Did I make the right decision putting my loved one in assisted living?

You probably made the best decision. It will take him a while to adjust and you will feel very guilty. That is normal. If you had reached that point, then you needed to do something. Give him and yourself some time to get used to things. Good thoughts coming your way.

Stay strong and see this through. You will both be better off in the long run.

You made the best decision for both of you. Do not second guess yourself. Remember that it's important for him to be around people his own age. Now it's time for you to focus on yourself and get your health back.

Yes of course you made the right decision, Because if you went down, you both would have gone down, and this way, you can now turn your attention back to Loving family member, and not single handed caregiver! 

I'm sure that you will still be doing Plenty of caregiving, just in a different way. Now hopefully, you will have some time to enjoy him, and to spend quality time with him, when you are not Always Burnt Out!

After he becomes acclimated, hopefully you will be able to take him our for a few hours here and there, but I'm sure you will still be doing plenty of running around for him, and it will still feel like work for a few months.

Do not bring him back home, it would be a big mistake! Your LO's needs are only going to become greater, remember that!

Good Luck, it's time for some ME TIME! ENJOY IT!

This is a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching decision to make about a loved one. The fact that you made the decision in spite of the pain it causes you tells me you did the right thing.

Guilt seems to be the background reality for caregivers. No matter how hard we try, we are never going to be able to fix our loved one, and somehow we think we should be able to. This sense of guilt is irrational and unearned, but it is extremely common. If you can't overcome it completely, at least push it way to the back of your mind, and don't let it influence your decisions.

Ten days is way too soon for anyone to settle into a new environment. And dementia can make it harder. Hang in there!

You made the right choice. You were pushed to the wall.

10 days is nothing in the scheme of things. It's just so very fresh to both of you. Adjustments will be made, it's kind of how it works though it's so very difficult. It's no fun at all and I endured 7 years of it with my mom.

I can't say it will get better. Manageable would be my word as far as my mother's experience. She wouldn't participate in any activities so she was always pretty negative.

Your words "that you feel guilty causing this" struck me. YOU did NOT cause this situation. The disease did this to your loved one. The blame lies with the disease and its' awful affects, not you at all.

I realize you were describing the change in living situation, but that is what it is, living. You deserve to live without horrible, unmanageable stress that makes you ill too.

Prayers for more peaceful days in the future for you and your LO.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I will save them and read them often. Yes this is so hard but your comments showed me the sense of my decision and I know it but just want to end this adjustment. Patience is not my forte, can you tell. I will continue and remember your advice. Thank you again, so glad to have others out there helping others. I hope in time to do the same to others.

What other options did you have? Everyone has adjustment periods. As long as it is nice and clean and you go visit often. That is the Key when you have a loved one anywhere. GO OFTEN. Make sure you get to know the staff since they are caring for your loved one. If your loved one is your spouse and not your mother or father then this is something you should of discussed. If it is your parents and you have sisters and or brothers did they discuss the decision. Any which way if it continues and he or she does not like or adjust, believe me the location will bring it to your attention. Many of these places only want people who are docile. If they cause any problems there seems to be zero tolerance. Just my opinion.

I am in the same situation my mother has been in a nursing home 3 weeks now and not settling very well at all. She has emotional issues and is very stuck in her ways. I cannot provide the emotional care that she needs she needs professional support so I have placed her in a nursing home that looks after her every need. I don't feel guilty as I know she has wonderful care and it is the illness and old age that is the problem. Speak to the care staff they will reassure you and hopefully that will stop you worrying so much. Its so hard to let go of the guilt and worry but you must look after yourself too. You are just as important and you need to be there to visit and support your eldery relative. Hope this helps helps.

My therapist says when you see one dementia case, you see one dementia case. Meaning, every case is different. Your case is unique to your own situation. My case is similar to yours, but not the same. I am going through what you are going through, so I know exactly how guilty you feel and how much anguish you have now for placing your loved one in an AL. Face it, AL with memory care is just a fancy name for a confined institution. How would ANY of us like to be placed in a home where you live with a bunch of strangers and you cannot get out? It would drive me insane.

My husband has been in the AL for 6 weeks now and he is still not adjusting well. I have been seeking therapy for that much time to cope with my guilt and sadness, and I am not progressing well either. The AL is also making errors, so that adds another layer of grief to my plate. I am seeking an alternative care option and I am moving towards home care with adult day care during the day while I am at work and night health aide so that I can sleep to go to work the next day. Interestingly, the cost is less expensive than at the AL.

