Hi all. Sheesh you guys have been busy while I was away! ;)
If I may throw in my two cents worth- first, I think each situation is unique and should be handled that way. IMO.
But also, something to think about, my daughter turns 18 next year-she has special needs and we will be taking her to court to declare her incompetent -(hate that word but it is what "they" use). We have to---she has mental retardation - Anyway she will also start receiving social security for her disability. As her parents we are keeping that. So I guess you could say as a parent we are getting paid to raise our child. I don't feel bad about this. We will be using the money for her care and her needs. Things we are doing now but not getting paid for.
Well I am one of those that my mother should never have had. Come to find out she is a Narcissist. She resented us because we took attention away from her. It is the same to this day. Even if I mention one of my kids or grandkids, she will not acknowledge what I have complimented them on , but will bring up my brother , or his kids because they are bigger and better or have done more. No acknowledgement. She will go buy my brother clothes, who does nothing, and my sister can't get $5.00 from her, and she has earned it. My sister and I the ones she gave to my grandmother for the first years of our life are the ones out of the four that are there to help my mother. She has dementia, something I reached out to my family requesting they do some research on 2 years ago. She is now worse of course because no one did anything. She tells them lies constantly, and then the other two come to myself and my sister with threats of calling the elder abuse line. OMG, I am 55, she is the one doing the abusing. She cusses at us, has attempted to hit us both on more than one occasion has threatened to cut my hands off. Yet we still go over there and help her. Anyway, my sister is not working so that she can take care of my mom. Yes she sleeps there but my goodness that doesn't pay for what my sister does. Granted she could probably do more as in cleaning, but it is so hard to do things when you are constantly being yelled at and disrespected. I have been giving my sister money when I can. I will go to the store for my mom and spend my own money. How can we get paid for taking care of her. Does anything come out of her Social Security Checks for this. My mother doesn't have any assets to speak of. So it isn't like we will be inheriting anything. We are not doing it for money. We are doing it because quite frankly, no one else will. As I write this, I also know that what little my mom has nik naks , her car , When something does happen to my mom, I can tell you right now, the other two will be there to get anything that is worth over a quarter, and my sister and I the ones who have suffered and did all the work will end up with nothing. How do we protect ourselves. How can we get paid for caring for her? She is not able to handle her finances either most of the time. She is paying $178.00 per month for a trainer in the gym. OMG the woman cant walk. They take her in a back room, rub her legs and charge her out the ear. Where do we start with any of this? How do we get paid for taking care of her. What do you do when a elderly person abuses you.? Especially when you have two other siblings that want to threaten elder abuse because of her lies. She, our mother, has people we know believing such horrible things about us two, it is so crazy. Her next door neighbor by the Grace of God caught on to this, which I am happy for, God only knows when we may need the witness, or be hauled of to jail. I just don't understand and the other two whom have been loved, catered too, do absolutely nothing, us two that got the short end of the stick are the ones that stick by her. Please help us to find the out how to get paid to do this, so we don't lose it all. \
No price for the price we pay! I feel y'all! I am not even related to my boyfriends, YES BOYFRIENDs needy family members , quit my job flew out to CA to help him with a violent behavioral Gma and an alert Aunt with a failed body.. If you come up with a price lemme know. the way I figure.. if they were in a nursing home they'd be paying thousands a month so, at lest 2,000.00 monthly and that is still not enough. I chalk it up to karma and it could be us one day.... Free , I will take my reward in heaven and at this rate I may make it there before these two Daisy's... It is hard and hope that the bf appreciates the sacrifice... time will tell. I miss my own family back east. I am a Christian and know I'm doing the right thing. I am human and the fact that I believe in God does not make this job any easier. Sounds corny but praying for strength and giving all the problems to God to deal with helps me. Still broke, lol, but it helps.....
Hi kellyjo, I am so sorry you are going through all of that. I really do not know how it works with the elderly. I thought I read a post back a few that seemed like really good advice -on this thread-about how to get some help financially. You know I found going to a therapist very theraputic when my Mom was diagnosed. I knew with her diagnosis that I would not be getting the apology that I craved so much and I also knew I would be called upon to help her. It really helped to vent to a therapist and be told my feelings are valid. Just a thought.
Hi gonenutz, my goodness!- you seem a dear! But remember to take care of yourself as well!- for you too are a child of God and should not be neglected or abused. I am all for doing my Christian duty but I do think that most people who are worried about getting paid to take care of a loved one are doing it out of necessity. And for the loved ones needs. If one is going about trying to make a profit off their caregiving ( unless a professional) or see their caregivee as some sort of cash cow , well, that , IMO, is not right. But I feel like the posts on here are just from people who are desperately in need of financial help and the cost of their care giving is draining their resources. There is no shame, IMO, seeking financial assistance when needed.
