How to remove my Mom and brother out of home without involving Adult Protective Services?

Dear needhelpasap:

OMG....you have been manipulated by your mother for many years and she has, indeed, made you her SLAVE! Run, run as fast as you can. You have NO obligation to continue to live with or care for somebody who continues to abuse you! Stick to your guns and LEAVE TOWN! If you mother insists on "staying in her own house," tell her to hire a full-time caregiver out of her own pocket. Otherwise, she will need to go where APS places her.

Do what you have to do to just get through this. An elder advised me to keep the pain and hardship in balance with the beauty - so give yourself mini breaks from all of this to remember that this is not all there is. And know that in time and distance you will see the pattern to everyone's behaviour - and although it is not nice (or healthy) - it will make sense - and you might even see that all this was needed to heal an old wound of co-dependency - and in this understanding there is peace - and the knowledge that it can never happen again.

To everyone....... Thank you so much for your support and help through this majorly hard step in my life. Honestly, without you guys I don't think I would've been able to stick to my guns and demand them out by the 5th like I have done. They would've manipulated me into feeling like a horrible person that was doing so wrong by them. I would've ended up giving in and never moving out and most likely loosing the man I love more than anything and any chance at a life that I now have. My mom is going willingly to the home somewhere between the 5th n the 7th. However, my brother is not going willingly and I will have to just leave him here alone in the house and have a wellness check done on him by local police and then he will be forcibly removed from the home due to not having anyone to cook, clean, put him to bed or anything. I hate doing it that way cause I do love him and care for him, eventhough he does get a true thrill out of beating me up any chance he gets. I wish he would go willingly and I could pick a nice home for him to go to. This will cause much more problems with the families relationship and my brother and mom will probably not speak to me for months if ever again, but it's necessary for everyone's safety and happiness. The fighting is doing nothing but making my moms health much worse and mine as well. So thanks to all of your help, I am sticking to this plan and my mom is so far sticking by my side and willing to help me financially until I rent out my house. Thank you so much again! I would never have been able to do this without u. Before I felt I was alone and had no support nor anyone who understood what I went thru. Thank you guys so very much! Can't thank you enough!

Hugs to you for following through with this plan to get your life back. I'm thrilled for you!!

Amazing! So glad to hear you are moving forward. You will all be much better off, including your brother, although it make take some time for him to realize it. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all the way.

Needs help how are you doing? How are things going with the major changes in your life? Please give us an update.

Things have been very rough this weekend. My mom and brother were ganging up on me all weekend to the point I almost walked out on both of them. But yesterday, my mom finally realized I'm not the bad person, that it's my brother causing all the problems. Today, my mom convinced my brother to go willingly, but I'm afraid it's too late cause I am moving out this Saturday no matter what. With how bad my brothers temper is, I'm afraid to be in that house without my mom present at all times as a witness. Regional Center has no beds for him and on top of that, his case with them just got reopened today. So it might be too late for him to go willingly. My mom is going to hospital on Friday no matter what due to her health getting much worse. So after Friday, I will be left in the home with my brother by myself. Without my mom present, even if my boyfriend stays with me, he will be constantly beating on me and threatening me. Even in front of my boyfriend. Thanks everyone for caring so much! Like I said before, without you guys I might not have had the strength to go through with this! You guys have done so much for me, I can never express my extreme gratitude for you! Thanks again!

Needhelp, it's such good news to learn that you've made these plans and are sticking to them despite the family dynamics. It must be very hard to do this; you're a courageous woman!

I also give you credit for not staying in the home on Friday even with your BF there. He would be exposed to your brother's behavior, and would most likely be uncomfortable and unhappy to see you treated so badly.

Hang in there, just a few more days to freedom! Andjust keep thinking about the vacation you'll have in a few days.

Needhelp, wonderful news! I think you are very wise not to remain alone with your brother - even if your boyfriend is present. I don't want to be alarmist, but I've been concerned about a real potential for violence and tragedy. Removing yourself may well be a lifesaver. God bless.

