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My bf is 25 and he has taken care of his mother for the majority of his life. She is disabled and lives off the government. She also likes to sue people for money and take advantage of insurance. (Insurance fraud possibly) She lives alone, my bf and I live together. However she demands to see her son every day. He works from 7-6pm then goes to her house till 8pm which leaves me only 4 hours with him. But by that time he is usually to tired to spend time with me, he's sluggish and falls asleep almost instantly.

I took her into my home for 2 months and she managed to drive everyone crazy. She had 3 dogs which were not potty trained so every day the house smelled horribly like poop. She would wait till her son got home for him to clean. If she did decide to clean this (if she cleaned at all) was to get a towel pick up the poop and rinse it in the kitchen sink overy the dishes. Because of this a person in the house got extremely ill. She would also go into other peoples rooms (we live with 3 other people) and rummage threw thier personal belonging then deny it when she was caught. She loves to gossip and would tell other peoples buisness (everything and anything ) to her friend on the phone. She somehow would leave the house and pester the neighbors by entering thier property to snoop with the excuse that she was looking for her dog. I also own 2 dogs who are on a schedual for feeding (they have food allergies), I asked her to leave them alone and not feed them. She would of course feed them and when caught deny it. The dogs got sick too.... many other things happened to where I couldn't take it anymore and had to ask her to move back home. But while she was living with us I let her have the run of the house. Everyone bent backwards for her needs. It was exhausting.

My bf cannot see her as wrong, he always has an excuse for her behavior.and when I forcefully moved her out, she made a big deal that I disrespected her and then he made me apologies to her!

So now she is alone. Recently she fell. She has zero balance from a bad foot and hip but refuses to use a cane or walker. She actually falls a lot. She has a new bruuse to show me almost every week. I tell my bf that she cannot take care of herself. She can bearly walk, doesn't eat much. Is addicted to pain killers, coca cola and cigarettes. We are just starting a life together and now he's telling me he wants to move in with her. But I refuse to live in that house. All her dogs poop anywhere along with the cats. The house reeks because she can't clean. I can't eat I the house because I feel so unclean.

I think I'm rambling.

Well point is. The lady is unbearable to live with, I tried and I simply cannot. My bf and I were talking about starting a family but it feels like we are taking a step back wards instead.


I was browsing other questions and found these quotes that fit into my situation


. Loving a parent and being a responsible child does NOT mean that the parent can demand that their child's lives be devoted to them solely.

has been doing this for many years and has convinced himself that only he can take care of her properly


She can still take care of her self for the moment, but soon the time will come she no longer will be

A good example of a real man is one who puts his wife first, and children, and sets up and manages his dependent parents Housing and medical needs, gets the caregiver help necessary so he can live his life.

He's stringing you along hoping you'll stick with him to share in the misery of his life being a momma's boy

continue giving him the benefit of the doubt over and over and over, feel resentment then feel guilty for feeling it,


I am sure she never intended to let him go. I know these types and they emotionally cripple their children for life.


mom's had a death grip on this 'man's' balls for quite some time and from the sounds of it she's not about to let loose. And he allows it.


Maipulates him therefore causing him guilt. He will not begin to live his life until she dies. She has made it clear that he is her servent


independent living facility where she gets meals, exercise, intellectual stimulation and a little "push" to be more independent. when she lived alone at home, she was emotionally needy, frightened and isolated.

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CM, yes, and it can also indicate something else, especially when directions change or additional "information" is added, especially something as volatile as an accusation that a mother and doctor deliberately injured someone.
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I am adding more info here, sounds like he is a controlling figure for YOU but not his mother, this could turn out more troublesome than you think. I hope he is not just with you because you are easy to manipulate than his mother. If you are having these health/mental issues of your own (bipolar/depression), please don't stay in a relationship where your BF doesn't help you to be all that you can be. And if that was MY cat........he would have no say in how it is to be treated, just another way of getting his foot in on controlling you. And just because you met in 9th grade doesn't explain what you love about him. I also met my husband when I was in 8th grade, we are still together after 41 years. He has never told me how to handle my aged parents, he has been with me thru thick and thin. we discuss things and handle things.... you my dear are going to be in a relationship where you will do things to "satisfy/please" him or their will be consequences. Please go back for some more therapy and go from there. good luck
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I am helping my boyfriend with his mom that is a fall risk and has altermizers. I don't think I should have to help but he went to jail and left me stranded taking care of her cause no one else will so I feel sorry for him I only been dating him for about 6 month's now
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Read the book, When He's Married to Mom. It is about mom enmeshed men like your boyfriend. It sounds like his mother has made him her emotional partner and likely tried to do that with the other children who had both the insight and guts to pull away. Learn from their example and pull away. Frankly he's in the clutches of an emotionally incestuous relationship that you're not going to be able to break. Only he can get out with both professional help and a lot of hard work. Don't even think of trying to be the mother that he never had! That's a deadly trap.
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I think that's often the way when you hear advice you don't like, isn't it, Garden? Or possibly someone else didn't like… But I hope not the latter. Bad situation. Hope she doesn't get in any deeper, that's all.
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Pronounce the OP's name as well. Think of women who need a certain kind of SO to fulfill their own needs, whatever they may be, rather than have a more balanced relationship, which is never going to happen in the relationship described.
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You can't marry every man you love.
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Has anyone noticed that the OP hasn't been back since she posted about the alleged doctor incident of intentionally injuring the son, and the fraudulent lawsuits filed? Hmmmmm....one wonders....
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sounds to me like you should get your own place to live and let your boyfriend stay with his mother. its nice that he care about her but does he do it willingly or out of self pity or guilt. And you say that 3 others live with you, your BF and mother......that's a lot of people. Find your own place even if its a motel room for one. but not sure what you are going to do with your dogs, but don't let them there. tell your BF what you are planning on doing and for heavens sake...DO NOT plan on having kids until ALL things are settled. This would be considered child endangerment with the dog poop around............
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Neetty, I know it's got to be hard to read all this but the people on this board are right, so very right. People gave me some good advice when I was young to get out of an unhealthy relationship. But I was overvaluing a connection with an unhealthy man because other connections were hard for me to make - I do relate to your position. Still I can never get those ten years of my life back and twenty years later, I do have strong regrets. Also men who have unresolved unhealthy relationships with their mothers will, without doubt, carry that into their marriage - there is no way for them not to. This isn't something you need. Maybe he controls how you feed your cat because he has zero control when he deals with her. If you marry him, how much control of you will he need to have of you then to make up for his lack of control all his life with her? It's a bad deal for you. This in the end really isn't about you bf's mother, it's about you and you taking care of you - therapy might really help you to decide what that means.
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NEETTY, this "man" is still a little boy at mommy's beck and call. This is way "not normal" and you cannot fix it. Very sick. You may love this guy, but mom's got her hooks in and you will always be a poor second, if that. This kind of evil can survive even mom's death to affect your boyfriend's capacity for normal relationships. For your own sanity look elsewhere for a normal life.
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NEETY, are you still here?
?
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Without a marriage license, you have no right nor authority. Keep your opinions to yourself unless asked.
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I know this will cut to the core but needs to be said. Before you judge how your boyfriend acts and feels about his mom, ask yourself what kind of person would put up with him???? Not to say he is a bad person, but every moment of your life you spend waiting on him to be able to "man-up" are very precious moments down the drain. The truth is, without a considerable amount of therapy, he will never be any better than he is today. Remember....she is HIS mother and has him in her web. You have a choice, but you are WILLINGLY climbing in right behind him. You are not married but if you were he would still act this way. He DEMANDED you apologize. You had a choice but you WILLINGLY apologized. You have a very big part in all this. If you don't take care of you, who will? As has been said, a break-up will be difficult but better now than after you have a child! I wish you all the best. You are definitely in a "damned if I do and damned if I don't" emotional situation. Good luck.
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NEETY, from a person who's been there and done that, Run! It will not get any easier. I used to blame all of the selfishness on my MIL. Truth? Bf is as much to blame as MIL because he enables his mother. Some of the similar traits may surface as he gets older. How could he even think of living with her unless he was already accustomed to it. Is this the life you would want for yourself and future family?
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Please listen to these people. We r probably you parents age and have been there. Be thankful you have seen how things are before you married him. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they are marriage material. A bad MIL will ruin a marriage. Let him leave but tell him you cannot live with her. If he chooses her, then you know where you stand. Maybe leaving with her after not living with her will open his eyes. Get ur ducks in a row and good luck.
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Kick him to the curb. Do you have a job? If not, get one.
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If she is falling, she needs to be referred to a rehabilitation center and checked for dementia as well. Until bf leaves the state of denial, someone should contact the welfare or something
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Ok so this is your boyfriend not your husband. Why are you thinking of starting a family with a man who only defines commitment in terms of taking care of his mother. His mom is his priority, not you. When he finds a women he wants to commit the rest of his life too he should leave and cleve. Go to pre marital counseling before you get pregnant. No child deserves this mess.
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Sorry to say, Neety, I must agree wth the majority of posters here - you are in a losing situation. Get some counseling - for yourself at the very least. You're too young to be throwing your life away on someone who will NEVER put you 1st!
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I sympathize with your situation but there are a few things you need to accept. First, your bf has made his choice. He wants to/feels he has to care for his mother. If you pressure him to walk away from that he will resent you and it will probably end your relationship anyway. I think you need to rethink starting a family at this time. Sounds as if you both would have major problems on deciding how to raise children. He sounds very controlling and you sound very immature. sorry but you are both young and needs some time to mature a bit. Stop living together, let him move in with his mom, don't see him for a awhile but keep in touch and see how it goes. If he truly misses and loves you then he will decide to make the changes necessary to get back on track. If he doesn't then he is certainly not ready to commit to a family and you need to accept that he is just not the person for you. Not trying to be cold but it just doesn't sound like you too can sit and make decisions as a couple. Sounds like he is making all the decisions and really doesn't care for your input. That won't work with raising children.
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my only comments: you're a girlfriend not a wife. In my book that doesn't give you any rights, sorry. If you want commitment from him, marry him. Yes, I'm being judgmental. In the meantime, its his mother, his decisions. When or if she becomes your MIL, then you have the right to make demands. Otherwise, run, don't walk away from this situation. Women are always on the losing end when they live with someone w/o commitment. That's the feminist in me talking, not the Christian. The bottom line is this woman is NOT your responsibility nor your problem, its HIS. Run
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NEETY, you love him because he accepts you for who you are. Really? That's why he "makes" you apologize to your mother -- because he accepts how you feel about her? That's why he is stern with you and determines how your pets must be fed? Because he accepts you to be an independent individual who can make her own decisions?

