I placed my LO in assisted living 10 days ago. I was getting sick and run down caregiving and felt "I can't do it anymore." He is having a very hard adjustment period and I am feeling guilty causing this. I really felt this was right but now I keep wondering if it was and should I buck up and take him back home?

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This is a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching decision to make about a loved one. The fact that you made the decision in spite of the pain it causes you tells me you did the right thing.

Guilt seems to be the background reality for caregivers. No matter how hard we try, we are never going to be able to fix our loved one, and somehow we think we should be able to. This sense of guilt is irrational and unearned, but it is extremely common. If you can't overcome it completely, at least push it way to the back of your mind, and don't let it influence your decisions.

Ten days is way too soon for anyone to settle into a new environment. And dementia can make it harder. Hang in there!
Helpful Answer (25)

Yes of course you made the right decision, Because if you went down, you both would have gone down, and this way, you can now turn your attention back to Loving family member, and not single handed caregiver! 

I'm sure that you will still be doing Plenty of caregiving, just in a different way. Now hopefully, you will have some time to enjoy him, and to spend quality time with him, when you are not Always Burnt Out!

After he becomes acclimated, hopefully you will be able to take him our for a few hours here and there, but I'm sure you will still be doing plenty of running around for him, and it will still feel like work for a few months.

Do not bring him back home, it would be a big mistake! Your LO's needs are only going to become greater, remember that!

Good Luck, it's time for some ME TIME! ENJOY IT!
Helpful Answer (19)

You made the right choice. You were pushed to the wall.

10 days is nothing in the scheme of things. It's just so very fresh to both of you. Adjustments will be made, it's kind of how it works though it's so very difficult. It's no fun at all and I endured 7 years of it with my mom.

I can't say it will get better. Manageable would be my word as far as my mother's experience. She wouldn't participate in any activities so she was always pretty negative.

Your words "that you feel guilty causing this" struck me. YOU did NOT cause this situation. The disease did this to your loved one. The blame lies with the disease and its' awful affects, not you at all.

I realize you were describing the change in living situation, but that is what it is, living. You deserve to live without horrible, unmanageable stress that makes you ill too.

Prayers for more peaceful days in the future for you and your LO.
Helpful Answer (18)

You probably made the best decision. It will take him a while to adjust and you will feel very guilty. That is normal. If you had reached that point, then you needed to do something. Give him and yourself some time to get used to things. Good thoughts coming your way.
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Thank you everyone for your comments. I will save them and read them often. Yes this is so hard but your comments showed me the sense of my decision and I know it but just want to end this adjustment. Patience is not my forte, can you tell. I will continue and remember your advice. Thank you again, so glad to have others out there helping others. I hope in time to do the same to others.
Helpful Answer (15)

My therapist says when you see one dementia case, you see one dementia case. Meaning, every case is different. Your case is unique to your own situation. My case is similar to yours, but not the same. I am going through what you are going through, so I know exactly how guilty you feel and how much anguish you have now for placing your loved one in an AL. Face it, AL with memory care is just a fancy name for a confined institution. How would ANY of us like to be placed in a home where you live with a bunch of strangers and you cannot get out? It would drive me insane.

My husband has been in the AL for 6 weeks now and he is still not adjusting well. I have been seeking therapy for that much time to cope with my guilt and sadness, and I am not progressing well either. The AL is also making errors, so that adds another layer of grief to my plate. I am seeking an alternative care option and I am moving towards home care with adult day care during the day while I am at work and night health aide so that I can sleep to go to work the next day. Interestingly, the cost is less expensive than at the AL.

I don't have sage advice for you, except that you should take this opportunity to explore other care options. Remember that there is no perfect solution. Choose the one that works best for you under the circumstances and give it a shot. If it does not work, then try another option. If you don't try, you may look back later and regret it.

Feel free to share any tips you have with us. We are here to learn too.
Helpful Answer (12)

Stay strong and see this through. You will both be better off in the long run.
Helpful Answer (11)

You made the best decision for both of you. Do not second guess yourself. Remember that it's important for him to be around people his own age. Now it's time for you to focus on yourself and get your health back.
Helpful Answer (10)

I too am in this situation. My mom was placed in AL in August and it's still hard. She's very cooperative with the staff and is helpful to the other residents, but if I call, I can expect to be dragged over hot coals, stabbed with several verbal knives, and made to feel lower than a snake's belly because she's there and has no freedom and we (my siblings and I) were bad to put her there and the list continues. It's small (6women residents), clean, and the staff is wonderful. Lots of one on one attention. I still feel guilty. She lived with us for 6 weeks and I wasn't sure I'd survive. The stress was so overwhelming, the verbal abuse and threats were more than my husband and I could take. It is (and was) the right decision to make right. It's a hard decision, but for her sake and ours, it had to be done. If she has to be nasty, I'd rather she be nasty to me than to the staff. The staff love her! Hang in there. I'd say it gets easier, but I'm not sure if it does. You do get more accepting of it though. Prayers for you.
Helpful Answer (8)

What other options did you have? Everyone has adjustment periods. As long as it is nice and clean and you go visit often. That is the Key when you have a loved one anywhere. GO OFTEN. Make sure you get to know the staff since they are caring for your loved one. If your loved one is your spouse and not your mother or father then this is something you should of discussed. If it is your parents and you have sisters and or brothers did they discuss the decision. Any which way if it continues and he or she does not like or adjust, believe me the location will bring it to your attention. Many of these places only want people who are docile. If they cause any problems there seems to be zero tolerance. Just my opinion.
Helpful Answer (6)

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