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Although the person I care for is verbally abusive and has always been abusive, how do you respond? It gets difficult to smile and continue with your duty. Today she was berating me while I gave her a shower and I snapped. I asked her what gave her the right and that I have given up everything to care for her. She smiled and said I deserved to suffer. I could not walk away because she was in a shower chair. I took several deep breaths asked the Lord to give me strength and continued bathing her. Afterward I asked her why she is kind to my husband and son but, treated my daughter and myself like trash and she again told.me it was my job to do what I was told. What would you do and what can I say? I do not want to disrespect her although I am unsure why I care. I told her today that she would not have to tolerate me much longer because she was on a waiting list to move back into the nursing home and she told.me she had no money and that I couldn't do that. Yes, I realize some of this is age related and I do see early stages of.dementia and yes I know she has mental issues. How and what do you recommend, I appreciate your advice because you understand. Thank you in advance.

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Very similiar. Hopwever, my dad is the one with dementia so I am helping Mom with his care in their home. He often thinks to thank me for doing something or to talk pleasanty, although he does yell at times when he's tired of people telling him what to do. But my mom complains about how much my dad eats (as before his dementia) , rarely thanks us kids for anything we do for them. We've started a family meeting process with an Alzheimers Assoc. socail worker as moderator. During the initial information gathering session, Mom told the SW that us kids don't work hard like she does. We're on the constant move while we are at their home! She reduced the home care person to a ridiculous 4hrs. a day, twice a week, which I allowed, hoping to show her how much help is needed. But she made her time for two hours AFTER Dad's 3 hour morning routine, which is nonstop, begins. She complains she doesn't do anything, but won't let her do mcuh to care for Dad or cook for them. She just wants her to clean and do laundry.This is a ploy to get rid of the person as both Mom and brother have stated "She'll be gone soon". She complains that we HATE to come to their house to help (there are times, I wonder why?) and complaks about our cooking and cleaning. We feel sorry for Dad and come anyway to make sure he has some positivite time during the day and gets his meds and other needs properly. I would be willing to let our brother who is very much like her and is her favorite to do it all. He is even meaner to his sisters, hiding some of our things that are at parents house, blaming us if the old vaccuum no longer works ("we broke it") and having actual tantrums if we ask him something or if he doesn't like the PT who came etc. He does not speak to us, even to say Hello. Mom sticks up for him saying we're all different and having her own screaming if we dare speak up about his poor behavior. We're afraid if he takes over, he would make it miserable for us even visit our parents. More importantly, we don't trust that he is knowledgeable enougth to monitor our parents health situations - we do all doc appts. since he will only drive them, not go in and take notes, asks questions etc. He has yelled at and sworn at Dad and even Mom . We still want to visit and help Mom and Dad to spend time, monitor health etc. Brother would make this miserable. Eve Mom knows enough to keep our times there separate. Says O your brother is coming soon, time for you to go. I feel like I'm a hostage between my mother and brother.
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I was thinking that if she's living in your home, then I guess you're going to have to endure until you can get her into a nursing home. I also agree with the Medicaid idea, and the sooner you can get any paperwork done, the better.

If by chance she's living in her own residence, there are a couple of different things you can do:

1) you can get someone to help you tend to her very personal needs such as changing and showering.

2) if you're stuck alone in a situation, just get through the task and just leave as soon as you're done, (but only if she's living in her own home).

If she happens to be physically sick, is there any chance you could just drop her off at the local hospital and have them get a hold of a social worker and rush her into a nursing home? Hospitals are quick to find openings if the situation qualifies and elder abuse is possible. You said that you "snapped", which tells me that you really need to do something fast before elder abuse becomes reality. These kinds of cases that you're describing sometimes do lead to physical abuse at some point or another, and it all starts with "snapping." This is why you're going to need someone to intervene in order to save your sanity and prevent any possibility of physical abuse because all you have to do during one of those "snapping" times is to lash out physically, (which no one really wants to happen). We're all human with breaking points, this is normal. However, what you do at those times and what you can do to constructively prevent it is key to what will happen down the road. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. Those who are cut out for it, aren't necessarily cut out for everything because there are some people who aren't cut out to take on full responsibility, whereas others are. Let's say you can sacrifice everything in your life to render full-time care to someone else. However, your ability may not be someone else's ability because they may just be meant to be there for a season and for light duty work. In the case of my elderly friend, he actually needed round-the-clock care in the end, care that no one outside of a facility could give. He expected me to live with him, but it just didn't feel right, so I didn't fall for it. When he realized I wouldn't fall for it, he started finding clever ways to keep me over there more and more. When it got to the point where he didn't even want me to go home at night, I knew there was a problem. Another thing, I was not able to sleep on the innerspring hospital mattress when my body really needs a far more conforming mattress such as memory foam or Tempur-pedic, which was what I have at home, because this is what I need for certain physical reasons. I had to repeatedly reminded my friend that I don't live there and that I have a life at home. I also had to remind him that I can't sleep on the innerspring hospital mattress because it doesn't meet my needs, and that I would not be able to sleep that I can't sleep well on it. Being robbed of sleep actually robs us of our health, and I definitely didn't want to follow him downhill when it's very preventable.