I don't have sage advice for you, except that you should take this opportunity to explore other care options. Remember that there is no perfect solution. Choose the one that works best for you under the circumstances and give it a shot. If it does not work, then try another option. If you don't try, you may look back later and regret it.

Feel free to share any tips you have with us. We are here to learn too.

I went to look at your profile and I am guessing that the LO in question is your DH, your husband?

Regardless, only you can know if you made the right decision. Lord knows, you don't need guilt right now. Sometimes our best intentions don't work the way we thought and hoped. This is why I never promised to keep my LO's out of a NH. Because I can't predict the future.

I am currently taking care of my 96 yr old DH and he is still at home. He has "age related memory loss" but not dementia.

I like what WorriedSpouse has suggested. We all still have many options at our fingertips - we just need to know what they are.

I will continue to keep my DH at home as long as I can. But I try to remember there are many options available and we just need to find out what they are.

Praying you find the right decision for you.

Think of this also. Does your LO feel guilty for making you sick and run down caring for them? They should want what is best for you too.

I too am in this situation. My mom was placed in AL in August and it's still hard. She's very cooperative with the staff and is helpful to the other residents, but if I call, I can expect to be dragged over hot coals, stabbed with several verbal knives, and made to feel lower than a snake's belly because she's there and has no freedom and we (my siblings and I) were bad to put her there and the list continues. It's small (6women residents), clean, and the staff is wonderful. Lots of one on one attention. I still feel guilty. She lived with us for 6 weeks and I wasn't sure I'd survive. The stress was so overwhelming, the verbal abuse and threats were more than my husband and I could take. It is (and was) the right decision to make right. It's a hard decision, but for her sake and ours, it had to be done. If she has to be nasty, I'd rather she be nasty to me than to the staff. The staff love her! Hang in there. I'd say it gets easier, but I'm not sure if it does. You do get more accepting of it though. Prayers for you.

You made the right decision or you would not have done it. Remove the emotionality and you have clarity. Life guides us where we need to be. Thanks for listening to it.
Blessings to your family.

Worried Spouse put it so well. There are a lot of unwarrented reassurances about Senior Facilities. Mother was in a flashy place that was a hellhole. Families with loved ones were blind to abuses. Members of my family were blind or put themselves first as the facility sought to undermine me and drug me through the mud trying to deal with the abuse of my Mother. The corporate culture was to lie. The Administrator there was a sick puppy. She relished bad behaviors. She even bragged about what they could get away with. The facility got their hooks into my family. There was power triumverate - my cousin, my brother and the Facility that wanted the POA of Health Care from me and to take over Health Care decisions for Mother. My son and I finally got my Mother out of there without a law suit unfortunately, she has permanent eye damage from what was intentional, careless administratio of her Glaucoma eyedrops and in a weakened state where she was confused from so many falls on her head and she went from Independence to wheelchair bound and lost the independence at her age that was amazing. This was a costly senior facility. They wanted me out, I am a retired attorney. I was documenting everything. They are located in the area where I used to practice law. Politics protected the facility. I started out tactfully bringing up matters with the administration. Doing the ground work, joining a facility Caregiver Support Group in the facility, having support friends in the facility and the more I found out about wrongdoing there, the worst it got. I followed advice of AgingCare. Contacted all available agencies. There was a minute, one emotional outburst of support but the caseworker took it back. A prestigeous eye surgeon wrote a letter to the facility asking for an intervention in the administration of Mother's eyedrops, giving that duty to me for three months to try to stabilize Mother's glaucoma condition. Mother's eyes went to ending stage of eyesight as her field of vision was shrinking. She was having visual frightening visual hallucinations. I then had my hours cut to just a few hours a day 5 days a week. Mother was forced from IL to Personal Care and this was the state she was in. I had been staying with Mom 24 x 7 prior to the takeover against her wishes and mine following the facility injuring her in a forced Physical Therapy while she was in IL. (That was against her Dr.'s orders, her wishes and my No). Have to finish up. Getting other ready to go to breakfast now. We got Mom out of the hellhole. We are at another facility. It is much better.

You made the right decision. We moved my Mom in to AL in March. I went through all the guilt emotions. It took about two months for her to get adjusted. However, she still reminds me that she should never have given up driving and that her driver's license is still current. She grumbles about be bother etc. She tells all her visitors that the only reason she is there is because I found out that she fell! But they can see how rapidly her dementia is progressing. In spite of all that, she is doing well at her facility now.Loves the staff and is making friends.

