Child to midde aged have experienced parent's daily rage, abuse, nglct. Mum fell 3 July 2020 & bedridden with higher reliant needs. On top KRF rheumtoid, stroke, longterm depression. I scooped her off floor with my false knees/toe. Last 25 days provided intense care, support, encouragement & respectful/humane care. Constant angry violent abusive dad refuses/forgets to give meds/meals & will not give his wife bed wash/toilet (nor as she regularly expressed to me wants dads insane harrassment of her every mobilty). Mum always expressing wanting me to bathe her as she has said feels uncomfortable with dad & that he is rough/impatient. In stepping more actively into these daily responsibilities, I receive daily targetted toxic angry verbal abuse threats from both & physical assault ongoing frm dad & always contrived verbal frm sister.
GP did home consult visit today in mums bedroom with dad present. Still in dressing gown I overheard GP ask about 1 med with confused mum & dad vague. With helpful intent I popped my head in & GP directed me to move further CV19 distance. I directed her to diary next to my mums bed that I fill in daily with all mum's meds/health details. Then GP said to me "mum's not happy & has depression... your mum said she is depressed & not eating b/c tension b/w you & dad." Mum for decades this status due to her own anger, hatred, toxic manipulative self and more accurately KRF side affects & associated vomiting. Depression always due to health & deterioration, spousal psychotic abusive behaviour etc who knows toxic liability. I'd spoken to mum earlier today saying "I think she is showing undiagnosed dementia symptoms." She retorted "I hate you... bathe me now." I left her bedroom.
Further, with today's GP home visit for mum, I was standing in their bedroom compromised in my pj's. I replied to GP "I've assisted you with mum's med query... I support my mum's health/comfort needs daily. Your comment is not appropriate to me and I won't stay in this room with such falsehood maltreatments in my home." As I walked out of parents room mom smirked from her bed & GP yelled "no no it may not be true... come BACK here NOW." I kept walking out of room & replied "no not happening... I will not be subjected to such circumstsance. " GP yelled RIGHT THEN.
I have lifetime chronic GAD/PTSD as direct result of parental/sibling assaults/abuse & their respective coercions/lies. I am on pension & 17yr public housing w/lst. What frequently follows in my unchosen family are threats, commands & confrontations to make me homeless. Threats to get me imprisoned as a means to control me &/or any other irrational caused crippled fear. Crying all afternoon & rang Lifeline. All last straw & can't believe my mum would canive to present blame "newly found" depression/inappetance on my alleged tension with dad when all I do every day is escape away from them all & lock myself in bedroom. When she has said to several family members "I don't want to eat." Recently, mum said to me "I want to die." Ridiculed lies to attempt to discredit my character, honesty, kindness & existence. I am beyond sick of being victim targeted &/or by delusioned inappropriate association by others to dads misbehaviour/actions. When all I do is be quiet saying nothing & try hard to avoid & not be in dad or rest of families presence. Dad historically imbalanced/violent fights with mdl aged 3 offspring, TV, shoppers/immigrants in public, road rage, members of mens shed & rotarians. 24/7 spousal history of verbal & physical harm to all above. Looses temper throwing heavy crutch & hitting mum's leg in past as 1 of zillion examples. 50c gaping hole & nonstop bleeding as on warfrin yet since healed as I arranged daily nurse from her GP surgery to redress avoid infected ulcer.
I am mortified, embarrassed, heartbroken, exhausted & disgusted regarding today's GP onslaught due to extremes mum seems to choose to take at my peril and consequent desperate inappropriate attempted desecration. I ache with hurt. I am still here on earth & I value myself.
You want your mother to change. You CANNOT make your mother change.
You have the ability to say "no". You have to ability to walk out the door.
Getting an elderly, depressed, possibly demented and mentally ill abused woman to "take responsibility" isn't going to happen. The only way I can see that you get your parents help is by refusing to help them.
It's the only thing you have control over.
I hope that the Lifeline referral works out.
This thread is closed as is it is evident to have dissolved into a counterproductive status.
