I am a caregiver to my 87-year-old mother in my home. She reported me for elder abuse. How do I deal with that?

Some of us had grandparents (WW I generation) who also lived to ripe old ages. My mother's widowed father was one, and he tried to guilt my mother into moving into his house which was 250 miles away in a little village in central PA. My mother (now almost 92) was bothered by this, but a minister told her that her first responsibility is to her husband and not her father. He also thought I should move there, and when my mother asked how I would support myself, his answer was that I could work in a coal mine--my mother retorted that she and my father hadn't put me through college and grad school to work in a coal mine (no offense intended to any coal miners on this forum!). He had lived in my parents' house (in metro NJ) during the winter, and when he wanted to go back home, my mother tried to get outside people to help with meals and basic cleaning. Well, he fired the first one in a couple days because she didn't know where everything in the house was located, and then he fired a second one because her grandfather and my grandfather apparently didn't get along well who knows how many decades earlier. Eventually, we had to put him into a nursing home. My father commented that my grandfather "gambled [on my mother moving to take care of him] but lost".

I wouldn't want to generalize that all people of that generation or the following one (WW II) are like that. My mother's mother was extremely generous--and our family regretted that she died before my grandfather even though she was born a full decade (and during different centuries!) after he was. They would have gladly brought her to live with them and she would have been happy to do so.

How come the police are acting on reports about your selves but when I ask them to look at what my sister has done to my mother by stealing her money they refuse to act

Sorry I see I posted this on someone else's discussion by mistake.

.The reason I put it like that was to see what people would think if they saw it in the paper. Unfortunately it's my mum and dad, how could she be so cruel. There's nothing wrong with my dad's head he can stick up for himself but he won't with this. They just go on at me, he doesn't want to go in a care home she wont let him have his bed downstairs. I've lect it in the hands of the social workers.

June, I'd think there's more to the story, and it sounds like a private matter anyway. How is this news?

"Wife age 78 won't adapt home for disabled 87 year old husband so he has to go in a care home." If this headline in your local newspaper what would you think?

Thundergirl, This is a toxic relationship that you have described. You and your mother cannot live together anymore. She must live elsewhere. My suggestion is that you find living arrangements for her....an apartment or a rented condo.
Tell her that it is better for her that she leave. Then take her there. You, of course, will have to pay for it.. That's life. She may be 80, but she can live on her own. Lots of eighty year-olds do. Your boys will benefit from a new arrangement also.
Good Luck!

I guess knocking someone upside the head when nobody is looking is out of the question???? Too bad. I think some cameras that are on auto pilot make a lot of sense, it seems they might be really necessary should everyone become so hostile - even the patients! This is unbelievable... maybe identity theft isn't so bad, afterall. At this point, I don't think I could give mine away...

I invited my mom to stay with me while she was looking for a place to stay. She moved down south into my home because the winters were getting to much for her in NY. She has been with me a total of 3 weeks and called the police and reported elder abuse. The first time she threaten me with it is when I told her firmly, she was not to call me names and degrade me, I meant it. We had just had a bout of her calling me names, telling me I had no soul (because I didn't want to eat breakfast). She has verbally abuse all her kids (4) and husbands (4) since I can remember and I am the only one left that will even talk to her (was the only one). I don't know what to do because I am concerned about my job and my kids (she also reported them for abuse). This time she was mad because I started not to pay attention to her foolishness. She flew out of the house in a rage because my kids (19 and 21 year old boys) didn't say Hi to her when they came into the room. It was pouring out, she's 80 (she all there mentally and physically), so I said tomy self the heck with it, let her get all wet. When she returen to the house drenched and found us all talking and wathing TV as usually, she went nuts. She stood right in front of me (I was sitting) and starting yelling at me how "rotten I was" how "I sleep all day" (I work 12hrs at night, "How I'm no good" etc...I asked her 1 couple of times to move out from in-front of me. She refused and went on how she din't have to move any where. I then told her she was giving me a heart attack (my heart felt like it was going to explode it was beating so fast). Then she leaned in so close I could feel her spit hit my face and said "What about my GD heart? Look what you rotten kids have done to me!" I stood up and towered over her reaching my limit. I cussed at her telling her to get the F away from me. My kids came to the rescue and one told her she could not talk to me that way, that she was a guest in our house. The other just cried and kept saying, "just kick her out mom, just kick her out." We all had to go to work in an hour and I said let's go now. Even as we were getting into our cars she followed us outside and keep the argument going (for all the neighbors to hear of course). Next thing I know the police are calling me to speak to my kids and they had removed her from the house (which was good because that ended my 3 week nightmare of abuse from her). I don't know how this is going to end up. Of course she is playing the poor 80 year old grandma who is being abused, just like she played the poor wife who was abused by her husbands who were also tortured by her insults, depression and yelling to the breaking point. None of us hit her but I was not far from it, that scared me and my kids too (they have never seen anything like this Drama before). I kept them intentionally away from her while they were little. She has literally drained all the happiness and goodness (temporary) from my spirit, it's surreal.

