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My boyfriend's dad has a very short life expectancy, 3 doctors have suggested he go on hospice. His wife doesn't want that because it will take attention away from her also her behavior is making the doctor evaluate her compentcy . The rest of the family is in denial about how serious his condition is and honestly he made mistakes in the past and they treat him horrible. The only person he really talks to is me. The social worker suggested he get a durable power of attorney. He agreed with her and wants me to be it. What actually would be my responsibilities? And would I be able then to get him the help he needs.

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Don't ask. You have to *tell* the social worker that you are done and that the dad needs to be a Ward of the state. And the same for the mother. This is not something anybody can tell you "no" and make you continue on doing. Social services will step in and handle it with the court. You are not related to them and you have zero obligation here. It was a mistake to be on the waiver for the mother in some kind of supervisory role.

And then run as fast as far as you can. Move! Flee!
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It's the brother who calls him pos. I am on his hippa form. The reason I have to be around 24/7 is base the mother is on waiver and she requires 24 hour care. Therefore according to waiver I have to be with her whenever an aide can't and she refuses more help. He does not financially qualify for waiver which is why he can't get help. His liver and kidneys are failing and less than 25 percent of his heart is working so the doctors want him on hospice and his wife won't let them come. The social worker is back Monday so I'll ask if he can get a guardian
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And BTW, if you're getting information from his medical team, and if you don't have HIPAA authority from the father, his medical team is in violation of that law.

And why would the BF be anyone for whom you could care if he insults his father be "telling him he's a pos"? Is this someone with whom you would want any kind of long term relationship?
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I don't mean to be insulting, but why in the world are you doing this for someone who's not family? What are your plans after he passes? By then the family will be against you, and for what?

GF, you're being USED..

Honestly, I feel that you're going to do this one way or the other regardless of all our advice, so I can only hope that the situation doesn't become as bad as I suspect it will be, for your sake.
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Scratch the POA. He needs the court to appoint a guardian/conservator service to watch over him.

You are about to inherit decades of manure to deal with.
I promise that when this man passes, those other people will be around the table with their hands out, ready to throw you to the curb.

Tell the social worker there is no one who can step up in the family, and that this needs to go to a judge to appoint a professional. There are people and agencies out there who do this full time, so it does NOT have to be YOU.

You need to focus on your own life, education, career, dreams, wellness, and aspirations. It will be all to easy to volunteer to do this out of kindness and still be dealing with it many years from now, having lost not only time but opportunity. For nothing.
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Right now I already make all his financial and medical decisions. I make every meal and take care of him 24/7. His kids could not talk to his doctors if they wanted too. Boyfriend will not take responsibility because he cheated on his mom 15 years ago, his sister lives in Germany so she's out and his brother tells him he's a pos and wants nothing to do with him and could care less if he dies. The doctors and social workers all know this and are encouraging him to have someone he trusts which is not his family.
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You are just the girlfriend. Sorry. Don't go there!!!! You do not need that headache and drama.
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Lacy, I checked another of your posts, an answer in response to Bluefish's "Helping Out Financially" post at:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/helping-out-financially-180611.htm?cpage=4

Just for ease of anyone else and in reference to not becoming involved, I'm copying it here so others won't have to flip back and forth on different screens:

"Bluefish, your husband is like my boyfriend being manipulated by his mother. We fought over money and her actions everday. I got fed up haven't talked to her in 3 weeks. She's crying and manipulating more but now he's starting to get fed up with her behavior. He's being really nice to me and standing up to her now."

Think of what Maggie wrote and Windy supported, and of your own assessment:

The mother is manipulative; BF is caught in that web, you fight daily, get fed up, don't speak, but BF is BEGINNING to stand up to her.

This isn't just a hornet's nest - it's a giant hornet's nest with some Africanized bees as well.

Do NOT get involved. The father may have confidence in you, but you'd be put in the middle of a volatile situation, and you're not even married yet.

This is a family with issues and dynamics that are not healthy; if you're drawn into it, you can easily be the target for the mother's and possibly the BF's hostility.

I can't help wondering how much of these dynamics the father sees or doesn't see, and/or if he thinks that a nonfamily member might be able to accomplish what the family couldn't because of all their issues.

You wrote that the family treat him horribly; if you side with him, expect to be treated the same way. If the father becomes incompetent, he won't be able to legally change the DPOA and you're stuck. And you're not even a part of this family legally yet. Perhaps you never will be.


Sandwich, I recall reading that Wells Fargo is one of the nasty banks, in the category of BOA. I'm not surprised you're having trouble with them.
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I have to agree with Maggie. Get the BF up to speed on this. And BTW, you and BF should be aware, if a POA is not done while dad is cooperative and competent you may be facing legal guardianship down the road and that can be difficult.

Get the BF to man up and do this. If pops likes and talks to you then work as a team and get the thing done but yes, keep your name off of the document.

I have no living relatives to accuse or suspect me of dishonesty in my use of POA but as Maggie says it can be a hornets nest of family squabbling over peanuts in many cases.
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I can't tell how how strongly I feel about you becoming your Boyfriend's father's power of attorney. This is a maelstrom waiting to happen. You could find yourself flying in the face of his wife, his other children, and even your boyfriend.

If you say, "Oh, my boyfriend would never do that," then have boyfriend become POA and you and HE manage dad.

Do not be flattered by this. It is a hornet's nest. Frankly, it is simply not your place. Unless his entire family is psychopathic, there is someone related to him who would be more appropriate.
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Find the Secretary of State website for your state. Search there for power of attorney information.

Typically a durable POA combines certain powers for health decisions and financial decisions into one.

It is NOT the same as having custody of the person.

The POA can be structured in a way to only be in effect if the dad is incompetent by two doctor's assessments, or to go into effect immediately. It depends on how it gets filled out. Each state has their own form. In my state, it's a two pager. In my mom's home state, it's many pages long!

The dad will have to be present for it to be notarized. Then you file it with the city and county clerks (called Recording). Get yourself 3-5 officially certified copies of this. They will serve as originals should you need them. You can also scan it and have a soft copy to send out. Most places are ok with a copy.

Then you file it with his bank, his doctor, the insurance, the pharmacy, the hospital, and literally anywhere you would have to do business on his behalf.

DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT let the bank add you as a joint account holder on anything. On the surface it seems like this makes life easier, but any credit problems this man may already have or get will immediately become your credit problems. You don't want anybody coming after you to pay off his debts.

You can be added as an authorized signer, if Dad can talk to the bank and approve that.

I say this because I've been going around & around with Wells Fargo over my mom's accounts for years now.
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You should have a long talk with your boyfriend about this to make sure he wants to relinquish these rights to you and that you want to take on this responsibility.

Given dads condition POA is certainly in order. A POA gives a designated person or persons, the ability to make financial, care and medical decisions when the elder is no longer able to do so. They can be written very broadly to deal with numerous issues or written to address a couple issues.

I have a POA for my parents and I have been able to pay their bills using their checking account and I will be able to get them in care when they become mentally incompetent, and also see that their end of life instructions are followed.

I would advise using a local attorney who knows your state and local statutes. Don't use some generic form downloaded from the web.
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