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I have decided to honor my mother's memory this year by planting a Forget-Me-Not in my garden. Each time I see it I can think of the mother of my childhood and the day long ago when she planted the same flower in her garden-a gift from me. I can think of all the gifts she gave me over the years and of the mother she became in later life. I can remember her as she was.

What ways have you found to cope with the holidays that remind us so much of our loss?

Blogging has helped me to cope day to day but this holiday is very difficult for me-my first as a motherless child.

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My mom died two months ago and the gut wrenching pain is unbearable. I miss her so much and I think about her and pray for her every day. For mothers day I had a month of consecutive masses said for her, I had the headstone cleaned (my dad had died 27 years ago and it was looking old and I knew my mother liked a clean "house') and I went shopping at the local outlets because that was what my mother loved to do the most. (She also liked to go out to eat after we went shopping, but I told my husband there was no way I could sit in a restaurant and watch other daughters celebrating with their mothers....) All in all, the actual mothers day was better than the week leading up to it (all those ads for flowers and candy and cards...UGH!!!) I want all of you members of the "motherless children's club" of which I am now a member, to know that my heart breaks for each and every one of you. Because whether this was your first mother's day without your mom, or if your mom has been gone for a while now, I FINALLY GET IT... I thought I did before and tried to be compassionate and loving to my friends, family and even my husband on this day, but until you actually lose your OWN mom you have NO IDEA how painful and difficult this is. My prayers go out to all of you.... (Now I have to deal with her birthday which is on the Fourth of July....)
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my mom is alive but the one who raised my was my grandmother so honoring her I became a home attendant/nurse's aid and I care for elderly sick people at their homes.
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Stay in God's Will

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Dr. Baker James Cauthen resigned from the faculty of Southwestern Seminary and the pastorate of Travis Avenue Baptist Church in Ft. Worth to take his family to China in 1939, in the midst of war. His explanation was simple: the safest place in all the world to be is the center of the will of God.

Before he left for China, Dr. Cauthen said to his friend Bill Howse: "Bill, many people are making a lot out of what we are trying to do, but for us it's simply the will of God. It's such a good feeling that I can say that if our ship is bombed in Hong Kong harbor and we never set foot on Chinese soil, I will have a sense of completeness because I will have been doing the will of God for me."


Remember. The Will of God will never take you...
Where the grace of God cannot keep you,
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you...
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,

The will of God will never take you...
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercy of God cannot sustain you,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you...
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

~~~~Have a beautiful and wonderful day to each one of you ~~~~
~madison
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CroweM: Thank you for sharing this part of your life. And please don't tell me that I detect that by your having to eat in the kitchen with the help demeaned you in any way? Did it make you feel 'lesser' than the rest of the family members who were old enough to eat at the table with everyone else? If it did have any type effect on you as I've mentioned, I am sure you have already figured it out that you most likely were 'where you needed to be, which in turn brought you to being the man you are' .....
You found through the love and companionship of the household help, love and you found that 'that true kind of love' did not have to come from a blood relative. Just from your words, I can tell that they loved you very much and for that we must pray that they are included into this day of remembering those who have taken the roles of Mothers. Thank the Lord they were there for you.
This makes me wonder, as I have so many times before, but especially here on this holiday, just how many people think about the nurses aides at the nursing homes. I know there are nursing homes and there are nursing homes - some good, some not so good .... the one my Mom resides in is the most wonderful place. Mom was in a very light state of dementia when she began staying there. Her being in a nursing home was always the furthest thing from our minds, but she absolutely loved it there. The same nurses aides that started out with her are still with her, as the same nurses. I salute those nurses and the nurses aides because when we stop to think about it, the good ones are very hard to find and these are precious. They provide what the elderly needs 24/7. They provide to the families of the people who they care for. There is not a minute of the day or night that I am not welcomed to call and check on my Mom. When I call to check on her, and they've told me how she is doing, her vitals, etc., the last thing they say is, 'You call us back anytime now, ok?' .... From what I've heard about some nursing homes, you don't find this kind of care everywhere. I pray your Mother is doing well today. And I wish for you a happy day with her and for your wife as well. You are a good man, CM and may God bless you.
~madison
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Madison ,

Thanks for the compliment and I hear what you are saying about respecting or honoring the lives of the dead. I guess that I don't feel so connected to my family tree on either side. I never knew my grandmother on my dad's side for she had committed suicide before he married and no one talks about it. I do now that she was a German Catholic who was rather well educated for a woman of her day. My mother's mother was also well educated for a woman of her day who had been orphaned as a young child, and ended up as the sole heir of four farms granted to her family by the King of England. From age 3 until I was 11, my mother and I lived with her mother and her sister in law. I don't have any found memories of her. My mother, well I've written enough about her already. However, the black female household help who worked for my grandmother were more of a grandmother, and mother to me. In that household, one had to be a certain age to eat at the table with everyone else. The whole time I lived there, I ate in the kitchen with the help.
