Did I make the right decision putting my loved one in assisted living?

Don't second guess yourself and hang in there. I know exactly what you are going through. I put my husband in a Memory Care facility 16 days ago and it is just going to take time. I tried daycare and home health care. He got aggressive with me when he knew I had someone in the house that was going to stay with him. He only grabbed my shoulders, but it was enough for me to know that it was only going to get worse. My DH needed more socialization then I could give him and my health was deteriorating. He wasn't happy with our home situation, due to his being tormented by this disease, and neither was I. I have not seen him yet, as recommended by the staff, so he could get acclimated to his new surroundings. I chose a facility that had many activities and men to socialize with. I know in time that he will get use to his new surroundings and when the time comes, I will be able to visit with him and give him the quality time where we could both be happy, free of stress. It will be our 50th Anniversary next month, if all goes well we will spend it together and with our family at HIS new home. It is not easy right now, but I believe it was the best decision for both of us.

Thank you, NY DaughterInLaw — that makes total sense and it really helps. I find that the more guilt I allow myself to have, the more narrow my understanding of the other alternatives becomes. So it helps to have someone say something that makes me question my assumptions and decisions. Thanks again!

Of course, you made the right decision. The right one for your LO and the right one for you. You cannot take care of someone else if you yourself is not taken care of. Remember...your LO will only get worse and you need your strength to take care of him/her in the waning years.

Good luck and good wishes.

LuvRLabs2 I took care of my mom Who had Alzheimer's for over four years and she was at home when she passed. I would not have had it any other way. But there were times when I cried and felt that I simply could not take it anymore. Then a little time would go by and I would rally. I never got close to putting her in a home. But I visited homes and had selected the one she would go into if it became necessary.

This is a huge decision to make. It is a heartbreaking conclusion to come to...that you must move you LO elsewhere. You have gone through emotional hurdles, and physical hurdles before even thinking about moving him to a facility. Then you start the emotional upheaval of whether it is time to make that move and you slogged the the river of guilt. And having born all this you felt it was right to place him in a professional home. I cannot help but believe you made the right decision. You went through too much to get to this place.

It would be the very rare situation indeed if you did not feel incredible guilt. You are a caregiver, it is not our nature to stop giving care. And you wont. Your caregiving will continue in a different format. The truth is, while it is understandable that you would feel sadness, your guilt is unfounded. You took care of your husband to the point of risking your own health. What would the healthy version of your husband say to that? I suspect he would tell you not to do it.

He will need time to adjust. From what I understand this is the awful phase. But in time he may get to feeling that your visits interfere with his fun time. Remember you are dealing with an Alzheimer's brain, not your whole husbands brain and it is different.

Be patient with him and show grace to yourself. You did what you had to do for his benefit as well as yours. Do not forget that part. When you start to feel guilty remember you did what was best for him, to ensure he has the care and support necessary for his condition. It takes a whole team of people on multiple shifts to meet the needs of an Alzheimer's patient. There comes a point where it is just too much for any one person to do.

I read on this very site that you shouldn't visit every day because they will not assimilate into their new environment as well. It is important that they get to know their surroundings and the people there. Usually AL facilities provide activities and entertainment daily and these and mealtime are great ways to get to know the others.

She is in now, but this may not be the best alternative. Parent always do better in their own homes.