For 3pinkroses--when I was reading your post I had to check who wrote it to be sure that it wasn't a post I had placed myself, it was so familiar, right down to the fact that you had a lovely father whose life was single handedly ruined, just as I did. The thing about your post that really made my eyes fly open was your observation that maybe this generation really IS one of entitlement and abuse of their children. Of course, not all parents are like this, but do you see the trend here? We all seem to be saying and experiencing much of the same things. My brother and his wife got burned out with all the complaining, scheming, lying and told her to fend for herself. They didn't put her out of their home, they just cut her off, including getting her own groceries and food and rides everywhere she had to go. She is in good enough shape, mentally and physically that she did quite well getting all her needs met on her own. Funny what they manage to do when forced to, isn't it? It goes to show that in so many cases, the caretakers are doing lots of enabling. It could have been an harmonious existence, had she behaved in a half civil manner to my brother and his wife. She decided to stop talking to me when I wouldn't side with her against them. Lovely.

Libracat, I agree with what the others are suggestion to get away from the situation. You can use your phone to download music n put the earplugs on and crank it up to get a break. Their are some free online radio stations you can get on your phone as well.
I know arguing with the mnl is no use but their are times it is just hard to bite your tongue. I am getting a lot better for I caught myself yesterday. The mnl mention about getting her hair trimmed and I told her she got it done a month ago and if anyone was going get their hair done would be me. Its been over a yr since my hair has seen a hairstylist with my poor straight n stringy uneven mess. Not to mention, I had to sat right by her when she got her hair done so I would be in her sight. Of course, she didn't remember and thats when I realize its the AD and why argue. That would only raise my blood pressure n sugar up and their was no point to make for she would forget in about 5 minuets. Why waste your breath n energy. Of course, I am saying this now but I'm learning more here and by education myself about AD and it has helped me some. I hope you can find a way to understand it is not her but the illness and some of it may be her for my mnl was always anti-social and she was always right. Hey go with the flow n excuse yourself from the situation and put on some funky music. ; )

195Austin -- been there!!

Agreed, PunchnJudy, that they are miserable because the end of their life is near (and I don't envy them that!!) but what do you do when they've been like this all their lives?

Thanks for all the above comments. To 3pinkroses, my mom is coming off Medicare on May 3. She has progressed as much as possible without being weightbearing on the right leg. She becomes private pay until the doc allows her to put weight on her right leg? The rehab facility will not let her stay because she is not progressing. I am going to let social services help with finding a place for her.

As I mentioned above, I'm not sure being an only child is a blessing! I'm am consistantly getting the "Bad Daughter" award. I'd really like someone to share that with! However, I am getting better at walking out! I'd really like to share my mom's final days since it's just the two of us - I have no family other than her. I just put all of this in my "God bag". I simply have to take it a day at a time, do the best I can and let God take care of the rest.

I am so fortunate to have found this website. Others (daughters in particular) who understand how a parent can be so hurtful and unappreciative. I'm sitting here as it write this with tears dripping off my cheeks because I'm so grateful for your comments and caring. Thank you all and may God bless you!

Ah Austin, very sad. I have a story about mom and dad. Dad was healthy until about 80. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's after a fall at the mall. I mentioned to mom how his hands would shake. Her comment was, "oh he is jsut getting old and you don't understand." Hmmmmmmm.

Well, doctors put him on meds that helped the Parkinsons greatly. After about a year he developed colitius. Mom was convinced it was the Parkinsons meds and he should stop taking them. Doctor said no way, keep taking the meds. She wouldn't let it go. However, dad developed severe diareah (sp?), but mom wouldn't take him to the doctor. My daughters both RNs talked to him about the dangers of losing so much fluid. Still no one would listen to me, to my daughters and my brother was like a knot on a log and did nothing. Dad got worse, he fell in the backyard and couldn't get up. Mom told me he just laid there and yelled, "Help"......she mocked him when telling this story.

Finally, my brother lost his temper and yelled at mom that she had to take dad to the Gastro doctor for the colitius. She wasn't happy but before she could Dad couldn't get out of bed. She called 911 and he lingered one month and died.

