What do I say to relatives who insist my Mom should be in a nursing home?

As someone who took care of my dad for years (89 and dementia), I have recently decided to move him into a nursing facility. Neither I nor the daytime caregiver that I have while I work can manage him physically on our own any more, and the dementia has gotten worse. It is the best thing for him AND me at this point -- both mentally and physically.

As I have informed each family member of my decision (I am single) they have been very supportive... saying things like I'm surprised you were able to do it this long, and it's the right thing to do. It's close to my home and we will still be there regularly -- it's not like you drop them off and ride away into the sunset. There are still many things to manage.

Elder care is pretty much the same worldwide when it comes to family.

My best friend was born and raised in India, now lives here in the States with her husband.... and she has the very same issues with her in-laws [83 & 91], who live in the old country... there are other grown children who are also living in the States. The in-laws are stubborn, they won't listen to their children in regard to care. If one of the in-laws doesn't feel good it is high drama.... someone is always on a plane back to India... the father wants to move to a retirement facility, the mother doesn't. The in-laws keep firing really good helpers, etc. Dad likes the adult day care, but the mother doesn't so she refuses to go, yet complains she is so bored. Half the children want the parents to move into senior housing because it is too much for the Mom to deal with the large house. Sounds familiar???

Boy, really great conversation and good posts/points from everyone. Everyone and every situation is so different. Everyone has different retirement, savings, VA benefits, or even be destitute but one thing we as caregivers have in common is we are doing the best we can and are making our decisions based on what our situations are. When people use to suggest something to me I would go into a long "well, we can't do it that way because" story. Now, I just say thanks for the input. I do know that living with my dad for 6 mos while he recovered from his heart surgery, having an estate sale, selling their house of 40 years, and finding a retirement place he liked almost did me in and he was in his right mind and so compliant. But it was a 24/7 job with no help. a month into it I HAD to put my mom into a alz/dem. facility. It threw her completely out of wack, her routine if you will, with me living there. My dad did everything for her and one minute she would say of course she knew he had had surgery and couldn't get out of bed, 5 minutes later I found her hounding him to get up and take her to eat then she became so mad that she went to shoving and hitting. Ooops, got off track there. Anyway, in their case (and mine) she needed people that knew how to handle difficult people (which she never was in her whole life until the evil disease hit our family) and I wasn't the one to do it plus the fact I had to get my 87 year old father back up and healthy. Like I said before, each situation is different. We were lucky, no blessed in the fact that they had good income and my mom had had the foresight to buy long term care insurance. My dad use to tell her all the time that wasn't necessary and she would never need it. He is singing a different song now that it has been 6 years and he has needed every penny with her care being 6 grand a month. My mom went through so much with her mom and she saw what all it took. So many people don't have the blessings that my dad does. Don't get me wrong, he's NOT rich by any means but with my mom's insurance, social security, VA benefits, it's doable for now. Someday we might have to look at medicaid. We will cross that bridge when we get there if we do. I know that I wanted the best for my in laws, and now my mom and dad. I thought I could handle it and did for 6 mos. but it took a lot away from my family and health. I still have a lot of drs. appts. with dad and of course check on mom to make sure she is being well taken care of. They live in different facilities in different cities but it's not that bad. I think I must be starting to ramble here so with all of the above being said, I think some people can handle having their loved ones live with them, some can't. Those that try it for a while and can't do it anymore should not feel guilt one bit. Guilt implies that you have done something wrong on purpose. That really helped me understand not to feel guilt that I couldn't handle my mom anymore and put her somewhere she would be better taken care of than I could do. I'm not a nurse nor do I know what alz/dem. caregivers know. I have learned a lot in 10 years but I couldn't do it 24/7. I/m in awe of those that can. But at the same time, be careful of your own health and lives. When you get worn out and down, depression is a sink hole. Hard to get out of even when it's all over. Well, did it again.....went on too long.....One more thing.....people of a certain age are going to balk at the word nursing home. If they grew up in the depression or after they were awful and that's what they are thinking of. My inlaws were shocked that they had gotten so nice from what they remembered their grandparents had been in. Food is better, nicer surroundings. Yes, some are good, great and some are bad. You have to stay on top of all of them. But just a heads up that that is why a lot of them balk at the idea of a nursing home. Ok, that's it for me. Sorry I went on so long or didn't make sense. Good Luck and God Bless....