I'm in the same situation. My Mom will be 91 on Oct. 7. She had a stroke a few years back but could still use a walker, so I continued to work, which required a lot of travel. It has just been the 2 of us for many years. Then she had a second stroke and could no longer be left alone. But I couldn't afford in-home healthcare aides. So I ended up giving up my job and we've been financially strapped since. Still, with help she was able to use her walker and I helped her get in some exercise every day. Keeping her at home felt like the right thing to do. At her age, however, decline is inevitable. Last fall her feet began to hurt; she has bad hammertoes and is too old for surgery. Once her feet hurt she couldn't walk and that stopped the exercise. Which led to further decline. At this point she is basically blind, mostly deaf, and unable to get up at all. For a number of months she continued to feed herself and I was able to get her up on the walker to make it to the toilet. But she can't do any of that any more. Over the last 2 months it is to the point that I feed her, change her like a baby, get her into clean pajamas, and generally do everything for her. I'm 69 and trying to keep our heads above water by walking dogs to pay for groceries. I did not want my Mom to go into a home while she knows where she is and have her be afraid and miserable. But some days, now, she doesn't remember where she is. Most days she does, but not all. And I'm tired and frustrated. It's too much work for me. As of this last week she is now staying in bed. And I've accepted the fact that I simply can't give her the care she deserves. I know she's dehydrated and she's starting to get sores on on rear because of lying in the bed. I keep her as clean as I can, but i also have to leave to walk dogs, take care of the house, our pets, and the yard. I don't want to lose my home for lack of money, and I need to pick up more work to pay for things. I can't do it while mom is here. I've been told by the area agency on aging that although she doesn't have Medicaid now, our circumstances make her eligible. But the process to get it here in TX is daunting. She'll have to be in the hospital for 3 days and her doctor will then have to place her in an assisted living facility/skilled nursing facility for at least 30 days. There are several months of whatever after that, and then I have to find a home that takes Medicaid AND has a Medicaid bed available. Which suggests to me that sometime during that time period I may have to bring her back home until a place is settled on. In any case, around all of that I, too, am struggling with guilt, even though I know it's not my fault. My Mom is very old, I'm not young, and I simply don't have the physical or financial means to keep caring for her. I hope you see that you are certainly not alone in dealing with the issues of aging. It's a foregone conclusion that sooner or later all of us will deal with it. For some it is easier as all circumstances differ. But it's unavoidably sad. If a person doesn't find it sad, something is missing...

Being around people their own age forces elders to make an effort, to use their brains, to think. Your mother is in denial of the fact that she IS old. Being around people her own age is a gentle way of nudging her into reality. Research demonstrates that people with a social network are healthier. Your mother didn't let you eat cotton candy and popcorn every day because it wasn't good for you; she made you eat your vegetables. Sometimes that sort of tough love is necessary.

I have no idea what DH means. LO is loved one.

Sometimes I do not understand the acronyms used here.

What is DH?

Is LO = loved one?

Others?

I agree with Johnandmom! Do what is right for both of you given the info you have. Regrets are equally powerful force. If nothing works and your LO ends up in an AL, you know in your heart you have done your best. Sometimes your best is no longer appropriate. But at least there won't be lingering questions about what-if...

No matter whatever you decide, you WILL run into problems and they cast doubt on your decisions. If you can, have a backup emergency plan and consult with your doctors, social workers, lawyer, etc ... for advice. Hire a geriatric care manager to guide you. Look online for questions to ask during your first interview with them. I shied away from solo practitioners because they can be too busy and they don't have a back up. Not to say they aren't good; just that you need a back up if they are too busy or if you have an emergency.

I am terrified with my decision to bring my husband home but the decision is made with a lot of input from other people. I take comfort in knowing that I am doing my best for him. If that fails, I will try another option and feel less guilty about not doing enough.

I am rambling...

You made the right decision. Availabilities are becoming harder to get. If you let things go until a crisis happens, then you are making "deer in the headlights" decisions. If frequent falls, incontinence, and memory loss are issues, then it's time for ALF. We'd seen several over 22 years of "I'm lonely and want company" to "I want my own apartment where no one will bother me." My opinion these days is that there are not enough simple facilities. Only wealthy folks can pay for the very (overly) fancy facilities. And, fancy doesn't last; your LO's ability to get around diminishes and/or they lose interest. The upfront fee paid "for overall facility care" ropes a lot of persons into thinking they need to stay w/ that facility because they paid so much. It was good to hear of many of you saying that "the staff is so wonderful" even at small ALFs. Look around, and get your name on a waiting list if you see "the one."

Back to the feeling of guilt. I found out that my LO didn't even recall the last few months of staying at home w/ all the holiday festivities ect. It was also a terrifying time of multiple falls, many Life Alert calls, and emergency room visits. I should have told the ER persons then that I'd already spoken with Adult Protective Svcs about my concerns. They will put an elder in a cab to go back to their house if the person requests it. I lived several states away and was on my sixth trip to her state in that year and knew I was at a breaking point.

Their wanting to "go home" is a wish to go back to their childhood home. Redirect conversation, compliment on how everything is going well, and please don't heap guilt on yourself. ALF's have safe and proper care. You've done the best you can.