Gonenutz, yeah, I feel you... I'm doing a lot of talking with the Almighty lately myself...
And yes, I think most of these stories are out of need, not greed. I mean, yeah, we're care givers, but we have to keep living...we have to stay here after our charges are gone. And this is an expensive world.
And what if you're out of the work force for years due to care giving? It's not unheard of. Why shouldn't people expect their time to be worth something? Should we simply walk away totally broke instead when care giving is over, looking at a shaky future? Then what? Getting paid to do a hard job seems like plain common sense to me, all things considered... like future bills and rent when care taking is over...
We are lucky that my dad gets a nice pension and my parents saved just in case they needed it in their later years. They made me POA long before it was needed and put me on their checking accounts, etc. When my mom died, my dad with mid-to-late stage ALZ came to live with my husband and I. I discussed with my 3 siblings what would be a fair and equitable amount to compensate caregivers, whether it was us or someone else. We all agreed that if my husband and I were going to have to reduce our hours at work or quit our jobs to care for him, we should be paid.
We initially agreed on $100 per day (for an 8 to 10 hour shift), Mon-Fri. I take care of my dad in the evenings and on weekends at no charge. :)
About 6 months ago, as he has declined, the stress of staying with him has increased. The "going" rate is now $150. I still do evenings and weekends.
My husband left his job and spends 3 days a week with dad. My son cares for him the other two. I work full-time - well, mostly. I'm on an FMLA and take time as needed, whether it be to give the caregivers a day off or for drs. appts., etc.
Once we sold his home and he no longer had any expenses related to that, he also began contributing to our household by buying the groceries for the house. With someone here 24/7, our grocery bill increased dramatically and we felt this was a reasonable expense for him to cover. We still pay all of our other household bills.
2 of my three siblings have been extremely helpful and visit regularly to give us breaks. When they will accept, I reimburse them for their travel expenses but they feel that they would have visited their dad either way so they usually decline.
We have been very blessed so far in so that we all are in total agreement on these arrangements and on how we would handle things as they arise in the future. I know that I have been very lucky to have parents that planned and siblings that support. I hope that you can find a way to make things work.
Clare, you are so fortunate to have a family that is more concerned about what folks need instead of what will be left for them if you were paid! Not many families work that way. And for you to have an employer that will work with you! I wish that things worked this way for even 1/4 of us.
For now the arrangement works. When the time comes for more physical care I hope to be able to have skilled caregivers help us at home as long as possible. Right now, he still dresses, showers, etc. with some instruction so we are able to handle it. I am VERY careful with spending, as I realize that at some point he may need to go to a memory care facility and that could be $5K or more per month. I should also add that he has GREAT supplemental insurance and has $0 out of pocket expense for doctor's visits and very low prescription costs. I am sure that not having the financial worries that some do makes it easier to take care of him.
And, yes, my employer has been wonderful. But having filed FMLA, they are required to work with me! His doctor was more than happy to complete the paperwork for me and that was helped put me at ease as far as job security. Even a good employer can grow weary of the intermittent, sometimes expected, sometimes not, need to take time off.
You are all really awesome folks! In CA the dept of aging and medi-cal can have IHS pay you to be a caregiver. We do not qualify. Neither of his family members can afford NH and we have gone broke forking out our savings and paychecks when we had them. Money is very tight and we will continue to care for our family as long as possible. Pretty sure $$$ is an issue for most. His Aunts situation is way to long to even begin to explain and she has no options but us. Her med bills are so high and is currently back in hospital for her vascular issues in left lower extremity. Keeping you all in our prayers. Btw, I used to work at a NH and if I can keep his or my family out of one, I will !
Our savings. My wife still works. We paid for all of her care for two years. Recently a judge ruled Mom's SS goes to her, so now she can afford to buy many things for herself, which has eased our part.
