How can I rebound emotionally and financially after losing my mom? - AgingCare.com

How can I rebound emotionally and financially after losing my mom?

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I learned the hard way, that it is very hard for others to want to be of help in any significant way. My three sisters left me to care for my mother and a mentally disabled brother. I have one brother that helped with Mom; so he is the only person I have left for any solace. Today, I am facing mortgage problems because I had lost my job shortly before my mother died and was busy with details and had a hard time finding a new job. I have part-time work that I love now and am poised to start a new little business (with really not enough capital). Does anyone have insight on how I can rebound? I have no one to call; I do not want to burden (and possibly lose) my friends and I clearly have no family to help. I am afraid to be out and on my own without my little home.

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You are overwhelmed. Please try to prioritize and deal with your most immediate needs and take time for your self personally. As others have suggested, the mortgage should be your priority. Besides your lender, you may want to contact your states Department of Banking or Dept of Consumer Affairs to see what the state is doing to make the mortgage holders more consumer friendly.

The SBA outreach program is called SCORE, they do seminars on a regular basis all over the US, the most common is "Business Plan 101". There will be an SBA office close to you that will have info on this. The one thing about SCORE is since their retired "experts", they love to listen and love to talk and have the time on your taxpayer $ to do it in a nice office. Also the SCORE offices often are almost like a Kinko's and have printers etc there you can use for doing your business plans. That part of SBA is really good. It might work well for you as it gives you someplace to go to that is new and positive. I've done SBA home & business loans (disaster recovery loans which go through SBA Birmingham directly), which for us was not a good idea in the long run, the rates were low but the level of paperwork was huge and everything is "companionized" which limited the flexibility I needed. SBA can move glacially. SBA loans though participating banks are simpler but the rates are higher.

Libraries are a great resource too. Many offer free classes. Ours has yoga classes, which I was dragged too by a friend and now is just the best thing. There is a group doing "A Course in Miracles" there and another that does recipe swaps.
or you can just get a book on tape or movie for free. Keep positive and take time for yourself.
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Dear daughter, my heart goes out to you. I know what it is like when you really have no one but yourself to shoulder your sorrow and circumstances.The people on this site have been a fantastic source of comfort and knowledge to me. Your pain will hold you back a lot, but, Fake it Til You Make It and Stay Rammy - its you and you alone who will solve your problems. And believe it or not you will be able to overcome this tough time with belief in your ability to survive, diligence and resolve. I was encouraged in my own efforts when an experienced supplier advised me that most businesses start up with next to no capital - what they have most of all is a need to make that business work for them and the ability to make a sale to get it all going. Do what ever you have to in order to hang onto your house, you need your rock foundation to help you weather this storm. If it means taking in a student, or boarder, or foster child, or mentally handicapped adult or elderly person in order to make the mortgage payment, so be it. You never know what may come your way when you reach out for solutions. You may be in a position to help somebody else and yourself at the same time. All the Best to You.
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Daughter 1111: I am very sorry for your loss. Try to find resources to save your home. Contact the Lender. ( important). Is it possible that your part-time position could be expanded to full-time?
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Karen, I lost my mom about 2 months ago...I know exactly how you feel. I have tried multiple times to go clean out her closets and kitchen, and I don't ever get anywhere. My dad recently went into assisted living and I am left to clean out the house. I can't bear to see all my mom's things. I try to talk to family about my feelings. I agree with you that it has shaken me off my foundation. I'm not sure how to cope, actually.
Daughter1111, having the business to work on should help you. The SBA is a great resource as Lilliput said. Do reach out to your friends...you will know right away if they are willing to help.
There are some wonderful, caring people on this site...I come often to help me figure things out. With a brother in another state, I was and am the only caregiver for my parents.
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Daughter 1111, I lost my Mom a little over a month ago. I'm not at all sure if "rebound" is a good idea. It has the suggestion of suddenly bouncing back. At this point, I don't feel like I'll ever get over losing my Mom. How do you "get used" to such a loss? On an intellectual level, I guess I know that time is the key. But on an emotional level, the pain is gripping. You sound like you have a positive plan for moving on, and at least your life will take a direction. As you pursue your goals and interests, always honor your Mom and take time out each day to enjoy some memories. Death is so final, and it has shaken me to the very core of my being. My friends think I'm doing ok - mainly because I lie to them when they ask. Little do they know that when my teenaged son gets on the bus in the mornings (my husband has already left for work) - that's when it's the hardest. Mom always got up to make her tea then. Reminders of Mom are everywhere. We should try, I suppose, to find a way to cling to those memories. Maybe journaling would be a good idea.
Bye the way, my Mom was given the drug Zyprexa - in double doses - despite FDA warnings not to give the drug to elderly dementia patients, and it killed her. If you're caring for an elderly person on this drug, don't hesitate to question her healthcare professional - it could save a life. I wish now that I had known.

