I feel guilty asking this question, but has anyone regretted their decision to let a family member move in? I think I made a mistake.

Absolutely right! We play the hand we have...but most of us had a lot to do with the cards that are in that hand...

I moved in with my parents almost 12 years ago. I gave up my house and job, because my father had been in an automobile accident and my mother complained constantly whenever I called to check on my father saying how exhausted she was. So, I left everything and moved back home--I was 52 at the time. Since I have been back in my parents' house, my father passed. I have had to stay on with my mother because her health seemed to deteriorate--not from missing my father, who was not a kind man, but from back and knee problems and breast cancer. The main problems I am having is that I have 2 siblings. One does a few things here and there to help. The other practically does nothing. I am the one taking care of my mother for the most part. I take her to the various doctors' offices, to church once a month, take her anywhere else she needs to go, cleans her house, do grocery shopping, pay several of her bills, help her with her paperwork, plus about 300 other things. Inspite of giving up everything for her, she treats me so mean. I treat her like a princess. She complains about me to my siblings, reminds me of the financial sacrifices she has made for me over the course of my life, shows me receipts from 1955, etc., of things she has paid for me, won't let me date anyone, won't let me invite anyone to dinner, doesn't ever want me going out of her sight for long--even to go to work. If I manage to go away for 2 days, she pouts and won't speak to me. I could go on and on. You would not believe the many seriously hurtful things she has said to me over the last 11 years, since I have been in her home, and how critical she is of everything. My spirit has become broken and I don't know what to do. I can't depend on anyone else to really help and I would feel guilty leaving her alone (she will be 88 soon).

I never regretted having my mother move in with my family. She had had four heart attacks in September and close to late stage of AD. My husband retired at the end of September and spent alot of him time with her. What I regretted was expecting my siblings to do an equal percentage amount of care. I would have been happy with any support from them.

Yes, constantly. Try and separate it, make the person a client not family, I know lame, but there is no really good advice for the overall situation, lots a little things here and there can help. Do what you need to do for help and support, demand support and take good care of yourself!!!

can area agency on aging keep elderly person in a facility even if family is capable and willing to care for them in their home?

i want to care for my motherinlaw in my home .she currently resides in a personal care facility but is behind with rent payment and was to be evicted until agency on aging became involved. they will not allow her to leave the facility even to visit or go out with the family.is this legal?

For 2 yrs. i have been taking care of my 82 yr old mom. She needs to be evulated mentally. Who do i talk to about this and how do i tell her i don't think she's crazy? I also have my 38yr. old son and his 8 yr. old daughter living with us. My husband and i are at our wits-end!!!I know it sounds like we are the crazy ones.We have been through a really hard time financially and mentally. We have managed to survive but we really could use some advice. Thanks

My MIL has lived with us for 3 years now. She first moved in when she was sick. She has since recovered, 2 years later. She does have macular degeneration but that is her only problem other than being 70 years old. My thing is, she has home 100 feet from our house but lets her mildly mental disabled son live there. I want my privacy back!! I also want a clean house back!! What do I do? My husband and I fight constantly lately. He told me, "well I'm taking care of my mother." I want to talk to her but what do I say and how do I approach the situation. She also has 2 other children, which she refuses to stay with. I am miserable.

Not for a moment. I'd been asking my Mom to move in with me for a couple of years (she lived four hours away with her sister) and she kept turning me down. She was cargiver for my Aunt but it was clear to me it had become too much for her. She wasn't even taking care of herself. After a particularly frightening medical crisis for her, I casually raised the issue again. She looked at me and said without hesitation, "I think that would be a good idea." That was five years ago. It's been a crazy ride with a lot of paramedic visits, ER visits, hospital admissions, rehab stays, and skilled nursing facility stays. Mom had a heart attack in May 2012 and it's been crazy ever since. At this point she is still in the SNF and we are awaiting approval of her MediCal application, at which time my goal is to get her on In Home Health Services and find her a caregiver. Then she can come back home.
If I hadn't moved her in, I would have regretted it the rest of my life. It was the right thing to do. I am not saying it's easy because it's been incredibly stressful, both emotionally and financially. But it is the right thing to do.

