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I am the only child of a now 95 year old mom. My dad passed away in 2009. My mom has been living alone since then, in her own 1 bedroom apartment, in Brooklyn NY, by her own choice. My wife and I live about 5 miles away from her, also in Brooklyn NY. My wife, who is my 2nd wife, of now over 12 years, and I had been providing help for my mom, as caregivers since we married. I was previously divorced as of 1990, and had moved back to Brooklyn from Staten Island, and was helping my mom take care of my fragile father until he died. I continued to take care of my mom after my dad died. My mom has always expected everything from me, finding fault with everything I did. She has always been extremely critical, negative, and abusive, as long as I can remember. We have never gotten along. My new wife is extremely caring, and devoted. My mom has been abusing her as well from day one. My mom and I had a very bad blow off this past March, and have not spoken since then. I have a married son with 3 children in Arizona, who my mom has put in charge of all of her affairs, a very long time ago, I recently learned. Every time I have tried to keep a civil relationship with my mom, it has failed, since we have had many blow offs in the past. She claims she does not want professional help, which my son and I know she really needs. She is still able to get around, using a walker, and is extremely independent. She does not have Medicaid, so she would have to pay for professional care if she wanted it, which she doesn't. She expects me to be there for her 24/7. Do you have any advice?

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Kanterd, I'm not sure where you are in Brooklyn, but Heights and Hill is a really good organization and had given me amazingly good advice when I was dealing with my mom.
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You can only do so much for your parent. I recently had to accept this fact. You CAN'T make your parents happy. No matter what you do, how much time you give them, even if you devote your whole life to them, give up everything, you can't make them happy. That is up to them . It's impossible to be with your mom 24/7 . You have to work, take care of your children and wife, spend time with your friends, have hobbies . You can't do all that, and be with your mom 24/7. She's 95? It might be best to consider assisted living, nursing home, or home healthcare, respite care, or a caregiver companion for company . Adult day care, actives for elderly parents . If I were you, I'd start looking into other options now rather than later, you don't want to wait till your forced to put your mother in a facility . Because if you wait till your forced too, you won't have enough time to look into options, the good and bad in each choice that you need to make. You'll be forced to just pick something, without thinking everything through... Talk to a social worker, now . I wish you the best, keep us updated .
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You have said it like it is Kanterd358, and no Person knows better than You as It is You Who is and have been Caring for Your Mom all of this time. Hard as You try it is impossible to get along with Your Mom because She's impossible ? I would suggest You and Your Son discuss having Your Mom put into a nice Care facility and sell Your Mom's appartment to pay for the costs. Peace and harmony is priceless, where as rage and anger must be Soul destroying, and neither You or Your Mom can Live like this. You must be retired now
Kanterd or approaching retirement and You and Your Wife need to be spending real quality time together now. Live Your life while You can as in twenty years time You will be approaching Your elder years. Your Mom will settle into the
Care facility You and Your Son choose for Her and grow to love it in no time at all.
Peace to You Kanterd & Your Mom, and I wish You Both well.
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kanterd358 Aug 2019
She is still functioning, not demented, and not a danger to herself, or others, so far. Believe me I've looked into taking over. Neither my son, nor I have any authority to put her in any senior care facility. We can't even get her to have professional help come in to help her out. She won't hear of it. She has to agree, and she won't. It's crazy, but that's how it is. My son keeps tabs on her, coming in occasionally. I am 72 with serious health issues myself, with limited mobility. My wife is 61, but also has serious health issues, with limited mobility as well. There really isn't much my wife and I can do for my mom anyway, but try to explain that to her. It's no use. She only wants us to be there for her all of the time, really as her kicking posts.
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Your son - is an idiot.

I'm sorry, harsh I know, but he is. If there is one situation I really struggle to have sympathy with, it's that of people who accept a responsibility and then think they can delegate it to others when it comes to the spade work.

Is he a child with whom you have historically been able to have emotional, meaningful conversations with? Can he be excused on the grounds that he couldn't possibly begin to understand how difficult the relationship between yourself and your mother is?
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kanterd358 Aug 2019
My son loves to be in control, without having to do any of the work. He loves to delegate, and always has, from day one. I can't really reason with my son, because I'm not telling him what he wants to hear, which is that I will take care of my mom. That's all he wants to hear. Taking the burden off of his shoulders. My wife and I really can't help my mom anyway, even if she was easy to get along with. We both have limited mobility ourselves due to health issues. My mom is still mobil (using a walker), intelligent, stubborn, not demented, critical, and as negative as they come. There is no reasoning with her, and there never has been. I have tried to convince her to get professional help, but she won't hear of it.
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"She has often told my son, that I should be taking constant care of her, and yes my son is pressuring me, to take the load off of his back."

