How do you not feel resentful to older sister who isn't much help in caring for our mom?

Maybe one needs to ask himself/herself why? My sibling degraded me so bad and
mom believes everything she says (she feels that sis is the only one who will take care of her). I took care of mom in my home for over 2 months (after a terrible fall that caused a fractured vertebrae and ankle) and my sis couldn't have her in her home because her husband wouldn't allow it. I took her to all her medical appts. (which was plenty) and occ. to the stores for groceries or medicaine. Mom still lives alone. Sis says mom's doing so much better (didn't know dementia got better), and sis was cutting back on some of her meds. Mom doesn't want any communication from me as she was told that I am a "liar" and couldn't be trusted. I was accused of all kinds of things, so I let it be (though it hurt like hell to think one would even think I would do any of the things I was accused of). It took a lot for me to disengage from mom and my sister (and she was the sister that I got along so well when we were young)
Mom and I were so close and I think my sis was jealous and she wanted to make up for lost time with mom and how mom was treated by her when she was younger, along with not wanting to be home with her husband (she admitted this to me, also). It's ok (but still hurts that mom would do this to me), but I have my immediate family to take care of and I know that I'm doing this for my benefit, as well as my family's. Haven't seen mom for almost 2 yrs and she only lives about 11 miles away. My daughter and granddaughters go to see her once in awhile, but they make sure that my sis isn't there. She never asks about my husband (whom she loves dearly) or me. When I had called her, she was rude and even hung up on me. Still love my mom, and if she is doing better (which I pray she really is), then she should be ok without me. We do what we need to to save our sanity, I was ready for a melt down and finally took hold of myself. I can't let my sis or mom drag me down. "True joy, happiness, and inner peace come from the giving of ourselves to others. A happy life is a life for others." - Henri Nouwen

Response to country mouse .yes I am living in my mothers house. I pay for all utilities and groceries. I would like siblings to offer me a break now and then,and for them to spend time with mom. She misses them and would like to spend time with them . They r retired and I feel could make it happen if they really wanted to

I generally dislike government involvement, but there has to be a way for those of us who are doing everything for our parents, to at least get a tax credit....oh well that would probably just get abused. Ditto for any other "program." So there I go, the government couldn't possibly do anything to help us.
I guess it is up to each & every one of us, to make sure our Conscience and Souls and Hearts are clear, and free. We can choose to make a difference in our parents lives....even if we are not doing something else we really need to do, our parents won't live forever.
For those siblings who choose not to be involved, I don't know how you all cannot see. But that is the definition of sin....not seeing what needs to be done. Maybe it is dreadful for me to accuse these siblings of being sinners, but in my tiny little overburdened soul, it seems to me to be very much true.
I do believe there is a God or Goddess who is Seeing all this....maybe there will be some type of....Balance at some point.

I'm with you too! I have three sisters myself and have some help over the last year and half, but slowly their backing out. One of my sisters backed out immediately since my father passed away and her pocket change was suddenly gone. Just within the last couple weeks the others don't want to help. I'm going to spend their portion of their inheritance before mine.

Thanks to all of you for your comments and support. Good luck to all

Amen!!!!!Preaching to the choir here. I am the 2nd of two children, by brother 5 years older. My husband and I moved in with my parents 9years ago next month, to help them. My brother didn't help when he lived with his family two houses and away, and proceeded to get angry when I told him that the babysitting for his 3 boys was going to take place in his home, or it wasn't happening cause me and Hubby had a right to peace at what is now our home too. He has since moved about a 11/2 hour away, and doesn't lift a finger to do anything, even call to check on HIS parents. I personally can't take anymore and mom is in nursing home. Dad seems to think he can handle her problems on his own and is looking into moving into subsidy housing with her, cause I told him I can't do this anymore with mom's dementia and other issues from strokes. I am by myself, and I don't want to have to worry about aides showing up for their jobs, or robbing me blind, things that have happened to others I know. Don't get me wrong, I have friends who are aides to the elderly, and would never take anything from anyone, and work their butts off. But, you never know who is being sent to you, or if they will even show. I just need a good break from all this for a good while. It really hurts to have to make these kind of decisions, but I have to take care of me too.

emjos input sticks in my head. better the siblings stay away than to come around and cause grief and confusion. dementia care, especially, is complicated and someone not in the frame of mind to study and learn is probably just going to upset the tranquility in the home.
my oldest sister and my niece meant well but they treated mom like a child and caused her frustration and resentment.
dementia care is very much phsyc / emotional care and imo is an aquired skill.