Sometimes it is the right thing to do, and sometimes it is not. MIL asked to move in, and we said yes. I am not sure that was the right answer. We have one child left at home, who is a very good kid. MIL almost has a sibling rivalry thing going. She clearly does not like him. She is mean and nasty, and generally making his life miserable. She complains to my husband about him. My husband tries to be diplomatic, but she points out that she is old and wise and has raised more boys than we have. I have had it. If I have to pick between a happy home for our son or my MIl, it is not a hard decision. I also want my privacy back and a de-cluttered house. Mostly, I want the "black clou" lifted.

We tried this, it was obviously not going to wrok . We found a lovely siisted care facility nearby. Its a much better situation for all.

YES!

I should qualify my answer and say that IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW - My MIL would never been invited to be here.

I never realized how tired, trapped and unappreciated I would feel nor how weird things would get with her thinking and how much she would hurt me. But, hindsight is 20/20.

I started out being this idealistic, kind-hearted 'I'll help with everything' person who ended up wearing herself to a frazzle and HITTING THE WALL. I fell into that deep, black hole of depression and despair and have somehow (and I hope it is not just temporary) managed to crawl part way out. I see light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in a long time - it is just a flicker - but I can at least see it.

Would I or could I ever recommend to someone I love or care about that THEY should become a caregiver? NO. NEVER. Sorry. It is just too darned hard physically and emotionally. It isn't fair either. There isn't ever enough help. Breaks are few and far between. You are on call 24/7. No one who isn't a care giver even understands and there just isn't enough of anything except CRAP.

And a lot of the time it isn't anyone's fault - it just IS THE WAY IT IS. People get old, they get cranky, they get mixed up, they get difficult and they can be hurtful - especially if we love them. That's when it hurts the most.

We can't fix what's wrong with them and they can't stand what's wrong with them - they get angry and depressed and take it out on us - the one person who is trying to help. But we represent - not their caring friend - but we REPRESENT EVERYTHING THEY HAVE LOST. The more we must do represents the more they have lost. They take it out on us.

Sometimes they just 'lose it' completely and they can't help it and we can't help it. But it is hard just the same. There needs to be more assistance that is available to the care giver. It is all left to families and a lot of time families just don't care for the care giver - they haven't done any care giving and they just HAVE NO IDEA or just don't give a care.

That leaves the caregiver DOING IT ALL for years and years. All the while watching their loved one get more and more frail and knowing how it will end. We also are reminded DAILY of our own mortality. Our 'golden years' are spend nursing someone through their 'rusty years.' How does it end? We all know how it ends. Sadly. We lose them. After all this, after all we have done for them - we will lose them - if we haven't already due to dementia.

Nope, if I had it to do again, I would be a kind onlooker who visited regularly. I don't want any of my children to go through what I have - it is far too painful.

I know that not everyone feels as I do. There are those strong, noble folks out there with the strength of a giant who 'just keep on ticking' like the Energizer bunny. I am not one of them. I am tired.

Take care everyone. I hope I didn't dampen your day.

I am sure I asked the exact same thing on this forum after about the first month of being a caregiver...as I am sure you will hear many of us stating the same thing. We all have our regrets. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. My mom has dementia...we are here for what ever it takes.
But it sounds like you mom in law is doing better. She shouldn't expect to be living with you the rest of her life. It's your house and your life..you need to live it now. I'm sure there are many different options for places for her to live. I wouldn't feel guilty about the time you gave her.

I am in my first month as caregiver. I don't know whether I can run this race to the finish. I alternate between feeling sorry for him and having compassion for him, and wondering how it got to this point and I ended up being the one to look after my father in law.
My husband says I am NOT a caregiver, he is simply living with us because he is still mobile and so I don't belong on a forum like this. After having him around for a month, I want to take my kids and run away.
Do I regret this? Big time. I identify completely with oldcodger!

Susan26-going on 4 months with MIL. We have some dementia, but MIL is pretty mobile. She does not require hands on care. She is very cranky often. She is constantly critiquing how we live- everything from dish soap to how we parent. I find myself hiding in my own home. I miss my tranquil home. There are levels of caregiving. FIL is in your home. You qualify. Also, what I find most helpful is reading posts by those further along than we are. It helps me to be a voice of reason with my husband. For example, are we prepared to handle incontinence? What about waking us up in the night? It is helping us be more realistic about what we have gotten in to, and to set boundaries now. Also, sometimes you just need to vent.

For all the NEW caregivers out there - be careful. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is to keep the money separate!!! That will then leave you with the option of moving them into other forms of care such as Assisted Living or a nursing home. If you co mingle the money - you will screw yourself up. Don't co-mingle the money!! EVER.