Dear,dear "Luv", My sisters and I are in the same boat you are, and yes, it's rough seas to sail! Our Mom is in the sixth month of her stay in the second NH. She does not have dementia, but at 92, her body is just too weak, she can barely walk with a walker and an aide. She is trying to learn to scoot along in her wheelchair. She has been very depressed at the loss of her relative independance that she had in the little apartment that my husband and I made for her in our home for the past 4 years. But now, all these months in, she is FINALLY adjusting. She will go now to activities (bingo, games, pet visits,etc.) And has made some friends! But still, there are days...!
So, yes it is heart-wrenching. But HANG IN THERE! If you were at the end of your rope, you HAD to place your loved one! It will be rough seas for a while, but drop anchor, hold on tight,you will be ok!

When I had my brain injured brother try a new program, I found that giving it a real go, was key to his adjustment. At first I tried half time here, half time there. But that prolonged questions for everyone, and did not work. So I made a bargain with him: stay there for an entire month, participate. After a month, if you then feel you want to leave, I will stand behind you. That allowed him to get used to the place, and he never wanted to quit afterwards. And I focused on the need to give this a good try.

I agree with the person who said, visit often - and I would say, notice the timing of facility activities - and maybe do a couple of activities with him, and join him in the dining room - (even if it's a bit hard). And when you leave, tell him how glad you are to see him looking so well. Notice any good things. In other words, you commit also, to valuing this opportunity, keep your questions to yourself. Let him see you are glad to have help, that allows you to visit without being overwhelmed. If there are any shared activities you did, like reading or music, TV shows or movies, see how you can enjoy them there - like buy a DVD player and share reruns with him.

Without trying to overdo, or make suggestions too much, notice what's there to enjoy and do some with him, or notice people in them. In other words, make the facility part of your new network, that still includes him. In my brother's nursing home, they regularly get the best musicians, I'm jealous - there's lots of talent that continues to work by assisting or volunteering at such places. If you spend an enjoyable 2 hours visiting him, then gladly say bye for now, I'll be back on Thursday.... maybe 2 days later - you can be supporting his transition in the best ways you can - and then wait.
If after more than a month, you feel wrong, then look for alternatives, but for now, you've made a commitment, and the best thing you can do is give it a good chance, as there were many good reasons for that commitment!

NY Daughter in Law — I’ve heard this a few times - that it’s important for them to be around people their own age. Suddenly I realize I don’t know why that is important. Mom doesn’t like being around people her own age. And she definitely doesn’t want to spend time with “all those really old and sick people at day care. So what’s the benefit? Just confronting the denial about her own age? (She thinks she’s “at least 36” when she’s almost 99.) I would love to understand the benefits of her being around people her own age. I’ll probably feel kinda dumb for not knowing once I get the explanation - but that’s my own character defect to deal with. I will definitely appreciate clarification on this ‘cause I struggle with it. Thanks!

I feel for you because I have and still am going through this as well. I had never felt the emotion of guilt in my life, and I am 68! My husband and I were living with and taking care of my mother for 5 years, after having moved nearby 10 years ago to help her.

This last year, my husband developed high blood pressure and I was always fatigued, sleepless, stressed. The moment came when I had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life, and for the sake of my marriage and our health, I made it.

Mom has been in ALZ facility or 5 months now. The first 3 months were difficult as she asked to come home daily. I had to explain to her why she was there - her physical and mental issues that I could not longer take care of - many times each day, as she would forget and call again and again. This was very hard. The staff at the facility is very good and cares for her, but my Mom is not very social so she will not enjoy the activities there....I finally realized this is her choice and no one can push her.

Now, the reason I am writing you is that on the 4th and 5th months, Mom has adjusted somewhat...to the point that when she now asks to come home a couple of times a week, all I have to repeat to her, with love, for her to understand and accept is:
"Mom, remember that a year ago you told me that when your care got too much for me to handle, that I should find a good nursing home for you? Well, this is the best in the area. Remember I could no longer work or spend time with my husband?"
Mom then says to me: "Yes, you did the right thing. They take good care of me here. They are very nice."

I hold on to this answer until the next time she asks to come home, or why am I here, or the doctor has not seen me today - she continually thinks she is in the hospital, and other times she thinks she is at home and that I sleep in the next room.

It is a cruel disease. It is sad. I have had to accept her karma and do the best I can to call her each day and to visit her 2 or 3 times each week. I have had to learn how to choose myself and my life instead of sacrificing all my energy to another. I am learning balance and so will you. Stay your path and do not bring your LO back home yet. It takes time for them to adjust.
All the best!

