My Mother (84) is a hoarder and has lived with me for 10 years. Any advice?

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She pays all the bills, I am disabled. She is emotionally abusive towards me. She has no other place to go. Now, she has hoarded into my bedroom, and controls my t.v. She has a violent nature, verbally abusive and threatening. She has been forgetting and getting worse since July. My sister and I took her to her Dr. we thought she had a stroke. Her CT scan showed no abnormalities. I forgot to mention that I am 54 years old, and a grandmother of 2. My children cannot even bring the boys out because it is so filthy. My mother will not let me cook, clean, and I can only use a designated place in the refrigerator. I know all this sounds bizzare...When I was working, I purchased this mobile home, and paid all the bills, taxes, insurance etc.. Now that mama has lived here for almost 10 years, she has taken over the bills, the taxes etc. She says that if she pays for everything she can do what she wants, and I can go live under a bridge!!! I recently got my total knee replacement, and it was a disaster here recovering. She complained about the nurses from home health, and every aspect of my knee rehabilitation. It is maddening. She is a very bad diabetic. My sister and I have had to care for her (do the shopping, get medicine, Dr. appointments, etc for the last 10 years. Nothing is ever "right" or "good enough". This was my home, and now I am confined to my bedroom, can only use one lamp, and am constantly belittled and humiliated being called stupid and stubborn. I have moved out of my own mobile home 3 times in the last 10 years. I don't know what to do or how to cope anymore. She micro manages every move I make. If I am in the restroom too long, she asks me "what's wrong"!! I can't even crochet in the evening in my room. She sleeps in my recliner. Mind you this is a 3 bedroom mobile home. I am totally baffled, please can someone help me or advise me on what to do, how to deal with this situation? I am thinking of moving again, I'm getting too old to do this, and it has mentally wore me down. I feel like I owe it to my mother to provide her a place. She has always helped me over the years. In fact, she says I "owe" it to her to let her live here and do what she wants. After all she's an old woman. Please HELP someone. Adult protective services? No....I'm too afraid of her to do that. I cannot afford to pay my mortgage now. Now I have no life, and no where to go. I do plan on getting a part-time job as soon as I get the other knee done. I don't know how to react or carry on anymore. Thank you,

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Hi everyone, my internet has been off for 2 days now...I am on disability income. Just wanted to make that clear. Spinal fusion 10 years ago went wrong. So I am capable of working a part time job. Just wanted to clear that up. Yes I had my knee replaced in October. Well my plan is to save up and move out. Thanks for all the support. I have provided her a place to live the last 10 years. I think my best and least cruel alternative is to move out, and let my mother live out her life as she wishes. Yes I finally agree, I need to focus on myself for a change. God bless each of you. I am on my sisters computer, so I'll check back in a few days....
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Pam, she's been providing care and has bad knees - disability income is all she's got for the moment, and that does not go far. Mom is the hoarder, not the provider in any other sense, and paying bills got her more care and more control.
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Wait a minute, if you are totally disabled and she is paying all the bills, it sounds more like she is the caregiver. I'm sorry for your loss of independence, but try to accept the way things are. You could move to a group home; ask your caseworker.
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You don't owe your mother anything after the way she has treated you. I do agree with Sendme2help that your mother has made the mobile home worthless to you with her hoarding. Because it's so cluttered and you cannot clean it it's likely infested with something. The amount of time and energy it would take you to throw away her junk and clean is probably better spent on yourself. Your mother is a lost cause and she will make you miserable for the rest of her life if you let her. She is mentally ill and probably incapable of being happy.

Some questions to ponder as we approach a new year:
Do you really need a three room trailer?
Can you use this opportunity to downsize and simplify?

You say you crochet. Are you familiar with Etsy where you could sell your handmade crochets?