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Bobbie, many blessings to you and your mom. Madison, thank you, and to yours. Miz, praying for you and yours, and for your travel plans. Pirategal, prayers for your mom to continue not bugging you as before. Linda, et al, praying for you missing your moms. To each mother: praying you are blessed tomorrow.
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Thank you Secret Sister for your love, your well wishes and for your prayers for I feel in my heart, they have already reached the hands of God.
Whatever is and whatever happens here on earth will happen in only a blink of the eye made by God. That quick. May we all learn to remember that and remember that nothing in life is as important as the Lord. May believing in this, we can accept others as they are and be able to continue on in our lives with pride, joy and love in our hearts.
Secret Sister, I am usually always the 'Happeeeee' in Mom's every day world; I am her clown, so to speak. (Junk I do not collect but clowns I do.) but this evening I told her that tomorrow is Mother's Day and she looked up at me and just moved her face from side to side, as if to say, 'Well, I'll be....' and I don't know where it came from but I told her as I always do so many times, that I loved her but today, I stared her in the eye and told her, 'When I go home, you are still there. I want you to know this Mom. I am never away from you; you go with me wherever I am, you know that don't you?' and she nodded yes. And tears just came flowing from me. I did not need to do that. Not in front of her.
O-k-a-y.... I'm off for a while. I'm going to clean my house. I move when I clean, which is a favorite past time that accompanies my habit of keeping clothes clean. I'm always washing something ... I can hear my Mom telling people this. I wear my headset that encloses me to myself and I listen to a radio station that you may want to try picking up on your computer called afr.net Somewhere on their page, you can find how to locate your local radio stations that will tell you where to find them on your radio dial. Before I started on posting, I listened to them each night until I went to bed. They saved me from major depression, worry and stress .... most likely what I wrote in another post which is called Anticipatory Grief. Their songs are beautiful, up to date and can at times make one cry just listening to them How they release the bad from the soul is amazing. You can pull them up and listen Live on your computer and go on with other work on your computer or pick them up by radio. My headset has the radio and gives me the beautiful sound of the music that I do not hear through the computer speaker or through the radio. I think it has something to do with it just being the headset itself: to ones' self.
Their ministry is great along with news about our govt., the medicaid system; they describe their news as being what Christians have a right to know about and they do give a broader description of what is truly going on in our society today. I hope you will be able to pick it up and I pray it will be a grace to you. I pray your day tomorrow will be the best for you, Secret Sister.... may you get all the hugs you need from your dear little boy and may his love bring you the peace your heart needs so much.
My hug comes with one of his, so remember that, okay?
Jesus loves you ~ and so do I.
~madison
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Madison, you are a dear sweet angel, who loves deeply and compassionately. I'll be praying for you, your mother, MIL, and husband's family. I'll pray for your siblings to see the destructiveness of their hatred and actions, and repent. I also pray for you and your mother's comfort and peace. Thank you for your kind words and gentle thoughts. Heaven is real, and the way is through Jesus. Hopefully both your mother and MIL trusted him, and have their names in the Lamb's book for eternal life. May God be with you this Mother's Day!

And to all you mothers and caregivers of mothers, I pray your Mother's Day is a memorable one.
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Thank you Bobbie ... from my heart, Thank you. I hope you have been having a good day? Was the sun shining for you today? It was here and very warm. I love warm and could not live (I don't think) in cold climated weather.
I would like to request a prayer request from you, all of you, my dear friends. I tell my Husband, often- that we are so dysfunctional and he just cracks up laughing. Because he knows it is true. We just take each day as it comes, sometimes not doing the things we should be doing/ like finally having to take care of things we should have taken care of -three days ago! LOL.... Life is too-too short to bury ourselves into the areas of blame or anger over something not being done already... Patience... It''ll get done.... we say.
My prayer request is for my Husband's Mother. A precious little 4' 10" tall lady who now weighs 100 lbs (two weeks ago weighed her normal 114). She has been diagnosed with cancer of the stomach which is both inside and outside the stomach; it is on her liver and in her gall bladder.
She is 85 years of age. Has been the fountain of youth all her life, even into the elder years. Something she's been so proud of and her family proud of her for also. This news has been so for about five weeks now; they gave her most likely no more than 3 months. She is ready. With the grace of a Lady and the spirit of the Lord that lives in her, she is ready. This is not news that alot of people in the world can say they would be okay and ready for. I know I would not for so many reasons. God understands that though; He made us .....
She is doing well except for the past few days she has been going down; I mentioned to my Husband that she may need blood. He called the two brothers (They live in another state, near their Mother) and brought up the subject of her needing the CBC run. This is again, one of the instances where the family outside the picture may possibly be judged wrongly and their opinions don't count. But to his surprise, they took his suggestion, asked the doc to run the CBC and found that she does need blood. 4 units! She will be receiving them Monday as their small town does not have an Infusion center. God keep her well til then, I pray. So, during the week my Husband works and on his way home afterwards, he will stop by and visit with my Mom.... This is what he calls his 'out-time' where he can relax, talk to her, read the paper to her, or just sit by her while she sleeps. On the weekends, as of Friday afternoons, he is pulling from the driveway to drive into the next state where they live and he stays until Sunday night with his Mother. She has been doing exceptionally well the last few weeks and has enjoyed the close family unit so much which has given her something to look forward to -- and her three sons also. They need this time with her because it may not be very long that they will have her any longer. I ask you pray for her. Pray for my Husband as he has been so good to me, has loved me beyond my dreams and also loved my Mother as his own. Now he faces two Mothers who will die eventually from almost the same thing. He holds strong but I know he is weak right now. I do not pressure him for anything of what is on his mind; I know when the time is right for him, he will speak. My Mom is in her last days also and I pray I can be to him and to myself what I am meant to be.