My siblings do help some, ( other nearby relatives do absolutely nothing) but the majority falls on me and sometimes I would like for them to be here for about one week to see all the stuff that I have to deal with. I tried setting up an account on lotsahelping hands, and they would never give the service their email. The other day, they told me that my emails were going in the junk folder ( gee, thanks)
Only thing that I can say is what my mother said - their day will come when they need help, and they will see what it's like to need help, and she said that one day I will be rewarded for what I have done.
I would tell anyone who does ' not have the time' that they could help financially by giving money to hire an errand service or home helper.

Jennifers, I like your post; however, I don't agree that refusal to do hands on care is unfair, assuming that help can be paid for, or a reasonable nursing home found. I know that many elders hate the idea of a facility, BUT the fact is that we all of us have to put up with things we don't like in the course of our lives, and I don't see that this changes just because we get old, nor should we expect it to.

Can your sister contribute by paying for a caretaker? Is it possible to present the facts to her so she can see how much it would help? Some siblings will just not do the day to day care, no matter how unfair it is.

When my uncle, age 62 died (he lived with and cared for my grandmother 89 at the time), I was retired and could assumed the role of caretaker. Even though I was 200 miles (3 1/2 hours drive on a good day with no traffic) away and was currently overseeing my Mom's help.

My siblings had died, and my only other Uncle was no help. My (sister's daughters only issue for next generation) nieces (who mom and I raised) decided we would take care of Nana and Grandma (my Mom). Both nieces lived within two doors of Nana and Mom respectively. So I traveled every other week to alternate locations to oversee the care being given and to manage the households.

Where were my 6 cousins? This was a good question. Two were out of state, the rest were within 100 miles from her.

I asked for help (trimming huge tree branches, painting, fixing the roof, and removing all of the stuff from the Garage, etc.). Things I couldn't possible do by myself and there was no money to hire anyone to do it.

One cousin came out to collect their father's things (truck, motorcycle, jewelry, photos, etc), trimmed one tree (did more damage than good) and left.

My Mom (who lives with me) was in a walker and could not do anything physically to help, but she called everyday (the call was forgotten after the phone was hung up) and SENT CARDS AND LETTERS, which could not be forgotten.

I asked each and every cousin to please write to Nana, explaining that seconds after hanging up the phone, she forgot who had called. Other than my Mom and Nieces, no calls or cards. Ok, anyone can forget her actual birthday, but mother's day, grandparents day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter?

This lasted for 6 1/2 years, until she died.

Here is my advice. If you are caring for someone, you are doing what you feel, you are supposed to do. Others don't feel the same duty, obligation, blah, blah, blah. Don't do things in ANGER, it is all consuming and your parent may feel that you are angry with them.

Anger usually stems from fear of having no control in your life. Don't let yourself get angry, just accept that you are related to a bunch of people, who have oposite opinions about the needs, etc.. and give it up to God.

Revel in the fact, that when your time comes, for needing help, you have gained a lot of experience on how to care for someone and know exactly who NOT TO CALL for help.

Lastly, bask in the glory of Pure Love. AND When You See God, everyone does at the end, you will have Honored Your Mother/Father.

Look at it differently. Seek help from others. Know you are Appreciated. Trust that this is happening for a reason, even if it is unclear what the reason is right now.

Nana said to me, my first year taking care of her, "thank you for being here in my golden years". One day in year 6 she said "oh, you really are my grandson, it's not just a pet name".

Conclusion, before she forgot who I was, she knew she was going to be taken care of. After she forgot who I was, she knew, whoever I was, I was going to take care of her.

I am also the primary caregiver for my mom who is 92. I have three siblings who don't help. Two don't even come over to visit and one lives here and just takes advantage. While a family meeting to discuss the care of our parents and how we can manage everything fairly seems the logical thing to do in a perfect world, it just isn't happening in this family!!

