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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I've got news for you, Delta. People on your original post were truthful. Some of us here were pretty disgusted at how judgmental you were about your mother placing your father with Alzheimer's in LTC. So you got told by a few of us here and rightly so because you had it coming.
No one here said you don't love or care about your father. I'm sure you do, but keep one thing in mind. You weren't willing to take responsibility of your father and his care needs. Why didn't you move him into your house then quit your job to become his 24.7.365 caregiver? Or arrange and even help pay for homecare at your place, as much as he needs? Why didn't you do this?
You didn't take on the responsibility for your father with Alzheimer's because it wasn't possible for you to. Your mother chose to put her man in LTC for his own good and safety. Many times adult children that don't come from homes broken by divorce, forget that their parents had lives and a relationship before they came along. Your mother had to make one of the hardest decisions in life. To put her spouse in a care facility. No one has a right to resent her for that. Not even her kids.
Also, you don't know the world of the homecare business. I do. I've known it for a long time. It can be famously unreliable. Caregivers get sick. They quit a position. Sometimes they just don't show up. It is VERY expensive and unless a person has a great deal of cash, a good LTC insurance policy that covers homecare, or they are on Medicaid, homecare is not an option for them. I'm sure your mother knew this too.
Don't be so judgmental of your mother because you weren't in her position.
Apparently you care about your "Alzheimer's suffering father" but not your burned out and overwhelmed mother, who had no choice but to place him. What's wrong with that picture?
You can care about and even LOVE someone and also place them in residential care. The two are NOT mutually exclusive.
Do you also care about your mom and her suffering? Do you recognize that not everyone can safely be cared for at home long term?
Placing someone in residential care is not a measure of how much you love them.
The responses you received are not judgmental. They just weren't what you wanted or expected to hear. You are in a forum full of caregivers - who have been through the gauntlet of caregiving. You are going to get direct, straightforward, honest answers - not someone telling you that your mom is wrong for placing your father.
The questions you were asked were also honest. It is completely unfair for you to judge your mother, especially if you have not been in the trenches with her, trying to keep your father home.
I agree , Delta needs to realize how difficult it is for a spouse to place their other half . The Mom is suffering also . Alz/dementia has deadly octopus tentacles and squeezes not just the person who has it but those caregiving for them as well .
Unlike many of us , you weren’t chosen and guilt tripped by your parent into quitting your job and be a caregiver . Many here have suffered financially , physically and mentally from being a caregiver to parents . Your mother did you a favor , by handling it herself and not upending your life . Perhaps she was intentionally trying to spare you .
So very true, I look back at a job loss from getting ill and having to take care of my disabled sister. I didn't have enough freedom to search for a job before the layoff. I remember going on endless jobs searches and wearing out my shoes on the pavement.
I was always behind the eight ball trying to pay catch up. The rest of the sibs had stable jobs and established households. No one came to help but I got plenty of backlash and criticism from family.
I wish I had a parent who spared my the agony of caretaking.
You came to this forum upset that Mom placed Dad. We told you the truth about what is involved in caring for someone with a Dementia. We have RNs, CNAs and owners of care businesses on this forum who all have experience with what it takes to care for someone. We all have cared for or are caring for someone. We have been there, have you?
You need to understand how the Dementias work. Its a very unpredicable desease. The person can't be reasoned with. Some get aggressive and paranoid. As the deasease progresses, they need more and more care. Have you taken a 200 lb man to the toilet and had to clean him up? Its a known fact the Caregiver dies before the one they are caring for because of the stress. Having someone come in 8 hrs a day is not always a help. There is still the other 16 hrs. Your Mom did what was right for Dad and what was right for her. If you weren't there 24/7 you have no way of knowing what it takes to care for someone with Dementia.
I do not agree with your stance on the forum posters being Judgemental. Your original post was very vague and you did not respond to any questions to give a better understanding of your situation. If you wish to please respond and you may get more insightful (in your opinion) answers. Your original post responses were from people that gave good advice and have been caregivers for many years with some giving care to multiple people. You did not repond to one question but came back to post that we are judgemental. Never judge until you have walked in the shoes of that person.
I believe you are angry and grieving and are lashing out with anger. That's not good for you or your family. For your own wellbeing please seek a therapist or support group to work out your feelings. Resentment will only hurt you and your relationships. Best of luck and I hope you find peace with your mothers decision.
Yes, you care. That is understood. However, you, seem to be the one judging your mom for placing your dad. Do you not understand what your mom was going through trying to care for your dad? Also, were you instrumental in helping your mom care for your dad? You said you resented your mom placing your dad. However, it did not sound like you were giving your mom much help. Even if you were, it's still a lot for family. The responses you were given were 100% on point from many who have been through this. I do not apologize for my response giving to you previously. Your mom deserves a hug and flowers, not resentment.
I did come back and say that we may have been heaping a lot on you at the time. Part of the "problem" might have been is your post was under "Discussions" and there is no place to reply or respond to comments.
I do stand by my thoughts that if you are not a caregiver 24/7 you have no idea what it is like trying to take care of a person with dementia. If your mom told you that dad was getting violent what would your response to her have been? A friend of mind told her children that their dad was getting violent and they did not believe her. Not until she was hurt badly when he shoved her up against a wall. Would you have believed your mom or not?
This is a difficult time for you. You are grieving the loss of "family", you are grieving the potential loss of your dad. This all hurts.
Give your mom a break, support her in her decision. The decision to place someone in any facility is not an easy one. It is not a decision that is made over night.
