Did anyone else's relationship fall apart because of the stress of caregiving?

Caring for an aging narcissist or someone who is extremely ill or with dementia
is incredibly stressful. I'd like to think that all normal parents would not want to
put their kids through that. Narcissists on the other hand..... My father actually
brightens up when things go badly for me. He likes drama and as well I think in
his mind a string of bad luck might make me the right kind of broken: Isolated,
dependent, subservient. Just existing to wait on him hand and foot. That kind of
demand on anyone is not reasonable and a relationship killer for sure.

His demands never cease, and like the old saying goes--"no good deed goes unpunished" . Whenever I do something out of the ordinary to treat him, it
becomes the new normal. Add to that the added complication of a whole slew
of ambulance chasers who wait in the wings to stir up trouble and fuel his
constant complaints about me. Their "caring" meddling ie someone who came to
"organize" but instead ended up snooping through his financials, adds endless stress
to an already stressful situation.

All of this has caused an enormous strain on my relationship with son, who
resents the near daily intrusion into our lives and being treated either
like a servant or as if he is invisible when we visit. To make it even more painful,
my father fawns over everyone else and has created many close relationships with random care givers, their kids and grandkids. These folks in turn appear to hope that there will be a payday somewhere down the line and resent the hell out of me, treat me
with disrespect, even contempt. I have to guard against them taking him out of the facility for a "fun day" when he has almost zero mobility, and is high fall risk. Or being
bullied by his friend's who question my decisions for his care. Despite my father having
enough money to cover his own costs, it appears that the consensus is that I should be
covering some of his costs. I guess so he can leave some of the money to them?!

I haven't been able to live it feels, and I'm so exhausted I'm dangerously close to
not caring. I have hobbies and things I love to do, just no energy or health or funds
to pursue them. : ( . I'm also worried that the lack of consideration shown by my
father to us will cause a further stressor in my relationship with my son.

And all my father does is worry about his care, his entertainment and his status within
the retirement community. His old friends, who have become less active and incapacitated by illness are mostly forgotten. Black hole of care giving + your life =
disappearing relationships, health, hobbies, work, dreams, travel, etc.

To an aging narcissist (or for any narcissist for that matter) you are just a vending
machine of stuff: care, entertainment, comfort, money, advocacy, etc, etc. I truly
think they prefer that their care givers have no life. That way they are always
available. When entering into a care giving arrangement with an aging narcissist,
proceed with the upmost caution.

Ladies and Gents I do believe we've found it; the weirdest phishing attempt so far on Aging Care...

Thanks for the laugh "Witnney"!

Hearing what others like me are going through is strangely reassuring but sad. I am taking care of both of my parents with Dementia. My husband and I moved them in with us 8 months ago and I don't know how much more I can take. My mom is very verbally abusive, especially to my dad and I and anyone else who won't do what she wants when she wants it. All that matters are her needs. She constantly complains about how her life has changed but gives me the guilt trip when I say mine has as well!
My husband has become distant and it would not surprise me if he is looking for pleasure elsewhere as I have little time for him or for sex.
Our life was so peaceful and sexy before and now I feel like I have completely lost myself. My entire life revolves around their needs.
I am the oldest and only daughter and my two brothers have little time to even take them out for dinner let alone a weekend so my husband and I can feel normal again.
All I know at this point is that I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN!

I don't even try to date - I would have very little energy/time left over after working F/T, taking care of a home/maintenance/and now mom who is 91 moved back in. I try and get together with my girlfriends for a movie, happy hour, wine tastings. My mom is independent but how much longer will that last? My brother tied up all her money without me knowing it and has an explosive temper. My mother is afraid to even ask him for her own damn money! This has left me feeling very anxious about my/our future. My two brothers seem to think living with her is a picnic and she's going to live forever! i finally sent my oldest brother a text telling him we all need to get together and TALK! I cannot and will not do it all. And yes I've suffered depression, anxiety over her hard to please attitude. But I have a friend who is like me taking care of 2 elderly parents - with no help from his 2 sisters. So we understand what the other is going through. He moved away to go back to school but we are both still hoping to be reunited one day.

I can relate to the majority of these familiar stories. I, too, am assisting or should I say, trying to assist my husband with his mother who is suffering from dementia. We have gone through countless caregivers. No one is good enough to take care of her according to my husband;At times, me included. Not only is her dementia taking it's toll on our 38 year marriage, it's also affecting his health. My husband has high blood pressure and had an heart attack a few years ago.He is stressed out all the time! Anyway, for better or worse...right?

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is using you. I'd leave to let him, his mother and the live in caregiver to deal with it for he obviously can't put you before his mother which is not a good thing.

