My parents are both in poor health - my father is in remission from leukaemia though is currently in the ICU for the 5th time in as many months with a lung infection, and my mom has depression and a slow growing blood cancer. I'm 32 and have one sibling who does not help in any way with their care. We don't really have any other family to speak of.
Initially I was living abroad and moved home in 2010 when my father had his first bout of cancer. At that time both my parents were in their mid 60s and were fit and active. After the initial diagnosis he had ups and downs with his health, so I got a job nearby and lived with them until late last year. The more well they seemed to be I guess the more tired we became of each other (!!), and the time seemed right for me to leave again and resume my life abroad. I got a fantastic job, we said our goodbyes, they told me not to worry about them etc.
A week later I got the call that my dad was in ICU and it was 'touch and go' and that I needed to come home as it didn't look like he would pull through. My job were great and gave me some time off, and we've been on an emotional rollercoaster since then. Thankfully my dad has regained consciousness and is doing well, for now. My mum has taken his latest illness incredibly hard and emotionally she is not coping. My sibling is nowhere to be seen.
The time has come where my job really needs an answer from me as to whether I'm coming back or not. I am so very torn, and when I think about quitting the resentment builds. It's not my parents' fault, and to be honest when I think about leaving them it upsets me. But I do also worry about staying. No-one can say how long my dad has and in what condition he'll be if he's discharged from hospital. My mum has spent a great deal of time caring for him too and I don't know if she'll cope if this happens again. Her depression adds a terrible dimension to everything she goes through and really does drag me down too, much as I try not to let it.
I love my parents, and I care for them because I think if I were in the same situation I'd hope someone would do it for me. They're not especially high dependency yet, and the care I provide is mainly trying to help them cope with daily things like shuttling them from hospital appointments, getting groceries, household chores etc. but with time I imagine their needs will increase.
I have no friends here as I left this town quite young, and I worry how I would cope if I lost them both and found myself here with no support system. I feel like if I don't go back to 'my life' now I never will, but the other half of me is racked with guilt for even feeling that way. I know there is no easy answer, but is there anything that can help me find my way to a decision?
My mom used to commute and give care for my grandmother in her (GMs) home and my great-grandmother in a facility - she was too immobile, cranky, and impaired after a stroke to be managed at home. GM was depressed but could physically manage in a wheelchair after she lost her legs. Both were mostly sad times but there were some good visits too. But, the relationships had not really been close and it was more out of duty on my mom's part.
My other issue besides not moving my family was having to be the one to work and support the family - hubby took early retirement, with relatively few years of paying into SSI, and a business failure...and we would not have managed on his 700 a month, nor did he think he could physically provide the care even with lift equipment, etc. Mom was pretty total care including bathing and bathroom; she could feed herself with set up and put on her wig with help and that was it.
There would never have been enough time to say all we needed to say, but these weeks helped immensely. Where we go from here I don't know, except that it's going to be one day at a time.
I learned since I was very young that families should be together no matter what, in illness and in health because my mom did it with her mom, although she had the help of her brothers, but that was how I was raised. I love my mom, I wish I could do different but I can´t. I put myself in my mom´s shoes and I would not like if my children thought I was a problem and had to be sent away to a nursing home.
But everyone has different ways of thinking and I respect them.
Also a lot depends on the grown child's age and health. If you look at continuing care facilities, majority of the workers are quite young. There is a good reason for that. Plus the workers get to go home, enjoy their family, and get a good night sleep to awake fresh in the morning.
There are a lot of wonderful retirement and continuing care facilities. Let the parent enjoy being around people of their own age group. That way the grown children could be spending quality time with the parent, instead of being too exhausted to enjoy being around them.
One time I asked my parents that when the time came that they needed a Caregiver and an agency sent over a person who doesn't know CPR, doesn't know how to read blood pressure, doesn't know how to listen to one's heart, who dislikes cooking, is scared silly when driving, and is pushing 70 years old, would you accept this person as your Caregiver.... my parents said of course not.... well, that person would have been me. Oh.
There are always options. I realize some had promised their parent(s) that they could come to live with them, but the promise was made when the parent was healthy, still working, and driving. We never think of our parents getting old, I know I never did. Even though I am not under the same roof as my parents, there are days I feel that my parents might outlive me, the stress has cause several serious health issues.
Your sibling situation sounds like my niece situation. My Sis left behind a grown daughter, she never cared for my Sis in life, but oh, to hear her tell my folks how hard it is without her now. I think they call it emotional blackmail? (When Sis's husband left her 20 years back the girl went with the Dad, ...follow the $.) Didn't have much contact with her or my folks other than when she wanted money, cars, presents. She's had a couple babies, different fathers, doesn't work, current baby's father doesn't work much either. They are all over my folks, asking for cars, bills to be paid. They dangle the babies in front of them, tell them how much they look like my Sister, (not), ...Uggghh.
The only thing that keeps me sane is keeping my mouth shut. A friend back home told me not to let her ruin my folks's ability to enjoy a good relationship with me, and not to let her take away my ability to have a good relationship with my folks, either. It's been such a valuable piece of advise it deserves to be shared. :-) I will always be disgusted by her, she will always be a leach, and my folks will always be swayed by their concern for their Great Grandchildren. So only thing to do to keep her from damaging other people's relationships, ...is don't let her. :-)
So glad you Dad is feeling better today!
If at all possible try to continue your career in your parent's home town, otherwise what will you have to live on when it comes time for you to retire?
