I am mom's only child and have no voice legally about her care.How do I get her current POA revoked ASAP!


My mom had some type of CVA on Thanksgiving that left her not mentally sound. The problem is she had a POA back in 2004. Some woman in another state was given that responsibility. When mom got ill, the woman went out of control taking everything of value out of the house by using people that mother has known for ages to help. Mother had a day of clarity when I was up in her room crying so upset because I had been kept from her for the first 7 days of mom being in the hospital because of this witch. I told mom what had happened that all of her things were gone. Mom told me that she would take care of it. She will be 90 this year. How on earth she was able to get ahold of another person & her attorney and have a new POA made up getting rid of the woman who had POA to begin with is beyond me! Now, supposedly the new person has POA, HIPAA and medical POA. I am livid! I am the ONLY child and ONLY RELATIVE. (minus her sister who is almost as old is she is that lives in another state.) My husband and I along with my attorney were stalemated the entire time by everyone involved with the original person who had POA. NO ONE was allowed to see the paperwork. Including me. I am beyond hurt and very ticked off! What I need is to get a copy of the old POA as I am starting a suit against everyone that took this woman's word she had POA, hospital, nurses, docs, and the security guard who kept escorting me out. I was kept out of my mother's house despite being called by the alarm company one night because that woman told the cops that showed up she had POA. We tried getting a look at the paperwork then but the cops would not help. Now, I am back to being old nothing about mother until after the fact. I.E. where she was placed at for the nursing home, the extended facility she was moved to prior, etc. I am back to I am on a need to know basis about my mother and I do not need to know apparently. No one has taken into count how I feel about this. I have been the one taking care of her on and off for years. When she needed it. I am absolutely livid that I have no voice about her care, etc. I have the paperwork for conservatorship, guardianship. Her attorney today, refused to give up the old copy and told us to get a court order. That no one has to show POA unless doing business even if we are contesting it. Is this right? Tomorrow we are headed to see JAG (husband is in the military) before his doctor's appointment. Is there anything we should know when we go to talk to JAG? We cannot afford a private attorney at all. And got our paperwork from legal aid in the county she resides in. How is it all of these people were able to get away with taking that woman's word for it that she had POA and did what she told them to do? Because from my perspective, how would you like it if I walked into your mother's life and said I have POA over her and her assets and you who took care of her has no voice legally about what I did with her and her things? Especially if you are the only child/relative and only heir?

