We're retiring to Arizona. Mom doesn't want to go, she lives in an apartment by herself. Should we stay for her? - AgingCare.com

We're retiring to Arizona. Mom doesn't want to go, she lives in an apartment by herself. Should we stay for her?


I don't think it's fair. My husband always looked forward to moving to Arizona when he retired. We bought a place, planning on her coming with us. My mother-in-law is 85 and refuses to go with us. Do we just leave her? My husband feels very guilty.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.


Don't put your life on hold for your MIL. She is competent to make her own decisions (to stay). You are competent adults and can make your own decisions (to move). Neither one of you need to give up your lives for the other. Stay in touch, be flexible, and find ways to make it work as MIL needs more care (assisted living, etc), Thanks!
Helpful Answer (1)

Windyridge, lond distance, is that like blonde distance? Gotcha!
I still like you!
Helpful Answer (0)

One main question, does your Mom-in-law care if her son and you move out of State? If she doesn't care and prefers to remain in a community she has known for many years, where her friends are located, her faithful doctors, and her hairdresser, then let her stay.

If Mom-in-law is living in a retirement community and in fairly good health for her age [your profile doesn't say], then don't worry about it. Many grown children are logistic caregivers, thus are not hands-on personal care. Those grown children make arrangements for caregivers to come in when the time comes, and if Mom-in-law will open the front door for them.

Yes, you and your hubby will worry about Mom, but you would worry if you stilled lived in the same town.
Helpful Answer (0)

Girl, take the kitchen sink with you. ... Let MIL know she's more than welcome to visit; and stay.

It's your retirement. Enjoy it.
Helpful Answer (2)

You don't say what your MIL's impairments are. I would arrange for her care and carry out your own retirement plans. If your MIL can live independently for several more years with you being in touch from afar, that's great. I would follow all of Jeanne's suggestions.

Once you get settled, start researching facilities (Independent Living, Assisted Living, Nursing Homes, Memory Care, Continuing Care facilities. At some point in the future, MIL may need one of these and it will be good to have done the research in advance. Let's say she falls and breaks a hip back home. She has surgery and does some rehab where she lives, and then is transported to a facility near you.
Helpful Answer (3)

Oh Boy, what a guilt trip! That's tough. My first impulse is to advise you to go and enjoy your retirement. Mil can be well care for long distance. I've been lond distance caring for my folks but I moved away 30 years ago. If you stay you'll live to regret it and have a lot of resentment for the mil. Bring mom out for a " visit" once you get settled. Who knows, she might just settle in to a new place near you.
Helpful Answer (4)

Life isn't fair.

Yes, you should go.

No, you shouldn't just leave her. Make arrangements to keep in touch with her. Does she have disabilities, chronic conditions, other issues of concern? If so, touch bases with the professionals who monitor her care. If she hasn't signed a HIPAA waiver they may not be able to talk about her to you, but they can listen and should be aware of this change. And if at all possible convince Mom to sign a waiver at each place she gets medical care so you can have conversations there is something arises.

Make sure that her good friends, her church group, her bridge club, her motorcycle club -- any people she interacts with regularly -- know that you are leaving, that she chooses to stay where she is, but you still care very much about her welfare and would welcome a call or email if anything concerns them about your MIL.

Call her frequently. Don't pester her about moving. Just check how she is and tell her about your new life -- the good, the bad, and the beautiful!

After you are settled in, and not in the peak heat of the summer, invite her to spend a couple of weeks with you. Escape the worst of the heat yourselves by going back to visit her and your other friends back home occasionally.

It is harder to care for someone from a distance, but if she is able to live independently, then that is what must happen in your case.
Helpful Answer (3)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.