What is the best way to respond when a parent with dementia when they become very hateful to you, should you walk away?

I think you did the right thing... she is confused obviously and she will forget. Do NOT treat her any differantly and don't bring it up... sometimes you have to act like a duck and let stuff just roll off your back!!! take care

Poor Mom. Poor Caregivers. It is Dementia that is hateful!

If it is safe to do so (you are not in the middle of giving her a shower, etc.) then leaving the room for a few minutes may be best. Certainly don't react, get mad, correct her, defend yourself, or otherwise disagree with her. When she said she didn't need any help from you, you might have asked if she needed help from anyone, to get at what you needed to know. But I think you handled this well.

This was the hardest part in the beginning of the journey for me.They ^^^ are right. Just walk away,as long as she's safe and you can. It took me a while to learn not to argue and realize it's the DISEASE she is mad at and the DISEASE I am mad at. The loss of control she feels of her body and her mind turned into I "control"her. When she is clear(er) minded, we discuss it and she understands, but, of course, she forgets. Hang in there, and try not to take it personally.

Crazy: mom just last week after i asked her if i could help her, said "nothing you can do will ever make me happy. I left the room and just kept a low profile. She later was sweet as pie, so who knows? Has something to do w/ the neurofibrillary tangling of the brain I guess. Anyway that worked out OK.
Tonio

The hardest part is the individual who was never like this before.

My Mom would have never said anything to upset me or anyone else, but the disease took over!

I realize if I keep my mouth shut and walk away she comes to me later with an apology. But if I argue or try to correct her she'll stew all day... Soooo, keep my trap shut is the way I go!!!

We can't win with this though. When my MIL says something hateful and I leave the room she says ''there you go, getting upset AGAIN.''

BUT I do find leaving the room is best for ME - because even though I wish I were a duck at times - I am not :0( I am a burnt out caregiver trying to do the best I can with very little help. Agingcare saved my sanity! THANK YOU ALL.

The question and all the comments are so helpful. My sister is periodically paranoid and hateful and accuses me of stealing from her. (Ironically, when I'm not home she goes thru my drawers and takes my stuff!)
I like the duck analogy--just let it roll off my back. Walk away and forget it, since she will!!

Great advice.

"Certainly don't react, get mad, correct her, defend yourself, or otherwise disagree with her."

I read that as 'Just be a doormat and accept abuse with your mouth shut because the disease requires it, then all will be well. (That's nothing against you, JG, you know I love your posts)

I can't get with the program. If these elderly people are abusive, verbally or physically, put them in a NH already. Nobody, and I don't care what the reason is, should have to deal with daily abuse and torture because these elderly are so far gone mentally that they don't know what they're doing anymore. If they don't know what they're doing anymore and become abusive, verbally or physically, they need to be with professionals that can handle them, rather than staying home and making everyone around them miserable. Just because the elderly have a disease doesn't make constant abuse less painful or easier to handle.

I have this problem with my Mom, she just yells at me at times... She is confused and very unhappy... It breaks my heart and I do try very hard to be kind to her. I usually do walk away when she is unkind!!!

Took me forever to get this through my head too, but it takes what it takes. I would leave her alone if she is secure and safe and head to do something else. If you are with her, then redirect her to something else, can even be, wow look at this towel color, weird but true.