I agree with a lot of what is being said. I am doing a lot of caretaking for my parents. They no longer can drive so now everything must be done for them. I've taken on grocery shopping, dr appts, cleaning and a lot of other chores to help them. I do have 3 other siblings and they also help out some. Although I feel like I do the majority of the work. They are able to still live in their home. The problem will be when one of them passes on and the other won't be able to live alone. I won't have a problem of having my Mom move in with me but Dad would be a different story. My parents did provide housing, food, etc while we were growing up. But my Dad was a difficult person and frankly don't know that I 'owe' him anything. They took care of me for 18 years and that was it. I actually have been helping my parents out for over 20 years with ever increasing work. So not sure you can even compare their caring for us and our caring for them. Anyway, I have taken on most of the caregiving because I'm retired. My husband died last year so I'm pretty free to help them out but not to the point of giving up my life which I haven't done yet. So far, I've just been reimbursing myself out of their checking account. I haven't taken any kind of 'payment for my services yet. But if I start doing more, I will talk to my siblings about it and agree on a payment....
this is part of the huge dilemma I am facing...yes, none of us asked to be born. For some the obligation to look out for a child ends at 18 or 21...and those kids could walk away from their parents and let them fend for themselves when they need help. For others we were raised or have the values of family being valued, and that we are there for each other...but still, lives in this day and age are complex and it is hard to work, even part time, and take on other responsibilities as well...especially as adult children are getting older. EVEN, dare I say, single people, who still get tired and have their own details to tend to. I don't think you can put a price on raising a kid, nor on caregiving. Huge challenges. Sacrifices at times.
Yeah I agree with you gdaughter...some days I guess I just feel overly obligated or something...caregiving is hard and part of it is that now I 'have' to do it..whereas before it was more that I 'chose' to help them out. But now they are dependent on me. I chose not to have children. So have never had anyone 'depend' on me...this is a new thing for me. But me and my siblings are discussing hiring someone to come in to help out...although my parents won't like that but then I didn't like everything they made me do growing up...:)
I have had the care of my elderly and dependent parents for years. But it really wasn't my parents that I was charging. I was charging their estate. I have siblings who live near by and my parents' estate is left to us in equal shares.
My siblings love my parents and, of course, have a moral obligation to care for them, too. However, they travel, go to parties, visit their kids, remodel their homes, have friends over. And why not? Their parents are being cared for in a lovely, loving home---the care takers (my husband and I) never leave, are always there for the doctor's visits, and forego entertainment events. Hmmm. That sounds like they owe me a debt, both one of gratitude and one of finance. And that debt, really isn't paid in full by that room and board expenditure (nowhere, not even in the ballpark, near it), but at least it's not a runaway train. I wonder if my siblings even recognize their obligation because I never, ever hear one word of thanks.
Here are some things to think about if one is trying to decide whether to quit work to care for an aging parent.... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose over the years between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary over those years... it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance coverage.... loss of money being put into Social Security/Medicare..... loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp insurance.... company sponsored life insurance.... vacation pay, sick pay.... tuition assistance, etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]
I recall one co-worker saying to me that my parents cared for me when I was a child.... to which I said, but my parents weren't in their 60's when I was a child. Huge difference energy wise.
My parents were in their 90's and still lived at home which had a lot of stairs. I wasn't hands-on as they didn't need that care at that point in time so I kept my career. But they were fall risks. Anytime I drove my own vehicle for their appointments, they insisted I full up my gas tank to which they paid. And they kept a running tab of anything I needed to get for them where I used my own funds, thus I was reimbursed.
But the stress and sleepless nights took a huge toll on me after 7 years. No amount of money would be worth to be a caregiver, unless that was one's career goal.
I would first find out what professional caregivers make and go from there. In a world were so many people are hurting financially, these days you just can't afford to not get paid for your work, especially if you happen to be dealing with a very tough situation
My mom was relatively low maintenance. Buy groceries, cooking, some bill payment, take to Dr appointments, etc. She gave me $700 to cover groceries + gas. She came up with amount - I don't know how, and it really wasn't an issue. All circumstances are different. Her brother, my uncle, is a different matter - I don't think any money in world would be worth it. so stressful to be with him and I don't live with him. I'm dreading the next trip.
I applaud Mary 0904 thinking - caregivers are charging the ESTATE, not the parents. Caregivers probably give up jobs, vacations, social life and some is never to be recovered.
What if the adult child taking care of the parent is jobless and homeless caring for a mentally competent parent? The child pays no bills at all but does assist parent with MD appointments, shopping, etc. Wouldn't that be considered working for room and board?