He makes the trips alone but joins in to about 25 people each weekend when he walks in the door at his Moms'. This is a time of reunion for their family as they have people from all around the US, their relatives there to visit with her. I am here. With Mom and this is where I have to be. There is no one who can make the decisions over her should they have to take her into the hospital. I fear that an 8 hr trip roundtrip is too much of a chance to take at this point but plan to have someone, maybe my SIL to come and stay at my home and with Mom at the nursing home for a day so that I can go be with my MIL, once more at least. I pray all these things will work out for the good.
For anyone who is having difficulties right now, having to make hard decisions about things in life, I pray for you. Life seems to throw to us/at us decisions we never thought we would have to face and it's so frightening. Pray for each other. Love one another.
~ madison
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Prayers for you dear Madison and a happy Mother's Day to you and your blessed mom.

lovbob
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Hi everyone. Hopefully by not seeing anyone on the postings this afternoon, it means everyone is enjoying something in their lives. I pray so, for You All. 'My little Momma' as I call her is resting. She was awake with me the whole time I sat with her; but she did not speak. She was lying there with her eyes closed and my SIL called me, was questioning why Mom didn't talk much anymore and I told her that Mom does speak to a couple of people (especially my husband-she has always adored him and him her) but I went on to tell her that I believe Mom takes the laid-back, lazy and relaxing position when I am with her, because she knows that I will allow just about anything she wants. To my surprise, Mom opened her eyes and looked as if she were going to smile 'out' on that one. I hugged her again and told her 'that is alright; you rest with me around, all you need to; as long as God gives me the gift of speech I will do the talking and you can rest and listen' ..... and I do talk... just filling her in on life things... happy things. None sad. I live 24 hrs. a day for the phone call to meet the ambulance at the hospital as this has been the way my life has been since Sept. 2009; she has been hospitalized five times - each staying from 2 1/2 weeks to 2 mths and 1 week on each of those visits. It has been very tiring. I thank you all for your support and prayers. Without you I would have no one to converse with, to share with to be reminded, oh so true, that I am NOT in this alone.
AMD and SS: You have more strength and willpower than I think you even realize. Hang onto your values and your true belief in what family should be. Go into your futures with the robust of believing you are on the right path for I can read that you both do have the good Lord in your lives and with Him by yourself, you will NOT fail. This is HIS Promise.
I am reminded by both your postings something a person told to me once: The people who have the less to do with in caretaking of a family member, especially the caretaking of parents are the people to be most suspected of ill-doings against them. And it turns those people into jealousy filled-following Satan's path kind of people. The more the innocent tries to do everything correctly, the more blame of some kind they receive. Yes. The embarrassment of it can be powerfully overwhelming. I moved away from my hometown when I was 19. And I stayed away. Why? Because I knew one thing and it was I was different from them. I can remember almost running Mom nuts when I was twelve, always asking her to tell me the truth because I felt I was adopted. I didn't feel right in between my 3 brothers and one sister. What I never could figure out then was why did I feel that way. I felt I did not fit in. And it is that way now. As they have all portrayed love, I took what I could get and as selfish as it may sound, I visited w/them when I went home, enjoyed them and when I left to go back to my home, I thought no more about family values. My Mom was my only love and concern back home. This dear lady has been so close to and in deaths' door so many times, it has had the doctors even question the 'Why's' to her still being around. Last year, I had one brother to ask me to go ahead and sign the house and land over to him.... I was trustee, I could do it, he thought. I calmly explained to him, even did the 'Right thing' and let him read the Will, that I am not trustee until after she has passed away and then, I'm still nothing! All these titles that one can acquire really does not give that person a lot of permission to do certain things. Mom had left the properties in her grandson's name. Not my Son. I wanted nothing to do with anything, nor did my Son... We both stated to Mom, firmly that all we wanted was 'her' and it would be our joy to take care of her.... and God bless my sweet dear Husband, he has been the one who has made it financially possible to do so. When I explained to my Brother that I could not do this, he became very angry with me and left. That was February 2009 and I saw one time in front of a store in his town where he lives and he came out and cursed me in ways I could not believe. He is angry with me. I cannot change the Will. And no, he cannot contest it thinking she was not in her right mind when she made it because she was very much in her right mind and had one of the best attorneys in our state to handle the making of her will; this is something she took care of. In three weeks time from the last time I saw him, he had turned my baby brother, who still and always will live with R.A.; he is 51 this year, in very bad shape, against me. I was very sad about this for the longest; still am but I decided just as I decided I could not let the life of caregiving pull my head under the water and drown me that I would have to let things be with the brothers because nothing will change their minds. When Mom is gone and the will is read, they will hear it from the attorney for themselves and after all this time, they will realize that I had told them the truth. I even invited my brother to let me make an appt. with the attorney and he could go over the will with him, if need be but he chose to go the 'hatred route'. I believe some people who want something so badly and can't have it will turn to the bad and evil side of thinking, causing hate and it spreads. I believe Mom knew what she was doing in leaving it to the Grandson she raised herself; she stated to me that she would rather see him have it because he lived right than to have it turn into a bar by my brother who only wanted it so that he could be out in the country, reside there when he wanted and drink his life away. My Mom was a smart cookie. She also knew that my living 115 miles away from her that all she had to do was need something and in 2 hours I would be in her driveway (interstates all the way) and her sons lived 15 minutes away and they would not take the time to go out and visit with her. She held the hurt of that for years on end, and when she started the first chemo six years ago, she really had reality hit her when she saw none of them come to her house when she would go home to stay about four days at a time. Sad for anyone to feel like they've been deserted.