Thank you so much for acknowledging my feelings, or our feelings, it is amazing for us caregivers how important that is. As mentioned yes, there is a mixed bag of feelings, but there are the same mix of upbringing I am sure. I have to say by the Grace of God my grandmother did raise me during my critical character building years,. it is for that I am a good person, and so is my sister. Understand that in my teen years I watched my mother hit and throw things at my grandmother on a regular basis, of course after gma left I was blamed for the argument, just imagine the guilt I grew up with starting at 5 years old.. In the later years after gma passed away mom had my grandfather until he got really bad with Alzehmers, and that is when he was dropped at my house for 3 years with not even a diagnosis from the Dr. I begged my mother to come get him for one night to eat at her house. just needed a little break. (I had my four children that were in their teens, and my nephew. Grandpa didn't have a bedroom, we only had 3 bedrooms, he slept on a cot. I worked 40 hours + a week) I came home after asking her for this break to see her yelling at him to behave himself. It wasn't a week later that she found a home for him. OMG, it was one of those places literally in the ghetto, I mean gun slinging ghetto. I told her over my dead body. The story she tells is she found a nice home for him and I told her I needed the money so I wouldn't put him in the home. Sad thing is their are people that believe her, as has happened most of my life. Because they look at their mom and the respect they have and give the same to my mom,. when she isn't the same. I don't know many mothers like her. Im sorry off track her,. My grandpa, He ended up choking to death at my house because I was unfamiliar with the disease or that they forget how to swallow. When my grandfather was 80 years old, I guess my mother instructed him to clean our her stand alone freezer in the garage, he didn't do it, and she smacked him for not doing it. He would drive one hour a day to work with her so she didn't have to drive alone and sit in the car until she got off work, eight hours a day. . So between the way she continues to talk to me and my sister, and the past treatment of my grandparents who I adored, in some ways it is so difficult to go through this everyday. I can only do the substitute caregiving because I am to emotional . My sister had to leave to go make a couple of dollars this week, and I decided not to even go over there, she needs to see what she does need, or at least appreciate what we do for her. So I called her this morning thinking I would shock her by telling her my brother (her idol) wants to put a 24 hour camera in the house, that my sister stays at most of the time as well. Thinking I would shock her, Oh no, she said, yeah I know, I don't care what he does. So my 52 year old sister has to be watched as well. Is this how he thinks he will be caregiving. I spend so much of my time reading about Dementia, Narcissism, my brain is just so full of information, because I didn't know about this and gpa died and he didn't have to. maybe we should go see a therapist, but again it is more time she is taking out of our life. I am not a spring chicken nor is my sister, something else her and I have been talking about. The woman is going to be the cause of our demise. Sincerely, I think we were both looking for some healing. Before my sister left this week she told my mom that she needed to let her golden children no the truth, that we take good care of her, and that she loved us just as much. I just don't think we are going to get what we are looking for, which is acknowledgement and to feel truly loved by our own mother. From what I have read even with dementia they know what they have done and somewhere in their head they fear that we will get even in her vulnerable state. It couldn't be further from the truth. She refuses to fill out the papers so we can be paid, she won't even buy food to eat. We have to actually sneak things in the other room to eat. All I can say is still trying to find a way to resolve this. I am not a nut I promise, ..... I am a Christian that truly believes I am building my road to heaven here on this earth. That we reap what we so, and that things come back to us ten fold, and with that I feel guilt ridden when I look at her toes, and say OH NO WAY in Gods Green Earth you better go pay someone. LOL There are just somethings I can't do. If we could afford an attorney we would go. I know that if we can even get my sister a income things will not be so bad. She can feel better, I won't feel responsible for everyone. Because I am noticing as I write this, I am getting pretty bitter and that is not a good thing. Thank you again. I will try to stay on topic
A family caregiver has to literally erase the past. It's not about that. I have an elderly person who needs help. Whatever transpired between the child who was me and the mother who was her, has no place in this. This a big problem with family members being caregivers. Some bring in baggage that can torpedo the mission. In my case the mission is to provide spectacular care to a person who suffered a brain injury and has psychosis. She is in my mother's body; she is not my mother. My mother, before I became an adult, did not have an injured brain and psychosis.
My Dad has a sizable estate. I do this for love and because I can never repay him for being there for me every day of my life. Lol my family gives me $500.00 a month extra from the estate when Dad dies. I didn't ask for this, but it wouldn't cover an 8 hour day of what I do for this man, much less the 24/7 I give this man. If the money is there take it. You deserve it. Why should siblings who do nothing inherit an estate your exertions kept intact. Your time and effort should be rewarded. Get a lawyer draw up a contract, or else you will be in court when your parent passes. Keep perfect records. Pay taxes on it, because vindicative siblings will report you to the IRS. The quality of your care comes from love, but you shouldn't be punished financially because of that love. $25.00 is the going rate for home health aides in Philly. That doesn't include cleaning and laundry.
this is my first time at this sight. i DO realize the strain of being a caregiver. i have been a hospice caregiver for years as well as caregiver or my mother and father in their later years. what i want to say is that i will not be back to this site. venom and hatred are not why i visited. bless you all.
Why not hire a home health aide at $25 an hour. After all, if it's okay for most of an elderly person's heirs to get nothing, it's okay for you to get nothing.
Gone and Standing, you guys are right on! The only way we make it around here is the money my dad pays in, believe me it is minimal to an hourly wage. So I don't feel bad because it allows the three of us to have a roof, three meals, clean clothes, you know the basics. I haven't found a job, if I did, what do I do with dad??????