After much too much complaining to friends and trying to get help from my siblings, I have decided that it's better to just forget them and put all my energy into helping my mom . I'm working on letting go of all the resentment that I have held onto for a long time. I'm trying to think of myself as being an only child, since when it comes to helping my mom, I am the only child!!

I also have felt as you do now, very lonely and isolated. However, I also am starting to feel good inside too. I feel like the work I am doing, exhausting though it may be at times, is important and is making a huge difference for my mom. Because of me she gets to stay in her own home, take vacations, go out everyday to her favorite restaurant and is happy.

Your mom is lucky to have you because you obviously care a great deal for her. I wish you the very best and while I hope that your siblings come around, I say, don't hold your breath!! Just carry on as though you didn't have them. Don't wait for them to step up. Best of luck!!!

Rosa, I know where the sense of humor went. Captain hardass on here has got it. Anyone whose been reading his posts can tell you more!

I haven't noticed that stepping up has saved me from regular sinning - wrath and sloth definitely undiminished, alas, though I'm happy to report that lust seems to have gone for good. I suppose that's something...

I wouldn't have agreed to help in the first place. I was sorry that my sister ruined her life and health trying to please mom. Mother was and is a bigot and a racist. I won't listen to it for 5 minutes. She is educated and was married 3 times. She is not a backwards person that doesn't know better. She recently said that she thinks the worse of everyone. Nice. My surviving sister and I are very happy that Mother is healthy and active at the NH. She just went there about 5 years, too late.

Lynnmary while agree that those that step up are truly blessed I don't agree that those who don't are in anyway bad people or "sinful" in any way. Not everyone has the ability or whatever those who do step up have. Those who choose a nursing home are no better or worse then those that care for there parents at home. Those that let siblings take on the burden are also no better or worse. Everyone does what they are capable of its just are more capable than others. It doesn't make them a bad person. As for the OP I think one family meeting to see what everyone is willing to do or not willing to do is important so she knows where she truly stands and can make decisions accordingly. No one should feel forced to take on the enormous responsibility of caring for an elderly parent and the shouldn't be bad mouthed because they know there limits and choose other options including letting a sibling take that on. We can't control others decisions or actions all we can do is control what we can do.

Oh yes! Caring for aging parent that needs 24/7 caregiver is hard and isolating. You have to try to put your emotions on the back burner (very hard to do I know) Next I would call a family meeting and let them know you can't do it alone. For your own sanity you need to consider a nursing home. I know we never want to put our parent in one but the reality is we all have our limits as to what we can do. Most have a good 2 year wait for a spot so you have to think where she may be at 2years from now and if you think you can continue to do this alone. We had to put my FIL in a home because his care was more than I could provide where for now my MIL is still living with us. I felt so guilty when we had to put my FIL in the home but now that he is there I can see it truly was the best choice. He is getting the care he needs and deserves. Care I know I couldn't have provided.
Remember you still need time and a life for YOU too. Other options adult day care so you have time for you, or an in home nurse/companion a few days a week again so you can get a break. Its OK to give yourself permission to do yourself too.
If siblings object then tell them if they don't agree the are welcome to take her to their home and care for her.

