Ok, my mil, with Dementia LOVES daycare. This surprised us! But, having a nurse come into the home is another story. This is my only respite care, as it is just our family, with 3 kids (19, 15 and 11). My bil is REFUSING to help us, although he lives next door, and we have moved in to help mil. Their move next door is recent. We have lived here a year and uprooted everything. We moved because there was no other choice, bil said he wouldn't take care of her, he'd rather have her in a home. Now, the daycare is going great, she goes 3 times a week. BUT...it is only during the days. My issues is afternoon and evening, as that is when my kids have sports and activities. We've missed a year of sports and school. Now, we had the home nurse come in and my mil was "ok" with it. But, then the nurse actually came to sit with her. My mil was SO mad. My husband explained to her the why's etc...she was pleasant enough to the nurse, but when she left, my mil was livid the rest of the night. Says that she can be home by herself and she doesn't need us. Although we even explained that it was for our peace of mind, so she doesn't fall and we said the other option is to run all over with me with the kids. I thought we did good, but how do I cope with the anger and the mean personality after? Tonight we have somebody for 3 hours and instead of looking forward to time away and not to worry, I am dreading it. We can have up to 20 hours of home care, but am only taking 12, and this is hard enough. Aaargh. Also, how do we get bil to see how important it is for us, to have this extra help, and to step up? Wish we could split "custody" with him, lol!
Since your MIL has dementia you can't really expect her to understand that she needs assistance when you're gone. She's going to be mad. You can't explain to her that life is full of compromises and that if she wants to stay out of a NH then she's going to have to compromise and accept help at home on occasion. We can't reason with someone who is unreasonable.
Your only option may be to just ignore MIL's nasty mood. It's her way of getting you back. Don't try to coax her out of her mood. Don't try to be sweet to her. Don't do anything at all. Let her sit there stewing until she gets tired of it. Just work around her.
Maybe the more you use respite the more resigned to it MIL will be when she realizes that her little attempts at emotional blackmail don't work.
My mother was adamant that no one would 'babysit' her if my sister or I couldn't be there. We, too, blamed it on the doctor, saying he required it for OUR health not her's. Then told her that the person would be her choice not our's, because that person would be for her companionship not our's. We met her for tea, and they got along famously. Mom feels comfortable sharing things with her that she doesn't want to share with my sister or I.
If your MIL opts to have BIL (or his family) visit with her while you are are sporting events, TELL him that is her choice. It must be upsetting to her that they are next door and she never sees them.
My new favorite expression in situations like this is "not my circus, not my monkey". Do what is best for you and your family. Your family being husband and kids.
She is the parent, not a child. Go to her, apologize. Don't be defensive, you simply didn't understand. Listen, explain your concerns, and allow her control over her life. The hardest thing is to let her suffer the consequences of her decisions without blaming yourself. In the 2 and 1/2 years i have given my Dad 24/7 care, I have learned to respect his judgement, and listen to him. Good luck
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