Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
having someone just sit with her can make her very self conscious. what has worked for me in the past was to have a companion come in to do ostensibly light housekeeping and a little cooking. she was there helping with household things - not "babysitting" - but at the same time she was getting to know my parents in between "chores". it worked great and she eventually did less and less chores and more and more companioning - she even got close enough to assist with showers.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I don't know how much your MIL would be able to understand, but maybe if you sat down with her and your husband and asked her about the kind of person she would want to have come sit with her. Maybe a family friend or someone from church or any social groups she had before she got sick. Maybe making her part of the decision process would help.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Do NOT put your MIL's needs (demands) before your children's. It will only get worse as time goes on. If she can go to any of the sporting events, then have her go to some for your kids and some for your BIL's kids. If she can't go, then give her the option of having your BIL (or someone from his family) visit with her or have an aide visit with her. And have your MIL part of the process of picking out that aide.

My mother was adamant that no one would 'babysit' her if my sister or I couldn't be there. We, too, blamed it on the doctor, saying he required it for OUR health not her's. Then told her that the person would be her choice not our's, because that person would be for her companionship not our's. We met her for tea, and they got along famously. Mom feels comfortable sharing things with her that she doesn't want to share with my sister or I.

If your MIL opts to have BIL (or his family) visit with her while you are are sporting events, TELL him that is her choice. It must be upsetting to her that they are next door and she never sees them.

My new favorite expression in situations like this is "not my circus, not my monkey". Do what is best for you and your family. Your family being husband and kids.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

wantingtime, whatever works and doesn't hurt anyone.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

well I am a weenie...I blamed the doctor! LOL. I told my mother that the doctor ordered it and we have to do it. She still fusses but she no longer refuses to allow them in (or hide when they knock on the door) at least for now, it's settled.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

My parents (80s) were uncomfortable with someone they didn't know coming into their home. My Dad especially, since he cared for his own mother from a distance and had issues with poor help and stealing, etc. Also, hard on pride to accept help, and that needs to be handled respectfully. Mom has ALZ (now in a nice local care facility) so previously family needed someone(s) to come in and help with Mom and cleaning. [Best to get a person for each of these, if you can. Hard to care for ALZ Mom and clean.] Living in a rural/small town area, for the cleaning person, a friend of family (niece/nephew's friend) came in with my sister, so Dad got to know her and trust her before long. Based on insurance stuff, Mom-care were several different ladies from agency. Dad stayed and observed, not taking a break for himself to leave. That is what he was comfortable with. There was "slack" behavior with some (talking on cell, reading magazines, not doing Mom's exercises) so Dad discussed with sisters who interacted with the agency. [So just be prepared that you just don't get someone and done...] As the needs became greater, and family used up all their days off and then some, we did contract a part-time nurse manager, who oversaw Mom's care (schedule book with task check off list, what she ate etc.) which was a big help. Usually the process to bring in needed assistance starts after there is much stress (including family bickering to the max). If you focus on the care that is needed for your Mom, whether or not BIL helps or not - let that part go as it is only taking up emotional space, you will find someone(s) that work. Someone her age that likes the same things (cards, movies, games, etc.) as her might be good. Check with her daycare to see if someone there is available, as freelance. A face she would know, and as long as they are just sitting with her and not doing medical stuff etc. it could work for now.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Islanders5, also have the same problem. without repeating all the advice given above, I would reinforce that 1) you can't reason with your MIL. It is the dementia's fault, not hers. 2) There is a rail, so to speak, that she gets on and it is best to divert the attention to something else. It seems to help to talk about anything else that is positive. 3) It might be time for a NH
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You didn't ask her first, and get her on board. You didn't give her a choice in who you selected. Inadvertently you insulted her intelligence, babified her, and took away her control of her life. You went down swinging on three strikes. The elderly cherish their independence and control. At a time when their bodies are betraying them every day, and they are forced to relinquish some of their independence and depend on others, you treated her like a child. This reinforced all her fears. Taking care of the elderly is completely different from caring for a child.

She is the parent, not a child. Go to her, apologize. Don't be defensive, you simply didn't understand. Listen, explain your concerns, and allow her control over her life. The hardest thing is to let her suffer the consequences of her decisions without blaming yourself. In the 2 and 1/2 years i have given my Dad 24/7 care, I have learned to respect his judgement, and listen to him. Good luck
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

She doesn't want to admit she really needs the service or she doesn't recognize the fact she needs the service, either way she doesn't want to lose her independence. That is what she has left and it's difficult to give up. Some people do not like having strangers in the home as that is their private space. What things does your mil like to do, what are her interests? Find a caregiver that would be able to engage your mil in those activities she enjoys. If it's a short walk, a game of cards, music or a tv show, bird watching etc. It's important that she have 'company' not a sitter, Having someone she can converse with is important. What activities at the day care does she enjoy? Have the provider to engage her in some similar activities, maybe they could go to a movie, out for ice cream, manicure, etc. Call your local or state Alzheimer's Association for activity ideas, they have a wealth of information even if your mil does not have Alzheimer's. You can also speak with the day care staff to determine what activities she really enjoys so you can offer her similar activities at home. Maybe the person you hire can 'assist' her with some light chores, sewing, scrap booking or other crafts. It's unfortunate the bil does not want to help, I see that a lot. I look at it this way: It's his loss, I know the transition you have made has not been an easy one. You deserve a commendation for your commitment to care for your mil, not everyone will do that. What you are doing, caring for your mil is one of the last things you can do for her. This is a special time, even when it doesn't feel like it, keep her talking for as long as possible, record or write down her stories; which I'm sure she has many down through the years. Last, but not least, take care of yourself. As caregivers, we often take care of every one's needs but our own. Make sure you take time our for yourself, read a chapter in a book, look at a magazine, sit on the porch, have a date night with your husband, have lunch with a friend etc. I moved in with my dad a couple years ago-so I understand what it is like to be a caregiver and not just as a professional. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

