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Her 95 year old partner can’t cope with her falls and infections. It’s the best place for her but she’s so angry that he didn’t marry her and is not taking any financial responsibility for her. She refuses to engage with others in the home or participate in the activities and is becoming more inactive and angry sat in her room. Her anger comes my way because there is no one else and although partner visits regularly, she doesn’t tell him how she feels. I live 200 miles away so only visit once a week. Will she settle given time? How can I help with her anger. I’m exhausted!

This anger is something that is so common I think we have to call it normal. Anger is often a substitute for grief, and the choice is made because grief is so final, so devastating. When you think of it, these losses are truly losses of our final decisions over ourselves. They are the loss of home. The loss of decision making.

In short, this is worth grieving.
Let her know you are grieving WITH her and cannot imagine how painful all of this is.
Let her know that none of this was done out of evil intent, but to insure her safety.
Give her time.
And most of ALL, do not take on responsibility for her happiness. This is not a time of/for happiness. Happiness is going to be happening less and less as more and more losses come.

I am so sorry. And when you think of it, that's all anyone can say to her about this.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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GingerMay Dec 21, 2025
Alva - luv your reply. It is a very real and honest assessment. It is worth grieving. There is so much loss that is happening at the same time. I think it is unrealistic to expect someone to accept this change easily or quickly. Also, I like the comment about not taking responsibility for their happiness which is so easy to do when we are the one who had to facilitate that decision. No, indeed it is not a time of happiness and that feeling does occur less as the losses accumulate.
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This is a problem between her and her partner. Stay out of it!

You don’t need to visit once a week only to bear the brunt of her anger. Object to her treatment of you and cut down on your visits. That would help her to make friends, which would take the heat off you. No need to coddle a senior brat!
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Reply to Fawnby
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Your mum needs more time to adjust to her new surroundings, and at 95 her anger is probably more about losing her independence than anything else. And of course we all take out our anger on those we love the most, so don't take things to heart, Your mum is where she needs to be and is being taken care of 24/7. You can't ask for more than that.
If she opts to not participate in the activities that her care home offers that is on her not you, although I might suggest that when you do make your weekly visit that you go with your mum to some of the activities to show her what fun she's been missing. Just a thought.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Ask her doctor(s) about medication to calm her down. Some can work quickly, some take a couple of weeks, but they can make a big difference. It helps her as well as the rest of you -- it's a terrible mindset to be stuck living in.

Do you know for sure that she isn't engaging with the fellow residents or in the activities? Sometimes they are actually doing okay but exaggerate their misery to their family members. Family members become a trigger for their negativity. If she isn't sharing her anger with her partner, maybe she isn't acting that way with her neighbors either. Just you. For which you have my sympathy. It's very common, unfortunately.
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Reply to MG8522
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You can’t help her anger, most of it is her grieving her old life and what used to be. That’s not something you can bring back or solve. Listening to her doesn’t make it better, it just drains you so limit how much you exposure yourself to the anger. Sympathize briefly and change the topic. Stay out of anything between she and the partner, no discussion of that at all. Old age is filled with losses, that’s the harsh reality. Ask her doctor if she might be helped by a medication to help her mood, my dad certainly was in his last years. A low dose of Zoloft helped lift his mood and made him more pleasant. Accept what you cannot fix. I wish you and your mother both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Why drive 200 miles every week to just have her fuss at you? Maybe cut back to once every two weeks?

Definitely ask about a mild anti-anxiety med. She has a zillion emotions right now and can’t really process any of them. So it comes out as rage. Meds are meant to soothe, not sedate.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Not your fault her Partner didn't marry her. He clearly saw the future as expensive. You cannot "help" her with her resulting anger. She has to tell this guy how she feels, and possibly he will tell her why he didn't marry her. Of course she is not happy with the situation, but will eventually get over it.

Stop visiting her so much, 200 miles is totally inconvenient for you. Make phone calls instead. Mom will eventually settle down and face her own reality she accepted and lived with for years. She still has her Partner visit, so she has not been totally dumped.

Let her pout all day and be a senior brat. You didn't make her become old, start falling and get infections. This is real life as we age. It's not easy for anyone. You cannot work miracles.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Neesy5 Dec 21, 2025
Thanks Dawn. Such a sympathetic reply and really helpful. Much appreciated
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I have posted similar answers before, But I can see it is warranted here. You didn't do anything wrong as you live far away and you want to make sure that your mom is safe and cared for. It is very very difficult for our loved ones in many cases to adjust and understandably so. I keep wondering how I'm going to react some years down the road when I'm in this position of needing care. I would strongly recommend temporarily hiring a private CNA to stay with her a few hours a day starting from lunch time on to dinner... They can help your mother make this adjustment by being a buddy who helps her socialize, go to the activities, etc. Some assisted living facilities have this type of arrangement in place where they assign a CNA to be a buddy to new people, But many don't. I used to be a CNA and often was hired privately by the family to help people adjust to living in assisted living. It really does make a difference. We all have different experiences in how we came to be caregivers and we all need to be encouraging each other on this forum. That's what it is here for.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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Have mom checked for a UTI. My aunt would turn into a monster then checked for UTI, problem solved. This happens pretty regularly and is common in seniors 90+. Good luck.
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Reply to Memory24
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When I placed my mom in a retirement home she was angry for a couple of weeks but I made sure to participate in the activities, had lunches or dinners with her. Ensured her room was looked after, care workers were aware of her needs, and eventually weaned her off me and now she her friends and activities. Family and friends visited her a couple times a year. She’s definitely more settled.
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