Again, our comments were not meant to heap judgement on you but the intent was to show that taking care of someone with dementia is not an easy task.
You're judgemental of your mother, so that's okay? You care so much about your father, who needs more help than mother can give him, so go visit him! You were being "abused" with the truth in your last post, so I don't think you have the ability to deal with forums or social media, my friend. Whatever you do, do NOT head over to Reddit or you'll need therapy for years.
Your mother placed your father because his care became too much for her to handle. I hope you can see your mother was suffering and dad is now being cared for by teams of people rather than one worn out woman. Fwiw, dementia is an ugly, lose lose situation for ALL concerned. Nobody wins with dementia and everyone suffers.
To see this for yourself firsthand, why not go to the residence where dad lives and care for him 100%, by yourself, for a weekend? This is the only way to learn what the load feels like. This is also the only way to learn empathy. Doing this may relieve you of the resentment you feel towards your mother, or, it may show you that you're able to care for dad alone in your home from now on. One way or another, you'll finally know for sure.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
No one here said you don't love or care about your father. I'm sure you do, but keep one thing in mind. You weren't willing to take responsibility of your father and his care needs. Why didn't you move him into your house then quit your job to become his 24.7.365 caregiver? Or arrange and even help pay for homecare at your place, as much as he needs? Why didn't you do this?
You didn't take on the responsibility for your father with Alzheimer's because it wasn't possible for you to. Your mother chose to put her man in LTC for his own good and safety. Many times adult children that don't come from homes broken by divorce, forget that their parents had lives and a relationship before they came along. Your mother had to make one of the hardest decisions in life. To put her spouse in a care facility. No one has a right to resent her for that. Not even her kids.
Also, you don't know the world of the homecare business. I do. I've known it for a long time. It can be famously unreliable. Caregivers get sick. They quit a position. Sometimes they just don't show up. It is VERY expensive and unless a person has a great deal of cash, a good LTC insurance policy that covers homecare, or they are on Medicaid, homecare is not an option for them. I'm sure your mother knew this too.
Don't be so judgmental of your mother because you weren't in her position.
What's wrong with that picture?
Do you also care about your mom and her suffering? Do you recognize that not everyone can safely be cared for at home long term?
Placing someone in residential care is not a measure of how much you love them.
The responses you received are not judgmental. They just weren't what you wanted or expected to hear. You are in a forum full of caregivers - who have been through the gauntlet of caregiving. You are going to get direct, straightforward, honest answers - not someone telling you that your mom is wrong for placing your father.
The questions you were asked were also honest. It is completely unfair for you to judge your mother, especially if you have not been in the trenches with her, trying to keep your father home.
I take offense to this . My post was not judgmental .
Perhaps you getting help will help you to be supportive of your mother rather than resenting and judging her . She matters too .
Many here have suffered financially , physically and mentally from being a caregiver to parents .
Your mother did you a favor , by handling it herself and not upending your life . Perhaps she was intentionally trying to spare you .
I was always behind the eight ball trying to pay catch up. The rest of the sibs had stable jobs and established households. No one came to help but I got plenty of backlash and criticism from family.
I wish I had a parent who spared my the agony of caretaking.
You need to understand how the Dementias work. Its a very unpredicable desease. The person can't be reasoned with. Some get aggressive and paranoid. As the deasease progresses, they need more and more care. Have you taken a 200 lb man to the toilet and had to clean him up? Its a known fact the Caregiver dies before the one they are caring for because of the stress. Having someone come in 8 hrs a day is not always a help. There is still the other 16 hrs. Your Mom did what was right for Dad and what was right for her. If you weren't there 24/7 you have no way of knowing what it takes to care for someone with Dementia.
I believe you are angry and grieving and are lashing out with anger. That's not good for you or your family. For your own wellbeing please seek a therapist or support group to work out your feelings. Resentment will only hurt you and your relationships. Best of luck and I hope you find peace with your mothers decision.
Also, were you instrumental in helping your mom care for your dad?
You said you resented your mom placing your dad. However, it did not sound like you were giving your mom much help. Even if you were, it's still a lot for family.
The responses you were given were 100% on point from many who have been through this. I do not apologize for my response giving to you previously. Your mom deserves a hug and flowers, not resentment.
Part of the "problem" might have been is your post was under "Discussions" and there is no place to reply or respond to comments.
I do stand by my thoughts that if you are not a caregiver 24/7 you have no idea what it is like trying to take care of a person with dementia.
If your mom told you that dad was getting violent what would your response to her have been? A friend of mind told her children that their dad was getting violent and they did not believe her. Not until she was hurt badly when he shoved her up against a wall. Would you have believed your mom or not?
This is a difficult time for you. You are grieving the loss of "family", you are grieving the potential loss of your dad. This all hurts.
Give your mom a break, support her in her decision.
The decision to place someone in any facility is not an easy one. It is not a decision that is made over night.
Again, our comments were not meant to heap judgement on you but the intent was to show that taking care of someone with dementia is not an easy task.
Your mother placed your father because his care became too much for her to handle. I hope you can see your mother was suffering and dad is now being cared for by teams of people rather than one worn out woman. Fwiw, dementia is an ugly, lose lose situation for ALL concerned. Nobody wins with dementia and everyone suffers.
To see this for yourself firsthand, why not go to the residence where dad lives and care for him 100%, by yourself, for a weekend? This is the only way to learn what the load feels like. This is also the only way to learn empathy. Doing this may relieve you of the resentment you feel towards your mother, or, it may show you that you're able to care for dad alone in your home from now on. One way or another, you'll finally know for sure.
Take care.