I think we lost debbydeal. It was one of those one-time posts apparently. Sorry that it caused an argument that comes up on the group so often. This argument always leads to people getting angry.
The way I see it is this way, we all have and are entitled to our opinions, if we can just remain open and teachable maybe we can see something of value in what others say without getting mad because it is not the way we see it. If anything it can reinforce your point of view or maybe change it. We have enough garbage to put up with without nasty self-righteous comments from anyone, especially those "experts" out there.
I agree with josiep. This is a family situation. Families are the same flesh and blood. If parents would give their lives for their children then I don't think those same parents would want to see those same (adult) children lose their lives, health, sanity, or future caring for the same parent. In a family home all members of the family share all the benefits and responsibility for each other and the home. Our parents want us to grow up to be able to parent our own children, and they their own children, and so forth. Hopefully each generation will be a little stronger, smarter, and more secure. In a family home everyone can have their own, but would one person made out of the same flesh and blood as each other family member want to see any harm come to the other members? What good does material wealth do for a person with dementia? None that I can think of, except allowing for the best caregiving. Caregivers need SO MANY THINGS to allow them to provide excellent care. If an elder is lucky enough to have some wealth isn't this the sort of situation that requires using the wealth? Everyone in this type of situation is giving everything that they have to survive it, whether it is physical, emotional, mental, or financial.
Tough question. There's a select few who actually enjoy caregiving; others don't mind it as much because of financial security. Most of us have/had to scrounge, beg, take all kinds of abuse from parents, siblings, busybody neighbors, and agencies. As sole caregivers, we become bitter, and resentful because life passes while stuck in a timewarp. We become desensitized, even during 5-10 minutes of intimacy with that special other whose love is strong enough to make them stick around. S/he has also had to make sacrifices.
Anyway, enough drama. If your parent has some sort of income coming in, and you don't because you're taking care of them; the price tag attached to that "forced" labor depends on the revenues from the other party. When the heart is involved, is difficult to make business transactions. A way to measure is to find out what nursing homes and assisted living facilities charge for the services you provide and use a sliding scale. In a nutshell, it depends on what the caregivee can afford.
It might feel unethical, it might feel unholy, it might feel immoral. But everything costs money. ... And to those who tell you that money isn't everything, ask them what their life would be like without it.
I moved in one year ago to help my mom care for my bedridden dad and must admit that I care for both of them. I tried to work but found that I was leaving a very fragile, forgetful women to take care of my dad. I believe the Lord lead me to not work in my current situation and believe that He will provide for me. I am using up the money I gained in equity from selling my home as I still have some bills to pay for though I have free room and board. Bottom line, I am at peace with what I am doing even though my mom can be negative and controlling. I thank God for teaching me boundaries and a deeper love I did not understand. I also know that God will provide for me abundantly and in the end I will receive a great reward - His fullness of joy!
Redmaan, I agree with you to an extent...the higher power will indeed reward those that are worthy in the end...but I want to get paid NOW, while I'm on this earth, and still have bills to pay and a life to live.
I've discussed it with my older brother who lives across the street from my dad in another state. As far as I'm concerned, if he's willing, I'm all for his quitting his job and caring for dad when the time comes that dad should need more care. He now has an hourly wage job making 12.50 an hour. I see that as a fair amount for dad to pay him. Fortunately dad's in position to pay that amount, and my brother's willing to do it when the time comes so I say hurray! I'd never expect my brother to care for dad beyond what he's doing now (taking him to the store and Doctor appts and checking in on him daily) for free. When the time comes that dad needs enough care that my brother would need to quit his job to help, I'm all for his getting paid.