I do need to point out that my parents never asked me to stay here and watch out for them, it's a sort of internal compulsion I have if that makes sense? My mum did ask me to come back this time because it looked like my father was on his deathbed and she knew I would want to be here. Outside of that I guess they enjoy the perks of me being around (being shuttled to doctor's appointments etc.) but they don't force or guilt me into anything and they never have.
My job has been great in not forcing me to go back to work my notice and offering to pay me all the same. I don't know that I made the right decision - I don't think I'd have been 100% happy with either course of action. My mum is quite upset by my choice but understands why I did it, and my dad isn't fully with it just now so it probably hasn't occurred to him that I seem to be around a lot for someone who lives in another country!
Regarding my sibling, I've tried that conversation many many times. She drags my parents into it and it becomes upsetting for them. Her usual response is that she took care of them when I lived away, you know, when they were in their 50s, fit & healthy and she saw them once a week when she wanted a home cooked dinner. We don't get along at the best of times (in case you couldn't tell!)
I've invested a lot of time and money in my education and career so hope to find something closer to home soon. My dad's doing great by the way, even cracked a smile today.
Then my only Sis called and told me she had cancer. I sold my house and moved home to be there with her. She was "supposed to" have 3-5 years. I wanted to reconnect. I thought maybe she'd even have longer than that if we could get it into remission. The phone call I got was in April. I moved into my new house in late July. My Sis died September 5th. I had 6 weeks with her. My being there was bittersweet for both of us, here we finally had the time for each other, access to each other again, but under such a dark cloud. I lived 5 minutes from her, was able to go get her medicine, groceries, be there at a moments notice, pick her up when she fell, help her out of chair and such, get her drinks as she got weaker. She was soooo appreciative when I'd sit on her bed and bring her a fresh drink with a little straw in it, wipe her face with a cold cloth, chatter about something funny. Sometimes her words were garbled and she couldn't talk back, but she'd always grin at me ear to ear. I held her hand while she passed, pretty peacefully, I think she knew I was there even though she'd not be conscious for a while.
Here I sit in a strange state now, I don't really like the house we had to buy in a hurry, can't just build another business from scratch, there isn't much for other work here. All my friends are miles away, I don't know who any of the good service people are, ...but it was all worth it.
I do have my Mom in the area, Stepdad of 35 years as well. Oddly DH has adjusted better than I, he found a good job he's happy at even though it's a 70 mile a day round trip. I've been helping my 70 year old Mom with multiple health issues and tasks as the need arrises, but I miss my old life. Nothing to do but dust one's self off and re invent I guess. I hope you do OK.
Why haven't your parents made a plan for themselves? They are not elderly, they are relatively on the young side of senior status. Let them try to figure this out the best they can.
Maybe you can arrange extra time off without pay to visit without jeopardizing your job status?
And, finally let the other sibling step up to the plate. Unfortunately, many siblings let another sibling do the entire task unless their hand is forced.
Don't feel guilty. This is your life. I moved in with my parents, sold my house and left the area I liked to help them but I was 60. The upside was that I was actually closer to my job so it took some stress off me. The downside was that living with them turned out impossible.
Hugs. I know you want to do what is "proper" in your mind and heart but I'm sure your parents don't want you sacrificing yourself for them.
Bottom line question: what would they do if you weren't around--and I mean like gone, dead, abducted by aliens gone. They would have to cope and find a way, right?
So I made my decision and resigned from my job today. I am sad about it because it is sad. In the end I tried to separate the issue of my sibling (because that's never gonna change) from how I would feel about being home with my parents or not home with them when the time comes. I would hate to sit here in however long lamenting that I should have been at home with them but wasn't because it wasn't 'fair' and my sister lived closer....
So I'm sad, but hopefully not for long. There will be other jobs I'm sure, and my dad is making some progress. Things could be so much worse.
A huge thank you to all of you for your experiences, kind words and insights. Much love.
My dad has made his latest miraculous recovery and is in good spirits - he had sepsis this time but his organs seem to have recovered and his medical team are delighted with his progress. He suffers with bronchiectasis, COPD and has had fungal pneumonia a number of times in the last 12 months. In my heart of hearts I feel that he hasn't got long left.
My initial post was spurred on by all relatives assuming I'm going to come home, and all my friends telligng me to. I know you can't make siblings care (and I've read many of the tough experiences people have shared on here) but rage I feel toward my sibling makes me feel sick. She lives a 20 minute drive from my parents, doesn't work (neither does her husband though they do care for their child) yet she doesn't visit from on end of the week to the next, unless she wants something (usually a home cooked meal from my mum). Yet when I'm home she magically appears constantly, as if to dispel the opinion she knows I have of her.
I feel like I want to stay, but seeing my mum bend over backwards when my sister demands, and become so upset that my sister doesn't pay them any attention, would make me go stir crazy.
In the end, shortly after Mom passed, one of our journals had an ad for a very good job in my field up in Pittsburgh PA. Which made me totally question my whole decision.
So, its a tough, tough. tough call. Find out as much as you can and make the best call you can. There will be good and bad things on both sides. I would say don't go if the resentment that sister would not do what you thought needed done wil eat you alive. Think about what really needs done - it sounds like your mom has a lot of strengths - and if a long distance caregiver situation sound like you can offer a lot of support that way, affording the travel every so often both planned and occasionally unplanned, maybe its right. If being close to mom and dad and sister and niece will be a great joy as well as a responibility, and you can find something realted enough to your field to stay in it and return to it fully in the long run, maybe its better to go. Bless you as you try to decide, and may the best possible solutions open themselves up to you as you find your way.