Yes, set limits. It is your home. And yes, it starts out with them just being there - but as time goes on it MORPHS. You will do more and more as they are able to do less and less. It doesn't end until the move on to another type of care situation or they die. Sad, but true. Either way - you will feel ENORMOUS GUILT. Some of you will destroy your marriages or strain them to the point that your relationship may never be the same.

Those caregivers who have husbands or wives who think they are NOT caregivers - well, I will just say your situation isn't good. You need the support of your mate. Often they are the ONLY ones who support you. If you are not on the same page - it will turn out badly.

READ everything you can on this forum. Look ahead at what old age brings. Yes, it brings on crankiness (at the very least), dependence, dementia, incontinence, lots of ER and doctor visits - you name it. As the older loved one gets older - everything goes South. It just cannot be helped. It happens. Most of us are ill prepared to handle the demands - and you will soon find that most of your family are perfectly willing to sacrifice YOU to their parent without so much as a thank you or a dime.

Sorry to be so dismal. It doesn't matter how much we love the older one - it is just plain hard. Period.

I am amazed by the support and caring of the people on this forum. In just the short month I have been doing this, you have all helped me so much.

I have experienced/am experiencing the non caring family right now; we are in the early stages so I think it is partly absolute relief that they don't have to do this, and perhaps partly ignoring the real situation out of guilt. It is a very "invisible" feeling, almost like they don't want to engage too much in case I ask them for help, or tell them how it really is. Far easier to send platitudes, and tell us of their very busy lives, than actually get in and roll up their shirt sleeves and do anything.

Yesterday I gave my husband a list of my non-negotiables that he needs to address if he wants this to work. I was very clear that I will not sacrifice me or the kids for this, and so if he wants this to work, he needs to step up and recognise some issues and then address them. I know it was Christmas Day, but I just couldn't deal with it all behind the scenes any longer. I made it very clear that if he is reading a different book, then this won't work, and that he needs to take a long hard look at the situation, because the indispensible one in this whole equation is ME. If he drives me away because he cannot /will not see the real picture, then he is up the proverbial creek without a paddle, because I am the one who does it all whether he is at home or work. I have given him a time frame to sort things out, so was not unreasonable; just very clear on the problems, the impact it was having on me, the kids, and on him, and that this could not continue.

@mywits end .... snap! I have always had the most quiet, peaceful home, which was a safe haven for us all. Now I am criticised for the way I look after my kids, clean my house, do the washing, cook the food, even buying the food is up for target practice, as I spend too much on unneccesary frivolities. My home is no longer a refuge, and we find ourselves hiding too ...even my in denial husband hides from him!!!!

I read this forum, it seems one of the biggest issues here is guilt, as in damned if I do, damned if I don't, the guilt is going to be there. The bottom line seems to be: how much am I prepared to sacrifice for this? how much is my husband prepared to?

I feel desperately sorry for my FIL. Must be hell to get so old and not be able to do a damn thing about it. But it was like I finally made a decision yesterday: if we go down and break apart, then it will be even worse for him. I am feeling a bit stronger in this, now that I have had reached my non-negotiable point.

Thank you for all your support to a new-comer.

I have been my families caregiver since I was pretty young actually. My Grandfather (who I adored) had a very serious stroke and really struggled to come back to us... He then began having periods of apnea and became weaker So I went and lived with my Grandparents and helped to care for my Poppa till her passed away. It was not easy but they needed me so I was there. The last conversation my Grandfather and I had was about my Grandma... He was concerned about her, and really did not want to leave her. I promised him I would care for her, and I did. By the time Grandma became ill I had gotten married and had two young sons, 6 and 3. She lived with us, we loved her, and she wanted to be with us. My boys were kind and very loving to her. They didnot see her die nor did they see the undertaker come and get her... They do however have wonderful memories of their Great Grandma. When my Dad was diagnosed with metasatic cancer, I cared for him. Living the last 3 weeks of his life in my parents home with them. I am telling you all this to tell you, I know it is not easy. However I think that EVERY situation is differant. I think it is important to have support and encouragement and cooperation from other family members. One thing I always think of is when your loved one is gone, you can not go back and change things. I personnally am thankful that I have had the priviledgeof caring for my loved ones. I am not saying this to make anyone feel badly or quilty! I am sharing what my experience has been... I think YOU have to do what works in your family... take care and God bless...