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I too am in a similar position with my Mom, under duress, she gave DPOA to one of her care-takers who by the way, has a criminal record. She has taken many assets dor herself and is very mean. She will not let Mom answer the phone, she will not let me speak to her at all & constantly says she is IN CHARGE & doesn't have to let me speak with her or tell me how she is doing medically, she swears at me & threatens to chg. phone # to an unlisted, to prevent me from calling my own mother. She must feel deserted by me, since I've called her daily for many yrs. I miss her so much & wonder just what kind of care she's getting by this nasty person. I do not have the finances for a lawyer & need help desperatelu so I can speak with & see my Mom before ot's too late. I am so heartbroken & livid.
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I am Heart-broken! I gave my son POA when dx with colon cancer in 09. I gave them $5000.00 in case something happened to me in surgery. I have COPD and need many medicines. I have not had the ones I need since Oct of 1212. I barely get by over 2 hours without the rescue inhaler and won't be able to afford it anymore.
They also took my wedding set and other heirlooms (for safe keeping) while I was in surgery and treatments.
I did ask for my money back almost 3 years ago and they just taunted me?? Now they say they are keeping my wedding rings and other belongings?
At present I am broke! (Can't buy bread)
It is hard to believe my own son won't give me MY money so I can get my medicine! (TRUST nO-ONE)
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onlyoneholly, we share similar stories except the perp in mom's life was a caregiver from an agency, no less. The result of this long story was I got disowned, POA revoked, my name taken off the bank acct, the caregiver was named in the will but not me (it was like I never existed on this earth), legal problems at the wazoo and 2 years after my moms death, I've yet to be told by my sister that "our" mother died. Oh yes, I've asked that same question over and over and over again.
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Same train of thought, but more the "wonder why" side of this. I wonder why some folks think it's ok to prey on/con folks who appear to need assistance, whatever their age. My disabled adult daughter has been through this -- conned by those who sweet-talked her for assets, but left me to clean up when the "$**T hit the fan. My parent is as gullible. She loves to have attention (says she didn't get enough attention during the Depression years) and it just galls me that she prefers the person who she thinks the sun rises and sets on, brings her flowers and candy (which I'm sure she writes off as business exp.) and both items make my mother sick, but who hears the downside? Me, I hear about how the flowers trigger a sinus infection, or the candy makes her vomit and how miserable she is. She won't tell this woman, who by the way, is also bringing her alcohol even though my mother is not supposed to have it. This woman is my mother's accountant and says she does these things because she "has a soft spot for older women because they remind her of her g'ma." This woman does not get the odd hours emergency phone calls, I do. She does not come out and roll up her sleeves and crawl under my mother's nightstand to find the partial-denture that my mother "lost" and was freaking out about a new one for a thousand dollars. Plus all the S**! that I had to clean out under the nightstand, under the bed, around the house, figure out "lost" papers, and get a walker and lift-chair ordered. No, this woman breezes in "for a little 'ol visit" with a bottle, and chirpily tells my parent about her most recent trip to somewhere fun and lovely. I am different, I like practical things, and my most exciting trip was a camping trip to Niagra Falls, but it's good enough for me. I'm just boring but dutiful. One time when I was desperately in pain w/ back issues, I fussed at my parent to stop calling 6-8 times a day because I needed time in my time off to lie down on a heating pad. Yes, I was upset, but this was not reason to attempt changing POA work. It took me 2 years to get all the mess-ups corrected. In that time this other person would "breeze by" for fun, but she was not reliable. She does accounting from her home (certified yes, but I don't think she works hard) and almost missed getting paperwork in because she was going "on a trip." The woman does not understand much of what I convey to her when I try to discuss my mother's financials -- it's getting very worrisome. She just chirps, "oh, she's fine!" No, it's not fine and I worry every day what to do. There is a caregiver agency that provides housekeeping, transportation, and other needs; it's not as if there is no one else in my parent's life. It's just that this person who has messed with the status of POA does not understand "boundaries" and the Care Agency does. This is the summary of my "ponder" why do some folks think they have the right to overstep when it's not right to do so?
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Ours county is the depart of aging and on our website there is a link that says abuse. That is where i went to submit a claim online and they phoned me within a day and set up my case with a caseworker. She was in my home and interviewed my dad within a week.
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POA and filing in courthouse depends on the state IF it is legally required. My mom is in TX and not required to be filed.

Army - this is interesting for me as my mom is in a NH with a huge military group. (She is not military but my dad was Air force civilian GS-15/17 back from the 1950' - 1960's & in speaking with other NH residents family members quite a few have non-family as POA because of the uncertainty of military moves.) JAG should be able to give you a list of civilian attorneys for you to contact to start the paperwork for being your mom's conservator or guardian. At this point, probably filing for conservator is your best option to trump the old POA's. What will likely happen when do you the petition to the court, is that the probate judge (where these are usually heard) will usually place the person (mom) as a temporary ward of the state. A court appointed guardian will be named and they are bonded, etc and do this all the time and understand the legal process. Now the temporary is maybe 3 -4 months in which both you and the old POA have to submit information to the court along with the temporary guardian and then the judge makes a determination. It is critically important that you respond to whatever in a timely manner (I'd mail whatever via USPO with return registered card), show up for court docket, etc. My guess is that the POA won't and this will be in your favor.
It is time consuming but really it will solve the problem, case closed.
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Chimonger -- 2 of your statements, while long, had some very good thoughts about this subject. Emotions can boil over -- it's good to put on paper the "hurts and misunderstandings." A journal helps with "boil-overs" of emotion rather than saying or writing hurtful thoughts to the person(s) who've irritated you. Also, document the "facts" -- the legal, substantiated with witnesses or documents -- with irrefutable proofs. Then, yes, talk to Agency on Aging or similar in that area. Elder law attorneys are helpful AFTER you've sorted the emotions and facts into one talking-paper you could cover in an hour's meeting. I've let emotion rule the timeclock on a meeting and it mainly just allowed me to vent, but on "my nickel."
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Obviously your mother chose this other person 9 years ago to be her power of attorney, HIPAA, and medical power of attorney. If she had wanted for you to have it, she would have given it to you and I wonder just why she did. Maybe we are not hearing the whole story here. At any rate, her lawyer has the papers and any place she receives care would have had to have a copy but they cannot legally show it to you or anyone else not listed on the papers. Since she did this almost a decade ago, why are you just finding out now and being so wound up about it? Is it that you think she might die soon and you wanted to get a hand in the pie? I have found, sadly, that this is the case many times. Why not just respect her decision?
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Not intending to sound harsh, ArmyWife: you'll have to get ahold of yourself--that is, your emotions, to make good progress.