My wife wanted to go to Assistance in Living over three years ago now and I still occasionally feel guilty. I spend specific time with her every morning, afternoon and evening. She is cared for by others although I am the "care partner" - it's so good to hear the D.O.N. tell me that I am doing a good job of helping in the situation my wife and I are in. I am involved.

Curious, Did you ever consider having a caretaker come to your home when your LO was with you. It can be much cheaper and safer in the long run to have caretakers in your own home when caring for a family member. Remember you do not have to do everything -- there is great help out there!

Do not feel guilty but make sure you have chosen the best place possible. I was surprised and even shocked to see how well my 92-y-o mom likes her assisted living place and I attribute that to the research my sister and I did on local places. She was in my opinion not getting enough social interaction and now she has 10 other residents, a wonderful staff, Zumba and music instructors and even visiting therapy pets. Make sure your LO has access to the TV shows and internet that he had at home so the transition goes smoothly. Also if that particular facility doesn't seem right, find another better one....

It is extremely hard, I know. We made the decision for my dad, and now that he has passed, I still feel bad, but my sister and I could no longer cope. They need the full time professional care and if that is what he needs, it is the best you can do. Take care of you too.

I think it helps the aging crowd to be around others thier age for the social interaction, and to realize they are "apart" of a larger group. People in the same age bracket, seem to communicate in a mutual understanding of one another. I like to conversate with other thirty-somethings! You just relate and feel like your on a shared path in this incredible journey of life. Thier are always exceptions to the rules! I imagine people who have been anti-social thier whole life may not go in a NH, and count down days to bingo! It is an adjustment period for the family and patient, and should be given time. After they become more comfortable in the environment they are likely to participate and try new things. I'm on verge of this painful, and guilt-ridden decision also. Reading these comments help a ton. Because it puts in perspective, what I know in my heart. We love our LO, but things always change so we have to prepare for the decision when it just doesn't seem feasible anymore. I'm there now, and know I'm making the best decision for All involved. Being stressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed isn't good for no one! Take care all! And best wishes 😇

Lindabf. Yes there are benefits to being around others your own age. Shared musical memories, living though the same time in history, someone who gets why you don't want to wear the hearing aid...

My wife of 65 years has been in an ALF for 4 months now. The first few weeks she fought it, but gradually adjusted. I visit her often, and sometimes take her out to eat. She now refers to the facility as "home." The entire staff at the ALF is wonderful.
At first, like you, I felt guilty, in spite of the fact that she became unmanageable, even hostile, while at home. She has calmed down considerably at the facility.
I don't know your circumstances, but I can ask what would happen if taking him back caused you stress that brought on a heart attack or nervous breakdown. What would happen if you were killed or disabled in an accident? What would happen to him in such events? What about some disaster like a house fire that required fast evacuation? We have no such worries if our LOs are in an ALF.
I wish you the best.

LuvRLabs2, I'm in the same boat. It's been 9 months now. Still feel torn at times, but my 94 yr old mom is in the right place. Safety is my utmost goal and I was burned out. I am now getting ready go move her from NH to Memory Care which she needs. After all the falls and other concerns I know I made the right decision. I am getting my life back slowly and can be a daughter again instead of the all around caregiver with no help. The guilt still creeps in. Then I remind myself what it was like finding her on the floor and constantly calling 911 for help. Now she has a staff that adores her and has her under a constant watchful eye 24/7. I have a peace of mind knowing her safety is assured and instant help is constantly there. I can get a good nights sleep with no constant interruptions. It just takes time and slowly you'll be able to push the guilt away and just be able to visit without the stress of being the sole caregiver. Good luck to you and your LO.

Don't feel guilty. At my mom's request, I helped her move into an assisted living facility. We gave it a month. She didn't like it. So, I moved her back in here with me. But some people there thought it was the best thing ever. It did give me time to make her bathroom more accessible. It has to be right for both people. You and your loved one. It's not simple. I opted for what I wouldn't regret later. Within our family...my three brothers and sisters would have moved her to one...I would rather keep her here. But both are great choices. You have to live too. It can also be a very long commitment to have them home. Could be a decade. Good luck.

You poor thing. The fact that you are so worried about this shows that you have a loving heart. You can not be there for your loved one if you are exhausted both physically and mentally. Your loved one may not understand now but what you did was in the best interest of BOTH of you. I fought the decision to do the same with my mom but once I did it, my relationship with her got better and better because I was not so tired and run down. Trust me...the quality of life now that you have made this decision, will be better for both of you. This decision you made will give him some independence and the care that he needs and will give you your life back. You are NOT being selfish in doing this. You will be more help to him both physically and emotionally when you are at your best. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself.