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I live with my parents. My mother has alzheimer's and my father is the primary care giver. He expects me to fill in twice a day so he can leave the house. The thing is he's been abusive to me all my life and isn't that great to me now. Plus I'm at a dead-end low-paying job where I'm treated badly there as well. I'm at my wits end and feel dead inside. I want my life back and feel like I have the right to take care of myself and pursue a better career, etc. I don't want to be a scapegoat for anyone anymore? Do I have the right to say enough and move on?

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anne123, I love the wisdom in your sharing. So true!
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Sure, DanielRomero, let's!
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Do we hold hands and sing Kumbaya now?
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Okey dokey, caregiverslight. I think you and I would both agree that about the only thing that clear-cut in our world seem to be the forests!!! Take care.
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lcs, I don't have any disagreement with what you have said. The "choice" to which I am referring in my reply is the freedom to choose to walk away from caring from another person, parent or not, as I understood Josephine's post and question to be. That is a choice as far as I am concerned in the context of Josephine's question, specifically. In my case, I have chosen to be a care provider. No heartburn in the least with any thing you, or anyone else has said in this discussion, lcs. One thought does not preclude another. Very few things in life are so clear-cut, in my opinion.
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kathyk, from where I sit just looking in on your situation, I would say you are doing the best thing for both you and your mother. Unless you plan on keeping your mother in your home until her death, she probably will adjust to new accomodations better at the age of 81 than she will later on. And she may find the retirement community much more interesting than your home. I am glad she has filled out an application form and isn't it fortunate for both of you that she can AFFORD to go to a retirement community. My sisters and I have "looked after" our mother from the time we were kids (just like you) so I know how hard it is for you to make a change. But I say, stick with your decision. In my opinion, it is the right one. And yes, you could have a better relationship with your mother if someone else is "in charge". I hope this is the case.
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I think that it is hard to judge someone who has been abused, and then asked to care for that parent. I was abused early on, and have been a parttime caregiver to my blind mother for years. She has been living with me the last 6 months but this morning I asked her to consider a retirement community nearby and even though she is making me feel horrible and like a bad daughter, she visited the place and filled out an application to get on a waiting list. I refuse to feel guilty about this, although she is doing her level best to make this all my fault. I have been her care-taker since I was 10 - I'mm 55 now. When do I get to stop and let someone else take over. She is 81 and getting frail. I will be a better daughter when I am not 'in charge'. Baggage from the past plays a big part. Don't judge someone who has been abused before you know what that is like.
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Caregiverslight, I am afraid that I disagree with you that caring for another person is a choice. For some (a few?) it may be a choice but it doesn't sound like this has been the case with many of the caregivers who have joined in on the discussions at this website. As everyone says, each situation is different so for me, it seems impossible to arrive at a decision where "one size fits all".
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Glad to be a sounding board anytime, Josephine. I heard you loud and clear. You posed a specific question and asked for others to share thoughts on your question. No shame in your question, or what you are wanting to do with your life. I, for one, believe that caring for another person, parent, or not, is a choice, not a gun to anyone's head, or wall of guilt. May you always be happy with your life decisions.
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Well said, DanielRomero. I agree completely.
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Josephine asked, " I don't want to be a scapegoat for anyone anymore? Do I have the right to say enough and move on?"...the answer is YES...enough said....my empathy happens to be with Josephine's mother and the man who loves and his caring for her...
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Hi again Josephine

Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? It says a lot in a few words. May you find your intended path. Love, lcs
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Hear Hear! This online support group is no place for any judgment at all. Each of us is in a unique situation, with unique levels of energy reserves, etc. Each of us is doing the best we can, or else we wouldn't even be here! (-: As Tiny Tim said: "God bless us, everyone."
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You're welcome, dear Josephine. I'm surprised (or maybe not) by the extreme judgmentalism here... Dear, I hope you had your questions answered, and that this thread can fade peacefully away. You sound like a sweetheart. Bless you in all you do!
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Josephine, when I first read your post, you did make clear that you have been recruited by your Dad to be the respite care secondary caregiver to your Mom. Your Dad may be making an assumption that you don't mind, or that such is the "natural" order of a child caring for her sick parent.

It is a blessing that your are employed even if in a low-paying job. Is there a possibility that you might offer to work extra shifts and holidays to increase your earnings without leaving that job? Last night's news indicates that 4 or more industries, including retail are hiring once more. One of the easier part-time job prospects to land if one has good credit is in retail, which is another way to supplement your earnings while simultaneously making yourself unavailable to be your Dad's default secondary caregiver doormat.

You may also want to let your Dad know that, as his designated choice, you have taken it upon yourself to contact your local equivalent of Visiting Angels and a social service state agency to help him be informed enough to make whatever decisions he needs to be making about his own life and your Mom's care.

Whatever steps you take, keep moving forward. If you hesitate in the least, it will give your Dad the signal he needs to know that you are not confident or serious about getting on with your own life.

Is there a trustworthy person with whom you might share a rental to help you until you can afford to rent on your own? You may be already there. If you are, no guilt and no regrets if that is what you wish to do with your life. You have every right to be happy. Your Mom's care is your Dad's priority given the circumstances you have shared.

Don't forget to use your local library as part of your career next-steps exploration. Also states' labor agencies have re-training programs for workers, so be sure to check that out as well. May need to be on a day off, or a day when you would normally have been secondary to your Dad as it will keep you active in pursuing your goals, and using your energy to help yourself get ahead, instead of being stuck in the house.

Whatever you do, make it right for you, and don't allow guilt a foothold. Wishing you much success and happiness, Josephine!
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Maybe so, Ics, and it wouldn't be the first sin that I've ever committed. I thought this website was for help and ideas for the caregivers. It doesn't sound as though Josephine is doing any caregiving, It would probably be a good idea for her to find a self-help support site.
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AmazingGrace, why would YOU have resentment about something that Josephine does and doesn't do? I can understand her father, mother or even her brother having resentment but why do YOU? Are you perchance judging her?
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I understand that everyone is concerned about the abusive situation that Josephine is in, but my resentment comes from the unwillingness to help her mother. I do hope that with God's grace that she finds her way. We all have to make our own decisions of what we can and can't live with.
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lcs ,

No light buld yet like the old Ford commercial! :), After writing that long 17 point lessons article on my wall and today's incredibly intense counseling session today that I had to spend the rest of the day all to myself and much of tonight in my 'Man Cave" for his question at the end literally shoock me to my core like nothing before. I had to call someone on my cell phone to debrief which I often do when needed.

I'm not sure when my light bulb is going to have enough voltage anytime soon, to light up. Maybe Pam or Sis will have some insights to bear. Nite, I'll let you know something if my light bulb comes on in time :)
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Carol has posted here twice.
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Good to hear from you again, Crowemagnum. I don't know how much more info Josephine is going to give us. And there are those that say that having more info isn't necessary. But I will be interested in your viewpoint when the light bulb appears. :-)
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I just thought...why don't these "meet the Expert" experts jump in with some real information? "Carol" often posts, but the others seldom.
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An abusive adult does have a long lasting impact upon a child which often they really can't see or even be aware of fully until many years later.

I believe my one or two posts asked for more information and also called for both patience and prayer unitl we both knew much more and until Josephine came back. IMHO, this is not one of those situations where I percieve a "take no prisoners version" of encouragement is warrented. However, I might be wrong, but I'm waiting for more information and until then I'm going to listen and wait until a light bulb goes off in my head so the speak.
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I think a person has to make it for him/herself but unfortunately there seem to be those that can't. An abusive adult seems to have a very long lasting effect on a child and it doesn't matter whether that child was male or female. I am sure we all know adults who are still struggling with the effects of earlier abuse.

Daniel, I wasn't faulting you in any way. I just noticed that nearly all the men who responded to Josephine felt the matter was more cut and dried than did the women who responded. I guess this is why it is said that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We just look at things differently. I know my husband has never understand why I am concerned about certain issues in the world and I don't understand why he can't see the issues. I think it is good that Josephine can read responses coming from both Mars and Venus. And my hat is off to all the men out there who are caregivers. Usually the role falls to women, even if they are also trying to hold down a job outside the home and/or are raising a family. Good on you fellows. I hope someone will look after you when the time comes that you need care.
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sorry I guess I did not see the slew of responses in between....I take back that the poster did not come back....to view the thread...

Joesphine, what lcs said about the german parents..I went through that stuff as well, my dad never could find anything nice to say either, always grumping...but what I said above still applies...you have to make it for yourself. My parents did not do any planning either, my dad's tax man talked him into having in added to the deed and having a POA done years ago... BLESS THAT TAX MAN! So I know what kinda Dad you got.
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I just love it when folks throw these out there and don't even respond...makes you feel your wasting time responding to them.

I am also curious about the poster's age. If they were so abused they should have left the household years ago. I did! And yeah I am back in the picture now as most caregivers are. But first of all it is up to you now to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and make a LIFE DECISION.....you gonna bail or help with your mom. Leaving aside that daddy dearest may be a pr*ck...you just ignore him and do the best for your mom. I would hang in there and get yourself A BETTER JOB while you have a roof over your shoulder. If you are in a deadbeat job well that's your decision...did you not take the job? Okay then find a way to better yourself at the same time staying at home and taking care of MOM you hear what I say MOM not DAD. Let him whine and be a butt if he wants to but just take care of mom. Abusive families sometimes make children a dependent of the family where they feel they cannot leave or better themselves from years of manipulation, guilt complexes and just plain downtrodding. I know the picture quite well. But this is where YOU have to be strong for yourself and recognize his nature for what it is. If you move out now, it may not help you get a better job, because you will be taxed with not having enough monies for day to day issues and that will be on top of the agenda. Stay at home for right now, gear yourself up for a better job and try to help at home. When you do get a better job and save up enough to get out then get out, but guess what you still will have to help with caregiving, cause guess what he's the next to go downhill and if he's a pain in the arse now, just wait till the aging disease get's to him. I hope they have long term care or a lot built up in retirement, cause it seems they are heading for a Retirement facility if you cannot figure your own life out...sorry but that's life!
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I see my viewpoint as a caregiver. Josephine is living in her parents home, She wants empathy from caregivers like her father. My earlier advice was to take care of herself first and then try to help when she can. I read all the comments that asked please tell us specifics....not relevant...she's an adult...she doesn't need my permission to leave...go...move...if she asked...my husband beats me but really needs me, is it ok to leave him...then it'd be easy YES GO but in this case I cannot alleviate her guilt...she can only do that...So how does that differ from what other men said?
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DanielRomero, a very interesting viewpoint: if Josephine doesn't want to/ can't be part of the caretaking of her mother right now then she should move on with no guilt, no whining, no pouting. Have the rest of you noticed the difference between how most men have responded to Josephine and how women have responded?
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Josephine, if you want, move out. Don't agonize about, just do what is best for you. Your father probably vents now because he is watching the woman he fell in love with and married , slowly slip away. I do not know the history and frankly I don't think it's relevant. I haven't heard that your father does a poor job taking care of his wife. Your father made a request and you have every right to say no. If you can't /won't improve the situation move. Move out take care of yourself and maybe later you can help. Your father is taking care of his wife, your mom the best he can. If the burden to help is to much, move. Your living under there roof, there is no reason not to move. Don't feel guilty, do what your gut tells you. This forum is for people that are caregiving. You are not. That doesn't make you bad it just means you don't/can't help right now. Move. Don't whine. Don't pout. Move. When your in a better place maybe you can help caring for your mother and father who should be the focus of this discussion. Sorry to be so blunt...but the focus should be on the AD sufferer and the the loved one caregiving not on someone who can't/won't help.
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Josephine, for your own sake, please try to tell us more about your situation. I have to disagree with Ed in assuming that if you were paying your share of expenses and if you had lived on your own before, NOW you would have enough self-respect to not "take" any more abuse. I don't believe that the effects of abuse are that easily overcome. But that's just my opinion.
Ed wants to get to the truth of the matter (as I guess we all do so that we can be fair to all concerned) so, Josephine, how about trying to give us some more facts. How long did you live on your own? Why did you move back home? Was there some sort of an agreement drawn up when you moved back home? As I asked before, did your parents want you back home because they didn't like to have you living on your own because you were female? Does your culture have something to do with you living at home? Etc. etc. We really do need to know as much as possible before we can give you well-considered answers to your question as to whether or not we think (but of course do not KNOW for sure) if you have the right to say "enough and move on" as you suggested. I think if you do not or cannot tell us more so that we have a clearer picture of the situation, there is not much use in this thread continuing. I am sure we all wish the best for your whole family.
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