How to remove my Mom and brother out of home without involving Adult Protective Services?

First, why do you believe that APS would send them to a horrible home? Second, have you got a placement for them both? This has clearly gone on for too long. Does brother have a social worker or case manager from the agency that provides services? If not, I would call the county department of aging and of disability to get case management in place asap. You might consider hiring a geriatric care manager to manage both of your family members' cases so that you can get on with your life. You seem to be viewing this as a black and white issue, which in itself is a symptom of burnout. Make those phone calls today and stop feeling guilty!

We have tried the regional center and they said they can't do anything unless my brother says he wants to go to a home. My mom never went to court to get full legal guardianship over him after he turned 18. So we can't put him in a home without forcing him to. N from what I have heard, most of the places Adult Protective Services put them are not the best of places and not places he would be happy at. I'm going to try his social worker and a few other options first. I just don't want them to go to a place they wouldn't be happy at. No matter how badly they have treated me, I still want them to be happy.

You have done more than your share and it is time to get on with your life. Let your brother's social worker know you are out of the picture effective June 5th. The caseworker can decide how to move forward with them. Do not answer phone calls from your mother or brother after June 5th. Our counselor said to step back and make mom deal with the consequences of her own bad decisions. If you want to check on them, do it through an intermediary such as the social worker or a family friend or neighbor. Step back, because any contact you have will be extremely manipulative on their part. Mom will announce her imminent death (hooey!) and demand you return. Don't buy the guilt card, keep moving on.

Pamstegman. Thank you so much for your uplifting advice. I honestly do feel like Ii am the worst person on earth cause I'm splitting the family up and moving on with my life. I was raised to always think of others before urself and thinking about them going into a home kills me inside. I feel like by doing this, I'm showing them I don't love them nor care for them, which I do, way more than they have ever realized. I've made a few calls but no one except adult protective services is willing to help me. I feel like everyone wants me stuck in this prison w my mom asthe warden. I'm so afraid of where APS might put them especially with their mental status.

The other way to look at it is if APS puts them somewhere that they hate, they may be a lot more open to you helping them get into a better place after a few months. Let them see how it is without your help. Then they'll be a lot more appreciative of what you've done for them so far - and you've done a LOT.

You're an angel and it's just too bad your family dynamic doesn't reflect how much you've done for your mom and brother. Come back here often, we get it. And you'll find a LOT of support from us. You're a wonderful daughter and sister and you have every right to have a happy life of your own.

You don't control whether your mother or brother will be happy, only they can do that for themselves. You're not superwoman. You're just a loving daughter and sister and that is more than enough!

Needhelp, you seem to be very clear about what you owe your family. Less so about what they owe you?

Feeling like you're stuck in a prison with your mother as the warden (and your brother as the slightly scary person in the upper bunk, don't tell me) would make sense because you are also institutionalised, in that you seem to feel you belong there. Otherwise, why aren't you angry? Me, I'd be angry. People who haven't been emotionally injured by the kind of abuse you've absorbed will be thinking "LOSE them!"

But, I can see, you do care. It is not unusual for people to continue to love abusers, so I don't doubt that you do genuinely love both your mother and your brother. Nothing will stop you doing those things even when you are not physically providing them with services. But what you're talking about is sacrificing yourself to their needs, and the worst of that is? It won't make any difference to them. It'll bugger up your life, but it won't improve theirs. Not one bit.

Ba8alou, Pam Stegman and Blannie have suggested much kinder ways of thinking about this than I have, and their advice is practical and good. PLEASE take it. I would be so happy to think that your travel dates are confirmed and your mother and your brother are both booked in to good quality, long-term placements. Now, get yourself to a place of safety. When you look back ten years from now, you'll cry with relief that you did.

Great posts here - Countrymouse is right on target - there are longterm issues here - even if you wanted to do so, you could not possibly care for them in the years ahead with their worsening health problems! The safest way to go if you love them (and I know you do) is to get them placed and it seems that they will not listen to reality, so having APS involved may convince them that they had better listen to you. After all, we are to love our neighbors AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. This reasonable balance is crucial in human relationships. You can actually be of greater service to them by taking care of yourself, being strong and having a good life. From strength you will be able to watch over them - you won't be helping anyone by driving yourself into an early grave.

I have to tell you what I just had to tell hubby. After all the nasty telephone calls, he sat there and said, “But they just do not understand - I love my mom, I love my mom.” I told him it feels bad right now, but that I am so proud to see that he is trying to love himself. Lord knows I know he loves his mom and have emotional scars as proof.