Stop worrying about your mother's life and focus on yourself. Save up whatever money you can and rent a room somewhere safe and clean until you figure out what it is that you owe yourself. Happiness is a choice. I wish you wisdom as you change your perspective and embark on a new adventure.
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Thank you all so much for the great advice, and a new light is shining on me now! I want to wish each of you a Merry Christmas! I will implement this advice. You don't know, or you probably do...how much it means just to have someone to vent to. Hugs to all. I'm so relieved to know I'm not alone in this situation.
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Yes, I am glad you wrote, and that we can confirm your suspicions that something is not right! Funny how a parent, when they use that mean voice to lambaste you in no uncertain terms, can convince you that black is white and the sky is green. Hoarding is a mental illness, bad diabetes is bad for the brain, and her CT might not show much other than atrophy that they would consider WNL for age, but an MRI possibly would. There might not be discrete large strokes, but multiple tiny ones, or even just bad microcirculation as diabetes casues all over the body. That's almost besides the point, she needs a more functional evaluation. You may be on disability from bad knees, but your brain works. Your mom may have the money, but she does not have the cognitive wherewithal to manage her home or her relationships in any reasonable way; she shouldn't and at this point can't be allowed to run the whole show anymore. You can let her live there, and maybe you do have a obligation to make sure she has food, housing, and medical care, whatever she will accept, but NO ONE, at ANY age, should expect to be able to do "whatever they want" without regard for reality or the needs of other people. If she used to have regard and concern for you, and used to keep a decent house rather than hoard, she probably has more advanced vascular or some other non-Alzheimer's dementia than anyone has appreciated. It is a tough transition, but you and Sis are now the functioning adults and need to gently but firmly take over.

Well, Merry Christmas, in the best theological sense anyways - we celebrate the entry of light into the world, even though in the back of our minds we know there is a long way to go, and many struggles ahead before the ultimate triumph!
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Look into a supportive housing situation for yourself, then move.
Offer to transfer the title to Mom or sister for a price. You have moved before, you can do this. The mobilehome has little value if hoarded, so transfer title to sister so that the assest won't count against your disability. She can deal with it and your mom.
Your sanity is worth more than the home in it's present condition and with it's current resident.
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This is a really bad place to be in because you are already feeling beaten down by your Mum. But tough love is the order of the day. Let me put it this way - if you change nothing, then nothing changes.
You will be feeling overwhelmed at the moment so don't worry about that feeling - that is normal as is being tearful upset and all the other feelings you have.
So in the evening instead of crocheting (or not as it stands right now) get on your pc open up a list or whatever it is you have on your pc and start writing what you want to change.

This about this scenario. You are working as a secretary for a new boss and she comes in one day and says book me a holiday.

She doesn't say where, when, the type of holiday, how many are going, where she lives, her likes and dislikes, how she wants to travel. Can you do that? NO YOU CANT

Its the same with change - you have to know where you want to be to begin the process.

If your goal is to be alone in the mobile home (bearing in mind that your Mum won't stop hoarding and the violence and abuse won't stop either in all probability) then that is your goal. If you want her to change so she can stay that is a different (and to my thinking a far more challenging) goal.

So you have your goal in place that goes in big capitals at the top of your list because everything that follow has to be geared towards achieving that goal.

There will be things you cannot change and you have to accept those
There will be things you don't want to change - but have to and you will need to have the courage to take that leap of faith too

First and foremost regardless of her response - next time your Mum kicks off, tell her that her behaviour and attitude towards you is not acceptable and walk away - don't engage doesn't matter what she says don't engage.

Then secondly make sure you keep your room neat and tidy and clean and if she brings things into your room put them in the trash

Then work out your finances and what you need to do to be self sufficient - plan plan and then plan some more - before long you will be able to see the path and there will be a glimmer of light in that dark place you are now in.

Good luck and we are here any time you need support oh and Merry Christmas xxxxx
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Glad, I believe it's the land that's in sister's name; mobile home is property of the OP, at least the way I read it.
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If the mobile home is in sister's name, she and her hubby would have to start the eviction process. Would they be willing to do that for you?
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