He had a heart attack from the lost of fluids, as my daughers told mom he would. She complained about all the doctors that saw him (that in her medical opinion he didn't need), argued he didn't have a heart attack (doctors had meeting with mom and brother to tell them he had) and several years later, she would still tell the story of him falling in the backyard to "get attention".

Now, how do you continue to love and care for someone like this? Maybe some on here can, maybe they are better people than me. But at some point you have to realize these are not nice people. Never have been, never will be.

P.S. She bitched about the cost of the funeral for 4 years, 4 freaking years, and it didn't cost her a penny. Now at 81 she has almost one million dollars. And no one. Karma

My Mom's doc should have retired 20 yrs ago but he uses charm on her and he can do no wrong even when he did not find her spinal fracture a few yrs ago and actually told her it was great her driving a car at 92 -my son said we should tell to go around the city with her driveing-I have learned to detach and she has lost her power to hurt me any more-I took back that power and when she started to complain about my bil yesterday I ended the conversation real quick-but why should I think she will change when I was a kid I was deathly sick and she told me it was in my head so why would I think she would be nice now at 93-the only thing can do is limit my exposure to her.

Would it be a possibility for your mother to stay in the rehab she is presently in? Do they have a skilled nursing section? If the doctor says she cannot go home without 24 hr. care, than you have to find and pay for in-home care, or she would have to stay there. Medicare will only pay as long as the patient is improving; after that, they are to be discharged. If she does not have much money, you can talk to the social worker at the rehab and perhaps they have long term care where you pay privately until money is down to $2,000 where you can then apply to medicaid. I'm sure the social worker can fill you in on all the details.

As said above, the aides are aware of every trick in the book; and even when my mother continues to lie to the workers about me; I shrug it off and honestly don't care anymore. It gets really old, really fast. Depending on her needs, she might qualify for assisted living in a facility accepting medicaid.

Use whatever coping strategies work for you. I also find that leaving the room after a short visit works (sometimes I am told to leave when I just get there) - so I do despite the fact that I just travelled 2 hours to visit. Then on the road for a total of 4 hours and she would not even let me in her room. After episodes like this, I don't see her as often. She enjoys lashing out at me, making me the bad guy - I'm finally not caring anymore or trying to anyway. She is well taken care of; just remember that - they receive good care even if they complain about it. I have a close relationship with the nurses and social workers. My mother is also in one of the nicest nursing homes in her area. Hugs and take care.

I feel so sorry for you, reading this. Here we are again, doing our best to be a good daughter and it flies in your face. I think the best advice I can give you is to know that it is NOT you, you've only done good for your mother. There is some need to lash out and blame, and I am thinking more and more from reading these posts that my hunch is correct, that they know their time on earth is limited and there is angst and anger coming out of them and then need to direct it toward someone--and as they say "you always hurt the one you love." I am sure that "diet" comment hurt your feelings greatly. What these parents don't understand is that comments like that only make you want to eat more. Any degree of tact they had in the past has somehow faded away, and unfortunately, until they are gone, you just find mechanisms to help you cope. When your mom gets "ugly" with you, take her hand and tell her softly "Mom, if you hurt my feelings I'm just going to leave until you can be nicer." And don't worry, the aides are well aware of every trick in the book.

Well, I really can't post anything here that hasn't already been said other than "I"M SO DAMN GLAD I FOUND THIS WEBSITE!" My 90 year old mother is currently in rehab for a broken leg that she suffered while out "weeding her condo". I've tried so very hard to explain to her that she shouldn't be sleeping on the second floor (she has two bedrooms and two baths on the first floor). I was so afraid she would fall down the steps. I begged and pleaded with her not to weed the yard as that is paid by the monthly maintenance fee. Whatever I said to her went in one ear and out the other. She is getting physical therapy and they have taught her to use the slide board to transfer with the help of an aide. Last week she rang for the aide and became inpatient because she didn't answer quickly so she transferred herself from the wheelchair to the bed and didn't even lock the wheelchair first! She has complained about everything about the rehab center I placed her in. Incidentally, it is the best in my city!

I have made a decision to walk out of the rehab center whenever she starts complaining. Then she cries and tells the aides how I mistreat her! Says she doesn't understand why I am mad at her.

Recently I went into her room and the first thing she said to me was "you better get on a diet." I thought, well mom must be getting better! She's getting back to her old self.

I am an only child. I have so much on my plate that I'm just worn out with worry. She doesn't have a lot of money and I just don't know what I am going to do with her. She's so uncooperative with me - doesn't like any decisions I make for her. I've honestly done my best. I'd appreciate any thoughts from anyone!

