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Her 95 year old partner can’t cope with her falls and infections. It’s the best place for her but she’s so angry that he didn’t marry her and is not taking any financial responsibility for her. She refuses to engage with others in the home or participate in the activities and is becoming more inactive and angry sat in her room. Her anger comes my way because there is no one else and although partner visits regularly, she doesn’t tell him how she feels. I live 200 miles away so only visit once a week. Will she settle given time? How can I help with her anger. I’m exhausted!

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Why drive 200 miles every week to just have her fuss at you? Maybe cut back to once every two weeks?

Definitely ask about a mild anti-anxiety med. She has a zillion emotions right now and can’t really process any of them. So it comes out as rage. Meds are meant to soothe, not sedate.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Ask her doctor(s) about medication to calm her down. Some can work quickly, some take a couple of weeks, but they can make a big difference. It helps her as well as the rest of you -- it's a terrible mindset to be stuck living in.

Do you know for sure that she isn't engaging with the fellow residents or in the activities? Sometimes they are actually doing okay but exaggerate their misery to their family members. Family members become a trigger for their negativity. If she isn't sharing her anger with her partner, maybe she isn't acting that way with her neighbors either. Just you. For which you have my sympathy. It's very common, unfortunately.
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Reply to MG8522
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This anger is something that is so common I think we have to call it normal. Anger is often a substitute for grief, and the choice is made because grief is so final, so devastating. When you think of it, these losses are truly losses of our final decisions over ourselves. They are the loss of home. The loss of decision making.

In short, this is worth grieving.
Let her know you are grieving WITH her and cannot imagine how painful all of this is.
Let her know that none of this was done out of evil intent, but to insure her safety.
Give her time.
And most of ALL, do not take on responsibility for her happiness. This is not a time of/for happiness. Happiness is going to be happening less and less as more and more losses come.

I am so sorry. And when you think of it, that's all anyone can say to her about this.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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This is a problem between her and her partner. Stay out of it!

You don’t need to visit once a week only to bear the brunt of her anger. Object to her treatment of you and cut down on your visits. That would help her to make friends, which would take the heat off you. No need to coddle a senior brat!
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Reply to Fawnby
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You can’t help her anger, most of it is her grieving her old life and what used to be. That’s not something you can bring back or solve. Listening to her doesn’t make it better, it just drains you so limit how much you exposure yourself to the anger. Sympathize briefly and change the topic. Stay out of anything between she and the partner, no discussion of that at all. Old age is filled with losses, that’s the harsh reality. Ask her doctor if she might be helped by a medication to help her mood, my dad certainly was in his last years. A low dose of Zoloft helped lift his mood and made him more pleasant. Accept what you cannot fix. I wish you and your mother both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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It sounds like she's grieving her old life and maybe feels a loss of control, which often comes out as anger. Keep visiting and just listen without trying to fix the financial or relationship issues she mentions.
Sometimes just letting her vent can help ease the pressure for you both.
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Reply to JakRenden2
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Your mum needs more time to adjust to her new surroundings, and at 95 her anger is probably more about losing her independence than anything else. And of course we all take out our anger on those we love the most, so don't take things to heart, Your mum is where she needs to be and is being taken care of 24/7. You can't ask for more than that.
If she opts to not participate in the activities that her care home offers that is on her not you, although I might suggest that when you do make your weekly visit that you go with your mum to some of the activities to show her what fun she's been missing. Just a thought.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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