Only out of sheer desperation should you move an elderly in with you or move in with them. Nine out of ten have regretted the decision even though it started out as a noble gesture. Relationships, finances and health to the caregivers are the main collateral damages to this situation. Once the elderly person dies, the damage done cannot be recovered. This is a harsh reality of life, but one that has to be considered. Many lives ruined is not compensation for the care of one elderly.

I think the main thing is the personality of the elder - often things start out well and then deteriorate rapidly once they lose all their independence and become frustrated and hateful.

Also, a lot depends on whether or not other family members help out or NOT - and it is usually NOT!! It ends up being ONE PERSON DOING IT ALL and that one person crashes.

I believe we start out doing this care giving out of love and noble intentions - but it morphs into something else entirely before it's over. Sorry, it rarely has a happy ending like yours Jaye............................. :0(

I don't understand the guilt that people feel if they help their loved ones to live in an environment that is best able to meet their needs. Having your loved one live in an environment where people ( you!) are stressed is not in their or your best interest! We brought my boyfriends elderly, mentally ill mother from another state to live with us. I knew within a week that it was not the best place for her and not the best situation for us. She needed round the clock care with people trained in elder care, specifically dementia and mental illness. I could not leave her alone in the house and her mental illness made her afraid to step outside. She would wake several times a night and bang on my bedroom door demanding breakfast... She even would yell out how she wanted her toast, what type if jelly and hiw she wanted her eggs prepared. She would pull her pants down and start urinating on the carpet.......I could go on and on. I do NOT feel any guilt for finding an assusted living community that can care for her. We visit her weekly and after a few minutes of visiting with us , she happily asks us to leave ( she likes her privacy) She as her own space can order what she wants from the dining room, gets help with showering, etc from trained folks. Its a win win situation! PLEASE, if you are stressed by your situation,your loved one will feel that stress... get over the idea of guilt, do what us BEST for your loved ones !

dear notmymom - your situation was extreme and therefore much easier to assess for what it was - a mistake. Most of us go into care giving in an entirely different way. Our loved ones may only need minimal assistance at first and over time - often years - the situation deteriorates with their failing health.

Then there are those of us who make 'promises' that should never be made - such as 'we will NEVER put you in a home' and then years later we find that it may be necessary - we must break that promise - therefore - we experience guilt.

Please know that not every circumstance is the same nor are any two people the same. There are as many scenarios as there are people on this forum - we each struggle to do the right thing for our loved one and for ourselves.

I am glad that your boyfriend's mother got the help she needs. It was obvious that you could not provide it. Not every situation is as clear cut nor the decisions as easily made. Be her advocate. She needs one. Take care of yourselves too. :0) I appreciate your thoughts.

We have had some successes!

Small steps but oh so huge for me. My husband this morning said he thinks we may have made a huge mistake about having his dad live with us, so finally .... we are on the same page.

Hubby has been home from work for the Christmas holidays, so he has been exposed to him 24/7 as well, and he is getting frazzled by the constant presence and negativity.

He had a long talk to his dad, and convinced him to sit down to wee ... he showed him the wee on the floor every time he goes to the loo, and so his dad is now sitting down to wee. Success!!!!! He took him shopping for some new clothes, and explained that him not keeping clean habits is making the entire house smell really bad, and that hygiene is a non negotiable aspect of him living here. If he wants to live here, he will be clean, and he will wear clean clothes ... and so far, clean underpants in the wash everyday for the past week. Success!!!! (Still no socks coming through yet, but hey, baby steps!)

He watched him making upwards of 10/12 cups of coffee everyday, raiding the fridge and the cupboards all day long, and realised that I wasn't making this stuff up. He has been shopping with me twice and seen how much I am now spending on groceries ... and how quickly it is all disappearing! And he has seen first hand the way he communicates with the kids, and heard the comments he makes to us all, and so is beginning to see the impact this is having on our entire family.

Success!!!!!

So, we haven't really spoken about the next step yet. But this morning, my husband said he was really sorry for doing this to our family. I feel as though I can breathe again.

Susan26- yes, being home over the holidays has been an eye opener for my husband as well. I think he is at the end of his rope spending every day with his mother. The constant negativity is hard to live with. He agrees we need to come up with another arrangement. Our kids have defined "safe zones" where grandma does not go to (basement, 2nd floor). This is sad to me. My husband has apologized as well, but I know he is in a tough spot. I am hoping we figure something out in the next few months.