You poor thing. The fact that you are so worried about this shows that you have a loving heart. You can not be there for your loved one if you are exhausted both physically and mentally. Your loved one may not understand now but what you did was in the best interest of BOTH of you. I fought the decision to do the same with my mom but once I did it, my relationship with her got better and better because I was not so tired and run down. Trust me...the quality of life now that you have made this decision, will be better for both of you. This decision you made will give him some independence and the care that he needs and will give you your life back. You are NOT being selfish in doing this. You will be more help to him both physically and emotionally when you are at your best. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself.

Don't feel guilty. At my mom's request, I helped her move into an assisted living facility. We gave it a month. She didn't like it. So, I moved her back in here with me. But some people there thought it was the best thing ever. It did give me time to make her bathroom more accessible. It has to be right for both people. You and your loved one. It's not simple. I opted for what I wouldn't regret later. Within our family...my three brothers and sisters would have moved her to one...I would rather keep her here. But both are great choices. You have to live too. It can also be a very long commitment to have them home. Could be a decade. Good luck.

LuvRLabs2, I'm in the same boat. It's been 9 months now. Still feel torn at times, but my 94 yr old mom is in the right place. Safety is my utmost goal and I was burned out. I am now getting ready go move her from NH to Memory Care which she needs. After all the falls and other concerns I know I made the right decision. I am getting my life back slowly and can be a daughter again instead of the all around caregiver with no help. The guilt still creeps in. Then I remind myself what it was like finding her on the floor and constantly calling 911 for help. Now she has a staff that adores her and has her under a constant watchful eye 24/7. I have a peace of mind knowing her safety is assured and instant help is constantly there. I can get a good nights sleep with no constant interruptions. It just takes time and slowly you'll be able to push the guilt away and just be able to visit without the stress of being the sole caregiver. Good luck to you and your LO.

My wife of 65 years has been in an ALF for 4 months now. The first few weeks she fought it, but gradually adjusted. I visit her often, and sometimes take her out to eat. She now refers to the facility as "home." The entire staff at the ALF is wonderful.
At first, like you, I felt guilty, in spite of the fact that she became unmanageable, even hostile, while at home. She has calmed down considerably at the facility.
I don't know your circumstances, but I can ask what would happen if taking him back caused you stress that brought on a heart attack or nervous breakdown. What would happen if you were killed or disabled in an accident? What would happen to him in such events? What about some disaster like a house fire that required fast evacuation? We have no such worries if our LOs are in an ALF.
I wish you the best.

Lindabf. Yes there are benefits to being around others your own age. Shared musical memories, living though the same time in history, someone who gets why you don't want to wear the hearing aid...

I think it helps the aging crowd to be around others thier age for the social interaction, and to realize they are "apart" of a larger group. People in the same age bracket, seem to communicate in a mutual understanding of one another. I like to conversate with other thirty-somethings! You just relate and feel like your on a shared path in this incredible journey of life. Thier are always exceptions to the rules! I imagine people who have been anti-social thier whole life may not go in a NH, and count down days to bingo! It is an adjustment period for the family and patient, and should be given time. After they become more comfortable in the environment they are likely to participate and try new things. I'm on verge of this painful, and guilt-ridden decision also. Reading these comments help a ton. Because it puts in perspective, what I know in my heart. We love our LO, but things always change so we have to prepare for the decision when it just doesn't seem feasible anymore. I'm there now, and know I'm making the best decision for All involved. Being stressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed isn't good for no one! Take care all! And best wishes 😇

It is extremely hard, I know. We made the decision for my dad, and now that he has passed, I still feel bad, but my sister and I could no longer cope. They need the full time professional care and if that is what he needs, it is the best you can do. Take care of you too.

Do not feel guilty but make sure you have chosen the best place possible. I was surprised and even shocked to see how well my 92-y-o mom likes her assisted living place and I attribute that to the research my sister and I did on local places. She was in my opinion not getting enough social interaction and now she has 10 other residents, a wonderful staff, Zumba and music instructors and even visiting therapy pets. Make sure your LO has access to the TV shows and internet that he had at home so the transition goes smoothly. Also if that particular facility doesn't seem right, find another better one....