Clare, your arrangement and how you and your family handles things is awesome. FMLA sounds like a godsend! I wish I would have known about it long ago..
whiteknight, I'm just going to give my own answer to your question on "do nothing" even though it wasn't directed at me in particular. My definition of siblings that do nothing are my own siblings. I live in Canada and they live in different provinces than I do. I have always been my mum's POA and when she was told a year ago that she required live-in-care, my sisters did not offer to change their lives to accommodate her, so I did. I was self-employed and I gave up my clients, I locked up my condo and I moved in to my mum's home to care for her because she wants to stay in her home as long as possible before going into a care facility. I am only 52 so I still need to make a living for my retirement and my mum can afford to pay me a salary. There are many caregivers who receive no help from their siblings and have given up their jobs and homes like I have but their parent cannot afford to pay them, so in return they feel that they should be entitled to the estate when the parent dies, I have to say I agree with them. If the siblings feel they should benefit with equal shares of their parent's estate, than they should have provided equal care toward the parent and if that was not possible, they should have chipped in financially to give the sibling/caregiver a salary. This is what I truly believe to be fair.
58, I understand where you are totally. I've been out of the work force a long time now. I'd like to get back out there, but it's not that easy, unfortunately...
It sounds to me like everyone in the house has a good understanding of how the finances are going to be handled, and everyone is on board. That's a good thing, imo. At least you're working together and not fighting.. To me there's nothing to feel guilty about... It works for your family, and that's what matters. You're comfortable, your dad is safe... and you do what you gotta do to make it in this crazy expensive world...
First, at $25.00 an hour, the care we provide my mother would be $218,400 per year: 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. A local home health care agency came in and valued the level of care we provide. They said if they were to replace us, it would cost $99,000 per year. Somebody mentioned $150 a day. That would be $54,750 per year. Minimum wage for 24-and-7 would be $63,336.
Imo, any child living in the parent's home and charging a parent, or parents, $218,000 per year should go to the slammer. Let's say the parent(s) dividend and interest income is 1,000,000 per year? Same thing: slammer. Ditto for $99,000: the slammer.
On the other hand, say an elderly parent has SS of $20,000 and no other income, and they own a house free and clear (and no other assets) worth $60,000, in which the caregiver is living. The government says that caregiver, if their care genuinely prevented the parent from being placed in a nursing home, has earned $30,000 per year for the house, and they easily earn the residual of the $20,000 not used to meet the needs of the elderly person. This could be a very low number, and even a negative number (caregiver pays own money in to pay for parent's needs, meaning value of the house as compensation goes down accordingly). This caregiver clearly has earned what they get, assuming excellent care, which would be far less than minimum wage.
So what a family member taking care of an elderly parent can earn ranges from criminal financial exploitation to peanuts.
Really, knight? The slammer for taking $200,000 a year as payment for care giving? My! Well, I have a different take on it.
If my mom could afford to pay someone a couple hundred thousand a year, well why not a relative? She'd be paying somebody. Some nursing homes are upward of $100,000 a year around here, for the really good ones. I consider my time, what I do, worth double that. See, at the facility, they work in shifts. In my world, 24/7 is MY shift. I don't get time off, or nice vacations. In fact, I don't get to do jack, because I'm HERE taking care of mother....24/7 because SHE didn't PLAN for anything. She didn't consider long term anything, and left me with a hell of a mess to deal with around here...24 hours a day.
My mom's properties, when combined, could very well bring a half mil or more. I'm not going to feel guilty taking any of it.
If I put an ad in the paper, it would read like this:
Full time 24/7 care giver looking for work. Alzheimers/dementia patients welcome. Salary desired: $250-500 thousand per year to start. Salary based on changing circumstances. Will bathe, fix and make means, do all household chores, and some outdoor work as well. I will live in the house with the patient, and will be on call for you and the patient 24/7, all holidays, all weekends, all birthdays. I will give a life of dignity and respect to your elder, and I guarantee my work 100%. Satisfaction is guaranteed. I prefer my days to be audio and video taped for all concerned, so that my work, and what you're paying for, is well documented.
So...yeah. If I knew beyond all doubt that my mom had the means, and could easily pay me a couple hundred thou a year, would I turn that down? No. In fact, I would have demanded it from the get go, before I ever set foot in here... Unfortunately, some of us don't get the warm, fluffy ones... Yeah, we get the ones you really wouldn't want to deal with yourself, but can't possibly understand what being in the 'dregs' means..