OMG, sounds so familiar - the "get me this or that" without even a little please before it or "if you don't mind." Demanding and a sense of entitlement. I agree with the post above. STOP DRIVING YOURSELF NUTS. Let her eat her stash of junk. When she feels sick enough from it all, she will realize you were right, but even at that, if she gets sick it will somehow be your fault for not taking good enough care of her. This is the manipulative treatment that I am talking about in my other post. You will be damned if you do and damned if you don't--so, go and enjoy lunch with your daughter, dinner with your husband, leave her the TV dinner and quit the guilt trip. It's a lousy trip anyway with no gratification at the end. Live your life, get her her banana muffin and when she is in a diabetic coma, call 911. Sound pretty callous, don't I? Sorry. It's just knowing how being a child of a parent like this makes your own physical and mental health go down the drain. I was on my way to getting another ulcer (already had them at 14 yrs. old, thanks to stressing about my mother, and I am not exaggerating) and I am applying the "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" philosophy.

Libracat, you are taking such wonderful care of your mother under such demanding, stressful a situation. By preparing the healthy meals; you are hopefully preventing a stroke or heart attack that could leave her bedridden. Due to her personality she will never appreciate it, but I applaud you for sticking to your guns. If we were to allow them to eat anything they wanted, the ramifications would be astounding. It would be easy to let her eat anything she wants - don't think going into a diabetic shock would be pleasant for her or anyone.

You are doing the hardest job in the world giving her the best quality of life. You can feel good about this and all the thoughtful things you do for her - she will never give you credit and will find something to complain about.

As with my mother - it is never her, never wrong, etc. etc. etc. If you didn't feed her the right foods, you would feel neglectful; but you are doing exactly the right thing. It's unfortunate that she doesn't appreciate all that you do, all the UNSELFISH things to do, yet she says you are selfish. My mother is in a nursing home and I can walk away. If my mother lived with me; I know I would have to respond to many of her allegations. Sometimes, you have to in order to keep your sanity. But, ITS NEVER THEM as you said; narcissistic behavior is a personality disorder, but they do know what they are doing and saying - it's total manipulation and control, but that doesn't make it right and in many instances there is no excuse for it. I feel so often like responding to my mother's negativity; but don't since she is in the nursing home and don't want her causing anymore problems than she already does.

My MIL lived with us - another narcissistic behavior - I personally found it not healthy (for me, anyway and for my children to keep everything inside) I often responded to her and her complaining and encouraged my teen-age daughter to as well. In many instances it did help - it doesn't change them, but when they live with you and you are doing everything for them, including dealing with the incontinence( in my MIL case) - their constant complaining is poisonous, and there are times you just have to respond. God bless you, you are such a wonderful daughter with the biggest heart. Take care of YOUUUU too if u can.

Libra cat, she is projecting onto you to make you feel bad. She sounds pretty narcissistic to me. She sound just like my mother. My mother is not sick at the moment, but she just refuses to listen to anyone about anything she doesn't want to hear.

Mom eats TV dinners, 1. because they are cheap and 2. because she is lazy and will not fix herself anything, and she is capable. I gently told her the sodium is off the charts in those things but she doesn't care. So let her eat them. And by the way her cholestrol is over 400 total.She takes no meds and when I started taking a low dose med for high cholestrol, she told me all the problems statins cause. My response was, "What? You would have me have a heart attack?" No talking to her. The doctors don't know anything.

After a while you have to let these people go. They will suck you dry. Your mother will suck the life from you. It would be better if she didn't live with you. As punchnjudy said they are just born this way, nasty. Mom's father was a selfish guy but her mom the sweetest woman I ever knew. Mom took after her dad. :(

My brother and I just let her do what she wants. When she has the big stroke or heart attack and if she survives, she will go to a home. That is what she has told us all our lives, how she doesn't want to be a bother so she has to save ALL her money for a nursing home. I am serious. Well by damn, that is where she is going.

I am lucky i live in another state, but I do know, I could never put up with her nonsense. So i guess I am glad she saved all that money ;)

By the way, I forgot to add that eating a diet like this that she has been doing for 50 yrs. is what got her into four different hospitals for three months, caused the blocked arteries and three heart attacks, countless falls and fainting and diabetes - but if you comment on it "I guess I'm you're whipping boy.......you must need someone to pick on to make yourself feel better". It's NEVER HER...........