SS and AMD, I wish your Moms' could just open their eyes and see who it is there that is there for them; above all, WHO is there for them. You.
You know as you all do, that you are in my prayers; please keep us in yours. Thank you.
madison
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An idea.....
As I do not watch what some would call regular TV, (do not have the time) there are times I will rent a movie, 'Just for Me' ..... something I like to watch .... Love stories, Documentaries .... something I like to watch.
Sometimes it is good for you to take your mind to another place, watching something out of the ordinary of what your own life may be.
I want to share with you that I watched a movie called The Soloist.
While I did not care for some of the 'wordings' in it, I watched it all the way through anyway, (asking God to forgive me for hearing such words) and if I were a Critic, I would say they could have done a lot more to the movie itself, adding more volume to the storyline of it, it was at the end of the movie where you can choose to watch topics on the movie, like how it was made that had the heaviest bearing on me. It tells of the real-life place this movie was filmed in, the living conditions there.... to be quite blunt, it is about 'our homeless'. Yes... While it may not be such a great pick, to pick one up out of the low valleys we are in, it does lift a spirit in ones-self as it did mine to know that there is a whole world out there that God wants us to notice and to be praying for. Lucille Ball played in a movie called Stone Pillow. She actually slept on the streets of NYC to make the movie back in 1985. She was down-rated in a lot of ways for being LUCY and playing such a part, that it was believed she was not taken seriously. When I watched the movie, I saw a brave woman stepping out of her 'norm' and doing something for the homeless. For that, I will always call her an American Hero.
Do you guys have 'Redbox'? It is wonderful. You rent movies for $1.00-have them returned by 9:00 the next night. It's just an idea for you that have to remain at home in caregiving; and for the parents that will watch movies, it's a great thing for them to be able to watch movies at such a low price.
Thinking of you ..... All.
madison
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Hello Ladies and CroweM.: I hope you are finding today holding sunshine and happy feelings. CroweM, I find your posts inviting to you read; you have such good and intelligent ideas (really!). I feel the loss of govt. in their idea and decision making employments that you are not working for one of them for you would surely have made this world a better place to live. I would like to comment on one thing you said in the beginning of you post and I write/re-quote: " I continue to find it somewhat strang that on Mother's Day we are also remembering a mother's death upon which the whole reason for this day's existence stands." I may have misunderstood what you heart was expressing, please forgive me if I have but Mother's Day is not only about the Mother's who are living ... or at least it never has been in all the years I've been on earth. When I was young and growing up, not a Mother's Day went by (while my Mom was healthy) that we did not visit the graves of her Mother and her Mother in Law to lay flowers on the graves. My Mom came from the old days where the dead were to be respected-Still and well remembered. I find a lot of ways in myself that I am like my Mom but a lot of ways I am not, such as visiting graves. As of 21 yrs. old, I do not visit graves any longer. I know where my Dad is; he is in Heaven. To visit the grave is to visit dirt. He cannot hear me from standing over his grave. I am most likely rated in the minority of believing this way. My family and I believe in cremation. Sorry I got off track there, really .... but what I guess I'm trying to express is that Mother's Day would not be Mother's Day without remembering from memories of our Grandmothers, Great Grandmothers and the ones before them of where we came from. Their trials, their sufferings (which I believe we will never know the depth of without asking some of their own age related and closer relatives before they too pass away), which through genes and heritage is what has made us the people we are today. I do thank you personally for your post; you are so correct. There are so many things that should be changed and re-shaped in a totally different way in our society.
