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My dad passed away 5 years ago leaving mom on her own. She is 82 and suffers from no major illness but does take medication for her heart, and has uses a walker to get around due to knee operations and a fall she had 2 years ago. Mentally she has no problems but due to her age we limit alot of her activities such as using the stove and climbing any stairs when we are not present. Meals are also prepared for her with her participating when it is simple. My brother had been living with them due to dad's illness and continued to do so after dad passed away. We live 4 hours apart and we had agreed when my dad passed that my mom come for visits at our home 2 times a year for approx 1 1/2 months in order to give my brother a break. I also would go up to visit often and spend up to a week taking care of her doctor appointments and any other issues that needed to be taken care of.


My brother does not work in the winter therefore he was not concerned for that time period. It has now been 5 years and my brother is finding it harder and harder to care for her for long periods of time. He has requested that we take her more often for longer periods of time. For instance she would spend 2 months with us and then back to my her home for approx. 3 months and then back at my home for approx 2 months and so on. So it would be like sharing her so that both can have a break from the care. One of the issues is that my home is a small cottage so therefore there are stairs to go to the bedrooms where her home is a bungalow therefore much easier to care for and much easier if one has to go out to run errands and not have to worry about her using the stairs to go take a nap or go to bed. Therefore when she is at my home I worry so much that I spend the time scheduling everything around those times. For instance I will not leave the house till she is downstairs and had breakfast and ready for the day. I make sure I am home when she goes up for her nap or when it is time for her to go to bed. Being that it is a small cottage it means we are basically all together for most of the day....privacy is non existent. This puts alot of stress on my relationship with my husband as he feels we cannot do anything spontaneous and he feels when my mother is here he basically looses his wife and feels we have no privacy due to our home being small.


As time goes on me and my brother have realized that in a couple of years she will need much more care as with time and age she will demand more care and at that time we will make other decisions such as a home for elderly. She is ageing and new medical issues have started to appear. I have no issues with this arrangement my brother has proposed. My mother has always been there for me. She has always helped me at times when I needed her. Such as spending time away from her home and dad when I had several operations or for any other reason I may have needed her. She was always here for me at a moments notice. The problem is basically my husband who resents having my mother here for longer period of time than one month at a time. He feels two months at a time to long and is only ok with her visiting 2-3 times a year no longer than one month at a time. I feel torn and am resenting his lack of support. I have tried explaining that she is not yet ready to be in a home and when that time comes we will deal with it. For now I want to do this with all my heart. I cannot imagine placing my mom in a home at this time. This is causing alot of stress between me and my husband. I love him very much but I feel like he is asking me to choose between my mom and him. I find this selfish on his part and find that his lack of support a slap in the face.


My mom is not here 365 days a year why would he be so opposed with helping me and my brother care for my mom. She is not just my brothers responsibility but also mine. I am so stressed by this that I find myself crying daily. I never would of expected him to react in this manner. Am I wrong for feeling this way? We have been together for 21 years. Can our solid years together not be able to support this arrangement for a few years to come? I find myself not feeling I am becoming distant from him because I cannot understand why he would not want to support me with this. I find myseld asking "Who is this person" In tears while I am writing this and any suggestions would be appreciated . I apologize if I am rambling away but it feels so good to have gotten this off my chest. Thank you for any suggestions or insight to this issue.

