Any thoughts are greatly appreciated. For the past 4 years my 76 year old mother has had severe mobility issues. She is obese, high blood pressure, 2 leaking heart valves, lymphedema, stage 3a/b chronic kidney disease, incontinence issues and depression.Cognitively, she’s as sharp as a knife. She becomes verbally abusive to me and tells me to mind my business. In 2023 she refused to seek medical care for a leg infection, passed out in the shower and my husband broke the door down to get her out. She had full body sepsis, did a stint in rehab and was discharged home. She lives downstairs imyhouse. I am an only child, 48 years old, my father left when I was 9-work full-time an hour and a half away from my home. My husband and 17 year old son are also not home in the day. She refuses to have an ablation which may help the leaking fluid from her heart which is pooling in her legs causing chronic infections. She can barely walk and uses a rollator-sometimes a wheelchair for appointments. She cannot sleep in a bed, sleeps slumped over in a recliner and has not been out of the house in 4 years.After her first rehab, I was the primary person changing the wraps and cleaning her legs on a daily basis after working all day. She just expected it. It broke me. I have taken her to the lymphedema clinic for intensive treatments, wound care, vein doctors, cardiology appts, blood work, you name it. I can’t do much more.I have been on Lexapro for severe depression for the past year.Fast forward to today. She was hospitalized the last week of July for another severe infection and (put up a strong fight) but finally agreed to rehab. She has been there since August 1st. I am so thankful they have nursed her back to the best health she can be and is attending physical therapy on a daily basis.She is extremely angry and constantly speaks about coming home. She keeps putting it on me -how would I like it. She claims she is getting her own apartment and she doesn’t need me anymore. The rehab staff is amazing and told me she will be evaluated in October for potential transition to long-care. They feel she will qualify due to the multiple concurrent medical issues. She is outright refusing. I cannot have her back home. I have dark cloud hanging over my head and it makes me physically sick. I was just out of work for a week because I really can’t take much more. I feel a myriad of emotions. She screamed and cursed at me today and said I am the one that needs to be hospitalized and to seek mental help. I am. I am trying but this is all so hard. Please if anyone has advice l, kindly let me know your thoughts. I cry every day. Thanks for reading.
That you have found and gotten all the many documents needed for LTC Medicaid to keep her in this SNF, is quite a feat. If there is a glitch in the paperwork submitted, you totally can do whatever needed to see all this through for her to be determined eligible. If that happens do a fresh question on this forum as many of us have gone thru the LTC Medicaid application process for our parents of in-laws.
Remember for her own health and safety, staying at this NH is where she needs to be. Make this your mantra.
Of course, she won't really be able to. But that leaves it up to the rehab staff to find her a new placement, NOT YOU. LET THEM. Tell them, as often as you need to, that your mother CANNOT move back to your home and moreover, that she has said SHE DOES NOT WANT TO.
Third, she screams and curses and is angry at you. Is this good for her health? NO. So you being involved in her life in unhealthy for you AND FOR HER. So, for both of your sakes, be done. Walk away. Block her calls on your phone. Stop visiting her. She can't scream at you if she can't see you, talk to you, or leave a voicemail for you. This will be better for her.
Btw, the staff really should be medicating her for the anger issues. They should consult with someone in neurology or psychiatry or both. But that is their problem, not yours.
Finally, understand -- really try to internalize -- that NONE of this is your fault. Your mother has been mentally ill for years. Even if she is cognitively sharp, mental health is a separate issue. It has nothing to do with your worth or efforts for her.
Your quality of life matters. Each day, put her issues a little farther behind you, and spend your time and focus on your husband and son and job. Allow them to bring you the happiness and peace that your mother's mental illness has done so much damage to.
Going back to when mom was first discharged after her fall-I did have home care but insurance only covered a nurse to come in 3 days per week. Her legs had to be cleaned, conditioned and applied medicated ointment/wrapped every day. I made up for each day the nurse was not there. That’s when it all really started taking a toll.
Today, I submitted all of the documentation (which was overwhelming in itself) to the social worker for Medicaid for ltc (fingers crossed). Can you imagine that they need a divorce decree from 40 years- ago! The search for the documents has stirred up a whole other slew of emotions. But thankfully I found what was needed.
I genuinely feel my mom has always loved me and has felt a tremendous amount of guilt for the difficult upbringing I endured and continue to endure. She is small-minded and a creature of habit. I feels she comes combative because she’s fighting for her life. My son called her last night and she knew I was in the background. She asked to speak to me and asked “if we could brush things under the rug”. That’s how she deals with things . She doesn’t. I reiterated the importance of her getting the care she needs. She said ok let’s not talk about this tonight. I agreed.
I didn’t go see her today but I did call. She sounds very sad which of course makes me sad. I am working the rest of the week so may not get back until the weekend.
Again, I truly value everyone’s contributions and appreciate all your well wishes. I’m so happy I found this forum. ❤️🩹 Thank you!
Refuse to take her back to your home. Period. It's 100% unfair to your husband and son who should not have to deal with this woman at all or have you so stressed out due to her that you're not fully there for them. Not to mention how sick she's making you!
Mother belongs in LTC 100%. Turn your phone to silent and let her calls go to voice mail. Then erase them all and repeat the following day. You've given up 4 years of your life to housing her and 48 years of your life to dealing with her as an only child. I get it. I was an only child too, the daughter of a woman full of SUCH histrionics and BS that I made the decision early on NEVER to cohabitate with her again. It was Assisted Living all the way for her and THE best decision I ever made.
Cut your losses NOW and take your life back! Before you get so sick you won't be able to recover. Please. You owe it to yourself and to your husband and your son.
There is no easy way. Tell the social workers that she can't return to your home.
My friend who was in rehab and now in LTC rages at her husband who visits daily. She also makes calls and sends texts to every contact in her phone to get her out. She is nice when anyone but her husband visits. When her husband visits she rages.
I'd recommend some therapy for you.
Our experience is there is no easy way to do this and expect tough times as the family member.
I am surprised that you were expected to change Moms bandages? Why was not "in home" set up with a woundcare nurse coming in and doing the changes? With all her problems, she needs to be in care.
Reading between the lines of your post I assume your mother has always been difficult and demanding, perhaps abusive as well? One scenario we see on this forum A LOT is that of adult children of difficult, absent, neglectful or downright abusive parents moving heaven and earth trying to make the difficult parent “happy” at the expense of their own physical and mental health, marriage, career, finances, and even their relationships with their own children and grandchildren. To an outsider it looks like an attempt to finally earn the love and approval of the difficult parent, who may not be capable of providing it. 😞
I vote for not taking this toxic woman back into your home. Enough is enough!