I can read, and feel .... that pain can come from any holiday. My very best friend who lost her Mother almost two years ago from Pancreatic cancer is still having the hardest time with grieving. A year after her Mother died, her Dad died. She has requested no cards, even for herself (she is one of the best Mom's I've ever known); her pain is so deep. We are all, most likely going through what is called ANTICIPATORY GRIEF. And I will add on that Anxiety is mixed with it. If you're wondering at times just what is what with the careGiver, please pull up ANTICIPATORY GRIEF at the heading of your agingcare page on Search our site. Read all three of the headline/topics. It is so EASY to be pulled underneath; to wake up one day and find you are not who you used to be; to not know where you are in your own life, to wonder 'Am I Okay?' ..... If you have had these questions going through your mind, take it from me: It is time to start reading. The lasting effects of going under will not be honor-related; they will not be something that the ill would have wanted for you (I pray) but those lasting effects 'will be there on you' Unless you make them stop. And believe me, you do not make them stop 100% but you can control them.
SS: Good for you, darlin' lady. You do what you have to do. And do something for yourself! Sing, SS. Do something for yourself! You are as important in this world as anyone else is. All of us are important and do not deserve the damage that 'bringing ourselves down' can affect us, our minds, our bodies for the rest of our 'maybe shortened lives'.
I too, was the only one caregiving. For many reasons. #1 was my Mom chose the doctors and specialist here in my town. Good choice -- in the beginning but I can promise you all this: my Mom was a strong and good lady, and she spoke her mind, gently. I know we can't see into the future but if my Mom had seen six years ago what she would have been like today, she would not have taken the first chemo treatment for Hodgkins.
Hodgkins is very curable if found early enough; hers was. She was a bit younger then, of course but it still took her down. And for four years, she went down, she came up but when she was up, it was still wearing her body and soul out. The last chemo with radiation in July 2008 lasted only a week long and it tore her to pieces which led her to where she's been since then.... In and out of dementia's, bed ridden, and the list goes on.
No. 1 question people should ask their oncologist is How much of my mind will the chemo and radiation fry? --- I am thankful these doc's are in this world in one way and in another way, along with my Brothers, I feel it's just a money making institution. Mom told me six years ago that Nobody knows what it feels like unless they've done it themselves to sit in a chair and feel their bodies being filled with poison. I believe it bothered her mentally and eventually she could not handle it nor the effects of it.
Thank you guys for reading this. I am about on my way out the door to go be with Mom. 24 hours a day can seem so short at times; it seems like the clock clicks faster each day on some days, and it's time for me to leave out again. I go visit her every afternoon and stay with her into the early evening hours. She sleeps most of the time but if she wakes, she sees me there in front of her, she feels my hand on hers. I know it is what she would do for me.
SS: Stormie O. ..... I've watched something years ago with her verbally giving her documentary. It was breathtaking to hear her biography.
For those interested into getting into a very strong, and I mean: STRONG WOMAN, read up on Joyce Meyer, her biography, her books. Mom and her church members would not listen to her because she was noted as a 'woman minister'; I told Mom I listened to her because she helps people cope with life and find peace in their lives as they are searching for God and do not realize that at the time being that they are searching for HIM.
Bidding you all a great afternoon, I am thinking of you, all. Praying for you that even the slightest hint of God's being will be with you and that you will feel HIm.
In His LOVE,
madison
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Hello all,

I have 2 mothers. One that gave birth to me and one that raised me. the first gets a phone call where I try to be on my best behavior because she is my mom's sis and is stuck in time to 60 years ago and still carries all the hate, etc. with my 'real' mom (the one that raised me, taught me to read when I was very little and cleaned up my messes, etc) i will spend the day over at her place (board and care home) and laugh with her, feed her tidbits of her favorite foods and lay down with her to nap and be there when she wakes.

Desparate: i hear you and i think that this will be my last mother's day with my mom and my heart is already heavy but i will do everything I can to make this mother's day special to both of us. I want to rest easy when she does.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and I can only imagine what you feel and i am crying for you as I write this. please know that the blogging aspects of this site and various friends I have made on this site has literally saved me from despair many many times.

The caregivers here have such amazing stories and we have all somehow survived the insanity and some of us are more intact than others. The knowledge that we are here for each other, broken and whole, makes this writing all the more important in our lives.

Stay strong. For those of us who still have our moms and for those of us who have lost them to the ravages of age and disease.
We need each other. Thank you all for being here.

lovbob
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Those are interesting ideas, Sir Crowe. Alternative plans R US.
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That's sweet, Pamela. Hope your day is blessed. I'm with your mom. I would ask for Chinese, too.
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My sons and I, and my best friend and her sons are taking us to Catalina for the day. Normally on Mother's Day we, meaning mom, sister, and all our kids go to Malibu for Dinner. This year my mom only asked for Chinese food and my sister said she would get it. I will go over moms house this evening and wish her a Happy MOther's Day, but I'm going to spend Mother's Day with my sons because they planned this and it's the first time they've planned anything this extravagant for us.
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Like SS, AMD, myself and my wife, mother's day is really not that great and we focus more on our own family which we have tried to make better than the one's we came from. I continue to find it somewhat strang that on Mother's Day we are also remembering a mother's death upon which the whole reason for this day's existence stands.

My church and denomination takes up a special offering every mother's day for those in our rest homes. Again as important as that is, it strikes me as a focus in dying. Why can't we do something differnt each year like focus on ministries for single parent mothers, battered mothers, or unwed mothers? I think there needs to be a focus on mothers in the right now of life in their various challenging circumstances as well as in memory of and in their elderly declining years.