Maybe this will help out if you look at it this way, the way a lawyer finally talked me into a contract, and it was the best thing I ever did. Suppose your parent with dementia/alz has been the best parent ever and out of 2 or more siblings only one did all the work. What if that one child moved the parent into their home, she struggled with putting her life on hold but wouldnt ever place her parent in a nursing home, she gave up years of their life making sure their parent had a wonderful life with someone with them taking the best care of them ever, and then the other sibling/s did nothing. Then...the parent dies. That parent owned a $300,000 home. So, should each child get their equal share of the estate when one did all the work? Its not your parents money you're actually earning/taking when you get paid for caregiving, its your siblings inheritence and if they wont help, they dont deserve their share. Do you people who think we should do it free know what 24/7 is, what agressive behavior is, what peeing on the floor is, what consoling a crying parent is, changing diapers, feeding and not being able to ever go out is like? Do you know what diapers, food, bed pads, medical supplies, clothing, shoes, wheelchairs and mattresses all cost? (just to name a few) How about hiring someone just so you can get groceries? What about the oil for heat which was usually on 62, now has to be on 72 degrees? What about the mounds of laundry we do and all the bleach and detergent over the years? I had a caregivers contract and I did get paid and my parent's money ran out almost 3 years ago. Here I am still taking great care of my Mom, yes for free, and thats ok, but at least I know that everything I earned from her estate is now going right back to her for what she needs that I buy, but the sibling/s that did jack crap wont reep any benefits. If my parent lives to 100 I will continue to care for her, and yes for free, but as long as the lazy siblings dont get anything for doing nothing, I am okay with that. If after all of this my parent did have a home, I would be so upset that they got an equal share. I am glad the money is gone, to me, and right back to her. Hope this helps put it into perspective just a little. I think if we were rich we would hire fulltime help, but most of us arent, we just do it so our parent gets 100% one on one loving care. Cheers to all at home caretakers, I completely understand you all.
And I almost forgot, due to the money running out, I had to quit my job that I was at for almost 20 years, giving up a much higher pension I could have had. Not complaining, just stating the facts of where a paid caregivers rights come into play here.
roseinwinter.. First of all, parents CHOSE to have children, not the other way around. Secondly, I was a self-employed single woman for 26 years, I bought my own condo and worked hard and paid the mortgage off in 10 years. I have 2 older sisters who live in different provinces. As of a year ago my mother was assessed and was told she needed live-in care. I am her POA and when she was told that she needed live in care, my sisters weren't jumping up and down offering to do the job. So, I gave up my clients, packed up clothes and important belongings, locked up my home, gave up my social life and have been caring for my mother every single day for the past year ..and .. there is no end in sight. Because I am her POA I know her financial situation and she is financially comfortable and can well afford to pay me a salary which I have NO PROBLEM taking GUILT FREE !! Why? .. Because why should I work for my mother for free and have her money pile up in the bank so all the other family members who are doing NOTHING for her reap the benefits of her bank account when she dies. No way.. not this daughter/caregiver, I may be dumb but I'm not stupid. For all you caregivers who have given up your job and your life to care for your parents, if they have the money to pay you a salary .. TAKE IT.. you deserve every penny!
If I can be a peacemaker here... I really think that everyone is right. It just all depends on circumstance. Say a parent is a millionaire living in Beverly Hills and the child of modest means gives up a job to help, I don't think anyone would object to the parent paying for the care that allowed them to have some independence. But if the parent lives on $500 SS a month and the child has resources, it is a totally different story. God bless the caregivers who care for their parent when this is the case. You're real heroes.
I love the way Reverseroles worked things. I tried to get my mother to do this to help protect the money from Medicaid spend-down if she ever needs to. My mother wouldn't go for it, but it would have been the best way to go IMO. Taking payment and putting it in a special account that can be drawn on if needed is taking care both of the caregiver and receiver. If the money is never needed, it can go to the caregiver after the death of the elder.
My parents' estate is divided out among the four children. Only I am involved in the caregiving. It doesn't bother me, to tell you the truth, but I do understand where others are coming from when they talk fairness. Personally I plan to settle the estate when it is all over, dust off my shoes of my siblings, then head out to TX to live Golden Girls style on whatever retirement savings I have left.
This is a good but difficult question with emotions that run high on both sides of the subject. When I took on this responsibility I did it out of love and respect for my parents and relatives. I was proud of the fact that I was doing it out of love and there was no financial compensation. I was living off of my child's child support for all those years and now that has ceased.....let me tell you this is more than a challenge.
I have two siblings and one lives in the same house as my mother and I and I get no help. I am caregiver 24/7, housekeeper, laundress, cook, cleaning lady, gardener, dog walker, chauffeur, banker, legal aid.....in other words I do EVERY THING THAT HAS TO BE DONE TO KEEP THIS HOUSE GOING! AND KEEP OUR LIVES GOING.