I'm taking care of my boyfriend's mother and after only a month and a half, we're on the verge (if we didn't already) of breaking up. I've been irritated, anxious, stressed and sick of being stuck with her. I'm alone all day, the only two people I see and talk to is she, who only talks about how she's not  feeling well or simply complains about something, or about stuff that is completely not how I see the world; and then the live-in caregiver who we hired but doesn't do much. So lately I've been very angry at these opportunists, manipulators and my bf's assumption that I'm just making a better use of my time...like a hobby. I've asked and begged him to do something about it, and  became what I never wanted to be: a nagger!  Now he's tired of hearing me, and I'm tired of his selfishness. . He says he can't take it anymore (!) I said I can't take it anymore and if it's too much for him, then we should take a break and he said great. I'm not sure if I mean it or not, but I couldn't control myself anymore. I'm stressed. If I can't talk about this without crying, it means this situation is causing me a lot of stress and I'm feeling powerless to solve it

Hello, I'm very sorry to hear about your father's passing and the financial struggles/relationship strains going on as a result of the thoughtful caregiving you provided to your father. I've experienced a similar situation, but not with a boyfriend, instead it's with siblings. My 81-year old father is currently in a nursing home and not happy about it. He has numerous health problems and is in the best place to receive proper care. However, there are unsupportive siblings who pretty much don't care that he's in there and is waiting for their inheritance after he passes. I understand it being very difficult to find regular employment under such stressful conditions. Sure, if someone is willing to work a low-wage/low-skilled job such as fast-food or retail, they could probably find work pretty quickly, but how fulfilling would that be? What are your interests? With your experience being a caretaker for your father, would a career as a CNA be a consideration for you? If not, maybe short-term training at a community college could offer some choices. As for your boyfriend, he sounds pretty insensitive to your situation and is only concerned with your earning a paycheck, no matter where it comes from which is a shallow point of view. Good thing he moved out because you don't need any more stress. Just focus on you now and what you would like to do next.

That would be very hard to have your SO leave because you feel you are doing the right thing. I on the other hand do not even try to date or find anyone right now as my mother has moved back in with me AGAIN for the 3rd time. She is now 90 - in good health - still drives. But how much longer can this last? I have finally realized how very manipulative she is and my life is now very unhappy. I really want her to move OUT and get her own apt. in a senior living facility. She seems to be getting much more difficult to communicate with and seems to get angry with ME because she cannot hear. She will not go get her hearing checked - use the cane I bought her because she is starting to lean on everything (including me). I have people tell me how lucky I am to still have my mother. I do not feel that way. I feel burdened, unappreciated for all that I do (and have done) for her in her life. My other two siblings hardly ever come around. I'm a FT employed/single homeowner and I refuse to give up my job, life, friends for her. I've already given up trying to have a b/f but I still leave and do things that I enjoy and to have time to myself. Not sure what is down this road but I refuse to let my mental and physical health suffer anymore than it already has. I'm always telling people she will probably outlive me! I've already suffered a major back injury (probably from moving her from her apt. by MYSELF), shingles and another weird rash which just "appeared" and I think all of this can be attributed to stress! I also refuse to let "guilt" rule the day. Been there...done that. I guess I've learned to love myself because for years I didn't. Constant criticism from her didn't help either. I just don't care what she says to me anymore. I know I deserve to have a life as she did. Her family of 9 kids put her mother in a nursing home and she only went to see her a few times a year. So I'm not sure why she thinks I should be her caretaker.

Fake poster Cloris Brighton has been reported. So far this is the only (first?) of these periodic posts lauding the efforts of some witch doctor.

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I have taken care of my Mom since 2010. She is difficult and that's on a good day. I was in a relationship, but no more. I could never go out and she allows me to have no friends in "her" house. I've reached the end of my rope. I can't bear being so isolated. I'm moving 1200 miles away where I have friends. My brother who has done nothing can deal with her. He conned her into building this duplex and she signed her half over to him. He can deal with her. Let him find out what a mean old lady she is. I've done my time.

My brothers marriage of 40 years ended when his wife became the full time caregiver for her mother for 10 years. He told me " If I could do it over, I would have hired a caregiver from an agency to take care if my MIL & we could have still had our lives". It's so sad to see & hear how often relationships are destroyed when you try to do what you feel is right out of love, but your life is destroyed in the process. Now, my brother (age 66)is very ill & on dialysis. The best years of his life, lost while supporting his MIL with Alzheimer's for 10 years. MIL lived to be 97.

Cmagnum, you summed up my own ILs as well as my own feelings towards them. My advice to every caretaker is to NOT lose yourself or neglect your own relationships. Know when it's time to let go, and find other care for parent or IL. Consult with an elder care attorney if necessary if there's a shared home or other property involved. See a counselor; find a trusted social worker (though I personally don't trust the ones affiliated with APS) who can help with the paperwork and assessments to place your loved one in the proper care facility.

