Retirement home says father is not a good fit and he (they) would be happier if he left. He is putting increasing stress on staff. Advice?

Prepare to move him. If he becomes agitated often, he will eventually be kicked out. The facility will not be so friendly if it comes to that.

My mom was kicked out, she was a danger to herself and others. She was moved from MC to a much smaller care home, ten residents instead of 25, more individualized care, better care and it was cheaper.

Three months - and did he seem to settle in at any point, or has he not been able to adjust at all?

How long has father been resident in this retirement home, please?

Yes, get an order for a test for an UTI.

Do you want to share what medication? Even though we cannot diagnose or prescribe, many caregivers are aware that some meds can cause the opposite behaviors than the desired help needed to calm your Dad down. If that would be helpful to you.

Trust that there is a definite unmet need in your loved one, and it is stressful that he is suffering. And that you are suffering too.

When my neighbor went through this, he even called us all through the night! We could not take his calls, and turned off the phone. Turns out, after calling his doctor's office for help, and the doctor refused to test for an UTI (his staff knew nothing of the elderly symptoms of having a bladder infection, going only by their 'protocol'), this man did have a UTI.
How then did we find out? He was transported to the E.R. and tested. He had a UTI, and the behavior stopped soon after treatment. Be sure that it is not just a dipstick but a complete urinalysis with culture and sensitivity.

An elderly with a UTI can quickly deteriorate into sepsis and die.
The hallmark presenting symptom is behaviors! No fever, no burning on urinating, or the usual symptoms.

I would not be surprised that if someday the medical profession adds this to their list of UTI symptoms in the elderly: The patient is driving everyone else c r a z y!

When my MIL was first transitioned into AL she had short-term memory issues (and was probably a little lost and lonely) and she'd go through her phone book and just call people...and call and call and call. I had to take away her phone book. She'd call me and then not even remember why she'd called. I work full time and she was calling me way too often. I let her calls go to voicemail. I felt terrible about it at first but then came to peace with it. You could do this, or (if he's calling 911 and probably people you're not even aware of) I would think about removing his phone, at least temporarily. He's not making productive calls. Removing the phone might "extinguish" this behavior. I have no doubt this will feel very hard but you can always put the phone back. I hope you can find a solution that brings peace to all!

Was he given a professional assessment to see what level of care he needs? You say he's in a retirement home....does he need Memory Care? The place where he is may not be equipped. Can you help get him somewhere that can manage his care? MC is better equipped to manage the care of those who have substantial dementia. His doctor may need to sign for this type of care, if he qualifies.

With this much agitation, he may need to have his medication adjusted. This is done a lot by doctors who regularly treat dementia patients. Or a geriatric psychiatrist. Hopefully, they can find something that helps, but, I'd also keep in mind that sometimes, people who suffer with dementia are not content and they may stay that way until they enter another stage of the illness. I'd consider that he may not be repeatedly calling you due to insistence, but, due to the fact that he is forgetting. He forgets that he's already called you 10 times, so, he does it again.

I'd keep in mind that even if you bring him home, he may continue to insist on going home. He may try to leave his own home and behave in ways that make it just as intolerable there as the retirement home. His understanding is not likely to change and you may be no more able to appease him than the staff where he is. Plus, he'll need 24/7 supervision and that's not easy to do if he is resistant to care in his own home.

Agreeing with others:  Don't take him back to his house or anyone's.

His Dr. may be worried of increasing his fall risk if he increases anxiety meds.  Ask the Dr. what else he knows of that can be done to help him so he's more comfortable and not causing trouble for the workers, staff, others (you!). 

Ask the retirement home people in charge and workers for their professional opinions how to help him because you like it and the people there, you'd like for him to stay there, and he has nowhere else to go.  You want to work with them as much as possible so he's not asked to leave, and it sounds like they're at the point already.  Hopefully, you can turn it around quickly.  With this corona, all are on their last nerve.

Don't take all his calls; limit those to maybe 3/day.  Try redirecting him to eat, nap, watch tv.  Tell him of a show on tv to watch. Talk about anything other than home, leaving; positive things.  If there are any activities that are still being done on a limited basis during corona, are there some that he might get involved in? (ask workers)  Would workers take him for a walk around the building, inside or out?  Take him his favorite things to eat..snacks, fruit, ice cream, drinks so he might get more comfortable.

You may need to get him a phone for the hearing impaired.  If you do, you might want to make sure it's for the visually impaired, too, and dementia (pictures on big buttons to press button & dial person).

I would get him checked for a UTI, if this is new behavior that could be the culprit.

When was his last needs assessment? His dementia could have advanced to the stage that AL is no longer the best care.

I would not take him home.

I would request a new needs assessment by someone besides the facility that wants him gone.

I would tell him that he has to stay right where he is until (fill in with whatever will get his attention).

It is so difficult when they are basically being held prisoner in their rooms right now. I would want to leave if my only space was a small apartment or room and nothing else. So be patient with that, it is understandable.

I would be angry at the facility for wanting to implement more change in his upside down world. With this lockdown they should have expected behavioral problems and been ready and able to cope. It is probably time to look for a better facility that actually has the ability to take care of their residents. This place obviously just wants to be an expensive warehouse.

With his health issues it is incredibly unlikely you can manage him at home, he would need 24/7 care. They all want to "go home" no matter how impossible it is; so best not even engage him in that discussion. The home he wishes to return to, where he is healthy and free to do as he pleases no longer exists, so there's no going back to it. Stop answering every time he calls you. It does neither of you any good. Might want to even take the phone away for him, especially if he keeps calling the police.