I make sure Mom goes to the doctor for her check ups but I haven't seen my gynecologist in 10 years, my dentist in over a year and only see my primary care doctor when I feel like I am dying, I didn't even know my respiratory doctor retired 3 years ago....no wonder I can't get an appointment!
I began caring for them out of love and hoped that I could save the money they had worked so hard to save themselves and perhaps when they passed there would be at least a small inheritance for my sisters and I.
But I am not working and making a salary, I have no 401K, no retirement, no longer paying into social security, so honestly I look at this and wonder what the heck did I ever think when I did this. I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot financially and why was I so worried about making sure my siblings and I had an inheritance when she passes......THEY ARE NOT HELPING ME CARE FOR MOM!
I am treated like the maid around here by the live in sister. She takes care of her room and bathroom but the rest of the house/property and all is left up to me. She has begun to purposely leave dirty dishes in the sink and recycling sitting on the counter, when I am washing clothes, all the sudden she needs the washer and uses it all day long.....how much washing can one person have????
I have honestly really been thinking about this lately and I am now ticked a bit at the way I am treated and the lack of help from anyone.....EVER! This has been happening this time for 7 years and I am tired of it. I too now think I should be paid a salary even if it's minimum wage!!!!
I do not think I would feel this way if I was getting help from the siblings but doing this alone makes me feel frustrated and angry with the situation. I too have decided to pay my 21 year old daughter to help me when I need it. She has done it for free but uses her car and gas and she is unemployed so I am not going to let her be taken advantage of any longer....it is bad enough that I am.
You may not agree with me and that is okay...this is MY opinion and my situation.
This all does not answer what I thought was the original question, A CHILD, minor not an adult taking care of parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. INMO, every person who cares for anyone should be compensated, I just don't think kids should be burdened with this and allowed to be children.
I'm sure Debbydeal must be an Adult child. To paraphrase her very brief profile. she says, I am caring for MY mother, living in MY home, with Alz/Dementia. No minor child would fit that description.
I don't think so, Madeaa. Did you also read her profile? - very short. I get the impression that she is the child she is referring to in her profile as well as in her question. She referred in the question to her elderly parent, not grandparent. lt would really help if Debbydeal would respond with some feedback to us. Debbydeal, Where are you??
I read her profile, my take was different, it is great that we all see things differently, my take was this, perhaps she has a young child, or a niece or whatever and she is wondering if it is okay to have the kid watch her mother, or whomever and if so how should she if she does compensate. I don't refer back to myself as a "child", I would refer myself if anything as an adult child of ....
You may be right, I may be crazy, (who sang that song?) I guess we won't have the real answer until Debbydeal speaks up! In the meantime, there were some very good posts in response to the question from the adult point of view. I personally think compensation is a fair expectation, and we've seen many different arrangements presented by many people.
Macada, Underage children have parents that may have elderly parents, underage children can have grandparents, great grandparents, etal. I heard it is better not to assume anything cause it can cause an ass out of you and me. LOL
Madeaa.. there was nothing said about it being her grandparent..it said parent. I will "assume" if I choose to and as for the last part of your statement .. speak for yourself!
Sometimes people join a group, post something, but leave without bookmarking the site. They never return. I have a feeling this is what happened with debbydeal, either that or we scared her away. Whatever happened, I think we can say that debby left the building.
Wow, there's some real anger and angst about this topic here. And there's really no need for it. When Mom came here to live with us, we (me and she) hired an elder care attorney, just put him on a retainer. I wanted it as insurance for my Mom that I wouldn't do anything stupid as well as someone I could go to when issues rose about Mom's estate or care. He told me to have Mom pay us. And Mom wanted to chip in and not become a burden. So, is a win win for all of us. I merely added up the household bills for a year and divided by 3 adults and there was the sum of things. No guilt, no angst, only love.