To me, it's all a matter of prospective. How much do YOU think your time is worth? $10,000 a year? $200, 000? Well, then that's what it's worth. As most of us know though, we don't get paid near what we're worth, or we don't get paid at all, but we still try and do the right thing when we have to... I know what I do day in and day out, I know what I personally deal with. Do I personally think I'm worth a couple hundred g's a year? Yeah. Just about everybody here is. But alas, we don't make that money knight, not unless our parents are millionaires. Then, who cares anyway? They can afford to pay well, and should. If I had a parent with a million dollar a year income, I wouldn't be here. At all. Somebody else would be dealing. A mere mil for year on end of what I do personally in the care of my mother? Forget it. That wouldn't be nearly enough. I think care takers highly, very highly undervalue themselves. Just read...you'll see. I think, imo, that's a huge mistake.
I think personally, that there should be a law somewhere that makes sure that care givers are paid some FAT money when a person is required by necessity to care for a highly disabled patient around the clock, 24/7. I think parents should be required by law to pay their adult children restitution for services, time and effort rendered....and lets not forget all those lost hours at work the care giver is forced to give up eventually, and then possibly total job loss due to care giving that can come from having to take care of a person that can't be left alone anymore.
And if my parents made a mil a year, and paid me $200, 000 a year of it, and they had to survive on a 'measly' $800 thou a year... boo freaking hoo... Cry me a river. Would I deserve JAIL for taking that money? Hell no, as far as I'm concerned, I'm underpaid if they want me around the clock, thanks.
Like I said, it's all about perspective. I personally am a huge advocate for care givers getting PAID. In the UK, if you have to quit your job to take care of someone who needs around the clock care, their government pays those people. And why shouldn't they? And here in the good ol' US of A, we have laws that could, if enforced, FORCE you to take care of an elderly parent, provide them with food, shelter, clothes, whatever they need, at your own expense. The law can also possibly obligate you to pay your elders debts.. Really now. It's that just lovely? I wish I lived in the UK.
Million dollar a year parents... I freaking wish...
whiteknight.. you said that any child living in the parent's home charging $218,400 a year should go to the slammer. You make it sound as though the child/caregiver didn't have any other place to live! I own my own home and had to lock it up and leave it to move in with my mum. It's kind of hard to provide live in care if you don't live in the person's house. Secondly, I agree with you that the amount of $218,400 is excessive to charge a parent, a private care facility is between $50,000 and $70,000 where I live. I do not take close to those salary's for providing live-in-care for my mum. I take enough of a salary to live on (I still have to pay my bills and property taxes at my condo even though I am not living there) and enough to put money away for retirement. My mum's life is not affected in any way by the money that I take for a salary and yet she is getting one on one top of the line care. Everyone in my family knows I need to make a living and I do not have a spouse who goes to work while I do the caregiving. I don't know why anyone would think that I would do the caregiving for free while my mum's money grows in the bank for all the other non caregiving children to benefit from when she dies. It just doesn't work that way.
Macada, and it shouldn't work that way. There is a way to bill the estate for the care we provide after death of our loved one. Then yes, it is going to become a court battle. I think there is something that whiteknight is not telling us. The attitude makes no sense.
He places mom in a facility to just sleep, has her at home through the day, why not sleep in the home where she has all of her waking hours and is most familiar. Something just does not add up, or whiteknight himself is a millionaire and the cost of caregiving is mere pennies to him. Or he is an only child and does not need to concern himself with greedy, selfish, self-centered siblings.
gladimhere.. yes, I feel fortunate that I am able to take a salary from my mum rather than billing her estate when she dies. I won't have to bill the estate because I am being paid for my services now. I certainly support any caregiver who does bill their parent's estate for caregiving services, I just wish they would have got a legal contract made up in advance to protect themselves, it would make it much easier for them. I get so worked up and passionate on this particular subject, I have read so many comments by people who are the non caregivers who are nowhere to be found when the parent needs care, but yet they certainly make an appearance when it's time to talk about dividing the estate, or.. they are angry because their caregiver/sibling expects compensation. As my grandmother use to say "it takes all kinds to make a world go around".
$200,000 per year to a family member? Call the AG's office. Lol. They'll send you the address for cellblock C.
"A seminal national study by the MetLife Mature Market Institute found that the cost of such abuses is at least $2.9 billion a year. Yet John Migliaccio, the institute’s director of research and gerontology, acknowledges that the study’s methodology—pulling from compiled news reports of abuse—underestimates the crime’s true price. “What we’re seeing is a tip of the iceberg,” he says.
Nevertheless, the study reports some startling facts: In 107 cases, seniors lost an average of more than $145,000 from fraud committed by family, friends, caregivers, and neighbors. In 159 cases involving fraud by strangers, the average loss was more than $95,000. ..."
I deserve it! I had a difficult childhood! I wasn't Mommy's favorite!
I'll gladly "spew" against the financial exploitation of elderly people.
