What do I say to relatives who insist my Mom should be in a nursing home?

Darned autocorrect. "I believe she went straight in on Medicaid."

Stevie, it's Lexington on Roselle Road in Schaumburg, IL. Take a tour. I think you'll be impressed. Worst options (and cheapest) are converted facilities like old schools, for example. In the case of the woman I spoke if, I believe she not straight in on Medicaid. Ask as it may ave changed to x number of months on private pay first. I wish you well.

Maggie Marshall. I too live in Illinois. What is the name of the facility you mentioned? The closest nh facility near us which is good doesn't accept Medicaid. Since mom is digging in her heels refusing to do facilities she will at some point run out of money paying home care and will need a good facility that will accept Medicaid.

grumpyotter, like Maggie said above, sometimes it take someone from the outside to see the forest for the trees.

It sounds like your Aunt is trying to look out for you. You mentioned your Mother has dementia, and as you probably already know its not going to get better, only worse. And if your Mother hated the Assisted Living facilities, she is only going to dig her heels in more as the Dementia progresses. You will probably find yourself taking care of Mom at home until you crash and burn from exhaustion.

Don't forget, you are also getting older.

I'm in a similar situation, so I can understand how irritating it is to get advice from people who probably mean well, but also have no idea what it costs for a facility placement or how devastating it can be to some people.

Now when someone suggests it, if it's someone who's just naïve, I explain the cost issue and watch their mouths gape open. If it's someone who's just nosy, I ask where they expect us to get the money, anywhere from $2K to $6K a month? Then their mouths also gape open.

In my situation, I would like to be relieved of the additional obligation of a second house, but I also know that my very independent and woodworker loving father would decline and go downhill so quickly that he wouldn't last a year. He even said he might consider a placement if it had a woodshop where he could putter around.

We've also seen family and friends go through the ravages of old age, some of whom also declined rapidly after going to long term or other care. Depression sets in; they're medicated....in my opinion that's not the way I want either my father or myself to end our lives. And it is a personal choice we're entitled to make for ourselves.

I don't challenge, question or criticize anyone here for the choices they've made; the regular posters have demonstrated so much care and compassion that I know they've struggled to make the best decisions they can, and I support and respect that. It's unfortunate though that people in our lives or with whom we come in contact don't recognize these issues and feel free to opine on situations about which they know little.

Grumpy, the next time someone sends you a nicely worded e-mail, you might think about responding equally as nicely, stating that you're glad they support this idea and wonder how much they could contribute toward the monthly stipend, as you can't afford the funding. Then say something to the effect that you still need $xxxK dollars and look forward to their commitment to help with the finances.

Or just ask them how they expect it to be financed.

I've thought about this a lot and think that maybe the thought of taking care of an elder in their home is just so overwhelming, so challenging and/or so discomforting, that they project their own feelings onto someone else.

It's also a commitment that many people just don't want to undertake.

I say, to each his/her own, but don't tell me how to handle something of which you know nothing and have no experience.

(In fact one of the people who suggests this the most often can't even take care of herself or her pet.)

I wonder if the disconnect is between what your mom is saying to her sister, "She always says she isn't doing anything" and how your aunt is hearing that. Your mom sounds like (from what you're saying) she's HAPPY she's not doing anything. But your aunt hears that she's unhappy not doing anything. I wonder if you helped your aunt understand that your mom doesn't like schedules and isn't an activities person, having her live in a place with a ton of activities wouldn't be that helpful for her. She knows that you've tried four places and your mom didn't like any of them, right? Does she understand why she didn't like them?

My mom is 95 and over time is quite happy to sit in her place and read and do word find puzzles. She lives in a facility with a ton of activities and I've tried in the past to encourage her to go to some of them, but she's not interested. I get it, because I'd be the very same way. I'd rather sit and read or watch TV than go to a crafts session or to play bingo. So maybe if your aunt (and others) understand that your mom is doing exactly what SHE wants to do (nothing), they'll back off a bit. Good luck!

Yes, I have POA. My mom has tried 4 different assisted facilities and hated them all. She is not a "scheduled activities" person. I should add that none of these people making comments about what is best for my mom do not see her at all--they live far away and only speak to her on the phone.

Perhaps they see something you don't see.

Mom stayed in a lovely nursing home for rehab, and I took the tour. Their memory care unit was impressive. Three staff for every patient . . . A supervised activity EIGHT TIMES a day (per Illinois state law) . . . clean...bright...colorful . . . Dining room/common area with a huge big screen . . . Every resident dressed in the morning . . . A snapshot taken of every resident every morning to identify clothing in case someone "eloped," as they called it. Locked floor. Bracelets to set off a personal alarm on every other floor . . . Weekly entertainment programs -- might be a singer, magician . . . Beauty salon on premise . . . One could not ask for more. They accepted Medicaid. Rate on entry $9,000 a month for those spending down.

I happened to know a resident on this floor. She entered the facility on Medicaid and had been there about nine years until she passed. She was 101 years old. Her niece visited her three times a week, other family members as well. Her family LOVED the facility.

Don't take it personally. You have differing opinions. "I'm doing what I believe in my heart is the right thing. Please stop judging me," ought to silence the harshest critic unless they see mom wasting away staring at walls.

I tend to be in favor of facility care and would like to convince my folks to get in assited living, however it sounds like you are doing a good job with your mom at home. I'm sure your realise that it will not get easier as time goes on. Are you going to be up for the long haul?

Your Aunt has the best intentions but I can understand your frustration. Do you have POA for your Mom? Has your Mom indicated that she wants you to be in control? there are so many family feuds over elder care. I would suggest a straight forward but diplomatic approach with the relatives. Be very clear with them but try to avoid escalating this into a nasty legal battle. The POA question is important here. if you are not her POA others may challenge your decisions.