The only person you have any control over is YOU. You have the ability to walk out of this crazy situation; you are enabling it to continue. By leaving, it crashes down and your parents will be forced to accept help.
The GP cannot force your parents into care. Your, by refusing to support the charade that they are independent, can. But only by leaving can you accomplish this.
Finding help forums & in seeking advice individuals provide focused brief information, exempt of every single solitary detail. In essence, supportive problem solving, requires further communications to build a more relevant and accurate overview to draw upon. This is also dependant upon individuals capacity, self reserves and trust building on the internet with strangers on matters people want to discuss or require.
Everyone is coming from an honest yet fragile, vulnerable, solving and learning viewpoint. Clarity and sensitivity is paramount. Whilst subscribers intentions are to offer supported advice, I would suggest most are likely under varying levels of cumulative stress. Additionally, each individual is impacted by CV19 and interactions somewhat compromised everywhere in life.
No I don't want the GP to have a personality change as you express. Also, time & patient changes very much a WIP with assessments and plans to develop/arrange. Family dossier not expressed with broader info nor shared at this juncture.
Life is complex & never clear cut cookie cutter streamlined. Forever juggling and customising to ever changing needs, patient and/or finances to commence etc.
Takes a team to input, navigate services & implement best options that work all round.
If not, then Human Services would be called in (by you, neighbours or GP). HS may call in Crises Assessment & Treatment Team (CATT). This can start a chain reaction, including capacity assesment.
Do you feel you are currently in danger? Another poster in a similar situation moved temporarily into a women's refuge (sorry if I have gender wrong) then moved into a small flat. This meant the parents were forced to accept outside family help.
Hope the lifeline contacts help.
So I am commenting on the parts that I think I understand.
Mum's GP came for a house call today. If it was not preplanned, why was she there? Who called her? You are angry that she asked you about Mum's comment regarding appetite and depression. I honestly do not know why you were in your pajamas, and how that impacts the conversation. From your first post it appears you were listening to the conversation from another room or the hallway. When your parents could not answer the question about medication you entered the room. The doctor was upset, because of lack of social distancing and things got off to a poor start from there.
You do not want to follow up with the GP. "Setting up a mtg with her following on from today's debacle whilst I should have further conveyed all I do for my mother & refute by quering mum on the spot, i just have no time/regard. No purpose to consequently acknowledge or subject myself to an untenable position that I will not tolerate."
I am not sure if you are the person with the double knee replacement. I know here in Canada that would not be considered a disability. There are a great many jobs that can be done sitting down, or with limited standing.
If you are on a long wait list for public housing, what other housing options are available to you? What about room mates?
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Want do you want to happen? Are you wanting your parents to change or do you want to end your care role completely? Or something inbetween.
A safe home for you. Care provided for your parents. These seem to be the priorities I am reading.
Australia has amazing health services at low or no cost for the aged.
The GP can arrange an aged care assessment (ACAS or ACAT) & a social worker. ACAS will need application paperwork completed (there are agencies to help with this). Then appropriate help is arranged. This may be Aides visiting the home or if this is not enough, actually move into aged care accommodation.
Sadly, in Victoria Covid is ripping through some Aged Care Homes but the other states are currently fine.
All this will take time, to get the care they need. You are only one person & this all sounds too big. Please reach out to the GP to get a social worker to help you all before the stress gets worse.
Priorities are clear as you've stated and yet reality of life not always fully possible. This is not to say I've repeated options which narrow close or don't really exist.
It is what it is with people and no desire or benefit to change anyone. I would like my mother to get external comprehensive daily care provisions in place. To cease resistance, anger, abuse and where possible work in with people's help. I would like my mum to take ownership of her self, health, mentality, drive & appetite. Cease blaming/victimising me for her own woes to her GP. Accept that her actions with GP yesterday at my unwarranted peril again has repercussions of "no care/contact" from myself. Involvement with her & care provisions does not work for family members and needs external input.
I will when able make the suggestion of a family SW. I just need a couple of decades break right now. External party involvement will be refused as it would expose questions & accountability more specifically at parents/siblings. Mother's GP does not seem able to professionally & respectfully arrange/manage her care. It has to come out in the wash & yet GP does not converse with families. Nor does she obtain facts or take the initiative to pre-arrange reassessments or navigate progress alongside family.
Wish I had the power of retrospection & stuck with my gut decision to abstain from advocating on behalf of my mother yesterday and not entering her room whilst GP home visiting. I never knew the position and mental degradation that was going to ensue. Grappling.
If your father's 86, he shouldn't really be attempting your mother's personal care. If you're disabled, and also if you have a strained relationship with your mother, you shouldn't be, either.
I'm in the UK so I'm not familiar with social care arrangements in Australia, but I do know enough to guess that there will be accessible services. Unfortunately, one way to access them is through your mother's GP and it seems that that conversation hasn't got off to the best of starts.
Depression and other mood disorders are very common after stroke; and I can't see that the GP was attacking you by raising the issue of tensions between you and your father. This was reported to her by your mother during the consultation, so naturally she spoke about it. It would be surprising, in fact, if it *hadn't* come up, seeing as it's something that is adding to the whole family's stress.
I don't know if this is a practical idea, but if you're near enough to the practice could you make an appointment to see or speak to this GP on your own account? It might be best to start again with her, because she is the GP who is familiar with the family situation, and take advice.
Looking at your own position: you can't wait seventeen years for an answer. So what else might you do? You have two siblings - are you on good terms with them?
Event brought need for closer family interaction resulting in volatile abuse, expectation and DMV dysfunction all round.
Sibling relationships poor/estranged, threatening/abusive & disrespect/ignore.
Both parents poor/compromised mental health from birth to current in turn impacting offspring. Mom had mild stroke 2002. Both parents geriatric mental illnesses currently reflect inability to hide behaviours. Increased random & disillusioned grasp on reality & explosive cruel, false & unstable targetted outbursts.
National Disability Insurance Scheme Australia does not classify a person with bi-lateral total knee replacements as a disabled person nor qualify eligible for their services.
Yes mum's primary carer needs to change from husband & yet self appointed in order to receive carer pension allowance. He is increasingly inept/incapable due to age, mental illnesses & spousal abuse. Dangerously short fused.
Individually & collectively they are manipulative if not of similar personality/character. I am dumbfounded, offended & disgusted by my mother's premeditated dishonest intent to discredit me once again by association to her residing husband as reason for her inappetance/depression. If I were not present I wonder how quickly they would all start sabotaging/abusing each other.
GP's misconduct, opportunism of circumstance & disrespect today toward me whilst in an occupants private home for patient home visit consult is never acceptable. Today was not a pre-arranged "family" care plan appointment to have all present to discuss my mother's care management. Random non-factual confrontation of anyone let alone in their home, being compromised whilst wearing their pyjamas is a disgrace. Taking a patients reply in privacy & with respect is paramount. Her advantageous disruption that followed unacceptable choice. Again, set up a family medical appointment re mother/wives future care.
I used to attend this same practice and had same GP for a time. We did not suit as she was incapable of compassion uncomfortable in that role. Rather dry, loud overbearing approach. When I saw her she would boast that she was competing with colleagues for award of a toy crown as to who saw/completed the largest amount of pap smear procedures. That to me was insenitive & perverse. I fired her 25yrs ago for a reason. Setting up a mtg with her following on from today's debacle whilst I should have further conveyed all I do for my mother & refute by quering mum on the spot, i just have no time/regard. No purpose to consequently acknowledge or subject myself to an untenable position that I will not tolerate.
My actioned response to promptly remove myself today validated as most appropriate/reasonable in discussions with crisis aged caregiver service and my psychologist.
I hope my mother accepts external agedcare personal hygiene services to commence.
I can't see myself willing whatsoever to attend mum. I hold immense disdain for those that lie and continually take advantage of kind, hard working individuals.
Just for now, though: GPs doing home visits are having a very rough time not only because of their increased exposure to Covid but also because EVERYBODY out there is going a little bit nuts! So if this one didn't handle your mother's visit well, take a step back and a deep breath, and let's work out where you go from here.