Thinking he was your own true love in 9th grade was acceptable. You are a capable adult now. Go back into therapy if you feel you need help in making other lasting friendships. But don't settle for less than you deserve just because he is familiar.
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I do not see where anybody has said thet Neetty has a codependent relationship with BF. No other friends, he has mom. What an ugly triangle this is. RUN do not walk!
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My ex-fiance had a very unhealthy relationship - with this sister! She basically raised him due to their dysfuntional parents. My relationship with him ended for different reasons - but now looking back - I'm so, SO thankful we didn't get married. He was such a Mama's Boy - to his sister - and she was very, very needy to him. She would call him ALL THE TIME! And he always afraid of disapponting her. It was just getting a little too creepy for me. Their relationship was way, way too co-dependent. But I was so whipped at the time because this guy, I thought, had all that I wanted in a future spouse. I was very, very blind and I kept hoping he would put me first. So I waited. And waited. And waited. I just got tired of it. You really need to consider how much longer you're willing be in this relationship because the relationship of your boyrfriend to his mother - will not change - period. His mother is the most important person in his life - I'm not trying to be mean - but clearly he's not putting your needs first. You need to decide if you're okay with being number 2 until his mother passes away.
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Well my ex boyfriend's mom was actually very nice, but she did take up a lot of his time and he was resentful. I never really pressured him to put her in a nursing home, but he finally did.
He then left for a large city and proceeded to move in with another woman.
You might want to really re evaluate your relationship. Sounds like you are not the most important one in his life.
Could be a co dependent relationship that he has with mom.
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He was probably told that story by his mother and believed her...he may not know the truth of it, depending on how old he was when the accident happened. Like everyone else on here, I say run the other direction. Not your circus, not your monkeys. When you see crazy coming, cross the street! He's clearly chosen his mother over you...once you understand that, you'll be ready to move on (I hope!). Work on putting your life on a more even keel - try to make some female friendships - they're the best thing in the world to help you get through difficult times. Don't put all of your emotions into one person. That's what his mom did with him and look how that turned out. Take care of yourself!
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I agree with CM; I found this story to reek of someone who lies easily. Please, please, get on with your life.
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Woah.

I find that story unbelievable, that a doctor would inflict burns, leaving scars, on a child's back, at a parent's behest, in pursuit of an insurance claim.

I don't mean I am horrified. I mean I find that not credible. And if that is what he told you, and if you are in the process of making this man the centre of your universe, and given your mental health related vulnerabilities, if you were my daughter I would have you out of there by any means I had to use. Him and his mother - adios.
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IMHO you will never be able to fix these people. Who hurts a child to make $ off of it. Not acceptable. Would this man let the same thing slide with your own children because "mama" wants attention.

You have had some very good advice here. The person you are today is NOT the same woman you will be at 30, 40, 50. RUN, RUN, RUN. Don't lose the very best years on your life on this bunch of fools. You will get over it and find a person that makes YOU a priority. You will never be more important than his mama. Sorry, that was harsh, but you need a wake up call.
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