Karen
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Daughter1111: I agree with both of the posts above regarding taking time. I, too, have been caring for my mom even before my dad's death and grieving is something I try to do but get distracted. I do set my boundaries (such as on Father's Day I went to grave and told my mom and she started crying of course and I gently told her that today is my day as it is Father's Day and if she could not give me comfort please leave my room and let me grieve privately to which she did. She was never the comforter of the family so this was expected.). It is ok to ask for and sometimes demand what you need if indeed you even know. It is always good as well to have a family member or friend who can be there periodically to give you breaks in order to grieve and/or advocate for you. Time is definitely something we hear heals all wounds but sometimes that "time" is an eternity. Yes, pltrickey: "I wish I had taken time to enjoy the simple pleasures of life" ~ I agree.
And Jaye: I agree with constantly reminding oneself of what successes we have achieved and joys we have given others despite the sacrifices because that's what life is all about ~ sharing our special gifts with others.
Hope we all have a great day!
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dear daughter 1111, Please know that you have my deep and abiding respect! I know this is hard, and I would encourage you to be kind to yourself and take time.... I have cared for my grandparents and my Father, so I do understand. You will spend time crying and grieving and this is okay. I think as far as financial issue I would talk with lenders and ask them to be understanding. What you did for your MOM was a special gift, and as time goes on remind yourself of that. Allowing someone to die with dignity and respect and comfortably is so special... take care, and God bless!!!
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Daughter1111 my heart is with you at this time. Understanding that mourning the loss of your loved one seems to take much longer than you think will help you get over the emotional dips of deep sadness. It is important to take time for these deep times of mourning. I didn't have enough time to mourn my father when he passed because I was thrown right into caring for my mother. So take time to nurture yourself as you start this new adventure. You don't want to look back on your life and say "I wish I had taken time to enjoy the simple pleasures of life."
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This site is the greatest for filling the void of the family/friends we choose not to include in our every day lives, that's for sure!
I am returning to counseling this week. I entered counseling the day my Dad died last year, was in counseling for a few months, this time around I am experiencing anxiety about caring for my mom. She has minimal health issues but I still want to be here for her as she ebbs and tides with the issues at hand.
I was a full time student but am changing my status to part time until my mom's emotional and physical health stabilizes.
With all this being said, I encourage all to seek counseling. Sometimes it is private practice, on campus, through insurance or sliding scale income, or from church or synagogue. I personally found turning to family (who is always into their own worlds) or friends (who have or have not experience the loss of a parent and/or is caregiving a parent) did not work for me.
Daughter1111: you are not alone and neither am I and neither is anyone else on this site or in this world. I am thankful for this site and the friendships that are developing because of it.
I have not rebounded from the death of my best friend in 1988. She graduated from the same university I am presently attending and sometimes I wonder "did she walk these halls?" "did she sit on this bench?" So please be patient with yourself and don't expect to rebound very quickly. I have come to embrace the thought that grieving takes a lifetime. As far as financially, many others gave great ideas including SBA and perhaps some adult education courses could lead you to the right place that you want to be. In this economy, there are many resources left untapped. I pray you find the right one for you. Good night zzzz Peg
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I wish you both the best. To come through the caregiving experience took great strength and inner resources. I'm sure as you apply those to your own situtations you will be rewarded.
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