After taking care of my entire family off and on my entire life, 31 yrs, and since my dad passed 4 yrs ago, I have been sole 24/7 caregiver to both. My mom has multiple problems including multiple strokes, TIA's, heart attacks, diabetes, fibromyalgia, neuropathy, lupus, arthritis, Ehlers Danlos, mental illnesses and more. My brother has cerebral palsy and is 44, quadriplegic, mental age more of 12, mental issues majorly including severe anger issues. Both of them have physically and emotionally abused me many times, so bad to where cops had to get involved. I have permanent back and hip injuries due to the abuse. After dealing with this for 4 yrs, and all of my childhood from my mother, I have decided I am done and want to move on with my life. Originally, my mom agreed to go into a home on May 15th and agreed to have my brother placed into a home. However, now she has decided to do none of that. I have POA on my mom but not on my brother. This must happen by June 5th, as my boyfriend's family has already booked my plane ticket for their family reunion at end of June, and I must go. This was booked back when my move out date was May 1st. But my mom wants to make sure that my life is continued as a prisoner to this house as their caretaker. She doesn't care what I want nor what I deserve. I want to make sure they go to a place that they would be happy at and not some horrible home Adult Protective Services sends them to. How can I do this on this short of notice without involving Adult Protective Services? Please help me! I can't take any more of this abuse and threats and everything else they do to me. I truly feel like the only family I have is my boyfriend. That I no longer have an actual family, I feel all I am to them is their slave! Please help me!
You're an angel and it's just too bad your family dynamic doesn't reflect how much you've done for your mom and brother. Come back here often, we get it. And you'll find a LOT of support from us. You're a wonderful daughter and sister and you have every right to have a happy life of your own.
You don't control whether your mother or brother will be happy, only they can do that for themselves. You're not superwoman. You're just a loving daughter and sister and that is more than enough!
Feeling like you're stuck in a prison with your mother as the warden (and your brother as the slightly scary person in the upper bunk, don't tell me) would make sense because you are also institutionalised, in that you seem to feel you belong there. Otherwise, why aren't you angry? Me, I'd be angry. People who haven't been emotionally injured by the kind of abuse you've absorbed will be thinking "LOSE them!"
But, I can see, you do care. It is not unusual for people to continue to love abusers, so I don't doubt that you do genuinely love both your mother and your brother. Nothing will stop you doing those things even when you are not physically providing them with services. But what you're talking about is sacrificing yourself to their needs, and the worst of that is? It won't make any difference to them. It'll bugger up your life, but it won't improve theirs. Not one bit.
Ba8alou, Pam Stegman and Blannie have suggested much kinder ways of thinking about this than I have, and their advice is practical and good. PLEASE take it. I would be so happy to think that your travel dates are confirmed and your mother and your brother are both booked in to good quality, long-term placements. Now, get yourself to a place of safety. When you look back ten years from now, you'll cry with relief that you did.
So I am here saying to you, Love Yourself As Well.
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