In your case, Rosie, it sounds like there were other problems with your BF which would have been there regardless of your being a caregiver. Shake it off as far as he goes, you deserve better! You have your life back now, so take care of YOU, and eventually you'll find the right one when YOU are ready. Don't be in any rush, enjoy your freedom honey! ;)

help, just thought that might have been why you've been carrying the weight due to changes in the economy

Yes, unfortunately you're not alone. After my father passed away, I was all my mother had and it put a terrible strain on our relationship of almost 12 years. Between that coupled with some of my own health issues crap hit the fan. We never knew when mom was just gonna pop in and now that's she's sick it makes it even harder. I'm at the point where the thought of a relationship is unheard of.

Thanks tacy and deb. He fathers just stubborn on a walker most of the time and puts all the weight on him. I just want it to be some type of balance its just overwhelming for us both😩

Deb he's not in construction.

also, help, I was wondering if your boyfriend was in construction, not his dad, from your statement about the economy, thought maybe why you'd had to pick up the load; know my son was affected by that

helpasis, I understand, but probably have to agree with tacy, not sure what culture she's talking about her boyfriend's parents, but that seems to be the situation with my hub's aunt and uncle; his dad was a lot the same way - at least as far as he was concerned, now when it came to hub's mom's family he didn't feel that way, hm...but unc thinks he should at least be cared for by family, like his mom was, who, though, did end up going to live with his sister, her daughter, but that was her, but his brother was cared for at home, even being bedridden, which actually might have been easier, because he at least wasn't trying to get up and having to be gotten up, like he was having his wife do, not realizing how hard it was on her, especially she only weighs about half what he does, so would probably be even more so with a son, in the sense of not realizing because he for sure probably thinks it wouldn't be a problem, so I think that's quite likely the situation. Things got really bad between them because he wouldn't say anything to son and didn't want her to either, but she somewhat would but then maybe things actually began to get better, after they got worse, when she quit because at least then son began to ask what was wrong and as she wouldn't tell, he then began to come around more, so guess in that sense, is like what tacy saying; anyway, as he did, then he began to see the situation and then began to help more, but before it got to that point, there were things said but she's doing better but not sure how that's affecting his relationship, which is where you are; he did get some equipment in to help; could that be what's needed here? would that help?

My daughter tried to have my ex-husband live with her. She, as she put it, fantasized that once she got his meds straightened out and got him eating right, she would have the daddy she never had. Well, it didn't work out, he was consuming her, never wanted her out of his sight. I told her don't say, "put him in a home", say, "got him a studio apartment in town". She got him into assisted living, and both of them are living better, especially my daughter. She isn't angry and frustrated, he is still demanding, but she can say "no" over the phone. He is getting dementia, and trust me, she has enough to do on her farm without the added burden of him. He gets his meds and food in the proper amount and at the proper time. and someone to clean his room.
He isn't happy, but I just laugh and as I told the girls, a couple of years ago I asked him what plans did he have for when he couldn't drive any more. He said, "I don't have any plans, I just go with the flow". Well, that is where the flow took him. After almost 60 years in Palm Springs, he is in Omak Washington in 20 degree weather with snow and ice. Of, course, I am an ex-wife.

I just want him to accept that his son has a life too and not place all the burden on my fiancé as he's over extended himself and is stressed out. It's easier to place him in a nice senior home where he can be watched around the clock. His dad wasn't in construction.

first, Jessie, you were right, wrapped your response around hers, sorry
now, helpasista, his father sounds a lot like my dil's grandparents; they were both that way and brought their sicknesses quite a bit on themselves and both wound up in nursing homes, but not easy processes because he, at least, was even too much for most of them and ended up being placed twice out of state, at least once and maybe both times in special geriatric psychiatric ones but then even too much for one, if not the only, of them; then he only had one daughter who would even take him in and then for his check; she was even taken to court for neglecting him, so...now the grandmother is in somewhat the same situation in the nursing home, Medicaid pending, except the investigation they do showed all the money she'd been giving her daughters, so now she's under investigation for fraud and they are for exploitation, so not sure if Medicaid's going to end up paying or not and if no, then not sure where she's going to go because none of children want to take care of her. So what are you wanting for your fiancé's father? or does it matter, can he just walk away back to the old normal after you've been gone as well? was he, by any chance, in construction?

debdaughter thank you for responding just to give a quick history in the beginning my fiancé was the breadwinner and the last 4 years I've been carrying the weight due to changes in the economy etc. but my fiancée dad has been in and out the hospital the last 2-3 years and my dad was sick the last 5 years. I just happen to have the better job. All in all I love my fiancé and just want things back to normal as I hate to say this his father is a spoiled brat and has always been that way since he was a child as I understand it. In addition to that his sickness is self inflicted as the doctors continue to tell him not to do certain things and he still does which is another strain in itself.

