What to do when loved one refuses the idea of someone coming into the home to help?

You might try hiring a "housekeeper" part time with the idea that she watch granny and do some dishes or something to make it convincing. Then granny just thinks of her as a house keeper and its no reflection on her sanity or her abilities to look after herself. My yard man fills this spot sometimes. They get along great and she thinks he lives on the property to keep the grounds. It is, but I have an ulterior motive. He takes the pressure off of me sometimes.

There is no way to get someone to help if they do not want to. Maybe your brother-in-law just cannot be around people who are ill. That is his issue. Keep having the nurse or whomever come when you need to be away, and she is going to have to adjust. Do not become alarmed at her nasty behaviors, it comes with the diagnosis. Just be pleasant and tell her you are doing everything you can to help her, but your kids need a life too (as well as you). As time passes the resistance to others will diminish as her dementia gets worse. Wait it out. Time is on your side. Bless you for stepping up to the plate!

FM getting a live in is not always an option for alot of people here you must have had to pay for it so good for you easy peasy when we could all have a live-in carer! And great mum gets to stay in her own home because you could afford to get her help if we all had a "live in" i dont think there would be any reason for this site. So good for you that it all worked out swell!

My yard man lives in a bedroom here and keeps up the yard for his rent. He mows the grass & looks in on my mother from time to time if I'm gone. We're not paying out money. He works odd jobs for individuals and has a flexible schedule so he can help with her lunch or dinner (which I have in the fridge or microwave ready to heat and eat). Don't get me wrong, I would love to have someone here full time. He just gives me respite and it helps. It would be wonderful if I could get someone regularly to granny sit, but I don't have that kind of money and she doesn't either. Her idea of paying for care is that she doesn't need it. My grand-daughter-in law gets paid a hefty $15 per hour, but my mother is O.K. with that because she's "helping the kids out". Psychology is often necessary to get these elders to agree to being cared for.

better yet have the caregiver come over and talk to her when you are there. My mom is that way too, but Iam gettting there with her about it .

I was told by a dementia expert that you can bring the caregiver over ahead of time and introduce the person as a friend and have the caregiver spend time with your LO. When the CG leaves, say that he or she hopes to come back and spend more time with your LO. I never had to do this but the expert said it often works.

I was my grandmothers caretaker for many years. When she needed 24/7 care, i did that for 5 years,.while raising the two children. One of my children was a teen, he was a great support. We also homeschool. My grandmother had a daughter who lived close by. She was no help whatsoever. She said from the start that she wouldnt help and would put gram in a home. So we did it as.long as.we could. At first, Gram could stay at home by herself at night. My children and i would be able to go home, sleep and return. As grams memory progresssed and she was getting more frail, we could no longer leave her alone at night.

We had caretakers come in to give us nights off and what i was hoping for a couple days off a week. My son was grown, in college, on his own and the burden was too hard for me to bear.

We went through many caretakers. Gram yelled, screamed, hit and even drew blood from them.

She did not want strangers in her home. Yet, because of lack of memory and lack of reasoning,.she couldnt consider me or my families needs. That was unlike her. But thats what happens. (Continued)

Continued. Long story short. I ended up with bells pasley from stress. I also ended up with tremors. I was under so much stress but never had a moment to stop and think on it. I was too busy doing what needed to be done. After gram died doctors said i had care givers syndrom. PTSD from watching a loved one suffer and trying to do my best. Looking back i say this: join a caregivers support.group for yourself. Keep the nurses/caregiver help that you need. Pick one that is a good support for you and your loved one.
Your loved one isnt going to be happy no matter what. Better for.them to be at home as.long as possible. Take care of yourself and your health along the way.

Continued: also, find the right meds.to keep your loved one less anxious. This was a big help. For gram we.used seroquel and xanax. It took a long time to to find the right doses. She was also on celexa. We tried two of the new "alzhiemer/dementia" drugs and they both gave gram hullucinations. They caused us a lot of trouble. They did the same on my father in law.

I have a good friend who's in-laws live in India.. Her father-in-law is in his 90's and doesn't want anyone to help him.... he still lives at home with his wife and various housekeepers/cooks that help the wife.

One memory care facility in India suggested that the father-in-law needs a caregiver and for that caregiver to wear an uniform, similar to that of a doctor, that the father-in-law might be more receptive to someone helping him. It would be interesting to see if that works as the family plans to try that soon.

Some elders will listen to their doctors before listing to us even if we give the same recommendations.... [sigh].