Curious, Did you ever consider having a caretaker come to your home when your LO was with you. It can be much cheaper and safer in the long run to have caretakers in your own home when caring for a family member. Remember you do not have to do everything -- there is great help out there!

My wife wanted to go to Assistance in Living over three years ago now and I still occasionally feel guilty. I spend specific time with her every morning, afternoon and evening. She is cared for by others although I am the "care partner" - it's so good to hear the D.O.N. tell me that I am doing a good job of helping in the situation my wife and I are in. I am involved.

I feel for you because I have and still am going through this as well. I had never felt the emotion of guilt in my life, and I am 68! My husband and I were living with and taking care of my mother for 5 years, after having moved nearby 10 years ago to help her.

This last year, my husband developed high blood pressure and I was always fatigued, sleepless, stressed. The moment came when I had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life, and for the sake of my marriage and our health, I made it.

Mom has been in ALZ facility or 5 months now. The first 3 months were difficult as she asked to come home daily. I had to explain to her why she was there - her physical and mental issues that I could not longer take care of - many times each day, as she would forget and call again and again. This was very hard. The staff at the facility is very good and cares for her, but my Mom is not very social so she will not enjoy the activities there....I finally realized this is her choice and no one can push her.

Now, the reason I am writing you is that on the 4th and 5th months, Mom has adjusted somewhat...to the point that when she now asks to come home a couple of times a week, all I have to repeat to her, with love, for her to understand and accept is:
"Mom, remember that a year ago you told me that when your care got too much for me to handle, that I should find a good nursing home for you? Well, this is the best in the area. Remember I could no longer work or spend time with my husband?"
Mom then says to me: "Yes, you did the right thing. They take good care of me here. They are very nice."

I hold on to this answer until the next time she asks to come home, or why am I here, or the doctor has not seen me today - she continually thinks she is in the hospital, and other times she thinks she is at home and that I sleep in the next room.

It is a cruel disease. It is sad. I have had to accept her karma and do the best I can to call her each day and to visit her 2 or 3 times each week. I have had to learn how to choose myself and my life instead of sacrificing all my energy to another. I am learning balance and so will you. Stay your path and do not bring your LO back home yet. It takes time for them to adjust.
All the best!

NY Daughter in Law — I’ve heard this a few times - that it’s important for them to be around people their own age. Suddenly I realize I don’t know why that is important. Mom doesn’t like being around people her own age. And she definitely doesn’t want to spend time with “all those really old and sick people at day care. So what’s the benefit? Just confronting the denial about her own age? (She thinks she’s “at least 36” when she’s almost 99.) I would love to understand the benefits of her being around people her own age. I’ll probably feel kinda dumb for not knowing once I get the explanation - but that’s my own character defect to deal with. I will definitely appreciate clarification on this ‘cause I struggle with it. Thanks!

When I had my brain injured brother try a new program, I found that giving it a real go, was key to his adjustment. At first I tried half time here, half time there. But that prolonged questions for everyone, and did not work. So I made a bargain with him: stay there for an entire month, participate. After a month, if you then feel you want to leave, I will stand behind you. That allowed him to get used to the place, and he never wanted to quit afterwards. And I focused on the need to give this a good try.

I agree with the person who said, visit often - and I would say, notice the timing of facility activities - and maybe do a couple of activities with him, and join him in the dining room - (even if it's a bit hard). And when you leave, tell him how glad you are to see him looking so well. Notice any good things. In other words, you commit also, to valuing this opportunity, keep your questions to yourself. Let him see you are glad to have help, that allows you to visit without being overwhelmed. If there are any shared activities you did, like reading or music, TV shows or movies, see how you can enjoy them there - like buy a DVD player and share reruns with him.

Without trying to overdo, or make suggestions too much, notice what's there to enjoy and do some with him, or notice people in them. In other words, make the facility part of your new network, that still includes him. In my brother's nursing home, they regularly get the best musicians, I'm jealous - there's lots of talent that continues to work by assisting or volunteering at such places. If you spend an enjoyable 2 hours visiting him, then gladly say bye for now, I'll be back on Thursday.... maybe 2 days later - you can be supporting his transition in the best ways you can - and then wait.
If after more than a month, you feel wrong, then look for alternatives, but for now, you've made a commitment, and the best thing you can do is give it a good chance, as there were many good reasons for that commitment!