I hope you realize what an enormous step these realizations have been for your family and relationships MyWitsEnd and Susan26. There is absolutely nothing worse than NOT HAVING THE SUPPORT OF YOUR MATE. It is often very hard for them to comprehend the impact of caregiving to the family dynamics and to you personally. So, you both have seen an enormous improvement - although things with the elder may have only improved a tiny bit. So happy to read your posts today :0) It makes such a difference when two people are on the same page. It is a good starting point.

@Mywitsend .... so, first part of the battle is won in that both our men see the real situation, and not the fairytale romance that they wanted it to be. I so completely understand their desire to be there for their parent, but the real impact of living with it and in it day in and day out is just relentless.

We are also in a rough spot, in that his dad really cannot afford to go into an assisted home, they are really super expensive here, but at least we are now both on the same side, and not him dismissing me as being negative and depressed.

He has seen me try so very hard over the holidays to make everything pleasant, so he now knows this isn't me making things up just to make him feel bad about moving his dad in. He can't stand the smell of his dads clothes, and begged me to do something, so I am now washing the whole lot again in vinegar which kills bacteria, and then rewashing again with normal washing liquid and softener!

So here's to us both, with baby steps. I hope your situation improves slowly but very surely, and that we both find alternative solutions in time for this. I don't know about you, but just the thought that this ISN"T go to be forever has given me new strength to cope.

PS: We made a little tv lounge upstairs on the landing next to my daughter's bedroom, where my study used to be. It is our designated safe spot, as it is in the attic. Moved my desk next to my husbands desk so we are both cramped side by side, but I felt it was far more important for the kids to have a time out space where they can crash and just watch tv if they need time alone. Got a very second hand tv to put there, with the dvd player, and they both at least feel they can breathe as well.

Oldcodger, thank you. Always so supportive, thankyou! :-) :-)

My MIL moved in with us at the beginning of Nov. 2012. She is 84, and it took me about a week to start regretting it. She is very negative, and just a bitter woman, who has to have constant attention. It has taken a load off of my husband, he doesnt have to worry about if she is being mistreated or if she is eating, but has been a daily struggle for me.She isnasty and callous to me all day, and when my husband gets home from work she is totally different, talking about how "cute" and "nice" I am..I wanna barf.I've got her number and started recording our conversations-that way, if there is ever a question on how she is while he is away all I have to do is push play.

Dear Macismom - Covering your rear - so to speak - by recording - is a good thing. These older ones are very angry - and who do they take it out on? The one who does the most for them - the caregiver. And it is absolutely true that they can be one person with us and a completely different person with others - my MIL can turn it on/off like a light switch :0(

I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with such negativity. I hope your hubby has not decided to make a 'human sacrifice' of you. That is how I felt for a very long time. Poor hubby was caught in the middle and he never saw his mother the way I saw her and never heard her utter an unkind word - until last December after she had a small stroke. SHE MADE SURE THAT ANYTHING UNKIND OR HURTFUL WAS SAID WHEN SHE WAS ALONE WITH ME - NO WITNESSES.

He finally saw the 'light' - literally - and apologized to me and told me he would NEVER take his mothers' side against me again or downplay the seriousness of how she was making me feel.

Since then, we have set boundaries. My hubby explained this to his mother - more than once - explaining the reason why she was no longer allowed to just 'walk into our home unannounced' etc., etc. But, she chooses to pretend (surely she is pretending, since it was all explained to her and she does not have dementia) that she does not understand WHY. Only recently telling our son that she has NO IDEA why I (hubby is never included in any accusation - everything is always MY fault and MY idea even though he and I both agreed that the separation was necessary for us ALL) keep our doors blocked. In her pitiful little voice she asked "Why does SHE do that?' Does she really NOT know why? Even though hubby told her? Nope. She will always be the victim. I am the villain. So be it. At least now I have peace and a semblance of sanity again. We all need our 'safe zones.'

Actually, the separation has been good for her too. I don't hover as closely and she has had a long 'time out' and is being nicer to both my hubby and myself. I will continue to limit my contact with her to just necessary interactions. The days of my being her entertainer, her escort, her chauffeur, etc., etc. are over. Just necessary interactions. IF she reverts back to her hatefulness - we will go back to hubby dealing directly with mom again until she straightens up.

As I said, her doctor said she does not have dementia. She is just angry. I know many of you have a lot more serious things to deal with. But, really, sometimes the little things can be sooooo irritating :0( But, things are better here since our 'separation' in August. For now, this is working.