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EastEagle, please give your mom a break. Just take care of her and leave her be. She's 92, almost blind, and you're worried she isn't gadding about with activities??? Her days are almost over, and she isn't going to be making fun new friends at this point. It's a pity she can't read much more, how about 'books on tape'? The library probably has some, I'm sure you could find a whole world of them online, too. As for visitors, if she belongs to a church, they would send someone to see her. But for heavens sake, stop worrying she isn't doing enough!
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Your husband has been a saint up until this point. There is a point when you are asking too much and you are at that point. If your mother needs that much minding she needs to be somewhere that professional can do it.
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EastEagle, I think is it normal for most, also most of our friends have gone. Think of a old dog or cat that doesn't do much anymore. When they were puppies or kittens they played all the time. Now they are happy to sit in the window and watch the world go by. I am going to be 82 in June. I have always been a "people" person, so I enjoy going out. I make myself go to exercise class to keep my strength up. My mother was NOT a people person. She always was happy to stay home and just be a housewife. I also have an old girlfriend who is the same way. My husband who is 84 is staying home almost all the time. He just doesn't feel like going out. His extended family has an "Auntie" who at 104 still wants to go to dinner and the casino. She won't go to her daughter's house because she is afraid they won't bring her back to her home where she is still living alone. She does have family near by that watches out for her, but she still does her own housework and cooking. Every one is different. When I was even in my 70's I could clean my house in a day. Now it takes two or three days to do it because of aches and pains and a general feeling of "I have been cleaning for 75 years and I am tired of it". When we get old, we slow down, our energy is going, just like a 15 or 20 year old dog, we are happy to sit by the fire, so to speak. As for her reading, have you tried a Kindle or Nook? you can make the print pretty large. You could load a lot of her favorite books on it.
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From EastEagle to everyone here: I have already written my comments and my own experiences about this particular question, but I would like to ask another question to everyone on here, who is either an older person themselves, or is taking care of a Parent who is between the ages of 80 thru the mid 90's. I just read what some of you mentioned about your Parents having some social activities. However, My Mother is 91 years old, and will be 92 this August, and is isolated at home, no friends, no activities, no social life at all. She says she likes to live this way. Is this really normal or not??? I worry about her, 24/7, because the only thing she does all day is watch TV and take her meds. I mentioned before, that she is blind in one eye, has pretty bad sight in her "good eye" and is going deaf, and this would make it difficult for her to do some of the activities that other folks like to do. My Mother loves to read, but she can't really do that any longer. I would greatly appreciate your opinions on this. OR, is it just normal for our Aging Parents to be so alone all the time. It just seems so depressing to me. Thanks to all of you, again.
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If privacy is non-existent, as you say, then there is no wonder your husband is not inclined to want your mom there for extended times. I'd try to understand it from his perspective. If there was no other option, then I might reconsider, but there are options. I'd explore what her needs are and what is available. Granted, the options in the small town she is from may be limited, but even small towns have Assisted Living facilities.

Since you say caring for your mom in your house makes you very anxious, I'd question why that is. Is she really in need of that much care? What if you had a professional do an assessment, getting input from your mom, your brother and anyone else, like her doctor. Depending on the results, consider the options.

Have you actually visited places to see what is available? Whenever I hear someone call it a "home," it makes me wonder, because that sounds like the way people described nursing homes many years ago when the senior was sick and disabled. Today there are retirement communities, Independent Living, Assisted Living and they are designed for the new and even active seniors.

Would your mother enjoy being able to visit daily with people her own age, attend social events right on the premises, have the autonomy to pick out her own meals, entertainment and friends? It sounds like it might offer her more than living with your brother and you in a house that does not accommodate her needs. If she is mentally capable, I would encourage all measures for her to be as independent and functioning as possible.