I think the main concern for you is to remain on good terms with your son, correct? And your communications with him revolve around his grandmother's needs and how he wants you to do more, correct?

Do not get involved in your mother's care. Make sure your son knows that he doesn't have to be involved in her care, either. He can resign as POA. If he cannot take care of her, he has no right to try to guilt you into doing it.
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Read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It's how many of those Brooklyn mamas keep their kids in line!

All kidding aside, you have no obligation to put up with abuse. If you want, call once a month and if she becomes abusive, say "Okay mom, I'll another time when you're feeling better". Don't engage.

Another thing to look into is "Gray Rock" technique.
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She has often told my son, that I should be taking constant care of her, and yes my son is pressuring me, to take the load off of his back. I can't even have a civil conversation with her, and believe me, I've tried, as diplomatically as possible. It just doesn't work.
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She's probably bored
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Either she needs to move in with you or your son and you all pay for a private in home care provider. Another option, since your son is her POA, he has the authority to place her in a caregiving facility and whatever income she gets they’ll take all of it to pay for her stay because she doesn’t have Medicaid to help pay for it. A feeble 95 year old woman should not be living alone without 24/7 care. Also I would accompany her on her next doctor’s visit, explain to the doctor how difficult she is to deal with and have him or her prescribe her an anti-depressant. She’ll become a much better and easier person to deal with. I had to do the same for my mom.
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kanterd358 Aug 2019
My mom is still able to make decisions for herself, and so far, has not been a danger to herself, or anyone else. She has to decide, about her care, for herself. No court would rule otherwise, at present. I've looked into it. She doesn't want professional help. She only wants me 24/7. I can't deal with her. Believe me I've tried, for a very long time. I cannot reason with her, or even just have a civil conversation with her. It just doesn't work. She is abusive, stubborn to a fault, extremely independent, intelligent, critical, as negative as they come, and just down right nasty. Frankly no one wants to, or can, have anything to do with her. That's why she is all alone, even though she lives in a large apartment building, with neighbors all around her. Nobody wants anything to do with her, and believe me, I know why.
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Are you helping your mom every day, but not speaking with her?

I'm confused.
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kanterd358 Aug 2019
No. I did since 1990, after my divorce, and my second wife and I did, from the time we married in 2007. It was useless. No matter what we did, it was never right for her. There was never any pleasing her. We have had arguments constantly, but my wife and I continued to try and help her anyway. This past March we had a heated argument, and I decided enough was enough, and we haven't spoken since. My son, in Arizona, comes in occasionally, and keeps in contact with her. I can't have a civil conversation with her, and believe me I've tried, and decided in March that it's useless. She is intelligent, and functioning, and not a danger to herself or anyone else so far. Therefore she has to make her own decisions. No one can make them for her. She doesn't want professional help. My son, and I have tried.
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if you have not seen or heard from her since March & she is alone in her apt @ 95 yo ...how do you know she’s not lying on the floor...from a fall, or even alive? How does she get food? How does she shower? A lot of unanswered questions.
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kanterd358 Aug 2019
My son, in Arizona, keeps in constant contact with her, and comes in occasionally. I can't have a civil conversation with her. Believe me I've tried.
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I might consult with a professional on how to move on with your life and have some happiness. Long term and deep wounds are not easy to just ignore. I'd try to get some support and find ways to enjoy life. It sounds like that won't be possible with your mother.
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kanterd358 Aug 2019
We have had professional assistance, and are moving on with our lives. My son, in Arizona, keeps in constant touch with my mom, and comes in occasionally.
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You haven't spoken since March, I would leave well enough alone and let her call you if or when she needs you. This might make her behave better since she has to ask for help instead of just accepting it and expecting it.
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kanterd358 Aug 2019
She is a very stubborn, and proud person. I don't expect any phone calls from her.
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This is probably a silly question. But if you haven't spoken to your mother since March, how do you know she expects you to be there for her 24/7? - and in what way?

Is your son putting pressure on you to become more involved in your mother's care?
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