If I may throw in my two cents worth- first, I think each situation is unique and should be handled that way. IMO.
But also, something to think about, my daughter turns 18 next year-she has special needs and we will be taking her to court to declare her incompetent -(hate that word but it is what "they" use). We have to---she has mental retardation - Anyway she will also start receiving social security for her disability. As her parents we are keeping that. So I guess you could say as a parent we are getting paid to raise our child. I don't feel bad about this. We will be using the money for her care and her needs. Things we are doing now but not getting paid for.
So, yeah.
Anyway, my sister is not working so that she can take care of my mom. Yes she sleeps there but my goodness that doesn't pay for what my sister does. Granted she could probably do more as in cleaning, but it is so hard to do things when you are constantly being yelled at and disrespected.
I have been giving my sister money when I can. I will go to the store for my mom and spend my own money. How can we get paid for taking care of her.
Does anything come out of her Social Security Checks for this.
My mother doesn't have any assets to speak of. So it isn't like we will be inheriting anything. We are not doing it for money. We are doing it because quite frankly, no one else will. As I write this, I also know that what little my mom has nik naks , her car , When something does happen to my mom, I can tell you right now, the other two will be there to get anything that is worth over a quarter, and my sister and I the ones who have suffered and did all the work will end up with nothing. How do we protect ourselves. How can we get paid for caring for her? She is not able to handle her finances either most of the time. She is paying $178.00 per month for a trainer in the gym. OMG the woman cant walk. They take her in a back room, rub her legs and charge her out the ear.
Where do we start with any of this? How do we get paid for taking care of her. What do you do when a elderly person abuses you.? Especially when you have two other siblings that want to threaten elder abuse because of her lies. She, our mother, has people we know believing such horrible things about us two, it is so crazy. Her next door neighbor by the Grace of God caught on to this, which I am happy for, God only knows when we may need the witness, or be hauled of to jail. I just don't understand and the other two whom have been loved, catered too, do absolutely nothing, us two that got the short end of the stick are the ones that stick by her.
Please help us to find the out how to get paid to do this, so we don't lose it all.
\
Hi gonenutz, my goodness!- you seem a dear! But remember to take care of yourself as well!- for you too are a child of God and should not be neglected or abused.
I am all for doing my Christian duty but I do think that most people who are worried about getting paid to take care of a loved one are doing it out of necessity. And for the loved ones needs. If one is going about trying to make a profit off their caregiving ( unless a professional) or see their caregivee as some sort of cash cow , well, that , IMO, is not right. But I feel like the posts on here are just from people who are desperately in need of financial help and the cost of their care giving is draining their resources. There is no shame, IMO, seeking financial assistance when needed.
And yes, I think most of these stories are out of need, not greed. I mean, yeah, we're care givers, but we have to keep living...we have to stay here after our charges are gone. And this is an expensive world.
And what if you're out of the work force for years due to care giving? It's not unheard of. Why shouldn't people expect their time to be worth something? Should we simply walk away totally broke instead when care giving is over, looking at a shaky future? Then what? Getting paid to do a hard job seems like plain common sense to me, all things considered... like future bills and rent when care taking is over...
We initially agreed on $100 per day (for an 8 to 10 hour shift), Mon-Fri. I take care of my dad in the evenings and on weekends at no charge. :)
About 6 months ago, as he has declined, the stress of staying with him has increased. The "going" rate is now $150. I still do evenings and weekends.
My husband left his job and spends 3 days a week with dad. My son cares for him the other two. I work full-time - well, mostly. I'm on an FMLA and take time as needed, whether it be to give the caregivers a day off or for drs. appts., etc.
Once we sold his home and he no longer had any expenses related to that, he also began contributing to our household by buying the groceries for the house. With someone here 24/7, our grocery bill increased dramatically and we felt this was a reasonable expense for him to cover. We still pay all of our other household bills.
2 of my three siblings have been extremely helpful and visit regularly to give us breaks. When they will accept, I reimburse them for their travel expenses but they feel that they would have visited their dad either way so they usually decline.
We have been very blessed so far in so that we all are in total agreement on these arrangements and on how we would handle things as they arise in the future. I know that I have been very lucky to have parents that planned and siblings that support. I hope that you can find a way to make things work.
And, yes, my employer has been wonderful. But having filed FMLA, they are required to work with me! His doctor was more than happy to complete the paperwork for me and that was helped put me at ease as far as job security. Even a good employer can grow weary of the intermittent, sometimes expected, sometimes not, need to take time off.
God bless everyone on this journey.
I have to say by the Grace of God my grandmother did raise me during my critical character building years,. it is for that I am a good person, and so is my sister. Understand that in my teen years I watched my mother hit and throw things at my grandmother on a regular basis, of course after gma left I was blamed for the argument, just imagine the guilt I grew up with starting at 5 years old..