When my friend started realizing that I actually had a better life than him, I guess that may have been his way of trying to take me away from it. That's why when someone here mentioned that another person wants to make sure that you don't have a better life than them, I guess I really never thought much of it before, so thanks for mentioning that and bringing it to my attention because I guess I never would've thought of that. I guess you could say that just because I can drive and he couldn't (due to blindness) I guess he wanted me to not enjoy it because he could no longer drive. I found that just not telling him when I planned to go on a day long trip that it was best just to ignore his calls and even turn the volume down. I always put his calls on low priority due to the situation. Sometimes I got in the mood to call him from my destination. When he had me come over, I got this satisfaction of telling him I wasn't even in town and probably wouldn't be for a while and I'd probably be late getting home. Sometimes you just have to break away and take care of yourself like I did, (this is how you save your sanity!)

I should also mention that my elderly friend was also abusive to some degree, but I was in a position where all I had to do was just leave and not see him for a while. Due to how I was abused throughout my childhood and early adult life, I was just not going to put up with more abuse coming from this particular person. In fact, had I been the one giving him a bath and he would've started with me, I would've just left with him in the bathtub and called the medics to come in and finish the job for me. They were always there every day anyway, and one night they were even there to pick him up off the floor, (and something like this would've been no different). All I would've had to have done was just tell them the situation and that I was leaving. They would've been there in an instant since they were there every day even when they knew the situation was trivial. Other people I would've also called is his favorite aid, but there would've been no guarantee she could've been there right away as quick as the medics would've been, it was either of them or the police department but it wouldn't of been me had I been the one bathing him and he would've started something with me. Maybe you can consider getting a little clever in your situation, because you really don't have to put up with abuse. There are ways to relieve yourself if you're just think outside the box.
Oh yes, what made the situation even worse is when my elderly friend would do things to me after telling me to come around, and there were times he was even rough with the delivery person who delivered our food when we ordered out. There were times when we had to wait a little too long for our orders, and instead of handling it in a professional manner, he got short with the people on the other end of the line. We ended up getting our food free one time, and we even got coupons for our next order to also be free. What more would the restaurant have possibly done had my elderly friend been polite and professional! Anyway, you don't have to put up with what you're putting up with, just call someone in to take over for you if necessary, you really don't have to take the abuse. Take care of yourself and make yourself a priority.
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Thank you so much for this post Ally. There was me finding my husband so difficult and demanding and criticizing and then I read these messages from people who have far worse to cope with! Very wise advice here - count to 100 and get some music on. Then go out for a breather. I just managed to get out to nearby coast and sat in little yacht club for 30 minutes. Fantastic day for once- counted the swans in the harbour. No one else around. Peace at last.
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Keep your dignity and try to lay down some rules as the others here have suggested. It's NOT YOU. They may not hear it but it keeps you centered. Oh there is a little secret: there is NO rent control in assisted living facilities. They can raise the rent/prices at any time with no oversight. What are the rest of us going to do? Wander the streets and live in lean-to homeless sites or in Quonset huts? Remember the poor daughter of Zsa Zsa Gabor, Francesca, who died last year virtually homeless and penniless at 60-something in her car? Daughters of narcissistic mothers suffer with the "mirror-mirror on the wall" problem--having to ADORE someone you FEAR is the essence of masochism and self-neglect and basis of many religions.
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Yes, I agree put her back in the NH. Whatever the reason, whoever she is, you don't deserve this abuse.
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You don't say who this person is to you but whoever she is, put her back in the nursing home and move on with your life. If she's always been this way then this person is simply toxic and she will never change. She probably would do much better with a male caregiver because her relationship with other women is dysfunctional. Only you can change your behavior toward her. And set boundaries even while you're waiting to get her back in the nursing home.
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It is a sad fact, that those we care for, are, sometimes or always ACT like their infirmities are OUR FAULT. I choose daily to have an attitude of gratitude, instead of focusing on those aspects of my life that hurt my feelings, or at time, cause real rage. Counting to a hundred helps. Telling them in a calm voice, that you will NOT tolerate them criticizing you continuously .... Get a break somehow. A movie w a friend does wonders, if you can somehow manage it!
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I would put her back in a nursing home. This is abuse and you don't deserve that. Do the Medicaid paperwork and get things moving. Save yourself!
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wow I guess I am not the only one my fnl is the same with me but not his sons, He has always been a not to kind of a person and now I have to deal with him.
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Is this the way your client has always been? I knew a man with alzheimers who became abusive after he got sick. On the other hand my mother was often psychologically abusive to me even as a young woman. People have told me what a sweet cheerful woman my mother is.
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i started the post on having a narisstic mother. Wow! how true this is about not liking or get along with any females. This is my mom to a T. She favors my brothers-she has never had a female friend. She is obsessed with her looks even at the age of 82 and thinks every man thinks she is attractive. She cheated on mu dad over the years many times. And then decided since I was so close to my dad when he was alive-to share with me every affair, some men she named, where they had sex exc. I was devastated that she would do this to my father and by the way she told me when he was still living. blamed him for every affair-told me at least with one guy who was her boss-that without him our family would not have survived financially in other words telling me she was a whore. And worst of all-she told my dad. This is something I can never forgive her for.
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Baumgark: earplugs with ipod and your favorite tunes. LALALALALA! I can't HEAR YOU! More lalalalala. Detach. Nasty part of brain saved for last to deteriorate. Life time of nastiness coming to haunt her. She is her problem, not you
Let her own mean comments be the last thing that are resonating in her ears each day. Do not respond. Yes, takes discipline, but it will be worth it. Practice. HUGS:)
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Perhaps setting some boundaries as KeepontryintM describes will get you through the next few months with sanity intact. I sure hope that her name comes up on that list soon! Have you started the Medicaid application process? Working toward making the move might also help you tolerate the situation better.