Also, in recent years, some churches now have a 'blue christmas' service for people for whom that season of the year is very painful I think it would be good if such a special alternative service for both Mother's Day and Father's day could be created.

This is a really random thought but May is Mental Health Month and the very first week of May is Children's Mental Health Week followed by women's mental health week during the second week of May. Yesterday, May 7, was Children's Mental Health Awareness Day. With Mother's Day in the middle of the two, I could see tying it in with each and/or with one per year for obvious reasons.

I must be rationalizing ways of getting around Mother's Day in its traditional sense. However, I think given the realities of life such a focus would be far more relavent to moms of various types and experiences in this time of year. I'm just thinking outside of the box which I'm sure the idealists and traditionalists would not like at all but the pragmatists would appreciate and welcome.
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Madison, to answer your questions: my mom has seen a Neurologist. Her guardian says she's "getting worse." Meaning, her memory is worsening. She can't remember what people tell her, even important legal stuff. She has been diagnosed with multiple Personality Disorders, (not multiple personalities). And she has not the above mentioned meds. I'm not in charge of her health care, and have no say in it. While guardian, I did get her off 200 mcg. patches of Fentanyl, which she combined with Codeine #4, and #3, as well as alcohol (quite deadly). She's been abusing narcotics for years, and so much damage has been done. Nothing will improve that. She's also been through Cancer surgery, Chemo and Radiation in the past year, and has Emphysema and COPD. She can't walk a block, but she maintains her hatred towards me, maintaining that I'm the problem for all her ills. Little does she know she caused it all herself long ago, but refuses to accept that. Easier to blame someone else, I guess. Funny thing is, she has some people believing her, and enabling her, both socially and legally. Hard to honor her. When she was bedridden and helpless, I was the only one caring for her. As a child, I never could please her, and this continues to this day. She has escalated her attacks, drawing others in anger against me, to the point of ignoring her mistreatment of my dad, sister and me. Several have believed a lie, and have joined her campaign against me.

I have decided that Mother's Day makes me feel so miserable, because it makes me think of her. That is not a pleasant thought. Sorry to hijack this thread.

Again, if you have a good and godly Mother, thank God for her. Never take that for granted. But if you do, I don't have to tell you that, do I?
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Madison, you're a wise and caring person. When I read about your neighbor friend and your father, I thought my mean mom is nothing compared to what you've been through and my heart goes out to you for what you saw in your childhood. Abuse is abuse no matter how it is meted out. The damage can be long lasting, if not forever.
Every time I try to "get over it", here she comes again, just like SS's mom. I had a father who thought I hung the moon so I knew what love felt like and mom didn't show any love. I was bewildered for many yrs then it turned to dislike, distrust and disgust . . . fast forward to entering my senior yrs and it's STILL going on. I've been there for her since dad died but it wasn't good enough so she chose her paid caregiver over me and my kids. How do you think it felt to sit in her home, exhausted from caring for her,while holding down a job, family, etc and she says to me and my son that she's decided her caregiver is going to take over, we're no longer needed? At least I had a witness.
Except to be hateful, why would she go to a lawyer to revoke my POA? I wasn't even her primary POA, my son was. She said I stole financial papers(I did not) yet I just found out by accident that I'm still on her joint banking acct. All of this is pure meaness. I thought it was going to come to an end with the revocation but more stuff is surfacing. I can keep on forgiving but I can't forget because she won't let me. Call me terrible but when it comes to mom, I can't keep taking this garbage with a smile, I'm tired of a lifetime of it and I just don't want to anymore. I have a good life, I love my family, my job, my friends, everything is good or at least tolerable and then there's mom . . .
I wish all of you a very Happy Mother's Day! If you have a loving mother, you are very blessed.
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SSister, I read you 'about an hour ago' and your words were read with all my heart; I want you to know this. To be honest, after reading your post I think I fell into a well of thought. I believe there are many of us, SS, that can go on with our lives, succeed and live relatively happy lives after growing up in any sadness or trauma inflicted childhoods but the healthiest thing I can see is being open about it. To accept what was,
to take it and change the bad to good for this next generation, just as you are doing for your little boy. Nothing will ever change what has happened in the past; to grow from it and being better than it is a blessing to all who achieve making the change. Your little boy thanks you each day of his life, by his smile, by his trust in you, by his love for you but I thank you for being such a wonderful Mother to him. The world certainly needs more good Mothers for there are children in this world who are not so blessed.
SSister, I do not know know or claim to know all that is wrong with your Mother. I know you posted that she has mental illness. May I ask a personal question and share something at the same time with you?