So I am here saying to you, Love Yourself As Well.

Needhelpasap if you don't stop immersing yourself in the waves of guilt over your Mom and brother, you will never move forward in your life. You will always find an excuse why you need to be there for them. Why? Because you have been basically programmed by them for years! Reprogramming yourself takes time, and you will need to go cold turkey for awhile where the are concern. From what I'm reading they haven't been very caring in regards to your well being or needs, and now it's time to save yourself. Let Adult Protective Services do what needs to be done to place them. You say you don't want your Mom and brother to be unhappy where they are placed, but think long and hard on that statement! They aren't going to be happy anywhere they are placed. Do it for them, because if they physically harm you, as you say they have already, then you might just be the one Adult Protective Services has to rescue. Let it go! Actually what you're doing is loving them more than you realize.

Don't feel quilty for doing what you need to do. It's not that easy anymore to put a person in a nursing home when the trend is to keep them out and in the community. Nursing homes, assisted living homes,and group homes are all licensed, at least the ones that an agency would do placement to. Your state has an ombusman program and each locality has a person(s) whom would investigate and advocate for residents rights. Despite your brother stating he doesn't want to move you have rights also. You give them written notice that they must vacate your residence by a certain date, no move then you have your proof to file in court a to have them vacated. Sometimes you just have to take a stand and they may not like it but eventually all of you will be in a better place in life. You will all get along much better when they respect you as the daughter and sister that you are.

If you want to get out and go on your vacation, go. Trust me, they will manage to live without you while you are gone, and if there is a problem, one of them can call 911. It sounds like you have given service long enough and deserve some happiness with your boyfriend. Frankly, I don't know when you had the time or energy to find such a man, but good luck to you!

Do not feel guilt at your decision,continue your plans and get on with your life. We have to take care of ourselves. I was there once .
Feel so much better because I know she is getting great care. Please think of you .prayers for will be going up . God Bless You.

Needshelp;-Please-excuse-the-dashes-my-keyboard-spacebar-is-non-functional.-I-am-so-happy-that-you-have-shared-your-situation-very-honestly-here,-and-I-so-agree-with-all-that-has-been-said.-I-can-only-add-that-you-are-assuming-APS-places-are-all-nightmare-placements.-As-an-MSW-who-worked-with-the-elderly-at-the-beginning-of-my-social-work-career-I-will-say-that-some-private-pay-residences-are-nightmares-also.-Do-not-assume-the-worst;-get-a-list-from-the-social-worker-as-well-as-a-checklist-for-what-you-should-be-looking-for-in-an-adult-placement;-take-a-day-and-tour-facilities.-Because-you-have-been-in-this-position-in-your-family-all-of-your-life-I-urge-you-to-get-counseling-support-for-yourself.-You-both-need-and-deserve-that-to-break-the-unhealthy-patterns-of-interaction-within-your-family-relationships.-There-has-been-from-what-I-read-in-your-post,-a-cycle-of-abuse-that-must-be-broken,-and-some-much-needed-healing-in-order-for-you-to-truly-move-on-and-enjoy-the-life-everyone-here-unanimously-agrees-you-are-so-deserving-of!-Lastly-do-not-expect-either-your-mother-or-your-brother-to-be-reasonable-at-this-juncture;-they-absolutely-are-not-going-to-be,-and-as-other-wise-supporters-here-have-said-,you-cannot-change-that.-Forge-ahead-and-use-social-services-,from-what-you-have-shared,-that-will-be-your-only-recousre-for-making-this-happen.Lastly,-because-you-have-suffered-physical-and-mental-abuse-in-the-past-I-strongly-encourage-you-to-let-social-services-know-this,-and-leave-your-home-until-they-can-be-moved.-No-doubt-as-the-reality-of-you-moving-on-becomes-clear-they-will-be-angry-and-I-am-very-concerned-for-your-safety.