Yes, I ended up divorced. Our life was good until my spouse moved in his mother with dementia about10 years ago. Within a few months it was quite obvious that was a mistake. After three years she went into assisted living, however, by that time our marriage was in serious trouble. His mother seemed to think we always wanted her involved with everything we did or even our conversations. If we'd get into the car to go somewhere, she'd wait outside the garage so she could go to (and with her dog!). Then a few years later my own mother had a stroke and I had no choice but to take care of her. I had to stop working and I stayed at her house for about 1-1/2 years. Problems mounted, then husband moved his mother back in! She ran out of money and couldn't afford assisted living anymore. She was about 93 then. We were going through divorce at that time and he refused to move out with her He was the only child, so the burden turned him into a mean drunk. He was not cut out to take care of anyone. He was a typical spoiled brat that thought that job was for a woman. The police were over more than a few times. It turned into an ugly situation. I removed myself away from it and finally he had to get out. After 20 years, I didn't know this man anymore and wondered if I had ever.

I think this was for Helpasistaout, instead of me. :)

Jessie, first of all, let me tell you how sorry I am about your dad; I can hardly even imagine being on here just 2 wks. after mine passed away, which he did 2 yrs. ago, almost exactly but do have a question; has your fiancé's father just become ill or did he become ill before your dad passed away? also guess I still don't quite understand - "your" bills in both states? your mom's? and maybe I don't quite get the having to help your mom out financially - had your dad still been working and wasn't able to - my dad was also diagnosed with cancer for probably about 5 yrs. before he passed but since he was already retired it didn't seem to affect their finances all that much, if at all and I'm getting from what I'm understand that apparently your fiancé doesn't have a mom in the picture to help take care of his dad or anybody else or dad just doesn't want anybody else - know that after mom passed away, which she was there for most of the time after dad was diagnosed, but after that there was one certain person he wanted, not me necessarily maybe not me at all, but not sure he would have wanted me going back and forth every weekend even when mom was still there, though maybe I should have, maybe she'd still be here - I did end up there quite a bit, however, because in the midst of that, maybe because of it, if I'd thought about it, would fit her, she developed quite a few health problems of her own - but then even after, before or maybe what led to wanting that person, I was also up there quite a bit taking care of him with some things that happened, not necessarily related to his cancer but possibly, but can make it hard on that one person they only want, know that that person for my dad couldn't work and take care of him, especially after my dad started being in and out of the hospital as well, and was glad for a girlfriend he had as well at the time then she almost died in a car wreck and wound up in the hospital as well; now at that point even though dad wanted him, that person did bring in other people to help so he could be with her - I also, maybe somewhat like his aunt also being in the hospital in icu, had someone in icu as well that needed me - does aunt not have anybody else either, no children of her own? - would/does your fiancé have anybody he could bring in to help? And hospice isn't there all the time anyway, although they do have volunteers that can come in more than the nurses do but they wouldn't provide round the clock care, I don't think, anyway so if that's what his dad is needing I don't see how, if he's going to provide it, like this person did for my dad, he could work anyway but I'm not sure I'm quite getting if that's the problem anyway if you've been the primary breadwinner anyway taking care of the bills, unless you'd just like a break yourself with this with your dad, which I can certainly understand, or is just the emotional/comfort aspect of it? maybe I answered my own question as to how long his dad has been ill, since you say you've been put on the back burner "long enough", so does that mean his dad was ill at the same time yours was?

Hey there sorry I was unclear no I traveled back and forth on weekends while my mother cared for my dad during the week. The disconnect was that I've been there for him in every capacity and offered to help where I can and his dad doesn't want help from anyone but him.
I've been the primary breadwinner and taken care of our bills as needed to ensure we both can care give for our families but when my dad passed I needed his comfort where no one else could give it and it wasn't there.

you know, Jessie, didn't think about it when I read it before, but how was she still working if she moved?

deb, I have a feeling that there is more here than I am understanding. Maybe she'll be back with a follow-up. I read it the same way as you, but then I know there are other issues at work here, such as him not working for a while and her footing the bills. I couldn't piece the full picture together with the little bit we were told.

Jessiebelle, I'm with you re helpasista, he stayed while she stayed with her family? now she doesn't like him helping his? huh?

Helpasistaout, I read your message a couple of times to try to sort out what is happening. You moved in with your parents while your father was ill to help them out. You fiance stayed at your place and waited. Is that correct? His family's health also begin to fail, so they have been taking his time. You really need him right now, so don't want him to spend so much time taking care of them. Am I understanding the situation correctly?

Do you and your fiance still love each other? That is the main question. After what you have just been through with your parents, I know you probably sympathize with what he is going through. Maybe you could help him cope with it, since you have gained some experience.

I may not be understanding the situation correctly. But if I am, he sounds like a good man to be giving up on so quickly. Talk to him and see how you can help him work through these things.