I hope that you do not believe the things she says about you, but if she has been programming you for a very long time I'm afraid you might tend to. You do not deserve to suffer. It is not your job to do what you are told by her. Remind yourself that these vicous things she says are not true. You ask about rudeness, but this treatment goes way beyond disregarding a few ettiquette rules.

Perhaps one reason you don't want to show disrespect is to preserve your own dignity and not to fall to her level of behavior. Again, remind yourself that sticking up for herself is not disrespect. "It is not true that I deserve to suffer. I help you to try to prevent you from suffering." "No, it is not my job to do everything you tell me to. I have many responsibilities, and taking care of you is just one." Etc. Whether you want to say these things aloud or not, please at least reassure yourself of their truth!

Hang in there!
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I don't know what to say. I'm flabbergasted that your mom would be so taunting to you. When I read about the shower comment, I just got this mental picture of her being in a bathtub at the time and slipping under the water. She sounds like a person who does not like women, especially women family members. Has she always been jealous of you? Some mom's just resent anything good their daughters have and they have to make cruel remarks, just to be sure life isn't too good for you. If possible, get a bathing aid. I hope a position in the nursing home comes available soon. Give your daughter a hug for me. Love to you.
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Yeah, my Mom is kind to everyone but me. I get tired of her other caretakers saying what a sweetheart she is. My husband and daughter have both overheard her though, so at least I have their support. She never says "please" or "thank you" because its "just too much trouble to say".

I'm constant accused of disrespecting my elders.

After almost hitting someone when she was shouting while I was driving I've had to set ground rules. No talking in the car. You start shouting at me, I leave, no matter what. That includes going to the doctors. Our relationship has been improving.

You might have to say no talking while bathing. After I said no talking while driving, when she shouts at me while in the car I move off the road. I only had to do that twice so she knew I meant it. We do talk some, but she no longer gets mad, which is what I really meant anyway.
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