I've been with my fiancé for 16 years. His parents were older when they had him. He is the youngest of four siblings. They are older, have grown children of their own and live out of state. My fiancé and I have 3 children (from my previous marriage). He has supported them & helped to raise tbem the past ten years. He has been the main caregiver for both of his parents his entire life. His father passed several years ago and now he is the main caretaker for his mother, who is in her 90's. I have always felt that his mother comes first, and my children & I come last. He spends a good deal of time taking care of her needs on the weekends, does all of her house repairs, gets calls in the middle of the night when she hears mice in the walls of her older home. He has no time to do anything in our house, things go for years, not repaired or basic things that need to be done, because he has to take care of his mothers house. His siblings do nothing to help, nor do her grandchildren. They take care of their own families. What is a reasonable amount of time he should be spending on her care and her upkeeping of her home? She refuses to go into a nursing home or assisted living. The siblings refuse to sell the house. It is their expectation that my fiancé will eventually move into the family home when she passes or things become too difficult for her to live alone. I've told my fiancé I will never live in that house. I have my own home that I love and have raised my children in. The house would be a mousaleum to his parents- it would never be mine. There is so much resentment built up- I feel like we have not been able to live our life or truly be a family. We are not the priority at all- he won't leave her alone on holidays, won't go on vacations because she's be alone, won't consider moving, because there is no one to care for her. Calls her every night before bedtime, gets calls all the time at work because she needs something done, she gets her Christmas tree up first, gets her spring lawn care done first, gets her house repairs & renovations done first, while our house sits & falls apart. I'm so tired of it, yet I know she has no one else and he is a good son and good to his mother, but I know that I have always come 2nd in his life. He has never cut the apron strings. Is it selfish of me to expect this from him? When I talk with him about this he tells me I am selfish and that it is horrible of me to expect him to "abandon" his mother. He doesn't understand that we are a couple & a family, and should come first. His other siblings need to step up, and help
out more. They never visit and contribute nothing to help her. My fiancé feels like he is the only one who can meet her needs and do it right. He also has all tbe responsibilities to take care of her summer camp as well. When she passes all the financial responsibilities for the two properties will be split between the two properties, but he will still be expected to do all the maintenance and upkeep for two properties that no one will be living in! None of them will agree to sell the "family" home either. It will fit into the ground before anyone will sell it. Am I being selfish? Is it reasonable for me to want our family to be his first priority? Does he have mommy issues? She was a controlling, domineering, emotionally cold mother to him as he grew up.