When do you respect your parent's wishes to not accept outside help? - AgingCare.com

When do you respect your parent's wishes to not accept outside help?


I have four siblings. My mother is 85 and has short term memory problems. We clean her house, make sure she is clean and make her meals. She remembers to heat the meals in the microwave and is not losing weight. She also remembers to take her medicine everyday. Two siblings feel we should bring in home aides to help socialize with my mother (although she was never very social outside her family). They feel we should do this regardless of what my mother wants. Two siblings feel we should respect my mother and not do anything she does not want to do. All of them expect me to be the deciding vote and do what they want. My mother sees someone 6 out of 7 days a week (even if it is for only 30 minutes) or talks with someone on the phone. I wanted to bring in a care manager to help me determine what we should do but my mother said "I am old not crazy" and that "she does not need or want a babysitter". I want to do the right thing and honestly I don't think my mother is incompetent. Last time I brought up this subject with my mother she told me that she can still decide her life. Am I doing the right thing by respecting my mother's wishes? How do I handle the warring siblings?

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my mother has at least one hospice visitor every day and claims they are intrusive and pesky but the reality is she loves the company and looks forward to their visits. its easy to dislike someone youve never met but once she meets one of these people she really appreciates them. lonliness is a big problem for the aged even if they mask it well..
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Why would your mother accept outside help, you and your siblings are providing everything she needs or wants. So i don't understand the need to bring in outside help if she is content.
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You should talk to her doctor about having an in home evaluation by a home healthcare provider. Perhaps with his request she would be more open. My Mother fights us about anything; but, let her doc say "maybe we should do this" and she can't get on that bandwagon quick enought. The evaluation is easy and will determine (if needed) what services are available to your Mom and what help they feel she needs.

As long as she is able to do for herself I would tend to let it be. If your siblings are helping out with cleaning, cooking, medicine sorting, then she maybe fine for the time being. Once you feel she is unable to care for herself, has a lot of difficulty getting around or it might be dangerous for her to be alone...then call in all the outside help you can get. There just comes a time when you have to be the adult and make the right, although hard, decisions for your Mom's wellbeing...no matter what Mom thinks!

Getting the evaluation now would give a good baseline for future decisions.
Good luck and God bless!
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