I wish you all the best.
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Starbright, I guess I missed your answer to my comment about stairs. If you have stairs she must use, and she can't use stairs. Your home is not the place for her. I still don't understand why a woman my age who has all her mental facilities has her kids deciding what she will and will not do. Why is that? What does she want to do. As for your husband, it is his home too and if he doesn't want her for extended visits he has the right to say so. As a child and an adult I had experienced having dependent in-laws or parents living with you and it is not easy. For those who dream of a loving mother who cared for you through thick and thin. My experience is they are living in a dream world. My mother was extremely hard to live with, she didn't love me which made it even harder. We don't know StarBright's mother from her husband's point of view.
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This probably sounds harsh but I waas always the one who gave but could not depend on those same people to do for me when I needed them. So, I have learned to do for meand mine but not to forget about me. I have a right to do for myself.
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Bongbing, Why is it you 24/7. Yes there are things only u can do as a women but your husband can do the rest. My Mom doesn't have a choice. She has some money and I used it first for an aide to shower her 3x a week. Then daycarewho now showers her. Hire an aide who will sit with her a day or two a week using her money. Let the aide shower her and get hr lunch. Tell ur MIL that you just can't do it all. My husband helps when I need him but its my Mom. If I had his Mom, I would help him but when I wanted to do something, he would be the one staying home with his Mom not me.
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EastEagle, when one's parents are in their 80's and 90's there are many from that generation who think differently regarding their son and their daughter. I remember someone here on the forum said that her elderly parents instead of giving her the job of being the financial Power of Attorney since she was a CPA, it went to her brother who was terrible with handling his own money. The parents thought only men knew how to deal with money [sigh].
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I feel for you and understand what you are going through. My mother in-law moved in with us 10 months ago, and she has dementia to where since then, she is getting worse day by day and it is getting harder because I take care of her 24/7 and refuses to take outside help. I am tired and my marriage is suffering. Really consider putting her in the nursing home soon'
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StarBright777- I am so sorry to hear about the pain and struggle you are going through right now. How horrible it must feel to love your mother so much and want to help out with her care, and love your husband too and yet feel the resentment you do. I want to tell you the feelings you are feeling are 100% normal. You are feeling this way because things are tough and crappy right now. You are not wrong because of those feelings and your husbands not wrong because of his. I also want you to know that there's no right or wrong answer regarding the amount of time you care for your mom in your home. You may want to seek out a counselor for you and your husband (or just you) to help you sort through some of these very strong feelings. Also, I know some people suggested that your immediate family comes first, but, no one should ever answer this except for you. As caregivers, as individuals, each of us need to decide and be supportive of each other. So, you follow your heart and soul; reach out and get some help from a counselor who can help you work things through, and remember, you are never alone.
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I remember my grandmother and at another time, my grandfather living with us when I was a kid. My mother said she and my dad had to go to the store and sit in the car in the parking lot to have an argument. I don't want my kids to have to live like that.
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As an old person myself, I don't want to be shuffled back and forth every two months. Get me my own place in assisted living, with people my own age, who have the same interests I have. Be there for me by calling and visiting, but don't ship me around like a bad Christmas gift.
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Marriage first. We are the first generation to deal with this. If it is affordable, get your mom in assisted living where she can make friends and not be dependent on her kids. Ask yourself this, would you want your kids going through this for you?
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To MaryKathleen and to freqflyer, I agree with what both of you are saying. Here is my own situation. My Mother is 91 yrs old, will be 92 in August, and she lives alone in her own 3 family house, which is what she and my Brother decided was best. Actually, he wanted my Mother to keep the house, so he can have it when she is gone, he wants to get the rent money. I am the only Daughter, and he is the only son. He has POA, and my Mother allows him to make all the decisions about her house, while I am never consulted about anything. As I mentioned before, she has already fallen 4 times, this last time she was on the floor for over 3 hours, until she called my brother at 10:30pm and then he went to her house. He lives 1/2 mile away, it takes him about 5-10 minutes to get there. My Mother has refused to get a Medical Alert System, and refused to get another phone for her living room, so she had to crawl thru 3 rooms to get to her phone. It took her over 3 hours to get my brother on the phone. She refuses to use a cane, or a walker, which her Doc wanted her to use. She is socially isolated, and really has no hobbies, she has no friends at all, and there are no neighbors around who can visit her, and she refuses to even try out the Senior Center, and she no longer attends her local Church, so she has no contact with anyone who could possibly visit her. She is legally blind, meaning she has lost the sight in one eye, and her "good" eye is very blurry. Her 2 Eye Specialists sent the Commission for the Blind to her house, they do safety evaluations, and they gave her a reading magnifier to use, but she put that in the closet and will not use it. They will also give her FREE Volunteers to help her with errands, shopping, and to read to her, and help in other ways. She did not like the woman who was sent to her, and would not let them go back to her house. She has hearing loss, but she refused to get hearing aids, she didn't want to spend the money, which she has plenty of in the bank. Her diet consists of coffee, toast, crackers, and candy bars. She refuses to drink Ensure, which her Doc told her to do. So now, when I call her, sometimes she can't hear the phone ring. I live 30 miles away from her, which is usually a one hour drive thru the Boston traffic, from our house in the Metrowest area, to her house in Chelsea, on the other side of Boston. I am 64 years old, and have a heart problem, so I have to be careful not to over do anything, and I can't tolerate hot weather. My husband is 68, and he had to retire early, due to his injuries at work, when he was a firefighter. He can't turn his neck that well, he can't bend over, and his hips are bad too. He has a problem driving the car, and can't sit down too long. We have already gotten use to many trips to the Doctors, Hospital, he has had many MRI's and years of Phys. Therapy. It was last summer, when I had to wear a heart monitor at home, because my heart was racing at night, and I could not sleep. So, that is my situation. Plus, my Mother will not come to our house at all, she says she cannot stand to be outside with bugs around her. I have a beautiful front garden, and back yard, but she likes the City. So. that is my situation. I can't get my Mother to change her mind on anything. Until the next disaster happens.
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Here is one thing we all need to realize, not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. It is no different than not everyone is cut out to be a surgeon, or a firefighter, or a physicist.

