How can I reduce or eliminate accusations of abuse that isn't happening? - AgingCare.com

How can I reduce or eliminate accusations of abuse that isn't happening?

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Mom is in mid stage dementia and swears she is being beaten? Help? My Brother takes care of her and my father who had a stroke 12 years ago. Dad is completely competent but mom is delusional and says everyone yells at her all the time. Now she says my brother pushes and hits her. He would never do this, dad says not happening as well. Any suggestions on how to change the delusion to the more accurate helpful person he really is? He is getting increasingly frustrated at the accusations.

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My brother lives with them and has been for the last 10 years, so he is weary at this point as well. I live in another state and manage the financial side and provide moral support the best I can. I am headed to them in 2 weeks and have contacted an attorney to assist with POA's etc for my father, who had them drawn up for my mother to be his advocate (but she is no longer capable of making those type decisions). Their doctor is pushing for nursing home care but she is refusing and we collectively don't feel she is to that point of need--yet. I have told my brother to try to separate the condition from the person but that is extremely difficult when he is told daily to leave, and I am asked daily to come get him. Dad protests and says he is needed. Its a constant battle, and I am glad to hear this is likely a phase in the development and progression of the dementia (and may well pass HOPEFULLY soon!) My brother has had bad experience with support groups and refuses to contact any. His escape is the fishing hole as he does not work. I truly appreciate all he does, so any help I can offer from afar is appreciated! Thank you for your comments!
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I think it's super nice that you care so much about your brother, and that you are looking for ways to help! Great advice from the posters above, and hug therapy sounds good too, if it works, but be cautious that she doesn't call the police, and if she does, be prepared to be called to back your brother up in a CPS case against him. I believe that they afe especially understanding when it comes to Dementia cases, as they have seen it all. A Dr's evaluation and medication to treat her delusions are probably your best resource at the moment.
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I agree with Freqflyer. Her doctor could be very useful in finding something that will work. If nothing else the doctor will be aware of the false accusations, so could be good witness for your brother that he isn't abusing her. The paranoid and accusing stages can be especially hard emotionally. The sad thing is that after your mother says these things, she may start believing what she says. They become truth. The good thing is that the imagined "truths" will probably soon be gone. Unfortunately, new problems arise to take their place. It is probably a good time to figure out what to do in the future if your brother is unable to handle things. Sending good thoughts your family's way.
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I have a feeling that she is projecting her fear as perceptions albeit inaccurate. I also think that her hearing loss and having the TV up way too loud makes it appear everyone is angry because they are trying to be heard. She hears Dad and my brother getting loud and it frightens her and she thinks she is GOING to be hurt, but later thinks she is being hurt. I am considering "hug" therapy whereby when it becomes apparent she is becoming frustrated or they get frustrated with her they ask for one of her super hugs to help all of them feel better. She LOVES hugs so this may be an approach to reduce her anxiety.
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I think the only way of changing the delusions is for Mom to be placed on medicines that can calm her. Check with her primary doctor. Or wait for the phase to eventually leave.

I feel sorry for your brother, having his own Mom says things like that about him, of which none of that is true.... one has to remember, Mom's brain is broken.... but it is still hurtful. I remember when my Mom said that my Dad had been hitting her, none of which was true, and I never told my Dad what Mom had said. I didn't want to hurt his feelings as he was heart broken enough that Mom was so ill.

Scroll down to the bottom of the page to the blue section. On the far left you will see ALZHEIMER'S CARE... click on that, and scroll down through all the various articles to the ones that relate to your Mom. Lot of helpful advice.
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