Hello...husbands sister has been caring for their Mom for 7 years. She sees to her daily needs ie medical, social, all of it. She is a retired nurse. Problem is she is going into early dimentia within the past few years. There 8 siblings...3 are nurses and have decided in the past 1&1/2 to decide they want to make decisions for her based on their nursing skills. They have not been apart of her life since 2004. They have called Elder Abuse to only be told there isnt anything there. My husband is Power of Attorney and they are 3 have recently sent a letter to my husband demanding he relinguish his powe of attorney to the one local sister. It is dispicable the stress they are placing their Mom as she has stated she will not go anywhere without her care taker daughter and these 3 sisters dont like their care taker sister...but yet the continue to push that they dont want her removed from the sisters home but expect their Mom to be pushed about as they see fit for their time frames. No regard to the care taker sisters life with her 2 adopted daughters...14 and 16. They have always been jealous of these adopted children. They are now wanting to take my Husband to probate court if he doesnt give his appointed Power of Attorney to the local sister. He refuses as he is only appointed for her health and his Mom set this up years ago. She has stated she does not feel comfortable in their prescence as they askmher questions and it makes her feel stupid. It is a complicated situation...and no appeasing these 3 sisters. They are in my opinion Educated Idiots who are creating their Mother great mental duress at the age of 84. We feel she should be able to decide whom she sees and when. The one sister at one time said she would spit on her grave amd when she chose to move from Texas to her daughter in Illinois the local sister chastised my husband for buying the boxes to help her move. It is dispicable.

Judebee57 - I say let the sisters go to court and hear it from the judge that they need to cease harassing the caretaking sister and your husband, and the existing POA stands - too bad so sad, now pay the legal fees. They might not agree with the legal decisions already made, but that's too darn bad.

Caregiving sister & your husband might need to have an attorney write up a real cease & desist letter warning the others of what can happen in court if they do not stop the harassment. Both sister & husband need to keep a communication log of every single thing coming & going from that group.

OR

Invite the other sisters over to mom's house, and leave them there. Caregiving sister has a bag packed and plane reservations to Cancun. Good luck y'all! Have a blessed time with mom! Can't wait to see how you straighten it all out.

I hope your husband is verbally standing up for himself and the caregiving sister. Sometimes these yappy dogs will shush when a bigger dog snips at them.

sandwich42......that was great. Made me laugh about the plane to Cancun and the bigger dog snipping. I needed that. And you are exactly right about letting them do it for 24/7. Before my sister passed 2 years ago, she would "help" me out for a day when she could fit it in. When I would get back she was MORE than ready to get back to her life.....forget mine. Again, thanks for the smile and laugh.

I envy you that you are able to care for your Mom at home the way you do! I wish I could live with my Mom and take care of her, may God Bless you! People with Dementia want the familiar, and you are her familiar. You know in your heart what is best, how much you can handle and I think it is wonderful that you want to take care of your Mom in this way. Hugs to you, ignore the haters.

grumpyotter: You will be getting a lot of "takes" on what to do with your mother. I did= "just trick her," "move her without her knowledge," and the like, none of which I did.. While my mother was in the hospital and I had to pack up and move in with her, I heard from a cousin I hadn't heard from in 45 years! That I DID NOT NEED!

Thank yoi for your comments...sandwich42. I hope i did not just have your post reported...i hit the wrong button seeking to reply to you. Sorry. It feels great to hear all your comments as it is very stressful. We lost our 27 year old only Son 3 years ago and run our own business and do d*mn good job with all the adversity placed at our feet as well as the caretaker sister. And yes i will post the judges reponse. We have hired a family law attorney yesterday and will no more today. It seems to me that having a will in your younger years and stating your wishes at that time should still stand during and not be able to be manipulated during health issues as this is the my husbands Mothers wishes. Ugggg....we have tried to be diplomatic and accommodating to visitation and avoid having to keep them permanently void of communicating....BUT they could end up forcing their Mom into questioning her mental status and that is awful. She is very happy and we want to keep her that way. She wants for nothing. These sistera dont even ask what can they do help. So selfish. Thank you all for your advice...pretty spot on as to how we feel. If my husband and his sister didnt Love her so much they would pack her bags and put her on their doorstep...but that would be cruel and we dont want her to be a rag doll that is pulled back and forth. She walked in the snow to her nursing job raising 8 children...gave up personal things to give to her kids. She doesnt deserve this.