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I was called by the ALF staff and told that my cousin, whom I have POA for, was refusing to get out of bed. She had wet herself and was saying she had quit her job and was not getting out of bed. I got up, got dressed and drove 20 miles to the facility to deal with her. She has dementia and brain scans are pending, but AD is expected. She also took a fall a couple of weeks ago and her spine doctor says it will take weeks for that to heal, but that's not why she wouldn't get up. She just wanted to sleep in and not get out of bed.

Until now she has been cooperative with the staff. She tells me they are nice and she likes them and living there. She told me she didn't like the way they were ordering her around yesterday morning. That's why she said she quit her job.

Most of the time, she thinks she works at the ALF. She thinks the director is her manager. She calls the cafeteria the break room. I don't disagree with her. I just told her she could quit if she wants. She just needs to get her bath, dressed and then she can rest and watch tv all day if she wants. That seemed to satisfy her and she got up and got ready with help.

I really wish the staff would have worked with her and got her to get up, get her bath,(someone assists her with that) and dressed. Certainly places like that handle people with these type of situations all the time. I personally see there are many dementia patients in the facility. Why can't they just deal with it? Why do they just throw their hands up and call me instead of dealing with it? Does this happen to others?

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Thanks for all your comments. At least I know I'm not off base. I know she is at a good place as I have talked to quite a few of people who have dealt with them who confirm this. However, I see the other residents all the time and many of them are not even conversational. Most are also in wheel chairs, so I know my cousin's level of care is not as great as theirs. Why can't they deal with her?

I will add tha on Thursday, when all this happened,t due to the urinary incontinence. I suggested they do a urine test to rule out a bladder infection. So, I called her primary doctor and had them fax over an order for that. They sent the sample in and she does have some infection. The culture will not be complete until Tuesday. Why didn't the ALF staff think of that? I just feel like I'm having to think of everything regarding her care.

She is seeing her primary care doctor and a Neurologist next week. I suspect they will do brain scans. If I can get her officially diagnosed with AD, does that mean she qualifies for a DEMENTIA CARE facility for Medicaid purposes? I suspect that will be the next step. Anyone know?
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Hi there, it happens to me, but I asked the assisted living facility to call me. Luckily, mom's facility is only 1 mile from our home. (She lived with me for 19 months, and I just couldn't handle the not sleeping at night anymore). My mother seems to think she is always working and applying for jobs at factories?...(she was a teacher, and a real estate broker) She has started the not wanting to get out of bed game...which is fine for now, because it isn't everyday..yet..but I agree with jeanniegibbs about the putting her in clean PJ's. I don't know what it is, but it works for mom. (I have to admit, that I live in yoga pants and PJ bottoms when I'm home). I bought mom a bunch of cute, fuzzy ones in bright colors...and for some reason...for now anyway, the promise of, "Here, let's put these on"..seems to work. I know it will probably change as the dementia gets worse...sometimes just when we think there is a routine to follow, she will flip the script in a minute. I've always said that it is a good thing that I love mysteries, because you never know what you may get one day to the next. I also agree with Maggie about finding out if she may get up for a different aide. Mom has a usual aide, that she loves, on the day shift...but of course this angel needs time off too. Her showers are not scheduled with anyone else. I don't care which two days a week she gets her showers...she does it easily with, "Marie". I just hope Marie stays there for a long time. Oh, the meal that mom eats most of is breakfast...this seems to work I will usually tell her, "If you don't get up and moving, you are going to miss breakfast"...(I'm lucky that they allow her to wear her PJ bottoms to the dining room, I've heard that some places don't). I've told everyone there that I'm easy going..I don't care if she lives in PJ's the rest of her life, as long as she is comfortable. I wish you the best, it is hard ...but yes, the facility should be able to tend to her needs. What if they had called at a time when you couldn't be reached? They would have had to figure it out. Let us know how it goes. I always love reading updates.
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She wouldn't qualify for assisted living at the facility that my MIL is in. They have to be totally self sufficient. The one my Mother was in, she had to be able to get out of bed, with only one person helping. If you don't get out of bed and can't toilet yourself, you have to transfer to the NH wing, which is more costly. Good luck, it sounds like your cousin is going to need more care than AL can give.
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I'd say this was staff's shortcoming. Doesn't want to get up? "Okay, how about I come back in 15 minutes? How does that sound?" Chances are, she'd say okay. At least my mom would. She can get stubborn if I rush her. And I'd bet they aid was rushed. And once she's stubbed up, it's thirty minutes before she puts that aside.

They're not going to force her. They should be cajoling her...finding what button they need to press to get her compliant.

As for staying in a wet bed. Big deal. From two hours after she goes to BED she may be staying in a wet bed.

If they give her a shower or bath every morning, I don't blame her for not wanting to get up. I don't even shower or bath every single morning. I'd cut that back to baby wipes when she's wet on her privates and a bath/thorough sponge bath/or shower once a week. Not like she's playing in mud puddles. Okay, I do more than once a WEEK, but I often play in mud puddles. ;)

Find out if more than one aid had a go at it. Find out if your aunt just doesn't like an aid's style. That's possible. I think ALF's and NH's are quite used to that. They should be flexible. If YOU can get it done? THEY should be able to get it done.
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You did a good job. Sorry you had to drive 20 miles to do it.

Perhaps a try to do it by phone first would be worthwhile next time. Say to the staff member "Well, if she's quit her job, let her sleep in. Go back in 45 minutes and tell her she has the day off and you'd like her to have her bath so she can enjoy it nice and fresh. You can offer to put her in clean pajamas instead of clothes." If your cousin does well on the phone, perhaps hearing you comfort her and assuring her she doesn't have to get up except to get clean would be useful, too.

I imagine that the ALF's main concern was not that she wanted to stay in bed, but that she was wet. Certainly they'd want to get that taken care as soon as possible. Giving them permission to wait a little while and to approach the situation again, a little differently, might be all they needed.

When I get calls from Mom's NH, I ask, "How are you handling that?" or "What do you usually do in situations like this?" I might make a suggestion.

It is their job to care for her. But if the resident is distressed and they think the family member can calm her down it is not unheard of for them to call the family member. And in this case they knew Cousin could not stay in a wet bed indefinitely so they were a little panicked.
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