continuation of previous post - by not helping at all, but second guessing everything I would do, and trying to control all of us from 900 miles away. After a year of emotional chaos, I told my mother she would have to terminate all relationship with him or move out of our house. Because of her relationship with him, we had all allowed ourselves to become victims of his abusive demands. We are now completely estranged from him, and our household has become peaceful. It was hard for her in the beginning, but she realized that he was willing to sacrifice her peace of mind in order to exercise his abusive personality traits. Although the circumstances are very different, the point is that I was no longer willing to dump my family overboard because of the needs of my Mother and the bad attitude of my brother. It was the right choice. My only regret is that I waited over a year to establish this boundary.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

If your bil has directly said he cannot help, let it go. For two weeks, go everywhere you need to go and take your mil. See if there are any advantages to that and how she reacts. If that doesn't work, tell her you are going to have the maximum outside help you can get, and you will not put up with her anger. If she is able to treat the nurse nicely when she is there, she may have more control than you think, and her anger towards you is consciously manipulative. If none of this helps, you need to start putting your family first, by placing her in a home. Allowing her to create a toxic environment in your household is not a healthy choice for you to make. It will damage everyone. My mother has lived with us for two years and my brother, always her favorite, was causing continuous problems by controlling
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Instead of telling you MIL what needs to happen ask her questions about what she is experiencing. Get her to talk about her limitation and how it is impacting how she how she sees herself living. Get her to talk about her feelings and frustration with aging. Getting her to reflect on her experience and expressing frustration and leading her to make the decision that she needs that additional support instead of telling her like a child can help. A good therapist for her can help too.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

something else I want to add...and older woman I know (she's in her 80's now) said to me recently, "I missed so much of my grandchildren's younger years because I was so consumed in taking care of my mother...don't let that happen to you". It was SUCH good advice. Double for not missing your children's childhoods!
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I really don't understand the "keeping her out of a home" bit. My grandmother made our lives miserable when I was a teenager and I swore that I wouldn't let my parents or in laws do that to me, or my family. My mother gets far better care in her NH than she would get from me at home, as I work long hours and have NO patience for her anxieties over storms, politics and all the what-ifs of life. Sorry if this sounds selfish, but I'm just no good at putting up with angry people at home, especially when I'm helping them. I can tell you from experience that having a declining demanding grandma at home did nothing to build our characters, but it did open our eyes.
Helpful Answer (22)
Report

Oooh, good advice. Yes, we asked the bil for help. When we moved in, he said he'd help us. He recently told us dates he could have her (almost all of July), we asked for a few dates before and after that. Nothing too close to the dates, as we know how it is to pack etc... Now he says he is just too busy with his family to help us. His kids are around the same ages as my 2 youngest. He is flat out refusing to help us at all. Pretty sad that his kids have no connection to their grandmother, and she won't be around forever. Sad thing is, that his family can attend sports and school stuff, but my kids don't have us. Pretty selfish people. Can't change that. I am learning to just walk away when Mil gets upset. Today she decided she was going to clean the yard...in her slippers. I had to wake my husband to help settle her. I understand the anger, I really do, just a difficult time. Harder every day. It is even harder when she treats my kids rudely and is unkind. I am glad that I have strong kids and are a HUGE help to us.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Have you asked your BIL to help? Specifically asked him, "Can you come over and stay with mom on Tuesday from 3p-5p?" When I was caring for my dad my brother assumed that I would ask for help if I needed it. I just assumed he should know I needed help. We didn't communicate. If you've tried this and your BIL still won't help then stop asking him, it's a lost cause.

Since your MIL has dementia you can't really expect her to understand that she needs assistance when you're gone. She's going to be mad. You can't explain to her that life is full of compromises and that if she wants to stay out of a NH then she's going to have to compromise and accept help at home on occasion. We can't reason with someone who is unreasonable.

Your only option may be to just ignore MIL's nasty mood. It's her way of getting you back. Don't try to coax her out of her mood. Don't try to be sweet to her. Don't do anything at all. Let her sit there stewing until she gets tired of it. Just work around her.

Maybe the more you use respite the more resigned to it MIL will be when she realizes that her little attempts at emotional blackmail don't work.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

My mother utterly refused to have anyone in the house so everything fell on me 24/7. Now in a nursing home (Parkinsons, strokes and dementia), it's all my fault she's there "You dumped me in this hole, this prison" when she could have had people come in to help care for her in her home. A lifetime narcissist she's always blamed others for anything that didn't go her way, just made poor decisions and expected me or my late father to run and pick up the pieces. Now unable to sit up or stand she refuses to leave her room and every time I visit I get a verbal bashing. I pay her bills and ensure she has all she needs out of duty only. It takes me 24 hours to get over a visit and I'm done..
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter