I am currently providing assistance to my mom who lives in another state. Since I am so far away, I have made it clear to my brothers that I will support them, and I don’t want them to shoulder the burden alone. One brother lives 30 minutes from mom. The other lives 2 hours away and does not have a car. I have set up home health, coordinated with doctors, set up an aide to visit, set up a cleaning service—done all I can to put support in place.
My younger brother has rented cars to get to her when he can and is also doing what is reasonably within his power to help.
Older brother lives 30 minutes from mom, and literally yells at us if we ask him to do anything, even something as simple as picking up a prescription or stopping by the house on his day off.
Mom is in the hospital again, and I am back to coordinating everything. Older bro now won’t even show interest in what is going on, let alone offer any kind of support.
I know that I cannot force him to help me, but it really hurts to know that he is fully aware of the toll it is taking on me, and he will not offer the slightest bit of compassion or support.
I do not want to judge him, but at this point I don’t think I can have any sort of relationship with him. I know it hurts my mom, because this same child moved back in with her as an adult twice when he was in financial trouble, and he gladly ate her food and stayed under her roof without repayment.
Has anyone else experienced this? Any tips for dealing with the frustration? I am really trying, but I can only do so much from another state, and it is already causing stress in my relationship, in my job and my own mental health.
I'm going to be more blunt than others, but it's to help you see your positions in a different light.
Do you really think that you're the one who needs help and equally as important, understanding? Your brother is the one with "boots on the ground".
Think it over; if you have to, list his tasks and consider the amount of emotion and effort required to maintain them. And just the fact that he is on site infers to me that he's assumed a more hands-on approach.
"I do not want to judge him, but at this point I don’t think I can have any sort of relationship with him."
Wow! Again, I'm going to be blunt, but I think that separation with individually "assigned?" roles is probably contributing to some sense of who's doing more, as well as concern about judgment and assessments that really aren't contributing anything positive. It's unfortunate that these comparisons enter in sibling relationships.
If you're serious about not having "any sort of relationship" with your brother over the stated issues, I think you might want to re-evaluate the basis of that filial relationship. Is it that you don't feel he's attentive and concerned enough about your needs? Or vice versa? He may actually feel the same way, that YOU are the one who's not attentive.
And your mother is in-between. How do you think she feels, if she's aware of the sibling frictions?
And if you've come to think this way, do you think your brother may feel the same? Unknown to you, he may wish that you would stay out of care management.
It's not my intent to insult, criticize or hurt your feelings. I just see a different angle that hasn't been addressed, and hope that you consider the care giving in a different light.
E.g., do you have any idea of the emotional challenges, demands and turmoil when an elder needs to be hospitalized? Your brother is the one making the assessment of need for a higher level of care, of seeing your mother carried out in a stretcher (and that IS stressful and unsettling), of trying to get information from medical staff, visiting, and making decisions if necessary, all during a pandemic. Believe me, that's mentally exhausting.
Perhaps he's tired of being the point person, while also apparently being subject to criticism. And, frankly, I would be annoyed and insulted if someone asked me to do something on my "day off."
Have you ever asked this brother specifically in what areas he would like assistance? If not, consider doing so, and then back off while he thinks over the situation, after you've gently reassured him that you want to help, not hinder.
Sometimes reckonings need to be had along the caregiving journey, but if successful and insightful, they can change the nature and dynamics of the relationship.
Please take some time out to imagine yourself in your brother's position, and he in yours, and think of how the interaction could be changed, for the betterment of all involved.
I wish you insight, and some luck in this kind of evaluation. It isn't easy.
I do think you have a point of trying to divide tasks, but honestly, he refuses pretty much anything that’s been suggested, so I am at a loss as to what would be suitable,
I tried not let my mother know there is tension. I am doing what I can, but I appreciate your perspective. Maybe you are right and I am selfish in wanting more support.
I will continue to do the best I can and try to maintain the relationship.
I am close to my cousins, nieces, nephews and godchildren. I am not close to my brothers.
My dad treated us all equally. My mom did not treat us equally.
Mom is rather old fashioned in her thinking. Even though I did the most for her, her sons were everything!
Mom isn’t pleased that I do not have a relationship with my brothers. She doesn’t own any responsibility for playing favorites or stirring the pot over issues.
I used to try and resolve issues but I learned the hard way that I had absolutely no control over their way of thinking or their actions so I let go.
I used to feel that I was strong for holding on but the true test of my strength came from letting go.
Letting go brought me peace.
Joy replaced misery. I was able to breathe normally without additional anxiety.
Once I realized this, and unfortunately I had to learn the hard way, that I could never control or change anyone else, I was able to move forward in my life.
We cannot focus on how others feel about our decisions regarding our lives.
We can’t be so naive to think that all of our family members or anyone else for that matter will approve of everything that we decide.
Guess what? It doesn’t matter! We don’t need their approval.
We don’t need to be in their business and they don’t need to be in ours.
It isn’t healthy for our lives to be that intertwined.
When my daughters call me. I let them speak. I listen. I do not grill them to learn every single detail. I don’t pry. It’s none of my business.
My mom interfered too much! It damaged our relationship. I have no idea how she came to be that way. My sweet grandmother, her mom, was not that way at all.
I know that our lives can seem confusing, frustrating and challenging, when we are in the midst of problems.
Step away for a bit. You may find a new perspective on how to deal with it.
i've done the same.
sending courage and strength: to all of us caregivers, and to our parents/loved ones.
wishing us all good health!!
bundle of joy :)
All you can do is keep them apprised of what is going on with mom's care, if you choose to, and don't expect ANY help. Then you won't get angry (well, AS angry) and expect help where there will be none. Or cut ties completely.
Of course you CAN judge him. He's being a selfish jerk, but that's not here nor there. He doesn't want to be involved and so for whatever reasons, he's not.
My OB mooched off my parents until he was well into his 40's. Like, big time mooching. Had them 2nd mortgage their home and then 'lost' the $200K they got him. That was all they had. They pretty much lost the house and had to move in with YB. Mom's been there 24 years, daddy passed 16 years ago. OB continued to take money from mother until the day he died (8 years ago).
The frustration of knowing mom was enabling his behavior and was keeping on with giving him money was her only way of keeping in contact with him. She knew what she was doing. "Buying his affection". We couldn't do anything but stand there and watch.
I went 'grey rock' with this brother 12 years ago. When he died, I had not spoken to him for almost 10 years. It was the ONLY way I could handle knowing he was around, causing pain and being totally useless.
You can't make him help, or care, or do anything. Just quit trying. I opted to quit trying and it made things a lot better for me. Actually, not having his toxicity around made life a lot better. When he died, I felt...nothing.
Many others will chime in. You are absolutely NOT alone in this.