In the later years after gma passed away mom had my grandfather until he got really bad with Alzehmers, and that is when he was dropped at my house for 3 years with not even a diagnosis from the Dr. I begged my mother to come get him for one night to eat at her house. just needed a little break. (I had my four children that were in their teens, and my nephew. Grandpa didn't have a bedroom, we only had 3 bedrooms, he slept on a cot. I worked 40 hours + a week) I came home after asking her for this break to see her yelling at him to behave himself. It wasn't a week later that she found a home for him. OMG, it was one of those places literally in the ghetto, I mean gun slinging ghetto. I told her over my dead body. The story she tells is she found a nice home for him and I told her I needed the money so I wouldn't put him in the home. Sad thing is their are people that believe her, as has happened most of my life. Because they look at their mom and the respect they have and give the same to my mom,. when she isn't the same. I don't know many mothers like her. Im sorry off track her,. My grandpa, He ended up choking to death at my house because I was unfamiliar with the disease or that they forget how to swallow.
When my grandfather was 80 years old, I guess my mother instructed him to clean our her stand alone freezer in the garage, he didn't do it, and she smacked him for not doing it. He would drive one hour a day to work with her so she didn't have to drive alone and sit in the car until she got off work, eight hours a day.
. So between the way she continues to talk to me and my sister, and the past treatment of my grandparents who I adored, in some ways it is so difficult to go through this everyday. I can only do the substitute caregiving because I am to emotional .
My sister had to leave to go make a couple of dollars this week, and I decided not to even go over there, she needs to see what she does need, or at least appreciate what we do for her. So I called her this morning thinking I would shock her by telling her my brother (her idol) wants to put a 24 hour camera in the house, that my sister stays at most of the time as well. Thinking I would shock her, Oh no, she said, yeah I know, I don't care what he does. So my 52 year old sister has to be watched as well. Is this how he thinks he will be caregiving. I spend so much of my time reading about Dementia, Narcissism, my brain is just so full of information, because I didn't know about this and gpa died and he didn't have to.
maybe we should go see a therapist, but again it is more time she is taking out of our life. I am not a spring chicken nor is my sister, something else her and I have been talking about. The woman is going to be the cause of our demise.
Sincerely, I think we were both looking for some healing. Before my sister left this week she told my mom that she needed to let her golden children no the truth, that we take good care of her, and that she loved us just as much. I just don't think we are going to get what we are looking for, which is acknowledgement and to feel truly loved by our own mother. From what I have read even with dementia they know what they have done and somewhere in their head they fear that we will get even in her vulnerable state. It couldn't be further from the truth.
She refuses to fill out the papers so we can be paid, she won't even buy food to eat. We have to actually sneak things in the other room to eat. All I can say is still trying to find a way to resolve this. I am not a nut I promise, ..... I am a Christian that truly believes I am building my road to heaven here on this earth. That we reap what we so, and that things come back to us ten fold, and with that I feel guilt ridden when I look at her toes, and say OH NO WAY in Gods Green Earth you better go pay someone. LOL There are just somethings I can't do.
If we could afford an attorney we would go. I know that if we can even get my sister a income things will not be so bad. She can feel better, I won't feel responsible for everyone. Because I am noticing as I write this, I am getting pretty bitter and that is not a good thing. Thank you again. I will try to stay on topic
Why not hire a home health aide at $25 an hour. After all, if it's okay for most of an elderly person's heirs to get nothing, it's okay for you to get nothing.
It sounds to me like everyone in the house has a good understanding of how the finances are going to be handled, and everyone is on board. That's a good thing, imo. At least you're working together and not fighting.. To me there's nothing to feel guilty about... It works for your family, and that's what matters. You're comfortable, your dad is safe... and you do what you gotta do to make it in this crazy expensive world...
Yeesh...1 a.m and I'm still up...
Imo, any child living in the parent's home and charging a parent, or parents, $218,000 per year should go to the slammer. Let's say the parent(s) dividend and interest income is 1,000,000 per year? Same thing: slammer. Ditto for $99,000: the slammer.
On the other hand, say an elderly parent has SS of $20,000 and no other income, and they own a house free and clear (and no other assets) worth $60,000, in which the caregiver is living. The government says that caregiver, if their care genuinely prevented the parent from being placed in a nursing home, has earned $30,000 per year for the house, and they easily earn the residual of the $20,000 not used to meet the needs of the elderly person. This could be a very low number, and even a negative number (caregiver pays own money in to pay for parent's needs, meaning value of the house as compensation goes down accordingly). This caregiver clearly has earned what they get, assuming excellent care, which would be far less than minimum wage.