Flipperboy, I certainly understand your position and feelings. I am going through a similar situation with a great aunt who was being targeted by several individuals who were taking advantage of her. She is also experiencing financial distress since my great uncle passed away in 2006. I was approached by a few of my siblings who all stated "we" need to help her and it eventually landed in my lap. When I approached one of my sisters to help, she stated she wasn't emotionally invested! What?? Left out on limb, I tried to handle everything on my own. I am not in the financial position that my sister is in, so I was truly becoming very resentful. My great aunt has cognitive issues and is totally non-compliant, which makes matters worse. She finally collapsed and had to receive a pacemaker. I was at the point of having a heart attack or stoke, so I stepped back and decided to get an aid 4 hours per day to keep her from wondering off when she left the house. I do not live with her. We live in different counties. Since I did that, it has allowed me more time to focus on my schooling and job search. My suggestion is to check into community services (i.e., adult day care programs where they pick your mom up and bring her home), or check into having an aid come to the house a few hours per day or an aid that can come to the house one or two evenings per week so you can go out to dinner or a movie. Figure out what it will cost and ask your siblings to chip in to pay for the services (if the insurance does not cover it). I would also check into long-term care programs or insurance to see if this will cover these services. If your community has a senior program offered through your local county or state government, that is another place to look. Unfortunately, when family won't help, we have to focus on finding help through community services, so we don't resent our loved one when the responsibility is placed on our shoulders. I believe feelings of resentfulness is normal to a degree, and the best thing we can do for ourselves so these feelings don't escalate is to find resources (and they are out there) to help us. You cannot forget about the most important person through this process . . . . which is you. After all, if we don't take care of ourselves, we certainly cannot take care of anyone else. The last point: check into caregiver support groups so you have people you can share your experiences and feelings with. Trust me when I say that you are not alone. Support groups allow us to vent in a "safe environment" and also provides the resources needed to get through the isolation and loneliness. I have tried to vent to family and friends, but no one wants to hear it. Caretaking becomes the "unapproachable" subject. Find ways to socialize because it is very important to keep your spirits up. Best of luck to you.

I have three siblings, all who love either within walking distance or a one to five minute drive away and none if whom help at all except to literally sometimes provide their (unsolicited) advice as to what it am doing wrong or how I could do more by telephone. They don't stop by. So yes I understand how you feel and you are NOT alone. I try to ignore them when they make their remarks and as for the resentment, I try, but don't always succeed, in reminding myself that resentment hurts me, not them, and as you know, we have enough on our plates. One day, they will be left with regrets, you will know you went above and beyond the call of duty to be a caregiver. You may even find your closure there because you must be a naturally compassionate person, I bet you will find not just forgiveness for their inaction now, but you will be a great comfort and source of strength for them too.

Think you have been given some good hints etc... Don't let resentment take the last of your energy.. IF they are not offering maybe they think you are coping. Yes you have other responsibilities but they need you as well as your siblings have their to attend to.. write out a list of what your Mother needs, and send it to the family to say what they will pick up and what suits them best. Do NOT say what you can do.. when they mention that, reply that you will pick up the rejects. otherwise its your planned help and rejects you get. My younger sister because she was closest, had a good 10yrs of both parents to care for, and after a messy time after Pa died, I am now the one closest [geographically, only] to where Ma is. Her memory is gone, [she remembers how she doesn't like me tho] so I don't visit as much as I would if she had full mental capacity. and I see that she is physically is OK. There is one lazy sister, and one bro who lives overseas. Id rather the lazy sister not be involved as if anyone can blab, cause upsets, be a PITA its her. and so with those not involved I don't involve.. all are capable of phoning. I like dysfunctional families !!! I am not going to be like Rosa and lose my humour... I will do my thing ;)

Sad reading how many families go through this "desertion" of the elder when they need care ! I've been dealing with this for eight years now, Mom is 95 and I can says, these who step up and care for the elder parent while all there siblings turn away, are blessed people! I know how hard it is, believe me, but you stay and care for them because you are wise and sane unlike your siblings. You are the one with integrity, grace and honor, and they, well who knows what deadly sins they practice daily. Bottom line, be the loving person you are, be proud of the love which drives you to care, and stay away from the miscreants..you family members who selfishly deserted the elder! Keep good company , with good people, and get time off and support from loving friends.

No amount of "family meetings" will make an unwilling sibling step up.

Flipperboy, two questions:

1. Are you living in your mother's home?
2. What would you like your siblings to do?

omg, HolyCow...I could be the one who wrote your post! Sooo similar. hang in there. I know you will.

I am living the same situation. I have two siblings and one lives in the house with my mother and I. For the past 8 years or so I have been her caregiver, it was bestowed upon me as I was on disability and they worked, so I was home and could do it in their eyes. I am basically free labor so Mom can keep her money and there is the hope that it will be inherited someday... at my expense.

I am POA but I am punished for it. It is felt that I have the title so I should also do ALL the work! I honestly feel like a slave at times. When I brought up the subject of needing help it was met with hostility and being screamed at that she was not going to work all day then come home and work....Ummm I work from morning to evening with no let up, I run to my bedroom at night to pay bills and balance checkbooks then fall asleep and start over. She works part time but stays at work with no pay so she doesn't have to come home and help! Other sister lost her husband and has young kids and is fighting to keep her house so she works long hours, so she can't help.