We also need to realize that many grown children are senior citizens themselves with their own age related decline. Like who is going to pick me up when "I" fall? Surely not my aging parents who were in their 90's. Last year I did fall that resulted in a serious injury.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
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I will be 82 this month, I also took care of my parents. I read your post and wonder why you and your brother decided to limit what your mother can do. You said, "Mentally she has no problems but due to her age we limit a lot of her activities such as using the stove and climbing any stairs when we are not present. Meals are also prepared for her with her participating when it is simple". Why did you choose to limit her activities? You said she has no mental problems.

My 100 year old neighbor who uses a walker has someone come to take her out almost every day. She goes to a senior center, she used Dial-a-Ride to go to the mall. Since you say she is not mentally handicapped, what is going on? Her age should not be a factor. I still volunteer with the Sheriff's Department and I work part time for the Forest Service in the summer.

By moving her back and forth she never has her own home, her own space. I would hate to move back and forth between my kids.

Maybe she needs physical therapy to help her be more mobile. My 63 year old niece has had both knees and a hip replacement and she still works. I wonder if you are seeing your mom with clear eyes. I don't understand why a mentally healthy, and except for knees, a physically healthy person needs so much help. Perhaps you can explain and help me out. I suggest you get her physically evaluated, see if therapy will help her get more mobile. To me you sound sort of hysterical, again quoting you; "Therefore when she is at my home I worry so much that I spend the time scheduling everything around those times".
If for no other reason than the stairs, it doesn't sound like your home is the place for her to be.

What does she say about this? I would be very angry if my kids started telling me where I am going to live,. I would be moving back an forth with no home of my own. Assisted living sounds like a great place for her. My ex is in one and he loves having his own space, if they cook something he doesn't like, he can get something else, last night it was a PB sandwich, (giggle).
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because he married you not your mother. my brother is going through this with my sister-in-law. she has 2 brothers they don't help and refer to her by terrible names. she is much more ill than your mother not knowing who people are. there life ended when she came to live with them. one will go out without the other to different functions but her grandchildren live in different states and can't help. she feels guilt putting her in a home but their lives are over until she dies. this is unreasonable. maybe if you talk to your mother and suggest independent living arrangements or hire a person 2 or 3 times a week you can relax. I moved into a senior community and when my husband gets to be too much I take him to the clubhouse so he can engage in an activity and go to another activity.
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As a caregiver, I think ur brother has it good. Since ur Mom has no Dementia, she can be on her own. If he wants to go out, then hire someone to sit with her. People are suggesting AL forgetting this is private pay. What are her finances? Can she sell her home? Can u talk to ur husband? If he feels two months is too long then go with the one month. Doing it every 3rd month. Do u work now? If not, on the off months, take a week visit or long weekend. You said u spoiled ur husband...then as my daughter says...you made this monster. I also feel that your brother may be taking advantage of your good heart. Once you make a decision with hubby, make them clear to ur brother. I'm assuming he is living with Mom rent free? Don't make demands of hubby. Approach the situation that u need help and how together you can solve the problem. Don't bring up what you did for him right away. Say, you feel you were always there for him now u need him to be there for u. Give him time to think about what u have said. He may come around. Compromise.
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If you make the decision, be prepared that hubby may resent you and you will feel the heat. That is all I was saying with my post. Then again, he could come around and do totally opposite.

My dad has had a rough year. He has had a prostate issue for a long time now and it reared its ugly head. It took a month to find a surgeon. This new doc called for him the same day which meant a three hour trip one way. Hubby was no reschedule. Well that would have meant two weeks out. He had already had the catheter for a month. I was worried about infections and told him I was going to take him by myself because hubby had medical issues as well and long drives are not easy for him.

Hubby reluctantly did go to help.

Well they took so long with getting him scheduled for the surgery, he did end up with an infection and we thought we were going to lose him. So a few times, I had to leave family/hubby to be with father. I just could not sit at home waiting on a telephone call. Spouse also made some of these visits.

In my eyes, I have not neglected anyone. However, at times I hear, “I am putting others first.”

Hopefully you know enough now about all the possible outcomes.

Your decision will not be an easy one and I wish you well.
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StarBright: You are caring for your Mother out of Love and Respect, and because you don't want to feel any guilt for not doing all you can for her. But, some of us have to do what you are doing, because our Parents refuse to face reality, and they refuse to work with us, and they refuse to make any compromises - such as moving to Assisted Living where they will be safe 24/7. I have read books on Aging, and how to deal with our difficult and demanding Parents. The books say that we should be more understanding, and have more patience, and to put ourselves in their shoes. Well, I don't buy that. Our Parents will remain stubborn, and demanding, as long we do everything for them. The problem is that we may have elderly Mothers & Dads who may be sweet and loving, and they appreciate what we do for them. BUT, they do not realize, or refuse to see how much we have to sacrifice to take care of them. They will happily go and live with their Children, and they will put their blinders on and not see what it is doing to their Children's Families. As long as we do everything for our Parents, they will not have to make any decisions, or make any changes in their lives, that make them feel uncomfortable. Do not forget, we are the ones who have to make all of the sacrifices. and all of the changes to our lives, and make no mistake, this WILL cause a lot of stress for our Spouses and our Children. They also have to live with all of the sacrifices and changes too. Of course it is very upsetting and depressing to know that our Parents are aging, and getting more frail, and will have more illnesses, but someday, we will be in that situation too. The question to ask is: Will we be the same way, and will expect our Children to drop everything to take care of us? As for me, I have an Elderly Mother who is very stubborn and has refused every single type of outside help, she has already fallen down 4 times, and it is now a disaster waiting to happen. But, my Mother is just going along living her life the way she wants to, and not thinking about what her situation is doing to me and my Brother. Think about that.
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Your spouse is being childish and needy. I suspect he'd be this way even if you had the privacy for your intimacies. From the time I was four and on into adulthood my mother's father lived with us. My father and grandfather did not always get on (I never saw them disagree until I was older), but there was never any hint that my father resented my grandfather's presence.

Later on, my father's mother came to stay (she had alzheimers) and then my father's father. Families are meant to care for their elders as well as their children. What you and your brother need are in home caregivers. And maybe a daytime senior center where your mother could spend some the day so you and your spouse have personal time together.
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I think your husband is being really inconsiderate. You helped with his mother and kids. It's not full time 365 days a year. I hear all the statements about your husband coming first and I get mixed feelings about how about you coming first. Perhaps if you could get her in an assistant living situation? You could get then involved as much as possible. But then I forgot if you said your brother lives in same vicinity. But it may be best for all of you if it's a nice place. I don't envy you in this situation and wish you the very best of luck.
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I work as an Aging Life Care Professional and as a martial therapist. It sounds to me like you need to consider assisted living for your mom or having companion care come into your home a few days a week. You could also find a Gottman Method marriage therapist. If you are resenting your husband about your Mom's care there are other area of your marriage that are out of balance. This is a hard phase of your life you should start researching your next best step and get help.
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This is the woman who gave you life and brought you safely into this world, and placed her own life at risk, by doing so.

This is the woman who has shown YOU unconditional love no matter what.

This is the woman who dropped everything to run to be by your side whenever you needed her.

I am sorry but I could never not take my Mom in, if she ever needed that type of help, love, and support from me, and I would never ever place her in a nursing home.

Marriage means compassion, compromise, understanding, love, caring, respect, honesty, and acceptance, and it also means caring for our Parents in their most vulnerable time of need.

I could not live with myself if I ever made my elderly Parent feel like a burden, or feel unwanted and unloved.

I could never chose between my Mother and my Husband, as that is grossly unfair and truth be known if I had no other option or alternative if push came to shove, my Mother who sacrificed her life and needs had me and never abandoned me when I needed her most, so I would never ever make her feel she is not loved, or not wanted.

I would rather be dead than ever do that to my Mother, and if I had to chose my Mother would win, especially when she reaches an elderly state and needs me the most, and any husband with basic common sense would never place his wife in this type of position........because if it was his Mother, he would expect you to respect his Mom, and taught him right from wrong.

She gave birth to him and raised him to be kind, caring, compassionate, loving and understanding in all situations, and not only in this one.

Your Mom is old now and who knows how much time she really has left, treasure her, take photo's make video's, spend time with her, talk to her, write down any questions you need answers too, ask about your family history, do it all now because one day my dear you will have bitter grief and tears when God calls her home, and she is no longer there for you to even say Hi Mom I love you. How are you today?.

That bitter day came for my beloved elderly Mom 5 years ago when she died and I never got the chance to say I love you, Go to God and soon we will be together In heaven reunited again, and Mom thanks for everything, and you are and always have been the best Mom to me and for that I will always be grateful.I never said these words because my elderly ill Mom died suddenly, but before she died I took her into my place which is a 2 room apartment with no bedroom, just a 1 room studio and a kichenette.

Talk about absolutely no privacy, but we endured because we loved my Mom and her safety and knowledge what she was loved and wanted, and not a burden, was what we wanted her to always know.

My husband and I cared for her when she became multiply disabled, blind from diabetes and paralyzed in a hospital bed, but we loved her so and my husband adored her. She was the best Mother In Law he could have ever asked for and the best Mom, so at least our conscience is clear that we did everything in our power to make her remaining time on Earth, a more safe, and comfortable one, and she never felt alone and frightened amongst strangers.

You as her daughter have to live with yourself and you know what is right in this situation so YOU MUST MAKE THAT DECISION.

"this is your mother and she deserves the best of your care and support at this twilight time in her elderly years so love her now, show her you want her to spend time with you, and let her spend as much time in your home as is needed to work out that schedule with your brother.........that is the very least you can do for your mom, after all she has done for you, your husband, and everyone else.

" god bless your mom , and may god also watch over her every foot step, as she continues doing his work on earth and give you all the wisdom to accept what you cannot change, and the knowledge to help your mom in every way so when she does pass on she feels loved and not feeling like she was a burden to you and your husband!!
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StarBright777, just want to say I feel for you. I can understand your husband's fear if he is truly worried that it will become a permanent situation. It is hard in a small home because the elderly tend to set anchor in the most popular room in the house and it stops feeling like your own home. (My in-laws came and lived in our 800 sq ft home when we were newlyweds and it was painful.)

Having said that, a loving husband does not want his wife to hurt, and does not ask his wife choose between himself and other primary relationships. At the very least, he could be holding your hand through this and helping you think through options. Have you, your brother, and husband all sat and talked about this together yet? It might help to sit together and come up with contingency plans in case your mom's needs increase.