Was the 2nd POA appointed by court?
Kinda sounded like it.
When that's done, it's fairly common to block any and all others from doing anything with or to the estate in question.
Once a court-appointed POA is in place, they will handle everything.
That the 2nd one got some stuff put back in Mom's house, is evidence of that, maybe.

What do you really, really want?
What does that look like to you?
Would it heal or change the past?
What would that really get you?
Would it heal or change the past?
==A different life?
What might that have looked like?
Could you start doing any of that now, as an adult who knows better?
==How much of what you really want from this, is realistically achievable,
without doing yourself further harm??

I agree---and with compassionate understanding, how a person can get slammed very off-balance, emotionally, related to what you describe.
No one can "deck us" as painfully as our parents/family!!!

You WILL need to be able to state your case calmly to a lawyer,
==without expressing emotion==.
As Joe Friday used to say on one of those ancient cop shows:
"Just the Facts, Ma'am!!"
It is helpful for you to write down what the facts currently are, as "one-liners", like a shopping list.
Putting it on paper, really helps see it clearer.

It is important to consider a few things, often forgotten
[which we all go through, too]:
==Our parents did as they knew how, at the time they had to deal with things.
==They were hobbled by past experiences and limited knowledge.
==They accumulated their estates, most on their own, and have no obligation to gift any of it to their kids....[unfortunately for us].
==Their stuff was never our stuff [things]:
if they choose to gift anything to us, great; if not,
we are left having to reconcile with that concept,
and carry on--carrying that hurt just makes it worse.
==Their stuff was not our stuff [behaviors]--relative to the emotionally delivered garbage--either.

Cues in your posts make it seem as though one or more of your parent persons, had some emotional and/or mental issues.
Those make things even tougher.

When you sit quietly, and consider what is on your plate with this,
You must careful to look for various perspectives, considering the above.
A lawyer will have a hard time helping you, if you are fuming mad, and/or if there's inadequate evidence supporting your case to get access or restitution.

Bottom lines include,
==parent[s] are only ever required to feed, clothe, shelter, get us necessary medical care, and basic education, to get us to adulthood and able to be out on our own.
The sad part is, so many do it in painful ways on so many levels--but that was all they knew how to do at the time.
They are not gonna suddenly change and be the parents we yearned for, EVER.
It's all Lessons!

MANY adult children have simply had to "let it go", and bless their parents on their way.
"I wish you well" is a great response to many verbals they can dish out, and can be used in many circumstances.
It is positive, neutral, and cannot be misinterpreted.
Highly recommended, a tiny book called "The Four Agreements".

My Mom has had Bipolar and Dissociative Disorder behaviors all her life, and was impaired by having been abused in childhood--It affected almost everything she did for us and to us.
My Dad was an only child, who was sent off to boarding school by busy parents, not really nurtured by them so much--yet he was pretty good at nurturing, and wonderful at hugging--but he couldn't make up for Mom, nor could he prevent his 2nd wife behaving snipishly.
My Stepmom , also an only child, had, as far as I know, a decent childhood, but a very stiff view of how things should be..
Parent-0persons and Grandparent persons were known for pointing fingers, assuming, blaming, and acting upon things they had inadequate information about.
Among them, each thought I was being taken care of by the other, etc. etc.
Some thot that because they'd given an extra amount to help pay for a self-help boarding school in childhood [which got me away from all their homes], that they need not give anything else.
One parent believes she has "given so much" to me, but that only meant she'd paid back a sum of money I'd sent her for years, supporting her, and given a few gifts which she later took back.