So what a family member taking care of an elderly parent can earn ranges from criminal financial exploitation to peanuts.
If my mom could afford to pay someone a couple hundred thousand a year, well why not a relative? She'd be paying somebody. Some nursing homes are upward of $100,000 a year around here, for the really good ones. I consider my time, what I do, worth double that. See, at the facility, they work in shifts. In my world, 24/7 is MY shift. I don't get time off, or nice vacations. In fact, I don't get to do jack, because I'm HERE taking care of mother....24/7 because SHE didn't PLAN for anything. She didn't consider long term anything, and left me with a hell of a mess to deal with around here...24 hours a day.
My mom's properties, when combined, could very well bring a half mil or more. I'm not going to feel guilty taking any of it.
If I put an ad in the paper, it would read like this:
Full time 24/7 care giver looking for work. Alzheimers/dementia patients welcome. Salary desired: $250-500 thousand per year to start. Salary based on changing circumstances. Will bathe, fix and make means, do all household chores, and some outdoor work as well. I will live in the house with the patient, and will be on call for you and the patient 24/7, all holidays, all weekends, all birthdays. I will give a life of dignity and respect to your elder, and I guarantee my work 100%. Satisfaction is guaranteed. I prefer my days to be audio and video taped for all concerned, so that my work, and what you're paying for, is well documented.
So...yeah. If I knew beyond all doubt that my mom had the means, and could easily pay me a couple hundred thou a year, would I turn that down? No. In fact, I would have demanded it from the get go, before I ever set foot in here... Unfortunately, some of us don't get the warm, fluffy ones... Yeah, we get the ones you really wouldn't want to deal with yourself, but can't possibly understand what being in the 'dregs' means..
To me, it's all a matter of prospective. How much do YOU think your time is worth? $10,000 a year? $200, 000? Well, then that's what it's worth. As most of us know though, we don't get paid near what we're worth, or we don't get paid at all, but we still try and do the right thing when we have to... I know what I do day in and day out, I know what I personally deal with. Do I personally think I'm worth a couple hundred g's a year? Yeah. Just about everybody here is. But alas, we don't make that money knight, not unless our parents are millionaires. Then, who cares anyway? They can afford to pay well, and should. If I had a parent with a million dollar a year income, I wouldn't be here. At all. Somebody else would be dealing. A mere mil for year on end of what I do personally in the care of my mother? Forget it. That wouldn't be nearly enough. I think care takers highly, very highly undervalue themselves. Just read...you'll see. I think, imo, that's a huge mistake.
I think personally, that there should be a law somewhere that makes sure that care givers are paid some FAT money when a person is required by necessity to care for a highly disabled patient around the clock, 24/7. I think parents should be required by law to pay their adult children restitution for services, time and effort rendered....and lets not forget all those lost hours at work the care giver is forced to give up eventually, and then possibly total job loss due to care giving that can come from having to take care of a person that can't be left alone anymore.
And if my parents made a mil a year, and paid me $200, 000 a year of it, and they had to survive on a 'measly' $800 thou a year... boo freaking hoo... Cry me a river. Would I deserve JAIL for taking that money? Hell no, as far as I'm concerned, I'm underpaid if they want me around the clock, thanks.
Like I said, it's all about perspective. I personally am a huge advocate for care givers getting PAID. In the UK, if you have to quit your job to take care of someone who needs around the clock care, their government pays those people. And why shouldn't they? And here in the good ol' US of A, we have laws that could, if enforced, FORCE you to take care of an elderly parent, provide them with food, shelter, clothes, whatever they need, at your own expense. The law can also possibly obligate you to pay your elders debts.. Really now. It's that just lovely? I wish I lived in the UK.
Million dollar a year parents... I freaking wish...
He places mom in a facility to just sleep, has her at home through the day, why not sleep in the home where she has all of her waking hours and is most familiar. Something just does not add up, or whiteknight himself is a millionaire and the cost of caregiving is mere pennies to him. Or he is an only child and does not need to concern himself with greedy, selfish, self-centered siblings.
"A seminal national study by the MetLife Mature Market Institute found that the cost of such abuses is at least $2.9 billion a year. Yet John Migliaccio, the institute’s director of research and gerontology, acknowledges that the study’s methodology—pulling from compiled news reports of abuse—underestimates the crime’s true price. “What we’re seeing is a tip of the iceberg,” he says.
Nevertheless, the study reports some startling facts: In 107 cases, seniors lost an average of more than $145,000 from fraud committed by family, friends, caregivers, and neighbors. In 159 cases involving fraud by strangers, the average loss was more than $95,000. ..."
I deserve it! I had a difficult childhood! I wasn't Mommy's favorite!
I'll gladly "spew" against the financial exploitation of elderly people.