I am going through a VERY difficult time with my soon to be 92 mother. I am exhausted. I have a part time caregiver come in 30 hrs a week. Then when I get home from work. Its my 2nd full time job. My eldest brother was her caregiver and passed away 8 months ago. He was not taking care of himself and died at 59. Now I have taken the responsibility with no help from my other brother. I am glad to see I am not alone in this situation. But, my mother has some money. Not a lot.. but she will not pay me a cent. She would rather give it to my unemployed recovering alcoholic brother. What am I missing here? Even when we all lived at home as young adults. My dad died when I was 21 and we all had to pitch in. Being the only girl, my mother's expectations were quite high. I worked 40 hrs a week, went to night school and had to tend to the household chores and grocery shopping. I gave my mother $$ every week. My brothers gave her money when they felt like it. SO now she is living in my living room. She is acting like Driving Miss Daisy... but worse. She thinks she is acting absolutely fine. My support system is my fabulous husband and daughter. But. this is the hardest and saddest time of my life. I love my mother.. but nothing prepares you for this. I still need help. In the process of getting IHSS provider. Thanks for listening.
To roseinwinter, If you are the youngest and gave up employment while the other 2 siblings live extrvagant lifestyles, perhaps you would think differently, Going on now for 7 years, my husband and I have devoted our entire lives to my mom. It is a 24/7 gig, and my husband is disabled. So I have a lot on my shoulders. We have not had a date night or alone time in over 7 years. We do not sleep in the same bed. I have to stay in the room with my mom because she gets up in the night and has no idea where she is, and heads out the door sometimes. I am sure my siblings think we are living off my mom, quite to the contrary. Even with records and her banking statement all transparent I have been told I live off her.
How old is this "child"? Under 16 child is too young to have full care for their elderly parent. 16 or over, minimum wage unless child has to give some personal care. Personal care. . . as high as you can afford.
I have taken care of my grandma for 7 years now!!!! Within the last year, I had to quit my job and financially, spiritually, and emotionally go through the ringer caring for her. Now I have a son and obligations, but my grandma and her brother POA don't seem to think I should get paid for taking caring of her. I seriously don't want to ask for money, but how do I provide for my son and take care of grandma!!! They don't care and she has the funds to.
I think many grow up in a house where parents refused the responsibilities of parenting. I myself became my mother's care taker around age 7. She had some sort of early onset dementia and paranoia, was very abusive and combative. My job was to keep her calmed down, away from neighbors, do the chores for her, house repairs, keep her entertained and be her emotional dumping ground so my dad could enjoy his life. I began paying for myself at age 17 and several years before then had to couch surf and work as a domestic for various families when mom became too violent for me to remain in home.
I'm not alone with this type of tale. These types of parents are also in need of care when they age. Often they will put the greatest demand upon their adult children. I helped out in an emergency or two and years later have been wrung out by all the chaos and demands of one health crisis after the other with my aging narcissistic parent.
While I don't pay myself, I do reimburse myself for out of pocket expenses for travel,etc that are specifically for his care. And I do put in sometimes weeks at a time with his care. And sometimes many hours a week with logistics, bills, care coordination, equipment, etc. Sometimes more. Of course, I'm not compensated for this either. And mounting doctors bills from injury are also on my dime as well as loss of income from many missed opportunities. Don't even know how you can calculate any of this it's just lost in the mix.
Folks that think adult children should do in home care for years for free or pay for some or all of parents care when they can afford to pay for it themselves really miss the point. Some folks saddled their children with debt starting out as adults--with PTSD, with learned dysfunction, with zero connections, with terribly out of touch expectations to make everyone happy, with poor health, with spotty education. We've already paid the price several times over by the time we're adult children. By care giving during child hood, by paying for our own care during adult hood to recover from the dysfunction. And then again when our dysfunctional parents need care as they age. We may be willing to provide care, but we need to be careful that we are not left high and dry in the process. For those providing care at home in a number of situations, compensation from family or estate is a no brainer.
For all of you who had great parents, that sacrificed for you and let you have a childhood that led to your successful happy life. I truly understand and applaude your gratitude. Please be understanding that some of us are acting from duty and are often still impoverished from the long standing effects of our earlier rounds of care giving during childhood. and early adulthood.
I agree with being paid bcuz it really does limit your freedom as a married couple. No impulse trips to anywhere cuz you have to plan sitter and if you cant get one you have to stay home. Its the only part that makes you feel like a prisoner no matter how wonderful the person is. Giving up your free life has to b worth something and it will be a lot less than what a NH will charge. But no one answered the question asked: what is a reasonable amount to be paid? Or can food or bills be paid instead of money to lighten the load for the caregiver?