Did they do things or tell me things to help me feel like part of any of their households? Not so much.
Did all their behaviors affect my choices?
You bet--for instance, I eloped, rather than risk having all of them in one room at a wedding for me, and, felt if I had a wedding, it meant less or no money for my next sister's wedding.
I have spent this life keeping my distance from them, largely because it helps protect myself from their behaviors.
I could have chosen to keep closer to them, but at what cost?
Was I willing to pay that price, or was the price greater than any rewards?

Do they still run their mouths and act out? YES they do!
Mom more recently lived under our roof 6 years, and it was increasing hell the whole time. I literally felt I was about to die, if she had not moved out when she did--I couldn't have managed one more day.

Only you can choose to help yourself, in how you perceive their behaviors, and how you feel about how they behave, and what you chose.
Assess the risk: benefit ratio to see if what you seek, is worth the price paid to get it--"price" includes emotional and physical trauma, dollars spent, friction, etc.--all costs involved.

Feeling deeply hurt and angry at her words and choices, means you are "reacting without thinking"--a kind of "knee-jerk" reaction, which lets her know she is still in control on some levels--a great boon for how she feels, but very hard on you!
==Learning to think first, seeing her words and actions in a different perspective, helps you put at least a mental distance between what she's saying/doing,
and your feelings, which can help prevent your feeling so hurt and angry at her words/actions.
It sounds like she's done it for a lifetime--that's about her, not you.
You can refuse to take on her baggage, and refuse to allow her to jerk you about emotionally.
YEah, it might mean walking away from some things,
but, then, what price have you been paying, thinking you can change her, change anyone else, or get any of the parent-persons to be what they cannot be?

You've probly heard that saying: "Don't take it personally"?
That is real important.
When an elder [or anyone] does rotten things, it's not about you, it is about themselves.
It's complicated, but that's a nugget of it.

Since this emotional roller coaster has been going on for many years,
I highly recommend Counseling by a licensed Counselor,
maybe one who can help you with things like EMDR, Cognitive Therapy, etc.
Getting professional help to sort things out, and learn how to heal your life, is a huge help.
IF you do not seem to make progress with one, find another.
If you have financial hardship, ask if you can have a reduced rate, make a trade, or do sessions as you are able.

You can try this below, for free:
Get out paper and pen, or use the computer to write a document.
Start writing all your memories/feelings episodes from when you were ages 0 to 10, 10 to 20, 20 to 30, etc.
It might not be exactly dated right--memories and feelings often do not link to dates, they might link to a grade in school, or a year, etc.
As you write things down, it will lead to other memories.
It is about you.
It's your life story [a synopsis], from your perspective.
Once done, there are other things you can do, ==but this is a start.
Once written, you can go over it, and might remember more things to insert,
or, when you read what's written, you might suddenly see other perspectives/how to see things.
Be your own best observer.
It is also a great document to share with a Counselor, to possibly move faster at sorting out your feelings when in sessions.

If you are still military, or if retired, or a spouse of a retired military,
VA medical has counseling, and some areas are blessed with very good counseling--the VA CBOC in Chehalis, WA, for instance, is really good.
They not only have support groups and individual counseling for vets,
but also support groups for spouses
[yeah, the starting diagnosis is PTSD, but it also umbrellas other related issues after getting into groups].
It's been a Godsend for us....it's only taken over 40 years to find it, and that the rules and resources improved!
Better late than never!

The 1st POA sounds to have committed some major criminal activity--but has to be caught at it, or otherwise prosecuted.
It sounds like it's all in the hands of the 2nd POA now.

While the JAG office may tell you they cannot help, they might--it takes getting in contact with the right person, one who has more knowledge of what's available to help you....and yeah, it kinda is in the lap of Elder Care advocates.

Things WILL work out.
The waiting and struggling is the hardest part.
Allow yourself some space to heal, and put things in different perspectives, and be persistent looking for helps you need to handle this.
Love yourself, be kind to you, because those who should have, couldn't.

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I am simply astounded by how much corruption occurs with seniors. It seems like if other family members aren't attempting to grab their money, it is the lawyers and if not them it is the government. It is especially difficult to think how much legal power lawyers have.
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