This website is full of posts by people whose lives are falling apart because they are caring for a parent without support or help from a sibling. You are trying to do right by all involved, and sound like a generous, conscientious, and loving person. I admire you for being so understanding of your brother.

Lots of people are telling you to put your husband first, but I'm sorry, I disagree. Your husband is not a baby. Part of being a grown adult is recognizing that sometimes other people's needs come ahead of your own due to extenuating circumstances. Old age and sickness are part of life, and when someone is very aged and infirm they just cannot do for themselves, the same way a child cannot. Your husband married into your family, just as you married into his. I hope he can see that the same qualities that made you a fantastic stepmom and daughter-in-law are the same that make you want to care for your own mom.
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My marriage is in trouble so I really didn’t feel like I should make a comment. However, in my mind and maybe the mind of your spouse, he may be feeling that a more permanent situation is coming soon. Two months become four. Four than becomes eight. Than bam, we are stuck.

You are stressing that your brother is tired, which means at one point, he may not accept mom back.

I don’t know you two personally. But from reading your post, I know there is a workable solution for all that will not require loving mom doing more time in your home.

It sounds like you have a good marriage, protect it.

Best wishes
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Here's what I think - I suspect that your husband wasn't as alright with the twice annual month long visits as you think. I suspect he was probably at the end of his acceptance and patience at 30 days but did his best to seem "alright" to please you and because he loves you. I suspect he knows any longer than the times mom is already spending with you and him would be more than he could deal with. I think he is probably looking at this now as you making a choice as to whom you're going to put first. Is this fair - given things you've done in the past for him? Well, sort of - I'm my opinion. When a person does things for another, shouldn't it be plainly because they choose to - without holding a marker to call some day in the future? That's pretty much how I look at doing "good deeds" - you do them of your own free will because you want to and choose to - expecting gratitude or repayment shouldn't be a part of the package - although appreciation certainly would be nice. But here's the thing - I fear this has or will become an issue that could irreversibly damage your marriage. If he gives in, will he always resent it, you and her? If you give in, will you be able to ever get past this? I honestly believe if you value your marriage, the two of you should see a marriage counsler prior to making any decisions about moms visits. I'm sorry, but that's my take on this.
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Star, a couple things jump out at me. First, your brother is asking that your mom stay with you more often and for longer duration. Also, you are so worried about her safety that you have rearranged your daily schedule. And finally he has said that when your mom is with you, he loses his wife. Many of us will tell you that competing with an elderly parent for ones spouse's attention and time......well, husbands have an uphill battle there. When a parent lives with you, you are in constant daughter mode.

Going out on a limb here...I think he's concerned that the visits will evolve into long stretches of time, as she needs more care and your brother becomes more burned out. Many caregivers find that you take a step and another, and one day, you wonder how you got where you are. I think you're looking at things as they are now, and he's looking at what it could evolve into.
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Starbright, I would love to slap your husband silly, because I don't like the way he has reacted either. But HE is your husband. He is not some other husband who can appreciate and even enjoy having your mother in his house. You are asking him to do something that he can't really STAND to do. It's not like you want to paint the house a different color. You are asking a lot. You are justified in asking, but he is justified in telling you what he can accept and what he can't.

What if he said yes to make you happy, but in two months he blew up because he couldn't stand it any more? This is a time when he is telling you something you don't want to hear, but he is really "treating you right" by being honest about it.

I hear how committed you are to taking care of your mother. Can you consider any other situation that would allow you to care for her without destroying your marriage?

Could she get an apartment or AL in your town, so you could see her every day? Could you use her money to build a first floor "master suite" where there would be no stairs to worry about and less intrusion into your family life? What would your husband think about you spending a month at her home? Try to be open to other possibilities that are acceptable to you and your husband.

Or you could just divorce him. I'm OK with that. Just don't think for a minute that you can get him to see that "it's only fair" that he should go along with this. As we all have to learn, what's fair and what happens, what exists, are often far apart. God bless you. It's a really tough one.
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