More of you need to look at it as the gift you are providing other beneficiaries for your sacrifices. If the funds or property are there to pay for 24/7 care why not? Of course maybe some of you can afford to gift siblings the cost of care each month, in my area somewhere in the area of $8,000.00. If everyone is assisting equally, then that is a different story. But if all of the care falls on one person then compensation is necessary. Most parents would not want us doing this for nothing either, if they would want or are able to pay, why not?!
Anyway, enough drama. If your parent has some sort of income coming in, and you don't because you're taking care of them; the price tag attached to that "forced" labor depends on the revenues from the other party. When the heart is involved, is difficult to make business transactions. A way to measure is to find out what nursing homes and assisted living facilities charge for the services you provide and use a sliding scale. In a nutshell, it depends on what the caregivee can afford.
It might feel unethical, it might feel unholy, it might feel immoral. But everything costs money. ... And to those who tell you that money isn't everything, ask them what their life would be like without it.
Then that's all the payment you'll ever need.
I had a caregivers contract and I did get paid and my parent's money ran out almost 3 years ago. Here I am still taking great care of my Mom, yes for free, and thats ok, but at least I know that everything I earned from her estate is now going right back to her for what she needs that I buy, but the sibling/s that did jack crap wont reep any benefits. If my parent lives to 100 I will continue to care for her, and yes for free, but as long as the lazy siblings dont get anything for doing nothing, I am okay with that. If after all of this my parent did have a home, I would be so upset that they got an equal share. I am glad the money is gone, to me, and right back to her. Hope this helps put it into perspective just a little. I think if we were rich we would hire fulltime help, but most of us arent, we just do it so our parent gets 100% one on one loving care. Cheers to all at home caretakers, I completely understand you all.
I love the way Reverseroles worked things. I tried to get my mother to do this to help protect the money from Medicaid spend-down if she ever needs to. My mother wouldn't go for it, but it would have been the best way to go IMO. Taking payment and putting it in a special account that can be drawn on if needed is taking care both of the caregiver and receiver. If the money is never needed, it can go to the caregiver after the death of the elder.
My parents' estate is divided out among the four children. Only I am involved in the caregiving. It doesn't bother me, to tell you the truth, but I do understand where others are coming from when they talk fairness. Personally I plan to settle the estate when it is all over, dust off my shoes of my siblings, then head out to TX to live Golden Girls style on whatever retirement savings I have left.
I have two siblings and one lives in the same house as my mother and I and I get no help. I am caregiver 24/7, housekeeper, laundress, cook, cleaning lady, gardener, dog walker, chauffeur, banker, legal aid.....in other words I do EVERY THING THAT HAS TO BE DONE TO KEEP THIS HOUSE GOING! AND KEEP OUR LIVES GOING.
I make sure Mom goes to the doctor for her check ups but I haven't seen my gynecologist in 10 years, my dentist in over a year and only see my primary care doctor when I feel like I am dying, I didn't even know my respiratory doctor retired 3 years ago....no wonder I can't get an appointment!
I began caring for them out of love and hoped that I could save the money they had worked so hard to save themselves and perhaps when they passed there would be at least a small inheritance for my sisters and I.
But I am not working and making a salary, I have no 401K, no retirement, no longer paying into social security, so honestly I look at this and wonder what the heck did I ever think when I did this. I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot financially and why was I so worried about making sure my siblings and I had an inheritance when she passes......THEY ARE NOT HELPING ME CARE FOR MOM!
I am treated like the maid around here by the live in sister. She takes care of her room and bathroom but the rest of the house/property and all is left up to me. She has begun to purposely leave dirty dishes in the sink and recycling sitting on the counter, when I am washing clothes, all the sudden she needs the washer and uses it all day long.....how much washing can one person have????
I have honestly really been thinking about this lately and I am now ticked a bit at the way I am treated and the lack of help from anyone.....EVER! This has been happening this time for 7 years and I am tired of it. I too now think I should be paid a salary even if it's minimum wage!!!!
I do not think I would feel this way if I was getting help from the siblings but doing this alone makes me feel frustrated and angry with the situation. I too have decided to pay my 21 year old daughter to help me when I need it. She has done it for free but uses her car and gas and she is unemployed so I am not going to let her be taken advantage of any longer....it is bad enough that I am.
You may not agree with me and that is okay...this is MY opinion and my situation.