Am I responsible for my dad?

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am i reponsible for my dad .. have poa, am exec. and on his bank accnt. he has conned me out of a set of his car keys on the pretence to see what was in his car, this was a couple days ago, he didnt look, and still has the key. ive told him that as soon as he drives out of the driveway i will call the law, of course he retaliated in when he gets out he will kill me. i am so tired of all of his various abuses i wish he could drive..!!

he has a psyc test coming up in july his 3rd with the VA, can i get them to put him in a home? he doesnt want to go to one, can they over ride him?, i cant take much more. also dont think hes taken any of his 15 pills in a month. when i mention it he yells at me, "ive been taking pills for 15 yrs, yada yada"

help im tired !!

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Thanks for the update. It is good to hear more about old posts.

WHY are you still living the same day every day? You have a responsibility to see that Dad has shelter and food and is cared for, but you DON'T have a responsibility to do hands-on caregiving. It doesn't seem to be making either of you happy.

You may or may not be able to force Dad into a memory care center or assisted living, etc. but you certainly can remove yourself from the situation.

If his doctors suggested thinking about placement a year ago, why hasn't that taken place?

I am sorry for you, debbya, but I must admit that I don't understand why you continue to put up with this crap.
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up date, as im still tired, lol, still living the same day every day. dad hid the keys, over a year ago , forgot where they were i found them and have had them ever since. i found out the word dementia describes the symptoms of alz, he has alz. i found this out last august. i noticed things here and there over the past 7 yrs, but didnt put a word to it, then, i saw him sundown a year ago, a few times, still had no clue. but ! then i typed in alz and agitation figured out the sundowning part, has incontenence, several blockages, doesnt do anything but sit or sleep, and if hes up hes pouty, and complaining. i dont know what he wants other than to rattle on and on and on about HIMSELF. he doenst care about anyone else talking, or sharing stories, pisses me off, but i blow it off as his being an ass. (always has been), i have NO life of my own. i have a flippin bed time at 9pm, and im 60 !, i take care of everything, and he bitches about paying the frieght, well at least im not giving my personal info to folks in nigeria, !,, omg. the crap i put up with, as for putting him in a home, i cant, he wont go, and in this state i cant place him involuntarily unless he attempts to endanger himself or me or others. then i can be done. i just dont know what he wants from me, to stare at the reruns, i can hear ? stare at him? hello? i cant take much more !! been doing this for almost 3 yrs now. docs expecting a stroke, i think his heart will stop. hes so verbally abusive at times, he has many issues, the docs. suggested i start thinking about putting him in a home a year ago folks, the va knows the crap im going through, dad wont do respite, tried that, i dont need to go anywhere without him, he wouldnt let my mom work, and he wont let me have any of MY life except kids and gr kids over or hes with me there. so, if thats the way its gonna be, he can continue to pay the frieght !! period. im sacrificing me and MY life, and no one gives a shit, including the person i call dad. !!! im looking forward to that good morning to arrive, !i understand how he feels, i understand they cant fix any of his issues, i understand what hes going through, i can tell him more about his health than he understands,i read im sorry u hurt ,etc, no one can fix anything, !! what do u want me to do? I DONT KNOW !!
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You're only as responsible for him as you want to be. It's good he's a veteran, there's a vet benefit that can help pay for assisted living. It certainly doesn't sound like he needs a nursing home. Strongly state your preference that he move to a senior community. It will only get harder to persuade him as time goes on and his dementia progresses (I assume he suffers from some amount of dementia - it sounds like it anyway). As for the pills, 15 is way too many. Your dad is probably a bundle of drug interactions. What are all these pills supposed to cure or manage? Sometimes it seems that the entire american health care system is designed to make sure that no one gets to die naturally (do a google search on "cost of dying" - you'll be shocked). Get rid of the meds that aren't aimed at making his life worth living. Bottom line though, whether he takes them or not isn't your problem.
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Debya, I have two suggestions I hope will help you. I know how hard this is. First, go to court and get a judge to approve getting rid of the car. No car, no driving even if he does have the key. It could be impounded on a court order and they would tow it.

Second, talk to a social worker at your state Department of Health and Human Services and get them to assign someone to oversee his case. Explain to them that you are opting out but that he cannot tend himself. Perhaps it could be arranged for him to move to an assisted living community where they can have a caregiver who makes him take those pills and keep him from driving. He could still be independent in many ways but as the dementia worsens, there would be people looking after him. This would give you the chance to visit daily but not be there 24/7. He doesn't need a nursing home and please understand this from his point of view. His mind is loosening up on him. He has been independent and able to do anything he wants his whole life and is now in the position of a child. It's hard for them. The last thing he needs is to be shoved into a home like a kid going to day care but never getting to go home.
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I can relate, 100%, having gone through everything your are explaining/saying. And my heart, hopes and well wishing go out to you. I too was in the exact same place as you. i.e. VA, 17 pills morphine, We decided to get him to a Facility, If you are on hospice you are done, the abuse and threats are starting to bother you and you are getting to the point that you don't feel safe. This is mainly for you but considering your father, you do feel his mental state is healthy and you feel he would be better managed with proper medical assistance. Not taking away from you at all, I'm not sure how long you have been doing this, but no matter how long, you have done a lot and you deserve the appreciation and acknowledgement for what you have done and are doing and will continue to do. I can assist what as much as I can, having been through the same this for over 2 years. i am now a week into my fathers passing. If you would send me you email, I will contact you and we can talk and maybe help each other. My name is Bill,
Hang in there, get out when you can, breath.
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thank you for your reply and taking the time to share. i dont think dad has dementia so bad he HAS to go to a home..(i wish), he still plays with his email, bank accnt online, check book, showers, dresses himself too. i try not to talk to him unless i have to, or he has to talk.. im a sagittarius, not good for me. lol! i want my life back!
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My heart goes out to you as this is really stressful and frustrating to go through on a daily basis. You mentioned you are tired of his various abuses. If he is abusive; then maybe it is time to have him live in a facility. You mentioned a psyc test coming up; so does he have mental health problems anyway? I mean aside from dementia; was he always this way?

It seems you are doing all you can and he is fighting you every step of the way. This could not be a very pleasant life for him or you. If he were in a facility; other people would be in charge of his meds, socializing, etc. It is sad if they reach a point where they are agitated by dementia. Perhaps the psych doctor could recommend an anti-anxiety medication. But, he probably won't want to take that pill either. When they stop cooperating and appear to be miserable, even at your home; I think you might find a facility the best place to be.

When it comes right down to it, many elders are not happy wherever they are; so if you find a nice facility, it might work out better. My mother is in a facility; it has not been easy, but she has adjusted and gets quite a bit of attention there. More than she ever would at home. Blessings to you and hope things work out. Take care.
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