Has she seen a neurologist? The reason I ask this (and you probably already know this) is because a neurologist can diagnose and rule in or rule out so many more things than a family doctor can. Due to my Mom being diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma in the Spring of 2008, Mom underwent only one week of chemo which was so strong that it left her deathly ill. It not only knocked her whole system out of line, it knocked her on into a very heavy state of dementia. For the first time in my life, I viewed my dear Mother as someone I did not know. I viewed a mean streak that really showed more paranoia than being mean. The odd thing was she held nothing back in aiming the gun of meaness toward others but with me, she was always gentle. This went against me in a round about way because it made my family not want to be around her and they were jealous because she did not do it to me. I have no answers at all as to why she did not show anger towards me. It will always be a mystery. Anyway, her Oncologist pulled in a neurosurgeon who ran all the brain tests, etc. and yes, he could see the dementia but he prescribed her two drugs: Aricept for memory and Abilify for her moods. And they worked. Aricept, as the neur. told us is a drug that is being studied and thought to be one that anyone who is between 55 to 60 years or older should begin taking it. He went on to explain that studies showed that if people, especially people who have mental illness in their family, took it that it would help them keep their memory longer, thus people would not suffer from dementias as early as they normally would, therefore they would have the chance of staying out of nursing homes for a longer length of time. It made sense as we listened to him. Once Mom started taking it, it took almost a week for it to begin working and they told us it could be as long as 14 days before we may see the effects of it. The Abilify toned her. It is a wonderful drug, especially for the elderly; #1 - it is a safe one and when I say 'tone', I mean just that. She was not drugged up. She was not dragging. She was 'just so normal' and it was a beautiful sight to see her like this from where she had just been in an upsetting state of mind. SS, I just wanted to tell you about these two medications. You may already know about them; she may have already tried them. When those two drugs do not work though, there is something else out there to try. Mom's doctors learned from me that I am a hard basketball to bounce. It is so hard for me to take 'No' as an answer. When she has been sick and it doesn't look like they're coming up with anything, that is when I've told them to start looking--- with this whole wide world full of the technology and the medical findings it holds, do not tell me you've looked under every stone.
People get tired and worn out from the caregiving; as one person posted days ago, she felt like she was in a haze. That 'haze' is for real and it can keep one from thinking sensible thoughts. When I pray again, I am thanking the Lord for your adoptive Mother. Praising Him for sending her to you, SS. I have a sister. I talk with her every other day but she does not know me. She does not care for me nor our Mom. To get close to either of us would make her 'involved' and that she will not do because she has never wanted to have anything to do with caring for Mom. How sad for her, and I've told her so because there are so many things she is missing.
I have one more thing for you, SS and for anyone else out there who needs this. I won't go into explaining anything for I've made this post long enough already (sorry folks for taking extra space) but please visit the author, Stormie Omartian's website and when the main page comes up, click on About Stormie.
SS, I think you're going to be okay with me sending you this web address. May the Lord Jesus just hold you close to Him and may He give you a hug for me. You are in my prayers dear one.
~ madison
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Madison, I know that we (Believers) are commanded to forgive, and I say I have. The problem is, the abuse is ongoing. My dad lies in a nursing home, and mom is causing trouble there every time she visits. I have forgiven dad, and the Lord took my anger away. I now feel such a love and compassion for him that I never felt before. As his legal guardian (mom had a guardian, too), I am dad's advocate, and sometimes have to oppose things my mom does that are not in his best interests. While he was still in their home, she was very neglectful and even abusive to him, so I am extremely protective, because with his Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, he cannot defend himself, or even speak up for himself. But it makes it clear (in non-verbal ways) that she causes problems for him. This has been documented. It's not that I don't forgive, but I get to practice it 70 X 7, in that it's ongoing. I pray for peace for dad and me, but she won't give it. Distance is my coping mechanism. My God-given longing for a relationship with my mother only serves to remind me how bad things are, and I choose to protect myself from further hurt by ignoring the impulses to be involved with her. It is very painful. Forgiveness alone won't solve it. Her mental illness is the problem, and it's not healthy for me to be around her.

But, when my father and mother forsake me, the Lord shall take me up. God gave me an adoptive mother; a dear lady from church, who has loved me for 10 years now, like one of her own. I know the difference between a loving mother, and my birth mom. Forgiveness alone won't bridge that gap. I'm just thankful that God graced me with the real thing, and someone to show me how to be a loving mother to my little boy. That's what I focus on.

Thanks for sharing your story, Madison. I grew up in an alcoholic home, too. Mom was also addicted to prescription narcotic pain medications. Needless to say, Mother's Day has never been my favorite holiday.

Thanks for your story, and comments Ed. Thank God for the Cundas! She's 104? What a life!

For those of you who had good mothers, I wish you and your moms a blessed Mother's Day! I am praying for those of you who are grieving the loss of a mom who passed.
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SS:

As a young child, the Boogeyman had my birth mother's face on it. ... When my parents divorced, I moved to western Brazil with my Dad and was raised by his mother (Cunda) and sometimes supervised by his four concubines. Over time, Cunda's TLC overrode those nasty childhood memories I brought from NY.

Cunda, who's turning 104 in September, only asked for a kiss at sunrise and one before going to bed. She never asked for anything else, except that we grew up to become decent, self-reliant, productive human beings. ... All 19 did just that. We honor her every day of the year (a little white rose every time we visit, a phone call to ask for one of those Old World recipes, a brief letter to let her know we're okay. To us Mother's Day isn't a yearly event. It's a timeless day that began when we first felt her love.