My husband and I have been 24/7 caregivers for my mom for over 6 years now. Until we were able to get her a widows pension throught the VA we got nothing other than living in her home. Yes, the utilites are out of her checking account, but neither of us could work because of this. She only got the amount from the pension because it was deemed $800 for care. So basically that is what we get. We have kept all the maintenance on her home, buy all her groceries, even before we moved in, and kept her vechicles maintained out of our own pocket. A lawyet from Agency on Aging did a quit claim deed because he had put in a lot of money in the home out of our own pocket, I had asked how we would get this back should she need NH care down the road. Being we had been her total care for over 5 years, we were able to do this. Our grandson has been granted a wish this coming January and we are going as our daughter is single. I have already inquired for respite care at a memory care home, and it is $200 a day/overnight. So you do the math, and if you cannot work because of being a caregiver, you might find a balance. I have seen than in home caregivers, (not family) are costing over $10K a month. I assume you are not talking about a minor child and that one has given up employment to be there 24/7. My husband and I have not done anything alone together in over 7 years now. I no longer feel guilty about this house going to be ours. I did for a while, but we have sacrificed a lot to do this. We have no regrets... but we are getting close to burnout. Best to you.
My siblings love my parents and, of course, have a moral obligation to care for them, too. However, they travel, go to parties, visit their kids, remodel their homes, have friends over. And why not? Their parents are being cared for in a lovely, loving home---the care takers (my husband and I) never leave, are always there for the doctor's visits, and forego entertainment events. Hmmm. That sounds like they owe me a debt, both one of gratitude and one of finance. And that debt, really isn't paid in full by that room and board expenditure (nowhere, not even in the ballpark, near it), but at least it's not a runaway train. I wonder if my siblings even recognize their obligation because I never, ever hear one word of thanks.
I recall one co-worker saying to me that my parents cared for me when I was a child.... to which I said, but my parents weren't in their 60's when I was a child. Huge difference energy wise.
My parents were in their 90's and still lived at home which had a lot of stairs. I wasn't hands-on as they didn't need that care at that point in time so I kept my career. But they were fall risks. Anytime I drove my own vehicle for their appointments, they insisted I full up my gas tank to which they paid. And they kept a running tab of anything I needed to get for them where I used my own funds, thus I was reimbursed.
But the stress and sleepless nights took a huge toll on me after 7 years. No amount of money would be worth to be a caregiver, unless that was one's career goal.
parenting. I myself became my mother's care taker around age 7. She had
some sort of early onset dementia and paranoia, was very abusive and combative.
My job was to keep her calmed down, away from neighbors, do the chores for her,
house repairs, keep her entertained and be her emotional dumping ground so my dad
could enjoy his life. I began paying for myself at age 17 and several years before then had to couch surf and work as a domestic for various families when mom became too
violent for me to remain in home.
I'm not alone with this type of tale. These types of parents are also in need of care
when they age. Often they will put the greatest demand upon their adult children.
I helped out in an emergency or two and years later have been wrung out by all the
chaos and demands of one health crisis after the other with my aging narcissistic parent.
While I don't pay myself, I do reimburse myself for out of pocket expenses for travel,etc
that are specifically for his care. And I do put in sometimes weeks at a time with his
care. And sometimes many hours a week with logistics, bills, care coordination, equipment, etc. Sometimes more. Of course, I'm not compensated for this either.
And mounting doctors bills from injury are also on my dime as well as loss of income
from many missed opportunities. Don't even know how you can calculate any of this
it's just lost in the mix.
Folks that think adult children should do in home care for years for free or pay for some or all of parents care when they can afford to pay for it themselves really miss the point. Some folks saddled their children with debt starting out as adults--with PTSD, with learned dysfunction, with zero connections, with terribly out of touch expectations to make everyone happy, with poor health, with spotty education. We've already paid the price several times over by the time we're adult children. By care giving during child hood, by paying for our own care during adult hood to recover from the dysfunction. And then again when our dysfunctional parents need care as they age. We may be willing to provide care, but we need to be careful that we are not left high and dry in the process. For those providing care at home in a number of situations, compensation
from family or estate is a no brainer.
For all of you who had great parents, that sacrificed for you and let you have a
childhood that led to your successful happy life. I truly understand and applaude
your gratitude. Please be understanding that some of us are acting from duty and
are often still impoverished from the long standing effects of our earlier rounds of care giving during childhood. and early adulthood.