Recreational outings for Dad what's fair? - AgingCare.com

Recreational outings for Dad what's fair?

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I'm so worn down and stressed out from looking after Dad for the past three years that I really need some relief, as does my husband. I'd like to have Dad hire a caregiver to take him on some outings so that we wouldn't have to be his only source of transportation for recreational outings, lunch out, and so on. However, I know from past experience that Dad will refuse to do that and will sit home indefinitely rather than spend the money. Should I make the suggestion anyway and back it up by scaling back on our trips out with him? I don't want to be unkind; I just want a break from some of the responsibilities.

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We had to learn to say "no" to my mom. "Call the staff, Mom". Nope, can't get there till next week, mom.

Arrange doctor appointments at YOUR convenience. Examine why he has to/wants to go to the doctor so much.
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Even though I said I didn't want to do anything at all for Dad, I couldn't completely give up taking care of him. I just want him to start using other sources of help in some instances instead of automatically turning to us. For example, I don't want to be his only source of transportation for recreational shopping. I also would prefer not to take him to all of his medical appointments, but I haven't found any transport service that would wait with him during the appointments. I don't think that someone his age should be expected to attend medical appointments alone.
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Start now weaning yourself off from your father's needs. Concern yourself with only his medical transportation until other arrangements can be made. If you do not wish to be his social outlet, tell him he needs to find his own form of entertainment. Hopefully you will still visit him from time to time.
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I had to pay a caregiver to come over with me...spend time...as if she were an old friend of mine...Then Dad was willing accept her. It took a couple weeks, and about 5 visits.
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AngieJoy, tell your father that you and your husband are planning a lengthy sabbatical in a distant place; and ask him what provision, then, would he your father like you his daughter and Son In Law to make for him during your protracted absence.

The "plan" can be hypothetical or real. That bit I leave to the two of you :)
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Here's an update. I've reached the point where I'd prefer not to do anything at all for Dad. My husband and I have been assisting him for three and a half years (he currently lives in independent living with a great deal of help from us), and we need a lengthy, if not permanent, break from caregiving. I really don't know what to do. Dad can afford to pay for a caregiver (we would hire the person through an agency, with his input), but thus far he has refused. He is in relatively good health for a 95-year-old person (he does have several chronic conditions), and his need for assistance could continue for several more years. I don't know that I'm able to provide one more year of caregiving, let alone several years. Any suggestions on how to move Dad toward using paid caregiving?
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AngieJoy - I was thinking that if he had friends in the facility, they could go on outings together. But I'm guessing that, like him, the other residents no longer drive.

I think that as long as he's not starved for company or activities, you needn't feel so bad about not taking him out on outings. You are already doing a lot for him. He needs to adjust to the change in his circumstances. You can't make it all better for him, and you shouldn't have to.
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Carla, There are two trips to grocery stores every week, and I've seen people in wheelchairs being assisted out of the van. Dad isn't interested in those outings because he doesn't need to go to the grocery store. He did take a trip last year to see holiday lights. He also went on a trip to get ice cream, but on that occasion, they parked in a parking lot that had a gravel surface. Dad was afraid of falling (understandably), and that has made him reluctant to go on any more van trips.

I don't think that the problem is so much that Dad doesn't have activities and associates in the senior residence. He plays Scrabble frequently with a friend, and he spends a lot of time reading and watching movies (my husband keeps him supplied with DVDs and large-print books). It's just that he has been used to getting out of the house and being active, and now he can't do that without substantial assistance.

On the other hand, there may be other activities at the residence that he would enjoy. I'll take a look at the newsletter tonight (it's available online) and see what's on the calendar.
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AngieJoy - Does the facility provide any outings for the residents that could help your father get out and socialize with other potential friends? Or is the problem that those outings are geared towards people who are more mobile and can get themselves into the van or bus without help? If those outings are offered and if they're accessible for someone using a walker, I'd encourage your father to join up and go out with the group.
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What we did for mom was to celebrate birthdays and holidays at her facility, in a small reserved dining room. Would that be possible?
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