My dad passed away 5 years ago leaving mom on her own. She is 82 and suffers from no major illness but does take medication for her heart, and has uses a walker to get around due to knee operations and a fall she had 2 years ago. Mentally she has no problems but due to her age we limit alot of her activities such as using the stove and climbing any stairs when we are not present. Meals are also prepared for her with her participating when it is simple. My brother had been living with them due to dad's illness and continued to do so after dad passed away. We live 4 hours apart and we had agreed when my dad passed that my mom come for visits at our home 2 times a year for approx 1 1/2 months in order to give my brother a break. I also would go up to visit often and spend up to a week taking care of her doctor appointments and any other issues that needed to be taken care of.
My brother does not work in the winter therefore he was not concerned for that time period. It has now been 5 years and my brother is finding it harder and harder to care for her for long periods of time. He has requested that we take her more often for longer periods of time. For instance she would spend 2 months with us and then back to my her home for approx. 3 months and then back at my home for approx 2 months and so on. So it would be like sharing her so that both can have a break from the care. One of the issues is that my home is a small cottage so therefore there are stairs to go to the bedrooms where her home is a bungalow therefore much easier to care for and much easier if one has to go out to run errands and not have to worry about her using the stairs to go take a nap or go to bed. Therefore when she is at my home I worry so much that I spend the time scheduling everything around those times. For instance I will not leave the house till she is downstairs and had breakfast and ready for the day. I make sure I am home when she goes up for her nap or when it is time for her to go to bed. Being that it is a small cottage it means we are basically all together for most of the day....privacy is non existent. This puts alot of stress on my relationship with my husband as he feels we cannot do anything spontaneous and he feels when my mother is here he basically looses his wife and feels we have no privacy due to our home being small.
As time goes on me and my brother have realized that in a couple of years she will need much more care as with time and age she will demand more care and at that time we will make other decisions such as a home for elderly. She is ageing and new medical issues have started to appear. I have no issues with this arrangement my brother has proposed. My mother has always been there for me. She has always helped me at times when I needed her. Such as spending time away from her home and dad when I had several operations or for any other reason I may have needed her. She was always here for me at a moments notice. The problem is basically my husband who resents having my mother here for longer period of time than one month at a time. He feels two months at a time to long and is only ok with her visiting 2-3 times a year no longer than one month at a time. I feel torn and am resenting his lack of support. I have tried explaining that she is not yet ready to be in a home and when that time comes we will deal with it. For now I want to do this with all my heart. I cannot imagine placing my mom in a home at this time. This is causing alot of stress between me and my husband. I love him very much but I feel like he is asking me to choose between my mom and him. I find this selfish on his part and find that his lack of support a slap in the face.
My mom is not here 365 days a year why would he be so opposed with helping me and my brother care for my mom. She is not just my brothers responsibility but also mine. I am so stressed by this that I find myself crying daily. I never would of expected him to react in this manner. Am I wrong for feeling this way? We have been together for 21 years. Can our solid years together not be able to support this arrangement for a few years to come? I find myself not feeling I am becoming distant from him because I cannot understand why he would not want to support me with this. I find myseld asking "Who is this person" In tears while I am writing this and any suggestions would be appreciated . I apologize if I am rambling away but it feels so good to have gotten this off my chest. Thank you for any suggestions or insight to this issue.