Well, I did follow thru w me moving out on the 7th. My brother decided to put his hands on me, ram me w his chair that has metal footrests, dig his nails into me, bite me, everything. I had to call the cops so they could help w him. Before they had come, mom was not willing to leave. But when cops came and they told her I had a truck fully loaded to move out now, she decided to go willingly to the hospital. My brother is still living in the house, police did wellness check on him today but he had convinced a caretaker we bring in sometimes to get him up this morning. So since he was in his chair, police couldn't do anything. I'm hoping once the officer that's been dealing w this case for over a month is on, that I can have her remove him. My brother doesn't realize that it's not safe for him to live there alone. Plus he can't afford to. He makes 1500 a month, mortgage is 700, insurance is $100 and his caretakers are 700 a month. So just w those bills he can't afford to live there. Let alone the PG&E bill, water bill, cable phone n internet bill. He wouldn't have any money to eat on. I do have to say I thought this would be a relief to me to start my own life. But it's not. I feel so bad for doing this. No matter how many times my mom and brother have hurt me in many different ways, I still love them and want the best for them. I still feel like I'm obligated to care for them n like I'm letting everyone down. I don't want to go back but I do feel really bad. Does anyone have any suggestions, besides counseling which I'm going to find tomorrow, to help me get past this feeling of doing the worst thing I could have ever done? I know I deserve my own life and I didn't deserve how I wastreated there for 4 yrs n also during my childhood from my mom beating on me constantly. But this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do! That was the only life I've ever known so I don't know how to have any other life besides that. What can I do?

First of all, you need to give yourself some time and space. You're like a POW who has just been released. They don't put them right back into society, they send them to decompress first so they can ease their way back into real life. You've been an emotional POW for years...so it's going to take some time and counseling to be able to put things into perspective. You've also never been rewarded for standing up for yourself, so this is all new (and scary) territory to you. So be patient, be loving towards yourself and get some counseling. In a week or two or three, I think your perspective will start to change and you'll start to appreciate and be proud that you've taken steps to get your life back. You can still love your mother and brother, you just don't have to sacrifice yourself to keep them afloat.

Dear Needhelp....know that you have done the right thing for everyone involved. It was a dangerous and toxic situation. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest to make. Give yourself a few days and be completely honest with your counselor. There is a better life out there for you. It will take you being courageous one step at a time; but, good grief I can't imagine anyone more courageous that you have been these past 4 years.

Take a deep breath, shake your shoulders and move forward. Best of luck!

Needhelp - littleltonway said it: you've done the best thing, not just for yourself, but for mother and brother. You don't see it now, but with a little time you surely will. God bless - you are one brave person.

Hi everyone. I am officially moved out now but the fighting is still going on. My brother is threatening to place restraining orders on me and my bf all cause he wants to get back at me for moving out and back at my bf for protecting me when my brother beat me up a week ago. My mom is still giving me the guilt trips and trying to place guilt on me for how her health is now. My bf and I are really considering moving as far away from here as possible. I truly think that as long asI stay local, things will never improve . I wish my family would've made this easier on me but they aren't. It's killing me inside to know they hate me this much after all I've done for them. I'm still trying to find a therapist to help me out, been hard with the insurance I have. Hopefully I will find one soon!

Hang in there, you're doing the right thing. Your mom and brother would be unhappy with you no matter what you did - you're breaking out of longstanding patterns and that is scary/maddening for them. You are taking care of yourself (finally) and that's a GOOD thing! Hugs to you!

Dear Need; You are so in the right here. You're HELPING, not hurting your family. And a restraining order? to restrain you from what, exactly? Your brother is blowing smoke. Get on with your life, knowing that you tried to hlep them by being there for them and what you got was abuse. Sorry, now they have to play by someone else's rules.

All protective order statutes permit the court to instruct the abuser to stay away from someone, their home, their workplace or their school ("stay away" provisions) and to not contact them. Victims generally may also ask the court to order that all contact, whether it be by telephone, notes, mail, fax, email or delivery of flowers or gifts, be prohibited ("no contact" provisions). Courts can also instruct the abuser to not hurt or threaten someone ("cease abuse" provisions). ---In other words, a restraining order prevents a person who is abusing another person from having contact with the abusee. Your poor brother has it backwards.

I suspect that your mother and brother are in high levels of panic mode now. As Blannie states, you're changing their years og ingrained behavior patterns and that's a major change in their lives. That dysfunction has become their norm, and their norm is now threatened by your refusal to tolerate it any longer.

But you've given and taken more than is humanly tolerable and it's time for you to move on - there's nothing more you can do to change the situation or help them.

Don't feel guilty; you've been more than understanding and are entitled to some peace in your life. I agree that moving far away would be desirable. And never feel guilty; in fact, your departure may cause them to adapt to a more healthy mode of living when you're unavailable.

And on the PPO issue - your brother's just trying to scare and harrass you. He has absolutely no grounds to get a PPO. I've been involved in getting one for my parents, and even though there were good grounds, I still had to be persuasive when I drafted the rationale for the order. Even then, the judge modified some of the restrictions we requested.

If your brother even tried, he would have no justification, but even if he went to a PPO office to get the petition process started, I suspect his behavior would quickly cause him to be escorted from the courthouse.

OH I TRULY AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! I add my support to absolutely all that has been said here.