Would I be a horrible person if I refused to take Mom back from a respite stay at siblings place? - AgingCare.com

Would I be a horrible person if I refused to take Mom back from a respite stay at siblings place?

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I helped my mother in her home for ten years. She has lived with me for 14 months. Main problem is mobility. I have four sibs but only one has really helped this past year. Now that sib is having marital problems and cannot help going forward. I have had to fight for financial, aides and respite. I tried to use an ALF for respite but she acted up so much at the interview-they declined to take her. She is alert and oriented but has always acted up to get her way. Now I am tired and supportive husband is over it. There is now a weak offer from another sib to take her for a week. I really am not a irresponsible person but everything is a fight. The sibs rarely call and didn't really bother with the holidays, so what do I really have to lose? Never thought I would be this way but feel kind of sick about the whole situation.

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Pam I always love your crisp and to the point replies
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Sometimes it depends on who the patient is with. My MIL would play every guilt card in the deck with her children, criticize, argue and open old wounds. They fell for it every time. She knew exactly which buttons to push.
One time she got so mad at them she told them all to stay away, she only needed me, to sort her pills. Ooooh no, I thought, no, this is not good. The funny thing is, she could never find my "buttons". When she told me she wanted Jesus to come and get her, I admonished her for trying to order Jesus around. She actually flinched. They will respect you if respond logically. When she refused to take meds, I said calmly "OK. Where's the Will?" and then she took them. Easier said than done, I know, but over the years I've had so many button pushers in my life that my emotional reactions are null and void.
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Dumping may not be good, but don't try to do something you can't do either. Don't know enough about your siblings and how they will react if you try to have a meeting with them where you communicate that when you think about having Mom back after the respite, you just can't face it long term and something has to give. Either more caregiving help in your home, rotation to different people maybe quarterly, or a placement, but not just back to you year round until she passes on or you and/or your marriage are history.
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You would be a horrible person if you just dumped mom on sis. that is not fair. if you are going to do that dump her somewhere else. Let all sibs know that you have done your share and someone else needs to come and take a turn.
Mom will clearly pull all the tricks in the book to avoid being placed so be very firm and let her know if her behaviour is out of control it will be a psychiatric placement and no one will take her back because she is beyond your control. Sounds cold and hard. yes it is but what is more important to you going forward. She has not considered you in the past so it is time for a reality check. just being old does not give anyone the right to ruin other peoples lives.
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No, you would not be a horrible person. You would be human. I went through this recently (kind of still am). Hubby and I hit a wall in caring for Mom who has lived with us in our small 3 bedroom house for 28 months. On a Sunday night, I called a friend in tears and texted two of my siblings. Within 36 hours, Mom was gone "on a trip" to the friend's place. The friend and an aunt who happened to be in town agreed to take care of Mom for the week and then complained about how stressful it was.

Meanwhile, knowing we had completely burned out, they came up with other arrangements for her living. We are still working on finding her a permanent place. But one thing I learned/ am learning is you have to tell everyone when it becomes too much.

Having gone through this, if our plans fell through and Mom absolutely had to live with family, I would NOT do what I did before. I would insist we all take turns and that everyone else help carry the load.

I've had so many relative tell me we went above and beyond by taking Mom in. But no one volunteered to help out until I nearly had a nervous breakdown.
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Yeah .. I wasn't suggesting tricking anyone .. just let them experience it for a while. You might also consider, beforehand, to a longer visit, like two or three weeks. Let sib know that you've been thinking about it, and realized that you'll need the first three days, just to ~sleep~!
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Moxie, your thoughts are the same as mine. I wouldn't trick the sister, but would take the respite opportunity to find a better place for mom.
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Placement is clearly the answer. I don't think you should "trick" your sibling into anything, just let the sibling know that this is jeopardizing your marriage and the answer is placement unless the sibling wants to take mom permanently. It wouldn't hurt to let mom know that as well and to tell her that she needs to be move to a different situation where she gets the care she needs in order to take the strain off of your marriage. The fact is, that when someone needs additional care because they are mobility impaired, they should not expect family to totally change their lives in order to address that need. It's really quite unfair to you and your husband. Let mom have a choice of where she wants to live. Many facilities are quite luxurious or maybe you can find a place where some of her friends live. Just be clear with her that she has to move and there's no other option.
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If you are feeling you would not want to take her back it is past time to find a facility for mom. The responsibility for care should never fall on one, it has in my case. At this time I am shopping for facilities in case I find myself unable to do this any longer.
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I agree with LadeeC, let the sib see the whole picture for a week, then call a pow-wow to get mom in proper placement. Mom either needs medication or someone with a firm hand that cannot be swayed by tantrums. If she behaves like an angel for sibling, then sibling can keep her. Your honeymoon phase is over and you don't need daily battles.
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