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I am seeking suggestions for potential in-between residential options for my 62-year-old brother, who is currently living with his 80-year-old partner in a small NYC apartment. His partner is not in good health, and my two sisters and I, who live hours away, are planning for the time when this arrangement will no longer be feasible.
He is physically healthy but has severe aphasia, rendering him unable to advocate for himself in stressful situations (and he does not always wear his ID badge because he doesn't think he needs it). With no family to care for, he is set financially and can afford the best options possible when the time comes for memory care.
My husband and I, who have downsized into an apartment in a moderate-sized city, had considered letting my brother stay with us as a bridge between his current living situation and memory care, but during recent family trips, he has wandered when his partner couldn't join us due to health issues, with potentially devastating consequences. In addition, he has caused problems in during visits, such as overturning a big pot of enchilada sauce on the floor, leaving faucets on, getting confused about where he is, etc.
Selfishly, my husband and I are in the early phase of retirement and want the freedom to enjoy our 60s while we are still able to travel and take advantage of city living.
Any creative approaches to living arrangements for moderate AD relatives would be greatly appreciated.

Caregivers don’t really live-in, they work in shifts when 24 hour care is needed. You could start with a shorter day shift and work up from there. Sounds like they could use the help now! Why wait?
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Since both are financially secure, the partner could consider finding a senior community at which he could live in independent or Assisted Living while your brother goes to Memory Care. This would address both the partner’s physical issues and your brother’s cognitive issues and they wouldn’t need to be separated or leave NYC.

And no, you and your husband are not selfish for retaining your well-earned retirement plans.
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SadToWatch 12 hours ago
The partner has told us he does not want to go into assisted living and plans to stay in his apartment with hired help when he himself needs care. It's a 1 BR,1 bathroom unit with a small kitchen, crammed full of art and furniture. There is hardly room for both of them, and certainly not enough space for even one live-in caregiver. I am really thinking ahead to when the partner becomes debilitated or dies, which could be any time due to major heart concerns. It seems like memory care near one of his sisters will be the best option at that point, but it's going to be so hard for all of us. I appreciate the supportive comments in this thread.
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Have you all talked with the partner? I'd lean heavily into what the partner wants for your brother.

The partner may want to move some place with your brother.

Short term, get caregivers in the apartment. Since he has a partner you can probably start with daytime only. Maybe gradually ease in....
8-noon for awhile
8-6 for awhile
8-8

If the partner is capable of calling 911 then you might not need overnight care.
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Reply to brandee
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Hire caregivers at his apartment for now.

Also, if the partner is long term it would be cruel to move him out of the area he lives now so that the partner can visit.
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Reply to brandee
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Do not move him in. Find a facility for him. You have worked hard to get to where you are. You deserve retirement.
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Reply to JustAnon
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If your brother is doing what you say he is, its more than
severe aphasia. There now is some Dementia. I think he would be able to go to a Memory Care facility.

You need to talk to his partner. Is brothers care getting too much for them? Would they want strangers in the home caring for brother? Or would they be happy have brother placed and visit him?
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You’re not selfish, quite the opposite, it’s generous to be of help to your brother. It’s also wise to acknowledge the bad idea that moving him to your home would be. I hope you won’t do it, even temporarily. It might prove hard to undo. For now, I’d hire a part time helper to assist both of them and keep an eye on the situation. Don’t bite off worry about moving him to a different city later, the progress of his mental losses may make it not as upsetting as you think. Anyway, you’ll be acting in his best interests even if he never understands that. Remind yourself of it. He’s blessed to have you
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Thanks, and yes, I have durable financial and healthcare POAs. Fortunately, my brother is fine with letting me handle his finances (he couldn't begin to do it on his own). The partner is also financially set, has no children, and we get along great with him. When the time comes, the biggest challenge will be explaining to my brother that he can no longer live in NYC.
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Hope21 Jul 5, 2026
Why not arrange for 24/7 caregiving/companion help for him in HIS current home? Also, cameras and door alarms, etc.
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He has money but does he have a durable financial and medical PoA assigned? If it's not you, is it his partner? You won't legally be able to do anything with his finances unless you are his PoA.

Since he has funds, this is good news. You can have him live with you only if you have an aid 24/7 (due to his wandering). Or maybe look into respite care.

But what about his partner? Is it a long-term relationship? Does the partner have any other family?

FYI you are NOT selfish for wanting to enjoy the fruits of your labor and retirement.
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