I finally broke out of "prison" yesterday to go shopping yesterday with my daughter to get some things for my new home. I hadn't been out in two months.
As I'm leaving, my mother says "You can get me a banana muffin while you're out" (never mind that she is a diabetic and has high blood pressure, has had three blocked arteries and three heart attacks so these giant muffins are practically artery cloggers in a paper wrapping).
Me: "I don't know if I will be anyplace to get you one but I'll try".
Her: "Well forget about it then! I just don't know where you get your selfishness..........you must take after your father".
The point being: 1) never mind the inconvenience to me - the last time I checked, they don't sell muffins in hardware stores; 2) the whole thing is that you are NOT to be eating things like that and you have heard that from your own doctor; 3) it's all about what YOU want; 4) forget about my efforts in trying to keep you healthy and alive!!
A lot of people have said to me - leave her alone, she's old, she's sick, let her eat what she wants - but she knows full well what foods she is supposed to be eating and what ones she should be avoiding. She has lied to her drs. for years and when she would come home from an appt. it would be " oh I just love dr. so-and-so, he's so handsome....he told me I don't look my age, I look better than the last time he saw me," etc. so she was going there for the flattery not for the health advice.
I am busting my hump here to make sure she gets only healthy, fresh foods as prescribed by her family dr., everything made from scratch, no salt or sugar......but she has a stash of junk in her room that she dives into when I'm not around or busy (I have caught her standing in her closet scarfing down cake, tarts, cookies, etc.) and when asked what she's doing, "oh I'm just putting away some of my things" (yeah, chocolate bars and jelly beans!!
What is the point of me shopping for only the freshest meats, fish, vegetables and fruits when I come home from shopping and she says "I just want tea and toast for dinner" of course, toast loaded with jam on it - which tells me that while I have been out she's pigged out on her junk!!

Reading these posts really opened my eyes that thousands are going through the same scenario. I particularly note the one post about how the brother is sick but the mother is selfishly worried about herself and how it will impact HER, and how it is all about her. I hope and pray that when I get very old I don't become so selfish and thoughtless but I am wondering if maybe the fear of the 'end' coming is what turns these people into the narcissistic beings they become. I could see it in my own mother how there was zero interest in anything or anyone and the only conversation we had (until I broke the ties with her a few weeks ago) were ones dealing with her life, her future, her this and her that. Then I realized that it is only an extension of her entire life: she was never particularly interested in much of anything I've ever had to say and even forgot it was my birthday or my kids' birthdays. In fact, there was only one birthday she wouldn't forget and that was her first born son's. Everyone else, unimportant. For God's sake, the woman doesn't even know what I do for a living, and never asked. She would occasionally ask if I had talked to my children but that is the extent of the interest in my life. My point is, if they were selfish their entire lives, what makes us think they are going to turn into sweet, mellow, caring old people? My dad was a sweet adorable man and even after he had a stroke and went in and out of hospitals, convalescent facilities, etc., until he died, he was a sweet adorable man--never demanding, never mean and always caring and loving. People simply do not change. I feel sorry for people who have to deal with this kind of thing when they themselves are getting to the point of exhaustion and their own retirement is looming. My love to all of you for the good work you do--and even though you are on the receiving end of alot of emotional and verbal abuse and terrible accusations, know in your heart that you have done only good and nothing wrong and somehow this is what life has dealt. God bless you all and try to keep the faith, when possible. Hugs to all of you.

Amen!

Isn't that the truth, Austin?! The all about me thing, drives me nuts. One of my brothers is quadriplegic - broke his neck in a car wreck 30 years ago. He was sick a few weeks ago. Scary sick, in the hospital. My mother's reaction was "It will be so awful for me if he dies. I hope he gets better because I just can't take this. My life is so bad already" Oh, boy. Me, me, me.. how will effect me.

That is a good example of it is all about me answer

Libracat, I have a funny story, just to let you know how nutty my mother is. And as I said before she does not have dementia, just a selfish personality.

Mom lives by herself, my brother 6 miles away sees her a few times a month, I am in another state and three granddaughters live all over. She has not, due to her own nuttiness, seen much of the granddaughters in the past 13 years. Just quit coming to visit us. No real reason.

Now my oldest daughter's husband in interviewing with a large bank in my Mom's home city. He really wants the job so they can get out of the Northeast and it's expensive homes and hectic work pace. My twins say if big sister moves to mom's city, they will move there also. So all the granddaughters will be moving to mom's city.

Wouldn't you think mom would be over joyed? No, her comment to me was, "I really don't know if I want him to get the job because I don't like that bank. They only pay me 1% on my CD there!" really? That is her main concern?

Just a nutty story, but a clear picture of how these selfish a@#holes think. I am still shaking my head. :(

Libracat: One more thing. You mentioned how your mom buys you things and/or does things for your husband/children. Maybe it's time to put an end to that. You know it's all about control and manipulation. Just a thought and maybe others can comment on that issue. I really don't have a perfect answer. It just may cause more problems for you.