I trimmed the huge tree today, raked the yard, worked on the roof, ran in and fixed dinner to have it on the table at 5pm...Mom's dinner time. Sister said she was visiting with a friend and "would try to make it." She made it an hour after dinner was over. When I don't cook I get an attitude that I am falling down on the job, when I cook she doesn't show....can't win for losing!

After I asked for help and had a blow up, she vacuumed once and it was over. She is rude to my mother and I think she does it so I won't leave her with Mom. When I asked for help she also told me that I could not leave the house on the weekend without her approval, because she has things to do too. To that I said bull---t! She is gone 5 days a week from 7 to at least 6 each night, as far as I am concerned, she needs to take care of her errands during the time she is suppose to be home, everyone gets a day off and I am taking mine! Sometimes I wish so badly that a friend had a guest house that I could rent for cheap and I would leave this house on Friday night and return on Monday morning just to have rest, peace and quiet!

Sometimes I don't think it is such a good idea to be competent....the more competent you are, the less competent everyone else becomes. They are glad to let you handle EVERYTHING because it means they did not have to! I think there should also be a law in every state that if you do not help with the care of your parent, you are no entitled to any inheritance from the parents estate. It seems that when money is involved they all have something to say or rush to find out where you are spending it, otherwise they don't give a damn.

If you have decent siblings you may be able to have a meeting and get help from everyone, the majority of us are not able to do this.

Best of Luck to you! I feel your pain!!!

Comments on a situation where one sib wants to control everything - they say they want help, but really they just want servants to do things their way. Is it fair to expect siblings' help when you won't listen to what they say? If the other sibs would rather parents' funds be used for their care, either in their home or in a facility of some kind, what is wrong with that? If they think the parent belongs in assisted living or a nursing home, and the money is there, what is wrong with that? I don't agree that siblings should necessarily "step up" for hands-on care when there are other reasonable alternatives, and I don't think we are obligated to do what a parent prefers - we have some rights too..

Did I write this question?? If you look back at your childhood I would bet they never did anything then either. I would bet that you did it all. I read this one the other day: When parents are ill or dying or old this is the opportunity for siblings to come together and bond for the rest of their lives, or for resentments to build up for the rest of their lives.
Just know that you will be able to live the rest of your life knowing you are a GREAT person. I told my sister I don't care anymore if you see Dad or not and I don't. She didn't help me like she said she would. I was so mad at her and it will never be the same between us. It hurt me so bad that she was not there for me. I will never ask her for help again. She is my sister so I have to love her because it is mandatory but I get to chose who I like and share my life with. Good luck, we all feel for you and know exactly what you are going through. You are never going to change them, you can only change yourself and your thoughts. And about having a meeting THEY should be coming to you asking you what you need!!! And if they are not doing that they are never going to help you. You can ask them for help, you can cry, beg , scream, yell for help and it isn't going to matter. They don't have the take care of someone gene in them, other wise they would be there and you would NEVER have to ask for help. Thank you for taking care of your Mom.And when you can't handle any more she will have to go to a nursing home. Just wait until you get to deal with that one. Make them do that part. And tell them that now. So they can think about it as they are living their carefree lives.

My sister is probably on this forum, complaining that I don't do much. She is probably one of the above.

Maybe we should sent all of our siblings the now 62 posts.. but it still wouldnt matter. They just dont get and never will.

No regrets...from all of the "Givers" We will just have to fend off the "Takers" When our Mom or Dad goes Home.

Arm yourselves for the "Pity Party" Personally, I'm not willing to grieve with any of them. They will be on their own as I am Now!

Unfortunately, welcome to the club. As you see from so many responses, they're are so many of us in your shoes. checkyd I really like your response. It took me a while to accept the fact I won't get help from my sisters. The resentment has subsided, but it's still there. Life is unfair isn't it? But you're the better person, and your mom is so lucky to have you. Hope you find a way to get time to yourself. This is the most difficult job in the world.