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My MIL (dementia) verbally attacks me pretty much all the time when we are alone. She is nice to others and they will never know or understand how abusive she is to me. I never really understood verbal abuse till now. Even though I know the truth.............hearing the opposite over and over can break down anyone.
My question is about confidence. I am a widow of 3 years. My husband gave me so very much confidence and I loved being married to him. He had my back! :) After he died, I lost confidence in myself and struggled with an identity crisis as many widows do. Anyway, I was finally able to gain some of myself back. But now, my MIL's verbal abuse is knocking the chair right out from under me. There is no one in the room so I suffer her truly bitter and cut throat comments etc alone. When someone else comes over, they think she is nice. By then, I a timid little mouse in the corner. I have confided in some good friends but in the end............at night and alone, I feel my confidence sinking.

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Hi Maria, it is REALLY time to reassess things. Remind MIL to be kind and leave the room (and task) when she is abusive. With dementia, that may not produce a change of behavior, but still it may make YOU feel better. It is probably time to consider an assisted living memory care facility or a nursing home. With either of those options, you can be a caring DIL who visits and departs if the abuse starts up. I had my Mom in a memory care center and she was easy going and we were really quite close. BUT the 24/7 care required in dementia is too much for any one person to handle IMHO. I visited for several hours every day and spent lots of quality time with my Mom. I took her out on short excursions, etc. I would never have had the energy to do that along with all of her daily care if she were in my home. Consifer a move for her sake and truly for yours!
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Marialake, I am so sorry that you are subjected to this. I remember one boss I had who was quite nutty, and even just seeing her 9 to 5, it threw me off balance.

How about this. When she says something, stop dead. Turn and look at her. Ask, "Did you just say such and such?" repeating her words. If she denies it, say, "I'm glad to hear that, because my husband's mother was too much of a lady to say something like that." If she admits what she said, then say, "If that's how you feel about me, you certainly don't want me to cook dinner for you." And walk away. Go to your office for a while. When you come back, you can pretend it didn't happen, but call her on it every time. She may not stop doing it. You, however, are telling yourself that you are a person who deserves to be treated well.

A gentler version would be to repeat her words, and say, "Is that what you really think about me? Or are you feeling unhappy today?"

It would be a sin on her soul if she hurt you so badly and destroyed your confidence. By responding, and protecting yourself, you are doing her a service, too. God bless you.
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Marialake, My first question is why are you taking care of your mother-in-law? If there were other children, I would think it would be their responsibility. You are still recovering from the shock of your husband's death. I think you should consider placing her in an Assisted Living Center where she will be with people her own age to keep her company. You can then begin to start your new life which is way over due.
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I hear you, Marialake. I don't know the answer, because I put up a lot with the verbal battery, too. Most people would be surprised at what we put up with. The words can certainly nibble away at our self image, like a mouse nibbles a cracker. Pretty soon we can start seeing ourselves through their eyes and become this common thing not worthy of much. The only answer I have found for myself is to reach out to other people so I can see myself through more healthy eyes. I still pay attention to what my mother says, but I temper it with realizing that her mind is not healthy... and she has always been a bit of a doo-doo head. Your MIL's mind is not healthy. She is distressed and taking it out on you.

I read in your profile that you are a Christian. I have to borrow words from Joel Osteen -- that you are a child of the most high God. Maybe reminding yourself of that each time she says bad things will help you to show yourself and her compassion. Personally I think you're remarkable, helping your MIL and FIL after losing your husband. I read that you work from home, so know it is a good situation for all of you as long as you can make it work. God bless you for your compassion, Marialake. Don't let the mouse nibble at your cracker on the inside. You are better than all that.
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She is living with me because I really want to do the right thing and I am able to care for her and work at the same time (our office is in my basement). Also, to keep it brief.................the "five year look back". Her property is adjacent to my business.
It is already better with hospice (as of this week) but emotionally, remains yucky. I do have help from my own wonderful children (married with little children) but I was just asking about the confidence thing because I've noticed how quiet and "wallflower-like" she makes me. I feel like I have to apologize for breathing. Just talking about feelings here.
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Marialake: Do not feel bad about the medications when she becomes mean and agressive. I was ready to put my Mom into a NH because I could no longer that the verbal abuse and lack of sleep. Those medications are ALL that made it possible for her to come home and me to continue caring for her. They are a God send!
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I have no idea if this would work - I'm pretty much thinking on the keyboard - but: tape conversations. Little back to them. Imagine she is talking to another person. The idea is to get an external perspective on this. What is she trying to do? Logically (I know, she's demented, bear with me) she can't be intending to alienate the person who stands between her and long-term institutional care; so she is getting at something else. Either that, or you can just examine the plain craziness of what she's saying and see it for what it is.

You could play the recordings back to her.

You could let others listen to them, and get their opinions and advice.

What I'm thinking is that if you were able to review what passes between the two of you when you're alone, you could analyse it more critically. Listen item by item and rebut each one. I should have thought it would be a racing certainty that, at the very least, you will see that you are absolutely not at fault, which might be a reassuring thing to bear in mind. But you might also see, perhaps, what's setting her off and get some new ideas about how to divert her.

it seems very wrong that you are in the situation where you are still grieving over the loss of your husband, and yet are still having to cope with your MIL. Double whammy. I applaud your sense of duty (if that weren't there you'd just tear everything up and start again, rather than go through this horror), and your ability to continue to care; but… are you sure it's worth it? Can you reasonably expect yourself to stay the course?

I suppose my evil twin is also thinking "two can play at that game." Except that you would have truth on your side. But, on the other hand, except that a decent person like you wouldn't dream of it..!

Don't you dare apologise for anything. No. Start claiming credit, and demanding recognition. You are the stronger person - because you're still there, and still caring.

Do I remember correctly that your FIL died not long ago? Has MIL's abuse worsened since then?
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Thanks so much everybody! I really appreciate your comments. I will update my profile............my FIL died late October and so I only have MIL here at this time. My own mother is healthy and prefers to live alone and she is very supportive. I got hospice about ten days ago and it is wonderful. (My big fear is that I will lose it after 60 days) but for now it is absolutely wonderful. I am trying some healthy "self talk" and leaving the room any time MIL is verbally abusive. Also, I have decided to give her sedating drugs when she gets aggressive. At first that made me feel guilty but after all, what quality of life is she having when she is screaming etc? I am in a better place emotionally now. Thanks to all :) !!!
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Hi, Maria! My mother is also nice to everyone but me. Her verbal abuse had me feeling like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I finally forced her to see her doctor about increasing the amount of Prozac she takes. The fight we had over that was the worst, but it was worth it because the doctor doubled her dosage. It hasn't cured the problem entirely, but it sure has made things better. Mom doesn't get upset as easily, she isn't nearly as mean to me, and she doesn't yell at my dog as much, either! So, if your MIL isn't on an anti-depressant, please talk to her doctor about getting her on one. If she's already on one, talk to the doc about increasing the dosage. I pray that God will bless you and see you through this trial.
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PamelaR -
You're singing my song. Antidepressants and pain medication can make a real difference. The bad thing about antidepressants is that it can take a long time to find one that works. One good thing is that there are so many different ones to try. The other is that eventually you will find one that helps.
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