Need help ASAP, I'm on part of the same curve as you are on. I've been reaching out for help on this forum from time to time over the last two years. At the beginning I was so confused I just went ahead on where-ever there was general agreement as to how to proceed in my situation. No action solved all problems, But by almost blindly following the advice it began a journey out of co-dependency and into some control over my life. In my case I'm still caring for my Mum - but I have support from my Brother and Sister-In-Law and my Sister is not allowed to visit without my Brother present. This journey could not have been accomplished without a radical first step - that my brain was programmed NOT to take. I was supposed to be miserable and serving 24/7 as some duty disguised as love. Actually everyone had willingly given over their responsibility to me and I was carrying it all around. When this happens NO ONE willingly wants their responsibility back! They will fight to remain in the same advantageous position - as it serves them. But it is not good or anyone's soul or spirit - to take advantage of another. You must make some courageous acts to change the pattern - at the beginning it will feel wrong - as its against your programming - the world and a healthy journey to self-worth are awaiting you to make hard choices. But be aware things sometimes to not get better right away - sometimes they get worse before they get better - don't be discouraged by this. All the best to you, you have done a wonderful job - you are a good person - now its time to factor yourself into the picture and included your needs in what is good for everyone.

There is one great option for you, besides removing them both from your house.
You should remove yourself for a fresh start. Let your mother and brother stay in THEIR home. Find them 2-3 roommates. Couple people can bring $7000+ monthly income into that house. It will pay all bills, food and few part time caregivers. You might hire one living in (cheaper because includes room+board) and couple helpers for few hours daily on flexible schedule. No, you do not need a license if you rent a room in your house, but you should sign a contract for care. Hire your own caregivers for $9-10 per hour and you will feel great: here you are - still in charge of your mom's/brother's care but having few benefits from it. Have any questions? Ask me!

That last sentence is very very telling. "No matter how badly they have treated me, I still want them to be happy." You have to change your thinking, they will never be happy no matter where they go. And nothing is forever, if they go somewhere and they are not 'happy' then help them but until you realize that with their mental illnesses and using you, and your guilt they will continue to be mentally and physically abusive. Plus to be honest I think abuser don't even understand what they are doing. Time to let go.

I agree with the comment about keeping them in their home, and getting a live in care giver plus some day time helpers to come in for the physical care, and you go find your place to live and your own life!! Get the book: "Boundaries" By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend . You need it as badly as I needed it! You will learn that YOU cannot make anyone else happy and that you are being used, and prevented from making your own adult decisions to have your own life! Get an agency or caseworker, to handle their needs. You really do not even have to keep the POA if you don't want to. A public fiduciary could be appointed. But if you want to maintain control to know the best things are happening to them, you can keep it and not keep all the 24/7 physical care. Neither of them is capable of decision making, so you need to learn how to set boundaries and be the one in charge. Learn how to set limits and give choices....it's 'either- or'....either they follow through with placement, or they will be at home with caregivers that either their finances pay for or you will do what it takes to get them eligible for Medicaid. There are no other choices. They need to see that you have to take care of YOU first, and that you have a right to your own life.....and things like a simple vacation with your boyfriend and his family, if that is your desire. There is NOTHING to be guilty about here! You are an individual....a human being....and you have a right to do what YOU want to do. Not doing what they want doesn't make you bad, doesn't make you NOT care about them and their well being..... HECK, with all the health problems you mention, there is no way you could continue 24/7 all by yourself anyhow. You would be making yourself ill and unable to provide care for them. Get the book. From my reading, there are many in this forum who would benefit from reading this book. It was an eye opener for me, that's for sure!!

I think there are battered woman syndrome issues and family abuse going on here, and I think the only way you'll begin to accept that you're no longer responsible for them or their happiness is to get yourself out of the situation, as you want to do, with whatever legal or governmental help you can get.

You're entitled to a great deal of compassion and respect for wanting them to be happy, but others' happiness is something we can't control, especially given the situation you've described. You can only control your own attitudes and happiness.

And given what you've written, I'm not sure that they will ever be happy wherever they are.

Perhaps they don't want to be happy, at least as you define happiness? It seems that there are some ingrained behaviors they both display, and I suspect their "happiness" is gained from manipulating and keeping you tied to them.

Those tactics won't work at facilities, at least not for long.

It's obvious you're conflicted and I suspect, without sounding like an amateur psychologist, that their abuse has lowered your self esteem to the point that it's difficult to think of yourself as a good person, and person #1 in terms of care.

You write of being a prisoner yet still wanting them to be happy. You might want to give some thought to those statements - they reveal a lot about the situation and how you've been emotionally abused for years.

The conflict over not wanting to use APS is I think part of the ambivalence that comes with being emotionally and physically abused. Given what you've endured, you're entitled to use whatever legal and governmental means you can to protect yourself and find placements for them.

Listen to the other posters - they offer excellent advice.