I wouldn't see anyway to make your bil help and seems he's already said no enough times. Without understanding much about mom's condition, this is sure a time to consider a nice social model or medical model assisted living community. Your visits with her there will be so nice and you will have your life back. Take care of yourself! Terie Novak - author ebook "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents".

Please do not put elders demands constantly in priority over your childrens' activities. Also, try to let the coaches/other sport-parents know that you cannot be as totally involved as it seems to be expected these days. I hope you can find the right balance that works for you. If the elder does not want to see the "grandkids in action" -- well, it's their loss. Mine chose to be that way. So far I've been able to bring some video of kids' activities, but I will NOT accede to an elder's pity-party when they choose not to go out and whine about it. You may think you are being the dutiful child, but you will wind up feeling like a "sucker" when your kids are grown and you've missed childhood activities. If you have a sib who can contribute either in-person or financially for respite care, then ask for this help. Take care of yourself too. Do not wear yourself out trying to totally please both generations. Good luck.

Tell her it's either this way or she can go into an assisted living or nursing home. Once she's done bouncing off the walls that should shut her up, for a while anyway.

Ashlynne, I need to remember that when and if the time comes where my parents both need help.... they have two choices, one is hiring help to come into the home, or moving to a retirement community.... and I need to stick to my guns with those two choices.

My parents would probably think since I am working at my career that I should be able to quit and help them.... they don't realize that being a Caregiver is a whole lot different than sitting in front of a computer all day at work.

FF you must stand your ground when the time comes! It's imperative! In moving to care for my narc mother I lost everything and I'm just starting to rebuild a semblance of some sort of life. I was at the NH today and she's in such poor shape. She really can't speak but managed to get out "I'm going soon". I merely said "Oh aren't we a little ray of sunshine today" but she's right. I don't think she can go on much longer.

At 88 and a life long mean and nasty narc who trampled anyone who crossed her path, she's had it all - fancy houses, new big cars, exotic vacations and then some,

She was very clever at inflicting pain on others with glee all her life and turning it around so she came up smelling like roses. My poor father (RIP) and I took the brunt of it. He suffered her abuse for over 50 years and busted his chops to give her everything, but it was never enough. His heart gave out 15 years ago and I'm convinced she sent him to an early grave.

Yes, she will probably pass away in the next few months and, frankly, no-one will care, not even me as I suffered at her hands life long since I was a small child. She has no friends, wants cremation and her ashes scattered. I will do as she wishes, clear out her room at the NH and get on with my life.

Yes, it will be traumatic and I may just take care of my animals, home chores, drink some wine and sleep a lot until I can come to terms with things. A lifetime of a narc parent never goes away and we will have PTSD for life, but perhaps, in time, we can heal to some degree. In the meantime, wine and sleep, surrounded by my precious dogs and cats, will work for me.

When my mom and I (before my mom passed away in January) started having homecare people to the house, it was because my grandma had a fall and broke her ribs. Medicaid stepped in offering us assistance for bathing and house work so she wasn't alone. While I was excited for the help and it gave me peace of mind while mom and I was away at work, my grandma resisted it. She would fuss and refuse assistance from the ladies. Finally the company sent us someone whose name was Diane. She was patient with grandma and did wonders. She came and sat with her at first, just talking away like an old friend. They would coupon clip together, watch soap operas together, and eat lunch in picnic format at the table sometimes both having the same food as I allowed Diane to do whatever she needed to do to get grandma to have help. She told my grandma at first she was there to help me with cleaning since I was working too hard and couldn't keep up with the mopping and vacuuming. It was amazing to come home to a clean house and a happy grandma. In fact I was sad to have to change caregivers when my grandma ended up needing more than a homemaker and companion after she fell and broke her neck 3 years ago.

What we did was basically had patience and got a good person who turned out to be a good friend instead of just a caregiver. They are rare and in fact I don't think we have only a handful that turns out that way, but when you get them, hold on tightly and treat them well as they are usually the ones who get burnt out. Only wish we could find another "Diane" here in Maine as right now my house is a mess, she's very cranky at times and I am feeling a bit burnt out at times due to lack of sleep and balancing too much in my life.

My suggestion is be patient. Tell her you need the help not her. Tell her they are there for another reason than watching her. Encourage them to do puzzles with her or something else she enjoys doing. Make them a true companion so that it works out.

Tough question, easy answer-
Just tell them its an extra pair of hands to help clean.
No uniform, regular clothes will make them more comfortable, and not seem so much like a "nurse"
You are getting them "house help", because YOU need help not them.
I don't know too many people that don't want help cleaning.
Caregivers do clean but as I say, they don't scrub.