold of the grab bars, and I take the walker out of the shower. THEN we grab the shower head and begin bathing. As soon as we are finished, I hand her the walker, she steps onto the towel (again, this prevents a slippery tile encounter), and I wrap her in a warm towel. We walk to the bed or a chair, where a clean bed pad is waiting.

One wonderful gizmo that I have discovered is one of those bath scrubbies on a long stick. That's how I scrub her - EVERYWHERE. Great extension!

If your GM can walk at all with a walker, try this method (assuming you have grab bars). I'm telling you, there's little stress and no slipping or struggling to sit or stand.

I think a big reason for all of their protesting comes from their fear of all the fuss and struggle.

Regarding the psychology... Perhaps you can ask her which day (coming up) would she like to bathe. Let her confirm it, so she must commit to something.
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Bring in "the time to bathe granny lady." She shows up, boom, done.
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Some people prefer not to be naked in front of family & this could be a reason to use outside help - it's the old modesty regime

I sometimes treat myself to warm body lotion - best with a squeeze bottle not a pump - squeeze out all the air you can, fill sink with hot water, place bottle in sink while bathing, dry off, use lotion that is pleasantly warm - FOR ALL YOU CARE GIVERS: USE IT YOURSELF AS A SMALL TREAT ... YOU DESERVE IT! - don't wait to use this method especially for your loved ones & yourself as it is such an easy thing to put in a routine
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Quiltinrealtor, what a great idea about the visor.
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With dementia I'm afraid the only thing is to wait it out. At my mom's facility it would take 3 people to shower her she threw such a fit but after she was there for a couple of years she was used to them and the shower/baths/or sponge baths. The elder/demented/brain is a hard thing to understand. When mom was still at home she would SWEAR that she had just had a shower. No.....she hadn't. I had to "trick" her into going to the "beauty salon" to get her hair washed and CUT. All the hairspray she put on it, oh my gosh!! she would just sort of brush it in the front and then spray away. It was yellow on the ends. Hairdresser couldn't get it all out so she would cut it off. I would tell mom that SHE made th appt. and that she didn't want to stand her hairdresser up, that would be rude. She said, Oh my gosh, I guess we better go! If "I" would have said....Mom, you haven't washed your hair in 2 weeks, she would have gone ballistic!! You have to play by their rules unfortunately and play a game. At 90-95 years old?? Yes, you want them to have the best dignified life but don't fight. Yes, I can say that......my mom passed in Aug. 2016 after 12-13 years of dementia and I'm now taking care of my 94 1/2 year old father. Good Luck and God Bless....
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I always had a little vinyl visor so she didn't get water over her face when I washed her hair. Try to find out what is bothering her! Maybe a lotion massage on her back after will make her willing to put up with a shower!
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My dad is 89, has dementia, able to live at home and hates to shower. My mom is 80, no dementia, able to take care of him and doesn't care whether he likes it or not. She makes him get in the shower once a week. It's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it.
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I think you are a little hard on your Mother. She works 8hr plus dealing/fighting with patients all day. She is tired. Have you tried to bathe your Gmother? It's not fun. Besides them being afraid they will fall, you are afraid they will fall. I had a walk in shower put in. Mom had a shower chair would just sit her there and "hose her down". Then take a washcloth and wash what I could. She was able to stand holding onto the bar so would do the rest of her that way. Wash her hair about once a week. There are dry shampoo products out there that will remove some of the oil. Be aware that the elderly with and without Dementia, revert back to their childhood. Children don't like baths, hair washed or going to the bathroom. Until you have done hands on caregiving, you have no idea what the caregivers have to do and give up to care for a loved one. And your Mom holds down a job.
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Take a look at the bathroom. Does it have a handheld nozzle because some people don't like having water beating down on their head and face. Make sure that there is some kind of bath chair in the shower/tub itself for her to sit on. Strains of staph love to live on skin and everyone has a few strains. Staph is just looking to find a way inside someone and to wreak havoc. So yes, a bath once or twice a week is needed. Don't take no for an answer. Tell her that it's time for her bath and get her in the bath. If you need a script from her doctor for a mild seditive for anxiety and/or a bath aid, go for it. Your mom could also use the tactic of saying that nobody wants to be around someone who stinks like she does. Mean, yes but sometimes being mean in the only way to go when you need to get a point across.
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The bottom line here is that Grnadma can not be allowed to go for long periods without some skin care. Allowing her to appear filthy is actually abuse and can not be permitted. Mom being a nurse should know better. you have been given lots of good advice and methods of achieving the desired result. Soap and water, fancy bath cloths and lotions are fine whatever works but the bottom line is that everything must be warm including that bottle of baby lotion.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a sponge bath, You don't HAVE to give your loved one a shower or bath. There are ways of hair washing even in bed, or if the patient can go out a weekly or even biweekly visit to a beauty salon is in order. Once a week is fine as long as you "top and tail"daily. Letting the genital area remain unclean leads to UTIs again a disposable cloth is fine. Also under the breasts especially with a large woman as thrush loves to lurk there and any heavy skin folds.
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This is like one of the all time difficult issues to overcome with dementia. I tried outside help and it didn't work at all. I currently have aides in the home and that doesn't work either.
What I did find that works is a sponge bath using Norwex wash cloths. I purchased their body cloths to give that a try and it works great. There is no soap and these cloths also exfoliate which has helped tremendously with all the dead skin just falling off mom all the time. You just use warm water and clean away. I started using the product myself and love it!! Soap has always been a big irritant for my skin and I know it dries out my mom's skin as well. She recently has been turned off to the use of lotion. No explanation, just is what it is. :) I will purchasing another 3 pack so that mom can have one and the other person (myself or the aide) can have one. That way mom is participating if she wants. Good Luck. Take care of yourself.
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We did away with baths for Mum from age 96 . Showers in a wheeled toilet chair worked fine , gently sponging her with a little baby liquid shower soap (baby bedtime lavender from Johnson) . We had grips in the bathroom and a big free space to move the chair around and keep her clean and able to put up with the daily ritual . Even this was not always easy , but at least it worked and Mum was cheerful after it was over . For her hair , baby shampoo always the best .
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Lots of good advice here. Take the suggestion to hire a bath aide seriously!

Look up the youtube video by Teepa Snow on bathing elders. She has some good tips, too.
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There is a LOT going on with a bath or bathing.
The fear of falling
The loud noise from the water rushing all around you
All the steps that need to be done, get wet, pick up soap, lather, wash, rinse, do your hair, dry off, get dressed....it can be exhausting thinking about all that needs to be done all while trying not to fall or slip.
Shower chairs help. A bench or seat with a back.
Turn her so that she is NOT facing the water. I was told by a PT years ago that the head and chest are "vulnerable" areas and to wet those last. (what is the first thing that gets wet when you shower?...head and chest!)
I also found that turning off the water between getting wet and rinsing helped as it was more quiet in the bathroom. Talk in a quiet voice, and try to bring the voice to a slightly deeper tone so it does not sound harsh. I used to almost whisper and I would tell my husband everything I was doing...I am going to soap your back, I am going to do your arms now....it did help.
Keeping him seated for as long as possible while drying and putting socks and shoes on before he stood up helped.
I will admit I had it easy I had a barrier free shower we used and I also had a shower wheelchair that made showering much easier for both of us.

Last resort...sponge baths and no rinse body soaps will do the job. Just make sure that when you are bathing her in bed that you wash and dry fully you do not want damp areas left.
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This is actually normal. There are many reasons, among them the fear of falling in the tub/shower.

My DH is 95 and I've been bathing him for over a year now - we just shower together. Recently I had to put Support Bars in and a wonderful neighbor helped me to change my tub to a walk-in shower.

