How can I get away without my mom when she won't go to respite care or to a relative's?

Difficult situations here, all of them. This phase of only wanting a sole caregiver, usually one of their "children" seems to me to be a common phase in dementia patients, one which appears to arise from extreme anxiety about the unknown and change. Geriatric psychiatrists are really good at figuring out antidepessant and antisnxiety drugs to combat these feelings. With regard to fear of nursing homes, at least where my mom is, she's getting far more attentive medical care than I would be able to give her at home. Sometimes, we have to remember that we're driving the boat here, not the parent. You the caregiverHAVE to take care of yourself. As Jeanne asks, if you end up in hospital--not something that doesn't happen--mom would be taken care of. So do it on your terms. Go to the movies. Go see a counselor. Tear up the guilt card.

You have to do what is best for you. I find it interesting people tell you "not be be judgmental" while they judge you. Whether she likes it or not, you deserve respite care. Call Alzheimer's Association and agency on Aging. I nope they can help you. I hired caregivers and my Mom would always say "I'm not going to talk to the,. I'd tell her that was okay. Within 30 minutes, she was kcal king up a storm. Take time for YOU. You deserve some happiness too!

My Mother is showing age related problems. She's 91. Should I have her examined by Neurologist.

Suegirl, I think you should start a new discussion/question on this site. It will get the attention it deserves as this is an old thread from last April. I hope you get the answers you are seeking and that is the best way to go about it.

How do you bring up the subject of respite, we've just been given a place for our mum next month and are afraid we'l lose it as she gets all anxious if we say we've to go anywhere without her also when the day arrives for her to go she'l just panic - what do we do? Any suggestions

I know it's 2016, so you have probably long since moved on, but I can appreciate the conflicting feelings and the sense of being stuck. I just tried getting my mom, who lives with me, a "friendly visitor" otherwise known as respite care, for a couple of hours two days a week (the absolute maximum she would agree to). The intake worker came to visit and it was a disaster. Mom went on about how she took care of her sick mother and raised her siblings and now every I just want to get rid of her. Then the worker was pointing out what I was doing wrong in my interactions with her (I'd like to see her live with mom 24-7 and not fall into the same trap; you can't be a professional and a family member at the same time. What I don't get is these organizations and social workers talk about strategies to deal with these behaviours but they don't want to share it with the caregiver (except in a very mickey mouse format). For example wouldn't it be really helpful for us caregivers to know what techniques and strategies are used in memory care facilities? Even more that literature, we need an opportunity to practice - life skills for the caregiver if you will. It just adds to the guilt and inadequacy I feel about not being able to meet mom's needs. Their immediate answer is drugs to control her behaviours, but neither my mom nor I are fond of that route, although I may have to revisit a mild anti-anxiety medication just to take the edge off the panic she feels at times. I wish there were herbal variants (besides chamomile tea which tastes like flowers).

Mom doesn't want to spend any money on help, and it is expensive; but the underlying motive is to maintain her independence, and she always has been quite an introvert. I can understand why it's pointless to argue, reason or explain to a person with dementia but trying to validate and distract does not work with mom. This approach is further impeded by my natural inclination to analyze situations and use reason, especially in highly emotional situations. I'm not trying to be cruel; I'm trying to break through. Now, I'm back to square one again, because respite care is not going to work. I guess eventually people with Alzheimer's go into the end stage when problem behaviours aren't an issue anymore; however, reading about it is distressing. So I'll take the problem behaviors, but wow, are they draining when you have to deal with them all the time.