And I would reconsider APS if it's the only way to find placements for them. I say this as gently as I can, but I think that wanting to find an optimum placement for them w/o APS is part of the emotional conflict they've created in tying you to them.

They aren't going to go on their own, and you need to set boundaries, deadlines and then move on with the rest of your life. You'll never be happy or free if you don't.

Good luck, stand your ground, and think positively about that vacation!

If you recognize that the mental stability of your brother and mom is fragile and diminished through time, you might not feel guilty about placing them in a facility that is best for them. It sounds as if you have given all you can give. Looking at the situation from this point of view might help you to move on.

Needhelpasap-do you really want help? You have gotten some great advise but I'm not sure that is what you are looking for. I have worked with seniors for over 25 years and I love doing it, but I have found that as some people get older, their attitudes change back to childhood. I remember when my Mom was taking care of her mother. Mom would go all out of her way to help my grandmother and not get any praise whatsoever. As a matter of fact, her other sisters and brothers got constant praise and they would hardly ever come around.

Please take the advise that has been given to you and take care of yourself. I've also seen family members die before the ones they were taken care of. DON'T LET THIS BE YOU! Love and preace

I greatly appreciate everyone's help and advice. Having this outlet to talk to where people understand what I've been through has helped me so much emotionally. I am getting ready to have a calm conversation with my mom about her going to a home willingly. I'm also hoping a talk w my brother will help if I can catch him in a good mood like my mom is in now. If my brother isn't willing, then I will go the CPS route. But I have contacted all his workers with no help from any of them. 2 have never called me back. So I have no choice but to try to get him to go willingly or call APS. Thank you to everyone for all your help and uplifting words. My attitude towards life has been so much better since all of you started helping me. Thank you so very much! Can't thank you enough!

Being a caregiver can be both physically and emotionally draining. I know it is difficult to take time for yourself, but it is so important. I have a great working relationship with APS, and I find they don't just 'stick' people in a horrible home. I would advise you to speak with someone from your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services. They can provide support to you and assist with giving you the info you need in order to take care of your mother and brother's transfer to a home. You can be a health care agent for your brother, the AAA or Bureau of Sr. services can help you to understand your options.

Update... My brother had a big meltdown last night and cops came, APS report taken. APS is here now but is telling me they cannot remove anyone from the home. My brother has to go willingly. Otherwise he gets this house solely to himself and care is brought in, which means we loose the house cause he can't maintain payments and I can't either. So APS worker is trying to convince him to go willingly. I doubt it will happen though. But after last night I want him out asap! Today or tomorrow if possible!

After cops spoke w my mom last night and got it in her head I'm done and I'm past my breaking point, she has decided to go willingly to a rehab facility she has been to before. So she is taken care of.

Fantastic NHA !!! One down, one to go.... I am sending you tons of hugs for the stress you have been under and prayers that your brother listens to reason and goes also..... I am amazed at your patience with this whole ordeal..... keep us updated....

I second the kudos to you and the courage and bravery you've shown in trying to deal with this unbearable situation. Hang in there, we've got your back! And keep us updated...

Glad to hear that your mother has agreed to willingly leave to go into a facility! I do hope that provides a great deal of mental relief for ou.

As to your brother gaining the house even though he's unable to keep it up, remember that it's really not your problem. Given his attitude and abuse of you, you still need to think of yourself first. And would you really want the house if he refused to leave?

Stick to your decisions and think of yourself first.

Sounds like your brother needs to face reality that you are no longer going to be the nursemaid who takes abuse. This is a life lesson for him, that he needs to treat people who help him nicely. Most of us learn this early on, he clearly needs the school of hard knockd.

The officer that came last night is doing whatever she can to get him out of the house asap. He decided to call cops again today over a VERBAL disagreement! Cops have basically torn him a new one and told him everything he needed to hear. It feels so good to finally have cops and APS finally on my side. For so long, they would believe the makeup stories this person that's supposedly my brother tells them. Now they r finally believing me and doing everything they can to help Mr. Hopefully he's out within a week. Cause I can't take even being in my own house. I never in my life want to live in that house after all of the bad memories him n my mom have created and caused. Thanks everyone!

Ah, we must experience pain before the joy! STick to your guns and do not given in. If anyone gets admitted anywhere do NOT accept them back. Sometimes social workers hands are tied and some think because there is a history of dysfunction in the household they think it's a repeat. Hooray for you!