What I didn't see mentioned above is the waterless soap & shampoo you get in hospital.

The one I have is Aloe Vesta 3-n-1 Cleansing Foam: No Rinse: Perineal Cleanser - Body Cleanser - Shampoo. It's priceless! While he was in hospital I used it as Shampoo and it is a blessing in a bottle.

I too was told to use Baby Wash with Oatmeal - I use Johnson's as it also protects his fragile thin skin.
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My mom hated showers or bathing. When she was at home prior to going to a NH it would take days to prepare her for a shower, and she would try to avoid it like the plague.
I agree with the above posters who say hire someone from an agency to do it; when my mom had home health for a few weeks after a hospitalization she would not argue with the aide from the agency for some reason- she just listened to her when she said it was time to shower and placidly went along with it. Which blew my mind, actually- go figure?
And then afterwards she felt like a million bucks in clean clothes, washed hair, etc.
I think they are afraid to be cold so you have to make it quick and comfy in the bathroom. We used to run the hot water until it was nice and steamy and then get her in the bathroom, shower seat ready and did it toot sweet, lol. Wrap her up nice and warm and dress her in there. 
Then you have people like my 93 y/o MIL who is in assisted living and loves to shower- insists on it. 
But my mom? Gave me every excuse imaginable not to do it. A shower is the easiest way to take a good look at their skin for breakdown, rashes, etc. I couldn't give her a bath, that was way too taxing for both of us, her especially. Her preference in life before was baths but we changed just to keep it quick. 
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I had the same problem when my MIL lived with us. I had a small heater I kept for the bathroom just to get it nice and warm for her so she didn't get chilled. I had a swivel shower seat and a hand held sprayer. Sometimes I helped her and other times she did it herself. I would always throw a towel and her cloths in the dryer for a few minutes to have them good and warm for her. We applied lotion and powder first then the warm cloths that she loved. All this helped things go more smoothly. Hope some of these ideas will help you. Good Luck..
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Yes, I have the bath fits too. The only way to handle it , for me, is to make everything "her" decision. I use the shower chair (with a back). I heat it up with hot water first. I struggle a little to get her in the chair but it's smooth sailing after that. I run the shower next to her. She approves of the temperature. I always keep a little towel in case water gets in her eyes. I wet her, soap her up and rinse. I don't keep the water beating down on her. There is no dilly/dally 8 minutes is a long time, we are in and out, she is clean before she knows it! I think another thing is constant temperature, no real colds. I undress and dress her in the steamy room (dressing is a challenge.) I stay calm. In between weekly showers I use adult wipes to keep her creases clean...and smelling fresh. I hope this helps you...Good luck.
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Also, make sure you have a sturdy shower chair with a movable showerhead, and give her a shower. Baths can be overwhelming, being surrounded by water. They can also be very dangerous, because it's easy for them to fall, even with help. We have a walk in tub, and it's still overwhelming for my Grandmother. She's a lot more calm with showers, it's safer, and she will even splash the water onto her face.
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If she hates baths, you should consider a sponge bath. That's sometimes the only way I can get my Grandmother to bathe. I know it's not a replacement, but in the problem areas (faces, armpits, and any cresses such as elbows, knees, etc.) You can use baby wipes and a some cornstarch powder. It helps keep her clean between baths, and it's less stressful for the person also. It will also prevent any skin irritation and tearing. Nevertheless, she shouldn't go longer than 1 week without a bath. I use Johnson's stuff on my Grandmother. I know it's meant for "babies", but that's what I found works best. The powder stops skin irritation, the shampoo cleans her brittle hair better than normal shampoo, and also if I accidently get it in her eyes it won't burn. Then the oil and lotion moisturize the skin and prevents tearing. You can wipe her off with baby wipes to keep her clean also.
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Hire someone from outside, I'm independent caregiver myself ... Sometime works much better with outside help to assisting your GM, Good Luck!
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