Her 95 year old partner can’t cope with her falls and infections. It’s the best place for her but she’s so angry that he didn’t marry her and is not taking any financial responsibility for her. She refuses to engage with others in the home or participate in the activities and is becoming more inactive and angry sat in her room. Her anger comes my way because there is no one else and although partner visits regularly, she doesn’t tell him how she feels. I live 200 miles away so only visit once a week. Will she settle given time? How can I help with her anger. I’m exhausted!
Definitely ask about a mild anti-anxiety med. She has a zillion emotions right now and can’t really process any of them. So it comes out as rage. Meds are meant to soothe, not sedate.
Do you know for sure that she isn't engaging with the fellow residents or in the activities? Sometimes they are actually doing okay but exaggerate their misery to their family members. Family members become a trigger for their negativity. If she isn't sharing her anger with her partner, maybe she isn't acting that way with her neighbors either. Just you. For which you have my sympathy. It's very common, unfortunately.
In short, this is worth grieving.
Let her know you are grieving WITH her and cannot imagine how painful all of this is.
Let her know that none of this was done out of evil intent, but to insure her safety.
Give her time.
And most of ALL, do not take on responsibility for her happiness. This is not a time of/for happiness. Happiness is going to be happening less and less as more and more losses come.
I am so sorry. And when you think of it, that's all anyone can say to her about this.
You don’t need to visit once a week only to bear the brunt of her anger. Object to her treatment of you and cut down on your visits. That would help her to make friends, which would take the heat off you. No need to coddle a senior brat!
Sometimes just letting her vent can help ease the pressure for you both.
If she opts to not participate in the activities that her care home offers that is on her not you, although I might suggest that when you do make your weekly visit that you go with your mum to some of the activities to show her what fun she's been missing. Just a thought.