Dear,dear "Luv", My sisters and I are in the same boat you are, and yes, it's rough seas to sail! Our Mom is in the sixth month of her stay in the second NH. She does not have dementia, but at 92, her body is just too weak, she can barely walk with a walker and an aide. She is trying to learn to scoot along in her wheelchair. She has been very depressed at the loss of her relative independance that she had in the little apartment that my husband and I made for her in our home for the past 4 years. But now, all these months in, she is FINALLY adjusting. She will go now to activities (bingo, games, pet visits,etc.) And has made some friends! But still, there are days...!
So, yes it is heart-wrenching. But HANG IN THERE! If you were at the end of your rope, you HAD to place your loved one! It will be rough seas for a while, but drop anchor, hold on tight,you will be ok!

You made the right decision. We moved my Mom in to AL in March. I went through all the guilt emotions. It took about two months for her to get adjusted. However, she still reminds me that she should never have given up driving and that her driver's license is still current. She grumbles about be bother etc. She tells all her visitors that the only reason she is there is because I found out that she fell! But they can see how rapidly her dementia is progressing. In spite of all that, she is doing well at her facility now.Loves the staff and is making friends.

Worried Spouse put it so well. There are a lot of unwarrented reassurances about Senior Facilities. Mother was in a flashy place that was a hellhole. Families with loved ones were blind to abuses. Members of my family were blind or put themselves first as the facility sought to undermine me and drug me through the mud trying to deal with the abuse of my Mother. The corporate culture was to lie. The Administrator there was a sick puppy. She relished bad behaviors. She even bragged about what they could get away with. The facility got their hooks into my family. There was power triumverate - my cousin, my brother and the Facility that wanted the POA of Health Care from me and to take over Health Care decisions for Mother. My son and I finally got my Mother out of there without a law suit unfortunately, she has permanent eye damage from what was intentional, careless administratio of her Glaucoma eyedrops and in a weakened state where she was confused from so many falls on her head and she went from Independence to wheelchair bound and lost the independence at her age that was amazing. This was a costly senior facility. They wanted me out, I am a retired attorney. I was documenting everything. They are located in the area where I used to practice law. Politics protected the facility. I started out tactfully bringing up matters with the administration. Doing the ground work, joining a facility Caregiver Support Group in the facility, having support friends in the facility and the more I found out about wrongdoing there, the worst it got. I followed advice of AgingCare. Contacted all available agencies. There was a minute, one emotional outburst of support but the caseworker took it back. A prestigeous eye surgeon wrote a letter to the facility asking for an intervention in the administration of Mother's eyedrops, giving that duty to me for three months to try to stabilize Mother's glaucoma condition. Mother's eyes went to ending stage of eyesight as her field of vision was shrinking. She was having visual frightening visual hallucinations. I then had my hours cut to just a few hours a day 5 days a week. Mother was forced from IL to Personal Care and this was the state she was in. I had been staying with Mom 24 x 7 prior to the takeover against her wishes and mine following the facility injuring her in a forced Physical Therapy while she was in IL. (That was against her Dr.'s orders, her wishes and my No). Have to finish up. Getting other ready to go to breakfast now. We got Mom out of the hellhole. We are at another facility. It is much better.

You made the right decision or you would not have done it. Remove the emotionality and you have clarity. Life guides us where we need to be. Thanks for listening to it.
Blessings to your family.

I too am in this situation. My mom was placed in AL in August and it's still hard. She's very cooperative with the staff and is helpful to the other residents, but if I call, I can expect to be dragged over hot coals, stabbed with several verbal knives, and made to feel lower than a snake's belly because she's there and has no freedom and we (my siblings and I) were bad to put her there and the list continues. It's small (6women residents), clean, and the staff is wonderful. Lots of one on one attention. I still feel guilty. She lived with us for 6 weeks and I wasn't sure I'd survive. The stress was so overwhelming, the verbal abuse and threats were more than my husband and I could take. It is (and was) the right decision to make right. It's a hard decision, but for her sake and ours, it had to be done. If she has to be nasty, I'd rather she be nasty to me than to the staff. The staff love her! Hang in there. I'd say it gets easier, but I'm not sure if it does. You do get more accepting of it though. Prayers for you.