Hi, I'm new here. Im in the UK. Im 40, my parents moved to Spain when I was 18 and returned in 2022 as my dad was in ill health, he subsequently died due to dementia in December 2022. My mum has been living alone in a rented apartment on the 3rd floor since then despite our warnings to her that she must register for social housing / try and find a bungalow of some kind. She refused point blank to move and said she will cope fine. The inevitable has happened now as she is 80 yrs old and has pain in her leg, been back and forth for tests at hospital and still point blank refusing to move to help herself. She wont accept any carers either. I have 3 siblings, 1 of which lives 4hours north and so he doesnt get involved other than to tex me to say what he thinks I should be doing. My other brother and sister are in the same town as me and our mum and are aged 58 and 59. Their families are now grown and in their late 20s early 30s. I have 3 kids aged 18, 16 and 12, a job and as we know all the responsibilities and commitments that go alongside having a young family.Now the issue is my siblings all decide they are far too busy to help and it always falls onto me as I feel so guilty. My mum is very difficult and at times just down right nasty stating I will help her with everything just like she had to help her mum.This is causing me so much stress I am so overwhelmed. My partner says I must make a stand and refuse to be called out of work to hospital again and I just feel caught in the middle of everyone and everything. I cant relax, I am constantly anxious.
The only thing I can think of doing is telling the doctors I cant cope with looking after her and my siblings arent helping so can they recommend in home care or something? My mum will go crazy but I cant do this myself ... my brother has been "helping" in terms of going to see mum twice a week for tea and cake then sends me videos of how immobile she is saying " look at your mother thought u would want to see" when i literally spent all day sunday in hospital helping her while he was too busy with his 27yr old daughter. This situation is getting so toxic I need some help and advice please, anything?
Stop letting your mother and siblings play you which is exactly what they are doing. If you allow yourself to be an easy target, your mother and siblings will always take advantage of you. Trust me, they don't want the responsibility of your mother and she knows they will not take her crap, but you will. Unless you decide not to.
The next time your brother sends you a text telling what you need to be doing for your mother, reply with the following:
'Why are you telling me? Clearly you know best, so I'll leave you to it'.
Then you don't respond anymore. Tell your mother's doctors they are not to contact you and give them the contact information of your siblings. When your mother calls, let it go to voicemail. If she's just trying to cause trouble and complain, delete the message and don't call her back.
If she wants to visit with you, go on the same days as your brother for tea and cakes. Then you tell the both of them exactly what you are willing to do and what you are not. If either of them gets verbally abusive, get up and leave.
I know your situation because I lived it. Once I stopped playing along with my mother's manipulative, gaslighting games my life improved dramatically. Yours will to.
Your life and family has to come before your mother's neediness and stubbornness and your siblings and their opinions.
So the next time one of them sends you an instructional or nasty text, I believe 'Bugger off!' is term you Brits use. Us Americans are a little more vulgar.
Good luck to you and please stop letting your mother and siblings decide your life.
You are attempting to care for someone uncooperative, and who will not accept the care of anyone.
Your siblings have made the correct choice. That choice is to remove themselves from a situation in which there will be no solutions as long as they (and you) are all the solutions.
You will have now to learn that your attempts are to no avail and that they are self-harming. I would suggest psychological counseling with a good cognitive therapist. You need personal help now; this is more about you than about your mother, who should be supplied with the phone numbers of her medical team, of social services and of emergency.
You can relieve yourself of guilt by looking up the definitions of the word. Guilt requires causation. You didn't cause this, and you can't fix this, and you are not responsible for your uncooperative mother's happiness of well-being.
You need to set boundaries.
You need to tell mom that you can not do everything for her that she wants you to do. (get that WANTS...not needs)
Your health, your family should take priority just as your siblings have placed themselves and their families before your mom.
You could tell mom that you are available to help her on the Third Saturday of the month. (or whenever is good for you) You can take her shopping, get her hair done, lunch... But the rest of the time you need to take care of your work and family.
If your near by siblings could take another weekend they may be good with that knowing that it is 1 day a month.
The rest of the time if mom needs anything she can hire ...lets call it "help" not "caregivers".
You should also take your mom to a few places that would be better suited for her due to her medical limitations.
The more problems she has physically the more help she will need. I think she needs to realize that and the less you "help" them ore that will become clear to her.
I get not wanting to move. It is the last thing I would want to do as well. (even the though of packing everything is frightening)
I so know what its like to be the only one who can make themselves feel guilt. But think about it, why you. She has 4 kids. You with children still at home. I set boundaries without knowing it. I worked part-time. Mom was easy. We picked a day to go run errands and grocery shop. She went out to dinner every Friday with us. Appts were made for my convenience. My Mom had her friends and Church that kept her busy. Even when she was in Assisted Living and later Longterm care, things were based on when I was available and had the time.
Stand up to Mom, what is she going to do to you. She gets started, you walk out. You teach people how to treat you.
She chose me to be the caregiver . I have 4 siblings who did nothing .
After Mom died , My older sister told me that “ Mom chose you because she knew you were the soft one “.
Sounds like you are the soft one . Don’t be me , I spent over a decade as her servant before I finally set better boundaries . By then my teens were grown .
I also learned the word “ No “ effectively too late .
Just because it’s a parent does not mean you can’t say no without feeling guilty .
There will be no other solution if you have made yourself the solution.
I know exactly how you are feeling. As the youngest of three, I am the only one who helps my 96yr old mother. One sibling lives with her. The other lives next door, roughly 75 feet away. I live 750 miles away from her. I retired 10 years ago. I give what I can as often as I can. I started caring for her in 2017. Somewhere around the 4th year of assisting, I was literally crying 3-4 times a week. I reminded myself that I can't be everything to everybody. You have asked for support from your siblings and they refuse to share in the responsibility. Don't waste time trying to get others to help you when they have shown you they won't. It sounds like there are other relatives, i.e. grandchildren who could help lighten the load.
My mum refused to let me move in or buy her house from her. Now my sibling has Alzheimers and my mum expected me to care for as well. My mum refused to have caregivers. I hired them anyway. Don't become hostage to your mum's poor decision making. YOU are the most important part of this equation. If you are not well, you can't take care of anyone else. Don't let any form of guilt take over. You are doing a great job just by being there, by caring enough. Stop answering every call for help. Provide the doctors with your siblings information as another means of contact.
I am sick to death of selfish siblings, full of words but no actions. I am in a similar position, albeit my mother is still fairly active at 89. It all falls to me whilst they snipe from the bushes.
When you say something like “I don’t have time” people will hear “I want to do it but I don’t have time” and then they can start promising support that will never come. Say no without giving a line of points your siblings, mother, and healthcare staff can use to back you into a corner. Keep it simple, say I’m not available. Easier said than done but you owe your children the mom they deserve.
Be firm in your stance. "I cannot provide the care my mom needs." Or as suggested above, "I'm not available." I like that even better.
Something similar that you feel comfortable saying. But avoid open ended sentences.
You can do this! We are cheering you on from the US.