To me, Cunda is the only mother I've ever known.
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I went out and got myself a beautiful hanging basket with orange and pink geraniums in it. Then I told my husband that's what he got me for mother's day, and that he had really good taste. He was happy not to have to go shopping. Win Win!!
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Hi Ladies,
I cried when I read these posts. And I do, truly mean I cried. SS, it reminded me of when I was a child and watched the abuse that my best friend (I was 9 and she was 7) suffered through. Back then, there was no such a thing as reporting the abuse of children. Parents were given the open door to treat them as they wished. As we grew older, she and I would tell each other we were Sisters. Through the years of our growing up, (even at that young age), each day when we were dropped off by the school bus, I would run into my home, hug Mom and drop my books and head next door to my friend's house. Mom had told me. I would go over and help my friend with whatever she had to do each afternoon in cleaning the house and by the age of 9, she could cook as well as an adult, so I learned early to cook and helped her as much as I could. Anything to prevent her being beat with a belt. It was horrifying to watch it, as I only saw it done twice but it did not mean I did not know what was going on if I were standing outside and I heard any of the five children next door screaming. The parents were in their 30's; they were well and seemed mentally stable. Who is to know what makes some parents do what they have and are doing to their children.... Who is to know really, what kind of suffering or torment they may have endured in their own childhood days. You very rarely hear of the older generation coming forth with the stories 'that they could tell'. For some reason, they have buried them but carelessly carry it on over to the next generation. Thank the Lord, Yes! You two have broken the cycle. I do pray that you will find it in your hearts to forgive them for anything they may have done to hurt you because your forgiving them 100%, from the heart will be the only way you can let go of the pain, the wanting to hate feelings that your heart holds. I write from experience. My father was an alcoholic. 5 days a week, he worked hard. On Friday night and through until Sunday afternoon, he was so intoxicated he did not know where he was most of the time. I grew up in that environment where my Mom was mine and my siblings Angel and protector, along with the Lord holding the reigns of life for Mom. I prayed throughout my childhood for God to make him stop and one night, it ended. There was a wreck. For three months he lay in a coma. When he woke, he could not remember from the wreck and back in time. He rememberd nothing. Not our names, who he was, nothing. As none of his past memory came back, it still seemed as if he was 'the good side of our Daddy' - the one we saw on weeknights when he wasn't drinking - he learned over time who we all were and when he came home to us, he was different: this time holding a Bible. And until the day he died from cancer in the brainstem, he prayed every day that when he left this world he would live in Heaven with the Lord. There were alot and I mean, alot of bad times when he was drinking; the things I saw as a child but I believe God can heal all wounds and he can replace the wounds with the balm of His love which will bring your own spirit into His place of being - Where God wants you to be.
What to choose for Mother's Day or not? ..... Maybe something that I do may bring you a good idea, or thoughts on something even better. From the day I put her in the nursing home, I started her a collection of cross/crucifix's which hang on her walls, on her bulletin board along with beautifully colored poetry which can be read by the staff. I feel the crosses give Mom a sense of the Lord near her even though she may not pray any longer within her mental state of being. It gives them something to think about so that they are reminded that God is close and is caring for them. I do believe it brings a calmness to her.
Thank you both for writing those posts; it took courage, I know to share those things which courage is what you gave me when I wrote you about my Dad. You are both in my prayers and I wish you both a blessed and wonderful Happy Mother's Day. ~~ Madison
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I guess I pay my mom back by loving on my son. I just don't want him to have to grow up the way I did! You know what I mean.
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Amen, Sis! You know, I am tempted to send just that kind of card to my mom, but she wouldn't understand, and I don't want to be a brat, even though she thinks I am. Punished for doing well. Now that's something to honor! Glad God sees things differently. Bless you, too, Always. Unless a daughter had an abusive mother, they wouldn't understand. Funny how our moms can convince other moms that they are the victims. Ever notice that?
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SS, ditto that. I always dreaded having to buy mom a card because I never found a card that read "thanks for all the verbal abuse, the backhanded compliments, the demands, the ridicule, I loved how you made me feel like I was worthless, and yes, it was so nice of you to constantly compare me with my sister, you know, the one who comes to visit you every 3-4 yrs". I've looked lately but couldn't find a card that read "Happy Mother's Day to the mom who recently disowned me, revoked my POA and accused me of stealing". Must not be a run on those type of cards, thank God. This mother's day I will be honored by my adult son and his 8yr old daughter and my daughter and her 9 mo old son. Wonderful, loving kids who never heard from their mother the words I heard from mine. Bless you SS. You and I broke the cycle.
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Mother's Day has always been a hard one for me, as I didn't have a loving mother. She was and is the most difficult person I've ever had to deal with. Picking out cards was always hard, because the lovely verses just didn't fit. Mom was mean, and didn't communicate much with us, except to complain or demand something, period. This year, I probably won't do anything, because the past year was very destructive to us, due to her complaints, accusations, and actions. It's very sad. I will just relish the love of my little boy, and thank God for him, and for my ailing dad.
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